3:24 a.m, a chilly night of the last month of spring.

I was having fourth round of work dinner with my colleagues. My head was light, the world was spinning and my worries were fading. Suddenly, a familiar ring tone echoed. I glanced down at my pocket, something was vibrating.

Ah, it’s just my phone. So I thought.

I picked it up without looking at the caller ID. On the other line, the voice seemed shaky and out of breath.

“Da..d... Hye...Hyesung-appa....passed away....”

The shock struck me, hard enough to bring me back to sense, even the alcohol was vaporized immediately from my body.

“How?” I questioned, in disbelief but somewhere deep within, there was a tiny sense of relieve.

“He... jumped... from the bridge... near our house... You better come now...” The voice stuttered. It must have been frightening yet why did I just feel so empty.

“I’ll be there as soon as possible.” I hung up, took my coat from the chair and excused myself hurriedly without telling the reason.

Police was already at the scene, and the covered body that was lying on the riverside must have been Hyesung’s. My daughter was sobbing while kneeling next to the body.

“Excuse me, are you Eric Mun?” A police officer approached me upon my arrival at the scene.

“Yes, I am.” I replied with a calm tone.

“Can you please confirm if this is your husband? I know it can be shocking but we have to follow the regulations.” The officer said as he directed me to the covered body. He lifted the cover of the face and there it was, Hyesung’s face. The beautiful messy light brown hair that was once tied in a pony tail was drenched in water. The sparkling eyes were no longer being able to open. I stared at that seem like a sleeping face for few seconds before letting out a sigh, not a depressed one but rather, it seemed like a burden was lifted off my chest.

“He is my husband, Shin Hyesung. How did this happen?” I asked. I thought my daughter was looking after Hyesung all the time, ever since we had gotten to know about his condition.

“I’m.. sorry dad... I was just out for a moment... I thought... I thought... he was already sleeping... It was all my fault...” My daughter bursted out in loud cries.

“It was not your fault, Jinnie. Maybe... it’s time to let him go...” I comforted her by gently patting the shoulder.

“We are sorry for the loss. We couldn’t find him earlier.” The police officers bowed to us, showing how regretful they were for being unable to rescue Hyesung. I didn’t blame them, it was nobody fault, if there were someone to blame, it would be heaven itself.

The funeral ceremony was few days later, people came and went, acquaintances, neighbours, relatives and friends. Many paid their respect and cried, my daughter’s eyes were blood red from too much crying but I didn’t shed a single tear.

Why can’t I cry?  I pondered as I greeted the visitors. Maybe it’s because I had already left him four years ago, in my mind.

I wasn’t a bad husband, but neither was I a good one. I was a busy leader, an otaku that lived for the existence of Shinhwa. It was not easy to become a family man when I was so used to be a busy working person.

Now that I think about it, I cannot recall any memories after our marriage. All I could remember was work. Ah... I didn’t even give Hyesung’s any memory to forget...

Ring! The alarm clock woke me up. It had been a week since the funeral. I walked to the kitchen as my daughter was preparing breakfast.

“How’d you sleep, dad? Come and have some breakfast.” My daughter greeted me but my jaw dropped at the figure behind her. It was Hyesung. He was by the sink, probably washing dishes.

“There...” I pointed at Hyesung. “A ghost... Hyesung is over there.”

“Dad, just calm down. You poor thing, losing him must have taken a toll on you.” Jinnie comforted. She thought I was suffering from the trauma of losing Hyesung and so did the hospital. They had told me it was just a delusion, that I was suffering from schizophrenia. I quitted my job and stayed at home, perhaps, it was time for me to retire.

I had been taking medications for a month yet nothing had changed. I was still seeing Hyesung.

Am I going insane? I wondered. But why? I didn’t even grief over his death. Perhaps it’s really his ghost.

I had invited a well known monk over to our house to check it out.

“I can’t see him with my spiritual self but I can sense there’s something over there.” He pointed at the sofa, where Hyesung was sitting and staring blankly at the TV. “Judging from the energy, it’s not a ghost.”

“He just went outside, it looks like he is hanging the laundry. Sometimes, it looked like he was doing other housework too.” I said as I saw Hyesung left the sofa and headed out to the balcony.

“It looks like he’s doing housework?” The monk gasped in surprise. “Did he suffer from dementia by any chance?”

“Yeah... But how did you know?” I replied.

“Similar occurrences had happened before with families with dementia people. When a person knows that he or she has dementia, they try everything to prevent losing themselves. If their mind and will are strong, their memories can be recorded and engraved in the fabric of space-time. Once the person dies, the memories can take physical form and reflect the past, like a playback of life. Of course, the physical form cannot do any harm, but it’s quite upsetting to watch the past so I suggest you to move house. Since only you can see the spirit.”

