His dog died. 

Each word meant so much more than its mere appearance. 

His. It wasn't just any man. It was Youngbae. His Youngbae. He who kept Jiyong's heart beating, and kept a smile on his face every single day since they were twelve years old. His rock. His sun. His Youngbae.

Dog. Again, not just any dog. Youngbae's adorable 2-foot long, 20-pound black and white shadow. His constant companion. Well, he'd become Hyunbae's companion more recently since BigBang's tour went underway. But the second the dog and his owner reunited, it was as if nothing had changed, and no days, weeks, months had passed. Boss was always waiting eagerly for Youngbae to return. And Youngbae always did.

Died. The death encompassed the physical being that was Boss, as well as Boss's spirit; his puppy-like playfulness, his sometimes stupid moments (what other dog would eat a bar of soap out of the box?) were gone forever. Boss wasn't there to laugh with, play with, keep Youngbae's lap warm whenever he was making music, or sandwich himself between Jiyong and Youngbae when the two tried to get a few hours of sleep. There would no longer be a response if anyone called out his name, a furry neck to slip a leash around before going on a walk, a buddy to keep Youngbae company when Jiyong didn't come home from long hours in the studio, writing and rehearsing.  All that remained in essence were Boss's favorite toys, and food and water dishes. All that physically remained were several shed short hairs engrained in the carpet. All that emotionally remained were memories and one heartbroken owner trying to find solace in the arms of his lover.

The door to Jiyong and Youngbae's shared room was open, where Gaho and Jolie cautiously peered in. Jiyong tried to shoo the dogs away, not wanting Youngbae to see them, to be reminded of what he didn't have. But Youngbae had finally fallen asleep, head in Jiyong's lap, as Jiyong rested his weary body against the headboard of their bed. And Jiyong didn't want to wake him up with his whispers trying to get his dogs to go away. Another selfish piece of Jiyong ceased because he couldn't imagine losing Gaho or Jolie like Youngbae had lost Boss, and tried to force himself to forget that soon, this kind of loss would come to him as well. Jiyong hadn't remembered the last time he checked so frequently on on his Sharpeis as much as he had this last day and a half, and he wanted the two to stay in sight. So with a silent motion of his hand, he commanded his dogs to sit in the stillness of the hallway, and they did. 

Jiyong refocused his attention to Youngbae, who'd finally gotten sleep after restlessly tossing and turning the night before. It took a toll on Jiyong too, but not nearly as much of one. Jiyong gently pressed a padded finger onto Youngbae's cheekbone, just under his eye. The skin was more swollen from the consistency of tears being wiped away, and at the same time, his undereyes were sunken in, the lack of sleep in its physical form. Jiyong moved his finger down and caressed Youngbae's face with his whole hand, feeling the scruff of Youngbae's unshaven face under his palm. 

Jiyong sighed. He was much better at cheering people up than comforting them in sadness. That's what he loved about being a musician, that he had the ability to change a person's outlook on their day just from a song or performance. He wasn't used to mending broken hearts-- he could barely mend his own with the turmoil his heart had gone through. It was usually Youngbae that was there to pick up the pieces. How could he possibly do the same for Youngbae now? But then, what did that say about Jiyong as a lover if he couldn't even figure out how to help his boyfriend through this?

"I miss him."

A small and very much raw voice erupted through Jiyong's train of thought and he looked down at the man in his lap, whose eyes were still closed.

"I know. I miss him too," was all Jiyong could think to say as he raked his hand through Youngbae's hair.

Silence crept over them again but Jiyong knew Youngbae was still awake and for that, was desperate to break the silence. "I thought you were sleeping?"

"I was, but you kept fidgeting."

"Sorry," Jiyong said quietly, feeling guilty for having disrupted the closest thing Youngbae had gotten to sleep in almost two days. "I was--" He paused, not wanting to mention his dogs. "...Sorry."

"It's fine. I've always been a light sleeper anyway. Not your fault." Youngbae was working hard to speak evenly and stay monotone, though Jiyong could tell right away that this was the opposite of how Youngbae was really feeling.

Jiyong was a second away from fruitlessly trying to talk about something else after another particularly heavy silence passed by when Youngbae spoke up again.

"I wrote about it on Twitter. Three times actually." Youngbae let out a humorless laugh. "Writing it in text... It made it seem more real, like I was accepting this reality when I'm really fighting hard not to."

Jiyong kept running his fingers through Youngbae's hair. It was softer now than it usually was since there was no copious amount of hairspray to keep it up as a tall mohawk. He quickly realized that saying nothing in response to Youngbae was actually the best response to give, as Youngbae kept talking.

"Hyunbae tweeted too. I saw it right after I put out my second one. He was really upset, especially since he's been spending the most time with Boss while we were gone. He... he told me that he feels bad for not realizing Boss needed surgery sooner. I think he faults himself for what happened. But it's because of me that this happened, not him."

"Neither of you are to blame." Jiyong spoke confidently, knowing this was the truth. They did nothing to Boss and loved him all they could before he passed away.

"But I was the one who wanted a dog. I thought I'd be able to handle the responsibility. Instead I end up leaving him at my parents' or with Hyunbae more than I'm with him myself. I wasn't there for him when he needed me most." Jiyong could barely make out the last sentence as Youngbae's voice had started to crack in a way that Jiyong had recently become familiar with. He hunched over as best he could so that his and Youngbae's heads touched from where Youngbae's head remained on Jiyong's thigh.

