A/N: CANON VERSE. LUHAN LEAVING EXO. MIGHT OFFEND PEOPLE.

-

Everything is happening so fast.

So fast that Sehun thinks another word can make him collapse and dizzy.

So fast that he can’t understand a single thing anymore. That he feels like left alone.

But isn’t he?

-

He wakes up hearing yells, accompanied by sobs and sounds of despair. Is he thinking too much? He thinks so.

He did his usual routine of reading texts and SNS updates on bed. He is still groggy and half-asleep. He lets some comments pass without understanding anything and he guess those messages were just the usual I love you, oppa. Fighting! messages his fans send him every day.

And then he stops. He sits up, rubs his eyes and tries to dilate his eyes to check if he’s really reading the correct word. His hands were shaking; he feels his whole body trembling. Emotions are mixed; he wants to laugh and to cry at the same time. Are his fans pulling a prank on him early this morning?

He scrolls down for more. Everything is the same. The messages are the usual cheering and affectionate ones, except that there’s something more in them this time. Sehun bit his lower lip. Hard. Hard that he feels like he can make it bleed in the next second.

Then it clicks. The yells and the sobs and the wailings. The depressed messages, the encouraging and comforting messages. The assurance messages. Everything clicks.

Sehun jumps out of bed, not bothering of grabbing a shirt to wear, dashing outside to where his hyungs might be. The cold temperature of the living room hits his bare chest but he couldn’t care less. He needs to know if what he’s thinking is what it is or if he’s just going to laugh at himself for believing the pranks all over his Instagram.

Slowly and nervously, as his feet are dragging him nearer to where he can hear Suho talking with his loud voice, maybe with their managers, he shuts his eyes and hopes that what he read are all lies.

The doorknob feels cold and it sends shiver up to Sehun’s spines. The lights in the hallway are bright and powerful, but Sehun sees nothing in them but sadness. Why is he thinking so much at 9 in the morning? Why is he feeling down? Feeling like dropping to his knees and cry until he falls asleep? Tears started welling at the side of his eyes, but he shrugs and clears his throat as he twists the knob open.

The room was silent, the temperature colder than elsewhere. All of his hyungs are in the room, well except for one. Luhan.

Sehun wants to mentally laugh at himself. Of course, Luhan won’t be there. He is staying in China, resting, and waiting for SM Town Shanghai. Yes, that’s it.

He forces his legs to move forward and approach the members who didn’t see him come inside the room. Chanyeol is the nearest to him so he lays out his arm, reaching for Chanyeol’s shoulder when he notice him sobbing.

Sehun feels his heart clenching and beating rather fast. He drops his arm at his side and eyes the other members, hoping for any one of them showing a positive attitude to prove that maybe Chanyeol is just practicing his acting for his drama.

His shoulders drop.

All of his hyungs are crying, except Suho who is talking with rage to the managers, and Kyungsoo who is hugging Baekhyun while rubbing circles on his back.

“Sehun?”

He snaps out of his reverie when he heard Kyungsoo addressing him with a small voice but is enough for him to hear. He turns to him and sees the other member looking at his direction, eyes bloodshot and puffy. He knots his forehead.

“Why are you crying?” The words slip out of his mouth normally.

Everyone stares at him and he knows that once they look like that, they are hesitating to say something. They are not helping his heart to stop beating abnormally. They make him so much nervous than before he entered the room.

“Excuse me, but I think it’ll be polite to answer the maknae for once.”

Still silence.

Sehun suddenly feels funny. He knows he felt like this before. Before which he can’t recall anymore, but he is sure. When was it?

“Sehun.”

Sehun stops raking his brain, trying to recall when he felt the same weird feeling when Suho calls out for him. His voice is firmer than Kyungsoo’s and he thinks he’ll get the information he wants from this hyung. He eyes him, staring deep into his eyes, feeling the seriousness radiate through his body.

It took a while for Suho to finally sigh, breaking the eye contact and letting his mouth do the work.

“Luhan left us.”

Sehun lets the word sink in, and when it didn’t, he mutters a low, “Excuse me?” and marches to where Suho is. He wants to hear it nearer and clearer, in case he heard him wrong.

“Luhan left us.”

The firmness of Suho’s voice proves he’s serious and that’s all it takes for Sehun’s shoulders to sag and his knees to give up on him. Thanks to Chen’s fast reflex that his did not meet with the floor.

“Luhan filed a lawsuit to nullify his contract,” Suho continues. “Just like what Kris did.” His voice fades at the mention of the name of their former member.

“Why?”

“He says it’s because of his health. And that he wants to spend more time with his family. He misses them so much.”

“He put that on the lawsuit?”

“No, he told us.”

“Told you and did not say anything to me?” Sehun is in rage. The mixture of anger and pain caused him to lose his self control.

He turns towards his hyungs who are all still slumped on the couches, hiding their faces except their swollen eyes. “How many of you know this? How many of you did Luhan-hyung contact?”