“Thank you for your visit. I will think about it.” I walked the monk out. I was thankful that I was not going insane.

As I entered the house again, I stared at Hyesung’s spirit, judging from his posture, he was reading. I reached out my hand, trying to touch his shoulder but my hand went through.

Indeed, it’s just his memories that had taken physical form. I can only see but not touch nor hear. Indeed it is purposeless but at least, I know his memories are here. The memories he had engraved on the world is now playing.

At first, it was surprising but I gradually gotten use to see his spirit wondering around, doing the chores. I realised it must have been his way of keeping himself away from being lonely, since I was hardly home and my daughter also had work during the day.

One day, I was watching over him, suddenly, he seemed to be heading out so I followed. It turned out that he was visiting the hospital. His expression after leaving the hospital was that of a lost person.

Is it the day....  I thought as I followed him home. As soon as Hyesung entered the house, he collapsed to his knees. His whole body was trembling. He was crying. I tried to reach out my hand but it was shaking. I just couldn’t do it.

I don’t have the nerve to see his face right now. He must have come home after being diagnosed with dementia. It must be devastating to sit in our empty house and cry alone. I didn’t even know about it, until months later. How scary it has been for him, to live in fear alone.

I lived my days watching his memories. I began to do the things he once did. While putting the clothes into the washing machine, I unconsciously asked him who was standing next to me:

“How much detergent should I put in?”

Of course, there was no answer.

I even followed him when he went to the mart.

“The fruits look so fresh here. You came all the way here instead of the mart near our house to buy fruits for us? That’s must be why they always tasted so good.” I mumbled to him while picking out some oranges.

On the way back, I was out of breath after about half-way. I looked at Hyesung’s figure and asked with my puffed breath:

“Honey... Can we rest for a bit?” I knew that he couldn’t answer, since he was just memories but surprisingly, he stopped and sat on a side bench.

“Did you hear what I said?” I asked but there was no answer. He was just staring blankly at the orange sunset that was falling upon the town. I wondered what he was thinking as he watched the sunset that day, four years ago but never know as he is already dead.

When I first found out about his dementia, I felt terrible and confused. I cried but eventually, I started to resent him for losing his mind. I blamed him for being useless, for being a burden and drowned myself in work. But now, even though it’s late, I’m grateful that I can watch his daily life.

A few months later, my daughter had brought her boyfriend home. They were dating for a long time, but I had never seen him.

“I would like to marry your daughter. She will be in good care, I promised.” The guy seemed like a kind, trustworthy young man. It was about time to let my daughter go and build her own family.

“Jinnie, I’m really proud of you for all the sacrifices you had done. You had quitted your job to stay at home and look after Hyesung. I’m sure there were many things you wanted to do but couldn’t. I’m sorry for that. I hope you can live a happy life from now on. Hyesung would love to see you in a wedding dress. I give you my blessing.” I said as my daughter was tearing up.

Before I know it, the wedding was just days away. The spirit of Hyesung was spending more time staring into the space, it must mean that his condition was worsening. I was trying out the suit for the wedding, it looked good.

Maybe I should show it to Hyesung, even though he can’t really see.

I walked to the living room, the place where he would normally be but he wasn’t there. I looked through the house but he was nowhere in sight.

Could it be...? That he disappeared?

I ran through the neighbourhood, checking out the stores that he would normally visit but there was nothing.

As if he had vanished... Maybe I’d never be able to see him again...

Fear was creeping up on me. I was afraid. I was scared of losing him, much more than the time that he had passed away because now, I understood his importance.

The sky was getting dark, droplets of rain were dripping down.

And suddenly, I remembered.

I didn’t know which date it was exactly, but I remembered the day I found out about his dementia.

I sprinted to the park. I could see from afar, he was sitting on the bench. As I came closer, I could see he was covering his mouth with his hand, his eyes were wavering and confused. I stood in front of him, out of breath.

“How could you get lost? It’s just around the corner.” I asked breathlessly.

It was the day that he had gone out to get groceries but ended up in the park. A police officer had passed by and helped him to get home. It was very late that night.

I have to go home to help Jinnie. She has a lot to prepare for the wedding.

“Can you find your way home later?” I asked him, knowing that it was just a spirit, it would follow according the memories. However, there was something tugging at my heart.

I held out an umbrella and sat down with him.

“Honey, I think I’m losing my mind.” I whispered as I stared at the rain. I knew the spirit would return back to the house, yet, I just couldn’t let him sit there alone.

