August 25

Dear Diary,

Our group has gone through a lot. All those long hours of practice, diet(mostly from the tiring practice and days we had), vocal lessons, dance practice finally paid off. I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am to our fans who have been there supporting us along the way. Our Inner Circles. The name sounded awkward and funny initially. But it is special the more I think and hear of it. We, Winner are inside the fans circle and always will.

The members listen to me well. They work hard and do their best. The path gets rough at times but we work it out. And there is Jinwoo hyung who still needs to boost his confidence and feel good about himself. He does not show it and is improving day by day. But I know behind those smiles is the real Jinwoo who is still inside his shell, scared to come out sometimes. Being the leader of a group with talented members having different personalities has been challenging, in a good way. It has made me improve a lot too.

Going back to Jinwoo who has been my roommate for a long time, I have seen a lot of sides to him. I do not think anyone in YG knows him better than I do. Yes the members love and care for him, I do not doubt that but they do not know him as much as I do. 

I remember an incident before debut where he could not match up to our rehearsals. Nervousness got to him. Everyone was tired and frustrated. Not at Jinwoo but because of the fact that we had been practising till 4.00am and still could not perfect it. They were also tired and kept making mistakes at one point or the other including me. Taehyun sat down looking sad, Mino was quiet. Seunghoon  tried to break the silence but ended up giving up. I do not blame them. We were going through a lot and that day was just not the day for us. No matter how long we practiced the mood was just not there. We were all tired and sleepy. But it was a time for getting stronger as we faced more difficulties. I knew Jinwoo felt devastated at this. I could already see it from his face. He always feels responsible for any bad thing if he is involved. This was not his fault but I knew he felt sorry to all the members. I called the rehearsal off. No one was in the right mood anyway. I took them to the park 5 miles from our dorm. It was already working. I poured out my feelings and one by one they started sharing theirs. I will not write what happened in detail but to generalize it, we encouraged each other and later started laughing at our own jokes. I am glad I am in Winner with these amazing 4 boys. I cannot imagine myself without them. Hardships just strengthen us as a team and as friends.

Have I mentioned about that strange night with Jinwoo? I guess not. After a personal meeting alone with our CEO Yang Hyunsuk, I went back to our dorm. Taehyun and Seunghoon were watching a movie while Mino was in his room. I greeted both of them and entered Mino's room to see him sleeping. I always made it a point to greet the members good night before going to bed. But Mino had already slept so I went to my room. Jinwoo was not there. Or atleast he was not there in his bed. I rushed out of our room and asked Taehyun and Seunghoon where Jinwoo was and they replied he was in our room. 

I went back realizing I did not check the entire room. He was still not there. I headed to the bathroom and found it locked from inside. I decided not to disturb him in case he was doing his needs or taking a shower. I changed and lay down in my bed as sleep befell me. Almost one hour later I woke up to see his bed still empty. It was not right. I knocked on the door and did not get a response. I knocked several times and finally threatened him that I would break the door down if he did not open. Then he opened it hesitantly with a red face. He had been crying. I closed the door behind us and sat down beside him inside the bathroom. 

He looked at me intently but did not speak. I had to coax him till he finally uttered the words I did not like hearing from him. 

"Seungyoon-ah am I a barrier to our group?"

"Jinwoo we have been over this. You are not a barrier. You are a special and a talented person in Winner as much as Mino, Taehyun, Seunghoon or me."

No one knew about this conversation we had the previous time too. Jinwoo always had this inferiority complex.

He smiled "I am sorry. Just that today I was going through our WIN videos and comments. It made me question myself and the past memories just kept coming back"

"Jinwoo its natural to remember your bad moments when you are sad. Its a part of being human" I smiled. 

"But WIN was the past. Just because you forgot the lyrics once does not make you a bad singer. Plus we all performed below average when WIN started but improved as time went by."

He sheepishly looked at his fingers fondling with it.

"Sorry" was all he said.

I smiled and thought to myself how I wished I could show him the immense talent he has and how much he means to us. I patted his back as he looked at me with those sweet round eyes. I found myself staring at him for too long till it was too late. Strangely he did the same. The staring thing went on for a while till he did something I never expected since he was not bold. He moved closer to my face till our lips almost touched. If only Taehyun did not barge in to our room shouting my name I swear that could have been a kiss. 

"Seungyoon did you find him?" Taehyun shouted.

We immediately stood up. I never thought of boys that way but that day I wished Taehyun came in a bit later. Was I in my right mind? I do not know. I have been thinking about this a lot but never came up with an answer.

Coming to the present I am lying down right now entering you(my diary) starting from today. I have not maintained a diary for a long time which is why I decided to start again from today. Anyways good night, diary. I should sleep since we have to get up early for a schedule .