It was a winter night when I first saw her.
Exactly one week before Christmas.

She was sitting in front of my doorsteps, crying.
Her knees curling up with her arms around her legs.
She had nothing but a t-shirt and shorts on.She was covered with wounds.
Wounds were everywhere, on her skinny legs, on her lengthy arms, on her boney hands and on her pale but delicate features.
She was shivering.

I couldn't help it.
I walked up and took her into my apartment.
That was when.
That was the first time I saw eyes that was blurred by tears.
Yet they were so clear that I couldn't take my eyes off them.
I was drowned in her eyes, so desperate yet so pure.

I knew by then, I was in love.

 

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I like her touch.
I never liked anyone's, not even him.
But I like hers.

Her touch was soft and warm.
She cleaned me up as gently as a gardener taking care of her most precious flowers.
So delicately as if I could break any moment.

The hot water glided down my back.
I gasped as it touched my wounds.
She gently traced them with her hands and cooed.

I felt safe, and I drifted into oblivion.

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'What's your name?'

She looked at me, without a word.
I could sense the fear in her eyes.

'It's ok, I'm not gonna hurt you.' I assured her as I handed her a warm glass of water.

'I'm Yoona.'I tried to reach out but she flinched.
'You're safe here.'

'Do you....talk?'Stupid question, but I had to ask. She hadn't said a word since I met her.

After another 5 minute unbearable silence, I decided to leave.
"''ll let you rest.'

A pull stopped me from walking any further.
I turned and saw her hand grabbing my clothes.
She didn't say a word. She didn't need to.
She needed the company.

 

So I stayed until she fell asleep, with her hand still grabbing tightly around my shirt.
Her brows frowned as the night went deeper.
I traced my fingers along her every wound

And an intense feeling overwhelmed me.
I want to protect her, and stay by her side for as long as she allow me to.
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She had the ability to make me happy.
I know it doesn't show.
Normally I would just nod a bit and show her my consent, or appreciation.
Then she would show me her most radiant smile.
So intense that I wonder if the sun could be as brilliant.

She said that she had to go to the supermarket to get some groceries as the typhoon's closing in.
She asked me if I wanted to come.
I nodded.

'May I?'She pointed at my hand and asked. I looked at her in confusion, in which she returned with a warm smile.

'I’m afraid that you would get lost.'
And so I nodded again.

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I like her hands.
My hands are cold, but not hers.
They’re warm and comforting,soothing, like her voice.

I like hearing her talk. She could talk endlessly. She didn’t mind if my only responses were nods.
I like that.
I like it when she concentrated on me, like I was the only person in the world.
She made me feel special.

'You’ve got really pretty eyes,you know that?' She suddenly asked on our way home. I slightly shook my head.

'Really?No one ever tell you that?' Her voice sounded so surprised that the end of my lips actually curved up a little.

'Well, I think it’s b-e-a-u-tiful.I noticed that the first time I saw you on my doorstep.' She faced me and gave me a little wink. 'It's captivating.'

 

I admit, I couldn’t take my eyes off her.Her smiles were just as beautiful.

 

It was......captivating.
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The typhoon came as expected, yet it stayed longer than it should’ve been.
Electricity was out, yet surprisingly, she wasn’t as afraid of the dark as I thought she would be.

Ah, but she was afraid of the lightning.

She curled up beside me, as usual.
I wrapped my arms around her, as usual.

She took my hand and used her fingers to trace words on my palms.

"Talk"she wrote.

I smiled, and then I started talking. About my idiotic and boring life in college, about my interests, about my hobbies.About what I love about life.

'I love to meet new people. To know more about different kinds of people in life,don’t you?'

She shook her head.

'Why not?'

"It hurts"she wrote.
And her eyes were full of sorrow.

That was the first time I found myself speechless in her presence.

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She asked me if I could be with her.
I shook my head, though my heart rejoiced with glee.
She looked sad.
So I took her hand and wrote,

"It's not you.It's me."

 

I'm not worthy of you.

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I had somehow fallen asleep on the couch it seems.A blanket was being placed over me.

I sat up and saw her in the kitchen, cooking.
I walked up and peeked.

'You're awake.' She seemed a bit surprised by my sudden appearance.

'Just in time for lunch.' She grinned and I felt my heartbeat accelerating.

