Pictures never lie.

 

But pictures never really tell the whole story, don't they?

 

Yes, we sat side by side at dinner. Yes, we smiled at the click of the camera. Yes, we looked happy.

 

But as soon as the camera shut off, we were back to the silent treatment. We haven't talked for a week now and as far as how things are going it'll probably take a while before we get over this petty, stupid cold war.

 

After Hoseok-hyung put away the camera, he shifted his seat away from me and my goddamned pride did the same. I went back to eating my watermelon or at least trying to while he laughed at something Taehyung said.

 

I missed his laugh. He had that laugh which others found annoying but it was musical to me. Yoongi-hyung said it was someone who's in-love would say. Oh my god. Hearing that from Yoongi-hyung is probably the worst way to realize everything...

 

We eventually finished this agonizing dinner. We left the restaurant and headed towards the van. When we're finally settled with me just sulking beside Seokjin-hyung, we drove off. A friend came with us so being a good leader, I offered her my seat at the front. But in all honesty, I just wanted to be sat close to Seokjin-hyung. The ride was less talking and more of side glances to him which I don't even think he noticed because he was busy typing away on his phone. I hate this.

 

I was about to pull my hair out of frustration when we finally pulled up at our dorm. After all the members had settled down and most of them asleep, I went to the rooftop of the dorm to think. The cold midnight air greeted me as I reposed near the edge of the tall building. Lights from the city were twinkling. Like the stars in the sky. Like his eyes at night when we were lying side by side and having one of those deep talks about life. 

 

Thats what did me. The way he turns to face me and asks if I'm asleep or not. And then smiling when I say no when I'm really sleeping but I stay awake for his delight cause you don't ever turn down on Kim Seokjin. But that's just me, I guess. I love the way he talks, full of fascination. He could recite the recipe of his favorite dish and I would still be awed by his voice. I love the way he listens to me, the way his eyes grow big when I talk about my mom or the days when I was rapping underground. His eyes would light up, maybe not literally but metaphorically they were as bright as the sun. He was the sun in our little dorm room at 3am.

 

And that made me fall.

 

And I fell hard.

 

The day that I finally admitted it to myself felt like an atomic bomb exploding in the depths of my soul. It's not because I didn't want to love him or the fact that he might not feel the same way but rather its the fact that we were in a world where my love isn't moral. A world where loving someone must have a requirement. That that someone must be a she. That we should think first of aesthetics rather than feelings. What a judgmental world do we live in.

 

I heard the door open and turned to look at who came. 

 

It was him. He was in his pajamas with his hair ruffled, evidence of every toss and turn he had while lying on the bed. "Aren't you going to bed?", he asked. 

 

"In a couple minutes"

 

"Okay". Conversation done. He was done talking and so was I but he made no move to return to bed. He was just staring at me. He had that same exact stare when I told him about my feelings. A blank pair of eyes were boring to my own. As soon as the words were out, his lips parted a little, his eyes wide but lifeless, his hand were moving unsure of where to place them. 

 

He walked on closer and sat on the edge with a good meter away from me. He was staring into the dark sky. His presence made the night warmer. He was biting his full lips which means he's thinking something serious.

 

"I never gave you an answer", he finally said.

 

"What?"

 

"You asked me out, remember?", he reminded. He turned his whole body so we were face to face but still a distance between us. 

 

I didn't need to feel the fire on my face to know that I was as red as the ripest tomato. "Yeah", the word came out slow. 

 

He smirked and with that indication I scooted closer till our knees were touching. "So, what's your answer?", I asked, suddenly feeling brave.

 

"I don't think I'm ready to fully commit yet", he said which made my heart drop. He was rejecting me.

 

"Oh"

 

I did really try to hide my disappointment but I think it still seeped through my face. I felt so numb. A planet could collide with Earth right now and it still wouldn't hurt as much as this. I avoided his eyes knowing full well the effect it had on me. I stood up and headed to the door of the rooftop, not bothering to even tell him anything. I could tell him a million words on how much he means to me or just say the three words I've been trying to say but I didn't say anything, I just kept on walking. 

 

"I'm scared", he called out.

 

I stop in my tracks but didn't turn around. I just stood there with my back facing him.

 

"I'm scared because I feel the same way. Im scared because everyone might be disgusted of the idea of us. I'm scared because everything we've worked for for Bangtan might go up in smoke. I'm scared because you're my best friend and if this don't work out I'm scared of losing you", his words came out in a rush. He was coming closer.

 

" But no matter how scared I am. I think it will all be worth it" he grabbed my shoulder and spun me to face him.

 

"I want to give this a try"

 

And with that, another atomic bomb exploded inside me. It wasn't because of the fear for the uncertainty of the future but rather, it was because we have a shot at something great. And that's what he was, something great. I, Kim Namjoon, was given the chance to love a Kim Seokjin. 

 

And if we tumble down like loose bricks, then so be it.