“I’ve called home saying that I would be late so don’t worry about.”

Silence.

“No matter what I say, I can’t get a word out of you, can I? Come to think of it, you didn’t really like me much when we were dating. You were quiet and didn’t talk much until we get into bickering. It took me forever to convince you to marry me. You don’t know how hard it was. Hahaha...” I laughed at how ridiculous I was, talking to a spirit, no, a memory.

“If I keep talking to you, like back then... will you answer me someday?” I looked at him, he was just staring blankly, as always. The rain had stopped so I closed the umbrella. My arm was getting sore all over.

I guess age is not just a number.

Hyesung suddenly stood up and walked away. I followed him and realised that he was heading toward the police station. The officer must have led him there before taking him to our house.

Jinnie’s wedding was a simple one, just close friends and families but she was beautiful. I wished Hyesung was there, he would be so proud to see his baby bird had grown up and walked down the aisle.

And so the seasons went on changing.

And before I knew it, three years had flown by with me watching Hyesung’s memories.

I had started to keep track of time as every day was precious treasure.

Around this time, his condition was getting worse and worse so he spent most of his time at home. Even doing simple chores was impossible.

One day, he was watching TV but his expression suddenly turned bright, he smiled. That was the first time I had seen him smile in three years.

He must have seen something on TV four years ago to make him smile. What could it be? I franticly searched on the internet for news that was broadcasted four years ago. It was a New Year broadcast of a popular cherry blossom location. It suddenly hit me as I realised what Hyesung was smiling about.

He remembered.

He remembered the day I proposed to him, under the cherry blossom.

“I wish I had more that I could offer you but this is all I have. We may have to live off instant noodles cooked on iron for the rest of our lives. But if you can accept me as I am, will you marry me?” I had nervously proposed like that that day, I didn’t even have a proper ring but one made of grass.

“What kind of proposal is that?” He had smiled at me brightly and punched me lightly on the arm. “Be more serious and I will accept it.”

He might have forgotten who I am but he still remembered that day. I cried while burying my face in my palms. His love for was not forgotten yet I was the one forgetting our love. I’m afraid. As time goes on and the days get closer, will I lose him once again?

My daughter visited me from time to time even though she was busy with her life. One day, while having dinner, she asked:

“Do you think he still remembered us when he died? The thing we said, our life together... He couldn’t remember, right?”

“Don’t worry, he remembered everything just fine.” I replied. I was certain that Hyesung would remember our bonds, our feelings.

“I hope he didn’t remember me....” Jinnie was crying as she said this. “That night, I was on the phone with Andy. He needed to meet me but I couldn’t. I was getting frustrated so out of anger, I said that I could only go if Hyesung wasn’t there. In the end, I sneaked out when Hyesung was sleeping. What if... what if Hyesung had heard that and....”

“It was not your fault...” I embraced Jinnie. My daughter was guilty for her action but I couldn’t blame her for anything. Because I knew this tragedy wasn’t for anyone’s fault.

Time flown by, I didn’t know that four years were such a short time to brace yourself for the inevitable. But that day came...

24 of March

It was about eleven at night when the spirit rose from bed and walked out of the house. I followed it, wondering what Hyesung was thinking while walking across the bridge. The cool spring breeze was blowing by and messed up his hair even though he had it in a ponytail. Occasionally, he would stop in his track and gazed and starry sky, maybe, he was hoping for a comet to pass by and make a wish.

He was sitting on the bridge’s rail, staring blankly at river below him. His feet were swinging to his cheerful whistling.

“Please.. don’t..” I trembled as I reached out my hands, trying to hold him back. But it was useless.

He turned his head and looked at the direction of our house. He smiled. A content smile as he let both hands off the rail and threw himself into the water. Energy seemed to leave my body as I dropped onto my knees.

He’s gone. Forever.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks. Maybe, these were the delayed tears, the tears that were never let out during the funeral, since I didn’t know how much I loved Hyesung, how much he meant to me.

Even if I know everything, I couldn’t change anything. At least I know, he remembered his love for me. At least I know where my faults lie and now, I will live on till the day I can redeem myself.

12 years later...

It was a funeral, but not many people visited.

The memorial photo was a picture of smiling old man.

The name underneath was Eric Mun.

In a pure white dimension, the old man was heading somewhere. The place he headed was shining brightly. The sky was blue and cherry blossom petals were scattering from the gentle wind. Underneath the tree, there was a slender figure watching the cherry clossom.

“Honey...” Eric called out.

“I missed you.” Hyesung turned around and waved while smiling.

They ran to each other and embraced.