'Let's go for a walk at the park afterwards, shall we?The weather's perfect.'

As usual, I nodded.

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'Can I ask you something?'I had to ask.The question has been stuck in my chest for several days now.I just to get it out.

 

She nodded.

'What do you mean that day?'

'When you wrote, not me, but me?'

She seemed a bit startled, and probably terrified when she heard it. And then, I saw her lowering her head as a tear escaped her eyes.

She took me by the hand. It was a bit warmer than the first time I had found her,but nevertheless still cold.

 

"Dirty."She wrote.

We met eyes, and then I suddenly understood.

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I was lying there,,legs wide spread, his heaving and disgusting body over me.
I tried to fight, but it only became worse.
He'd hit me with anything he could get his hands on, and then again and again,came inside me.

 

She saw me.
I was in her studying room. I didn't know why I was there. I had no memory of getting 
up and leaving the bedroom.
And yet there I was, with a cutter knife in my hand,and blood dripping from my wrist.

She ran towards me.
She took the knife away from my hands and pressed hard against my wound as she reached for the phone.

 

My sights were a blur now.
I closed my eyes as I felt my strength escaped my body.
I didn't hit the ground.
She caught me, I could tell.

I tried my best to open my eyes.
And I could see the beautiful gaze the first time I saw her on the doorstep.

 

Her whispers were comforting upon my ears, so soft and tender like a lullaby.

"Hang on…it's alright… hang on."

Oh, if only you really knew what it had been like.
But her voice made me felt safe.
That was when realization came in, and I knew that I was in her arms, not his.
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I heard the machines ticking.
I heard my heart pumping blood through my veins and for a moment there, I tried to hold my breath. To try again if I could drift into oblivion and never wake up.

A hand traced along my forehead tenderly, and by the temperature of it, I knew it was her.
I could sense her breath tickling down on my nose, and it made me realize just how close she was.
My heartbeat just went faster.I could no longer hold my breath.

 

She sighed.
'I'm sorry.If only I knew.'Her whispers rang about my ears, and the words cut through my heart like a thousand knives.

 

I've hurt her, which was the last thing I wanted to do.
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Something in the way she treated me changed.
She became more tender, but also more sarcastic and funny at the same time.
It was as if she was trying to make me smile more, to look lighter.
Sometimes her look would even look as if she was anticipating me to talk.
And when she saw me only smiled bigger than before,that look died down a bit, but was soon replaced by the right amount of joy because I actually smiled.

 

"I'm sorry."I wrote in her hand.

That night I had gone to her study, where she usually worked.She took off her glasses as shifted her eyes to me from the computer when she saw me walk in. Her eyes soft yet full of awareness as she quickly scanned my hands for anything that has the slightest potential to make me hurt myself.

'Why?'Her expression softened as I sat in her lap, my back against her body.I took her hand, and then I wrote,

"I've hurt you."

"I don't want that."I then wrote. And she smiled,looking a little bit sad.

'I would rather you hurt me than hurt yourself.'

"But why?"

'Because,'She leaned in and rested her head upon my shoulders,and then she took my by the hand and wrote on it.

"…to me,you're worth it."

 

I didn't know what to respond. And before I knew it, she had kissed me on the cheek.
She took me by the hand and led me to the bedroom.
She held me till I drifted to sleep.
And that night, in her arms, I'd never felt more safe in my life.
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I never knew what changed.
But from the minute I knew her, I started to get better.
So it must've been her.
Something about her just made me…smile.

And sometimes now, I even laugh.
A small laugh would escape my mouth and her smiles would at that moment would definitely melt everything, even the sun.

Something in me couldn't hold any longer.

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

 

I walked up to her without warning,taking her hand with mine.
This movement surprised even myself.

'What is it?' Though startled, she quickly showed me her beautiful smile.

 

It was so long since I've said a word.
So I began with other things.
First I tightened my grip on her hand and pulled, indicating that she should lean in.
Once her face was next to me, I planted a quick kiss on her cheek.
And then I smiled.

She pulled back and looked at me. Her expression first perplexed,than as she saw my smile, it turned into a embarrass yet satisfied smile.

 

'Thank you.'I whispered quietly.

 

But I knew she heard it. 

 

 

-The End-