“He’s really serious about leaving huh…  Joonie hyung.” I looked at him whose sitting beside me on the ground of our company’s rooftop. It was night and the cold air of October was hitting our bodies. But it doesn’t matter because the news dropped by our manager this morning was much colder.

Sanghyun was staring at me with a blank look on his eyes. His nose was red and the calm breathing he exhaled was forming smokes. He has always been sensitive to cold unlike me but sitting here outside with him for about an hour or so would affect me as well. It’s freezing. But as I said before… it doesn’t matter.

“….” I don’t know how to answer back. I can’t even express the feelings that are building up inside of me on words and giving comfort is not an option either, it would only become a poor joke because we’re on the same circumstances. The both of us are clueless and restless on what to do.

But Sanghyun doesn’t mind my silence as a reply and went to stared up ahead the sky with his eyes being busy on finding something. What is he trying to find? In curiosity I perked to the sky also and there was nothing but the darkness of the night. What’s there to find?

“I can’t see it….” It’s like whisper in the air, the way he said it. I turned my head to the occupied dongsaeng having no idea of what he meant. Can’t see what?

I frowned with my heart beating fast, ignorant on what I am so nervous for. “What can’t you see?” He flinched as if what he mumbled earlier wasn’t supposed to be heard by me but then he smiled calmly like his usual composed self before whirling to me.

“The stars…” He said. Stars? But there are no stars on the night sky of Seoul. He’s been living here for seven years. He should know it already.

“But why? You can’t even see one you know.” I tried to laugh but his expression was so solemn that my voice dried down and all I did was look away from him. Then the silence consumed us again.

“….”

“I’ve seen one before…”  He unexpectedly spoke making me face him. He was again staring head up with a distant look on his eyes. 

“When?” The wind blew suddenly just as the time I asked. It was a gentle breeze yet cold and I had to hug myself from the shivers I felt before looking back at Sanghyun again and found him with a soft smile spread on his face, eyes closed and with his hair flowing rhythmically with the wind. It was beautiful.

“Do you enjoy the cold air?” I can’t help but ask.

He shook his head as he look at me. “No, why?” Sanghyun giggled.

“Because you looked like you’re enjoying it.” I grinned a little hearing his first laugh that day. “It was cold but you were smiling like an idiot.” Not really. You’re beautiful.

“Hah…” He smiled cheekily. “Nah… it’s not because of that.” This time he became his usual self again, calm. “I was just reminiscing of the past.” My heart ached. I don’t want to remember anything about the past right now because the past involved our group, the good times, the bad times and everything that what made us now.

“What is it that you remember?” Though I’m hesitating to, I asked.

He smiled at me before turning his head again up on the sky. “I said earlier that I’ve seen a star before right?” I nodded and he continued. “It was when I was about to debut with you guys… I was looking for a sign.”

Sign? I was confused a little but having an idea what it is I opened my mouth. “Star… it’s the sign?”

He looked happy when I got it and my heart pounded a little. “Yes, to join or not to join.” Sanghyun sighed. “If I see one I will but if I don’t I will not. Childish right?” He chuckled.

I shook my head. “I don’t think so, because a star showed itself to you, almost a miracle for a city with no stars.” I smiled. “It’s just implying that you are meant to be in Mblaq, with us.” And had the chance to meet you.

He gave me a kind smile. “Thanks hyung. That means a lot coming from you.”

“…”

We stayed quiet for a while, listening to the breeze of the night. Trying to put aside the problems we are having currently and just being ourselves with no worries and fears, trying to put our minds at ease that everything will be all right when we wake up and the only problem we’ll be facing forward is how to go through the bunch of schedules ahead without exhausting ourselves too much, or how to be the first one to grab the most delicious lunch the manager bought for us.

That’s the way I wish it would be. I wonder if it’s the same with Sanghyun. “What are you thinking right now?” I broke the silence.

“I was just thinking… Joonie hyung wants to leave because of his goal.” He uttered. “Do you find it selfish hyung?”

I was surprised. Is he thinking that Joon made a selfish decision? I can’t let him think that, Joon might have been a little selfish but that’s not it. “Well if you put it in a way that will surely harm the group then it is selfish. But…” I sighed, I can’t help but be upset about Joon’s decision.

But he is still one of our brothers and I don’t want anyone of my dongsaengs to think of him anything near as selfish. “…from the start he desired to act but he chose to be with the group, for five years he endured. And now that his contract is about to expire and there’s a big opportunity for him out there then we can’t forbid him from grabbing it. It’s been a forever dream of his after all.”

“That’s what you think hyung. But what about the others?” His question pierced through my heart. The others he say? I remembered them leaving the building with a very distressed look. Cheolyoung was almost crying and Byunghee was beyond angry.

For Cheolyoung, Mblaq was his family. It was a group under his brother in law’s management and he treated us like his real brothers. Not once did he think of leaving it even though with his brother in law’s help he can go solo to begin with. He wished for us to stay together.

Byunghee had it worse. To think that Mblaq was his second group, he has so many dreams for us that he didn’t achieved with his first group. He never wanted to again experience the kind of hurtful feelings he felt when his first group disbanded.

But it can’t be avoided now. Those two were mostly feeling betrayed. I too. It hurts so much that I want to cry and shout this instance because Mblaq was my life, my own paradise, my most important treasure. But I can’t be weak in these crucial times because I am their leader and leaders don’t show weaknesses, or defeat, they don’t cry in front of their members. So I’ll cry alone. I’ll comfort myself alone.

They needed me now more than I needed them. “You don’t have to worry. I’m sure they’ll understand. They might be a bit down with what’s happening lately but they’re not that unreasonable, Joon was after all important to them too.” I smiled and ruffled his hair. “He laughed and cried with us, had fun times together, shared dreams with him, helped us with anything we asked for.”

“Yeah. That’s true.” Sanghyun heaved and fixed his unraveled hair.

“See.” I grinned. “And now that he wants to achieve something