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“Super Junior’s Lee Sungmin confirmed to be engaged to actress Kim Saeun. Report says that the wedding will be held on the 13^th of December, 20…”

I watched your news flashed on my TV screen and I just could not hold back the tears flowing out from my eyes. You two are both smiling, a smile I knew I had when I was still with you - a smile that I know that came from your hearts.

I always wanted to congratulate you both in person actually,  just like what the others did as they blessed you for your new found happiness, but it seemed that I could still not.

I am afraid to what would happen once I face you. I am still afraid that I might confess the feelings I still harbor for you. I am afraid that I would only make myself drown more to the sorrow I am feeling.

Because I still love you, Sungmin Oppa. It never changed. And it pained me so much.

From these past months, I felt like I am not the Soonkyu everyone knew. I felt like I am a new person. A person trapped in the sorrow, sadness and loneliness. I tried to hide it from the others but I could not. They say my eyes would always tell the truth. The fake smiles and the bright mask could be easily wiped away once I locked myself in my room, crying my eyes out. The pain is just so unbearable and I could not try to keep it away.

The bright and warm SoonKyu you knew was now gone, the same time I told you that I want us to break up because we could not bear the burden anymore.

And now I regret it. I regret what I told you because you agreed and yet the pain in your eyes told me it was so wrong.

I should have held your hand that time and kept you but I am a coward. I should have accepted the marriage proposal that night but I turned it down. I should have been more understanding of you though I knew you still tried your best to see me that night despite your busy schedule. I should have accepted that ring you hide though I knew it was the engagement ring your friends told me about. I should have tried to appreciate you but I always ruin you and take you down for granted.

If I only could turn back the time, I would take them back.

I would take them back so that I am not like this now. I would take them back so that I am the girl you are with now -the girl that you are kissing, hugging and cuddling with. I would take them back so that I am the woman you are supposed to marry, your fiancée, your soon-to-be wife, the future mother of your children, your everything.

But reality is so damned.

I could not go back.

I could not be her.

I am not and will not always be because of the stupid mistake, the path I chose.

I am only a lost girl, a lost girl that is still drowned from her love for you, a poor girl that could only wish that she is your now and will be your future.

A girl that is trapped in your past.

This was also inspired by the song "Awit ni Ginny" (Ginny's Song) by Toni Gonzaga.