“All of us,” Kyungsoo is the only sane member out of the eight so it was him who answers. “Except you.”

“Why?”

“Luhan knows you won’t let him.”

And just like that, Sehun’s world fell apart. He doesn’t know if he considers that caring because Luhan thinks of how he will feel or betrayal because he knows that it should be him the first to know about his hyung’s decision.

Sehun feels dizzy. His head hurts, his heart hurts, and else everything hurts. His eyes start to burn and he can tell that if he doesn’t escape by then, the other members will see his tears running down his cheeks. The idea disgusts him so he flees.

He flees just before the first drop rolls down the slope of his face.

-

It has been three hours.

Three hours of desperate waiting.

He waits for Luhan to call him, to explain or to tell him why he decided alone.

He is not a brat, he just feels like he shouldn’t be exempted from his hyungs’ discussion. Especially when it involves his most favorite person.

After he left the living room that morning, he jumps in his bed and tucks himself and refuses to go out and talk with the others. He wants to be alone. He wants to contemplate alone. He wants to wait alone.

The first hour rolls by, but Luhan did not even leave a single message.

The second hour came, no updates from Beijing yet.

And when the third hour started, he initiates the act even if his mind tells him not to. His heart can’t wait anymore. the pride.

He sends him short messages like Hyung... and Hey… but did not receive any response. He tries to keep his patience longer, thinking maybe Luhan is out with his family or Luhan is sleeping or doing things which keep him from his phone.

Sehun’s phone continues to receive all the notifications from his SNS and it depresses him more. Don’t misunderstand. He appreciates every message but all Sehun wants to see that moment is Luhan’s message. And every vibration his phone makes make him jump of excitement, only to drop himself back to his bed when he sees it’s not from Luhan.

He knows he wants to cry more but he also wants to hear from Luhan first. His eyes are swollen from hours of crying and seeing Luhan’s photos on his phone grips his heart, as if gripping his tear tracks to produce more tears. It does, until Sehun can’t shed a single drop anymore.

He continues to wait while sobbing, forcing himself to stay strong and be patient. The fifth hour has passed and no signs of Luhan yet. He can hear the other members gathering in the kitchen as their footsteps fill the hall.

He can hear Baekhyun complaining to Chanyeol to walk fast because there’s not enough room with Kyungsoo telling them to tone their voices down. The others’ voices were slurred, obscene that he can’t catch a single word. Sehun ignores them and tries lull himself to sleep.

“Sehun.”

Sehun groans, feeling someone poking his arm.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Luhan’s on the phone.”

Sehun is sleepy, he finds it hard to get up but after hearing Luhan’s name, his cells woke up and forced him to sit up straight. Xiumin is standing in front of him, phone on his hand, expression blank. He hands Sehun the phone and quietly slips out of the room.

Alone, he still hesitates on putting the phone on his ear, afraid that he’ll break down if he hears Luhan’s voice. He fights the hesitation away after realizing that he’s been waiting for forever to hear him. He mans up, clearing his throat and prepares himself of what’s to come.

“Hyung…” he starts, voice trailing off. He is not sure of what to say.

The other line is silent until he heard a deep sigh. “Sehun-ah…”

Sehun chokes on his own spit while trying to form a coherent word to tell Luhan. He wants to ask lots of things but it simply won’t come out of his mouth. Instead, his tears start to well in his eyes, which he harshly wipes away.

“Where are you hyung?”

“China.”
“When are you coming back?

Luhan fell silent.

“Hyung…”

And then he heard it. Luhan’s sobs.

It was unintentional but hearing his broken sobs urges his tears to fall. He didn’t stop it this time. He lets it wet his face, while he’s trying to keep his sobs for himself. In which he failed miserably.

“I’m sorry Sehun-ah…” sobs. “I’m sorry. Hyung is really sorry.”

“Why did you leave me hyung?” He wants to say more but his tears is drowning his words.

“I didn’t. I will never leave you, Sehun-ah. I just need time for myself. I’m sorry if hyung didn’t tell you about this. Hyung doesn’t want Sehun to cry. It’ll be harder for him to leave.”

“But I thought you’re not leaving?”

“I…” stopping his tears constricts his throat. Luhan forgot Sehun is a smart teenager who cherishes him. Explaining seems harder to him that anyone else.

“Hyung, why didn’t you wait for me to tell you that I love you?”

The spur of the moment made the words tumble out of Sehun’s mouth easier than he thought. He doesn’t want his confession to happen this way but what can he do when time is taking away everything he planned? Everything he has? And the person he wants to be with?

“Luhan-hyung, I love you.” he stops, waiting for Luhan to respond, and when he didn’t, he continues. “No, not like that. I love you as in I love you. I love you like how a woman loves a man. Like how a princess loves her prince. Like how a wife loves her husband. Do you get me, hyung?”

“Yes…”

“I love you because I want us to be together.”

“I know…”

“Then –"

“I love you too.”