"Bae, listen to me," Jiyong started in a soft, subdued tone, trying just as much as Youngbae had to make his voice sound sure and unwavering, even though the anguish Youngbae was experiencing made Jiyong want to cry too. "It was nobody's fault that Boss... that this happened. Boss knows you loved him, even when you weren't physically there for him. And he loved you just as much. It was impossible for you to give any more love and affection than you already had."

"I jus--" Youngbae choked on his words and Jiyong was starting to feel the corners of his eyes sting. "It's not that I blame anyone else but me. Not the vets or my brother... because they did all they could and were so... so good to him. B-but, I just wish I could have been there... even for his last days... just t-to say goodbye. I know this happened because... because it was his time to, but I should... I should have..."

Youngbae buried his face and muffled a string of sobs into Jiyong's leg, Jiyong instantly feeling the scorching tears seeping through the denim and hitting his skin. Jiyong felt tears of his own form rapidly in his eyes but ignored them for the sake of comforting Youngbae, moving his hand up and down Youngbae's back while trying to calm him with soothing "shh"s. There wasn't much time for him to concoct the "perfect thing" to say to Youngbae, so with a tremoring inhale, he went for it.

"Please, Bae, you're going to make yourself sick building up blame like this... Youngbae, you are the most compassionate and caring person I've ever known. And I can say this as honestly as I can because I've known you for so long. Boss knew it too. You were in his life for almost all of his five years. And everyone around you could feel that you cared for him. As for you not being there for him, you were there for him and loved him twice as much as an owner who sees their pets every day. And especially because of your job, you were a great owner to him. Don't let yourself think that you being away from him for so long made you bad, because whenever you were home with him, you made up for that lost time. You were fantastic, and wherever Boss is up there now, he's happy for having been with you. Believe me, Youngbae, you are not to blame. You did everything right."

Jiyong's tears were streaming down his cheeks, his heart wrenching for the older boy below him. He felt Youngbae push himself up from Jiyong's lap and the both of them straightened out, sitting up on the bed. 

"You mean all that, Ji?" Youngbae's red eyes locked onto Jiyong's, begging for the truth.

Jiyong reached his hand out to the back of Youngbae's head, tenderly the short hairs. He nodded.

"Absolutely. And you should believe it, too."

Jiyong saw Youngbae's eyes get lost behind the familiar rise in his cheeks as he smiled. It was a broken smile, wet with tears, but a genuine one nonetheless. Youngbae leaned back into Jiyong, nuzzling his face against the younger boy's chest. 

"Thank you."

Jiyong smiled, equally broken, but also relieved. "Of course," he replied as he rested his head on top of Youngbae's.

The moment of solace swiftly ended as the boys heard whining at the end of the bed in the form of two Sharpeis wanting to jump up with them. Jiyong tried to send them away again. "You guys just can't take a hint, can you?" The dogs simply whimpered, looking up expectantly at their owner. Jiyong heard a small chuckle from below him as Youngbae sat up again.

"It's okay. They can come up."

"Are you sure, Bae?"

Youngbae paused for a moment before confidently nodding his head. "Yeah, they're okay. I'm okay."

Jiyong leaned in and kissed the corner of one of Youngbae's tear-streaked eyes before patting an empty spot on the bed for his dogs. "You heard the man. Come on up."

The dogs excitedly pounced onto the bed, Jolie, being smaller, taking a few tries more to accomplish this than her brother. They cuddled up in between Jiyong and Youngbae, the two letting out quiet giggles all the while. Jiyong turned his attention back to the other human in the room.

"If they do get to be too much for you, let me know. I can have them go to my parents' if you're not ready."

"Nah," Youngbae replied, his voice still low, "I think I'll be fine," Youngbae scratched Gaho's head as he looked into the pups' owner's eyes, "as long as I've got you."

A/N: Hey all, long time no see. Sorry about that.

So about this story... as is the case with a lot of GDYB/BigBang stories I write, they often come to be from me wondering what happened behind the scenes; based on what I, as a fan know of the members and their personalities (and sprinkled with my favorite pairings), I wonder how they reacted to certain real-life events. This was one of them. I know Boss died last year, but I wrote this one day simply because I wondered how Youngbae got through the death of Boss.

Something else about this story is that I wrote it in May. Why am I posting it not only 5 months later, but also posting it over a year after Boss's death? Well, my own furry friend just died too. Yesterday, I lost my dog, Bandit. I've had her since I was 9 and she was only 13 when she died. She's been sick with several different health issues, in and out of vets, and, like Boss, her sudden illness was very unexpected, and she died way before her time. But the weird thing about it all is that, at 8AM yesterday, in her fragile and clearly suffering state, I told her that I loved her and if she wanted to go, give up this struggle and die, she could. It was okay. At 10AM, I found her dead. It was like she listened to me, heard that it was fine if she left us, so she did. It's so surreal I can still hardly believe it.

So re-reading this story I wrote, it made me cry. Because I now know the pain Youngbae went through much better than I did 5 months ago or even last year. And it's awful. But this story has actually helped me in coping with my dog's death, and I figured there was no better time to post it than now, right? So I hope you all enjoyed, and that I did okay in capturing the emotions of it all. It was very cathartic for me.

Anyway, sorry for this long author's note, but I needed to get all  that off my chest. I'm diving back into writing so I have a lot more stuff to post in the future here. Thank you all for reading. Rest in peace, Boss and Bandit <3