Sehun stops. It was brief but he is sure he heard it right. Luhan loves him too. He wants time to stop, and replay Luhan’s words. He can listen to it all his life.

“And that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“Hyung…”

“Remember in Beijing? When all the members are hugging me like they didn’t want to let go? I remember seeing you glaring at Kai and Chen while they do it. When Xiumin and I did the kissing routine, he really kissed me. But not on the lips, but on my cheek. You were behind him and I saw you roll your eyes. Yixing rests his head on my shoulder while his arms are around my waist. I saw you looking at us but pretended to play with Chanyeol.”

“I remember everything that night, Sehun. The members already know about it by then. They know I’ll be leaving, and that’s why I let them play with me until the end. Until the end of my last concert with you.”

“But do you know what I remember the most? My fans. That Luhan Ocean they did for me. And the projects they did for me. It breaks my heart to think that after that night, after they see me smiling at them and after I see them smiling at me, I’ll make them cry. I’ll break their hearts. Yes, I cried because of guilt. Guilt because I’ll be breaking those girls’ hearts who gave everything they have just to see me.”

“And then I saw us. The ocean made by our fans. Isn’t that beautiful? That next to the yellow ocean I have always cherished is the red ocean, yours, specifically. And it made me happy that some of the people holding up your banners are wearing antler headbands. It made me feel at ease that when I leave you, those people will stay by your side. That they won’t leave you just like what I’m doing now.”

“You know what? I tried to suppress my tears from falling when I saw you watching me while I’m doing my solo. I thought someone told you, I thought you were there to watch me and tell me not to leave.”

“I’m a coward Sehun. I don’t want you to know because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself from hugging you, from holding you and not letting you go. I’m afraid that I might ruin you just like how I ruined my dreams just because I can’t do it anymore. I’m afraid that if I tell you I love you, you’ll tell me you love me too.”

“I love you Sehun. But you can’t love me anymore. Because loving me means breaking you. Maybe after this, we won’t be able to talk to each other anymore. Maybe we won’t see each other anymore. And I know it will break you. And I love you so much that it frightens me to hurt you.”

“But isn’t leaving me without having the chance to hug you one last time hurt me more?”

Sehun’s voice cracks, tears continuously flowing from his eyes. He didn’t bother to wipe them away because his face will get wet again anyway. He did not speak while Luhan is speaking. He wants to absorb everything Luhan is saying. And then he realized that the more he’s hearing, the more he’s breaking.

Luhan wasn’t able to answer immediately after that. All Sehun could hear on the other line was him crying. He didn’t care if he sounds ridiculous after. He cries and lets Luhan hear his broken sobs.

“We promised to stay together forever didn’t we? Didn’t you promise not to leave my side after Kris-hyung left? Didn’t you promise that you’ll be there for Christmas and wear a deer costume for me? You promised hyung. You promised me.”

Sehun doesn’t care about anything else. What’s important is for Luhan to hear what he has in mind.

“Why is the 12 of us staying together forever too much to ask? Why is the two of us falling in love too much to ask?”

Luhan’s breath hitches. “It wasn’t easy, Sehun. But my family needs me, myself needs me.” He trails off. “I’m sorry.”

Sehun is about to say more when the call was dropped. He tries to redial Luhan’s phone number, but Luhan isn’t picking it up. Sehun thinks he’s going crazy. He used his other phones to contact him, but Luhan couldn’t be fazed. He shuts his phone down.

Comments on his SNS started flooding him, and he decides to check it. His heart fell.

luexolu: I just want all of you to know that I love you all.

He knows his action will create a buzz the next day or maybe the next minute. But he doesn't care. He only cares about Luhan. Nothing else.

He taps the comment box and started tapping his reply.

oohsehun: I love you too.

And he knows Luhan saw it. That’s all he’s asking for.

Maybe one day… there’ll be 12 of the standing on the same stage again.

Maybe one day… he’ll see Luhan’s smile again.

Yes, maybe one day…

-

So, that it. Luhan left EXO. Hun lost his Han.

This story is supposed to be an OC x OT10 fic but I find it easier to write Sehun and Luhan. This might offend some people, as mentioned in the author's note above. I DID NOT WRITE THIS FOR ATTENTION, I WROTE THIS BECAUSE MY HEART WANTS TO RELEASE STRESS. I have found comfort from my twitter friends, but it isn't enough. I want to tell how I'm coping with Luhan leaving. So basically, Sehun's character is ME.

If you find this attention seeking and choose to hate me, I might as well tell you that IDGAF for dramas right now. I'm in too much drama already. We've lost Luhan. We've lost Hunhan. I've lost my reason to write. But as you see, I wrote something. And this to assure that us, yes, me and my author friends won't stop writing for Luhan and if there's people out there saying this is too delusional, please tell them to count the ants all over the world instead.

My love for Luhan and Sehun and Hunhan will never falter.

We're in this together.

FOREVER. :)