Have you ever heard the story of the lights? My doctor once told me that there are little lights in our souls, that go out when something tragic happens. The lights go out more and more through out your life, until it's your time to leave this earth. Science says that after you die your brain is still alive for seven minutes to replay every memory you've ever had over again, and during that time the lights that have burned out shine brighter then they every have, then all go out at once when the seven minutes are over. He told me that my lights run dim. The healthier you are, the brighter they are, the more sick you are the less they shine, but no matter how healthly you are they never shine as bright as those seven seconds. I've had many lights burn out through my life time, and I can recall when I felt a few of them burn out.

The first time was when my grandpa died. I was laying in bed, on the verge of consciousness when I heard my mom and aunt speaking really loud. They were wailing, running through the house to get ready. I remember how scared I was, because I had no idea what was going on. I jumped out of bed quickly, grabbing my crutches and wobbling to the my bedroom door. 

I had had surgery the month before on my foot to remove a bone spur, and so I had already gotten used to using the crutches. I never lost balance on them, nor have I fallen since the surgery had taken place. As soon as I door opened, my aunt came up to me and squished me in a hug, drenching my shirt with tears and causing me to drop one of my crutches.

My heart sank, a sad feeling over whelmed me as I sat in the kitchen. My mom and aunt rushing to make me breakfast so they could leave to be with my grandma. They hadn't told me what happened though, they just kept saying that they needed to hurry. I found it odd, that they were moving so fast on a Saturday morning, and that they were crying so hard but decided to not ask why. They would tell me when they were ready. I watched as my mom's tears fell into the pan, sizzling and wetting my half cooked scrambled eggs. My aunt had gotten the bread out of the pantry and was spreading jelly, way to much, on the slices in a quick matter.

I told them they didn't have to make me breakfast, that they could just leave, but they ignored me as they worked hastily. In the end I was left with eggs I couldn't eat, and soggy toast, jelly dripping off onto my plate, in a cold empty house. 

Later that day, I was laying on the couch when my mom called and told me the news. My grandpa was gone. I remember not feeling anything, but also feeling a deep, over whelming sadness in my heart. The room was dark, the tv light all I could see at the time. Hot streams poured down my cheeks, a slight pain near my heart.

I carefully wobbled to my room to get dressed. My mom arrived home a few minutes later, helping me to the car. When we got to my grandparents house, there were so many family members gathered in the living room. I knew some of them, but most were all faces I've known at some point in my life, all faded by time and lost memory. 

My aunt led me back to see him. Everyone waiting in the living room, all holding their breath for me as I stumble my way down the hallway, aunt holding the door open for me.

And there he was. He still had his eyes open, hand holding the tv remote. His thumb was lightly resting on the number 5. He must not have had a chance to finish clicking 500, which would have led him to the movies selection on tv. 

He looked peaceful, like he wasn't in pain anymore. He suffered from many medical problems, which took a huge toll on his body. He's in a better place now, but I know he saw how many tears were cried for him. He wouldn't want me to be sad, is what my grandma told me. I know she's right, But I couldn't have helped but cry anyway. The minute I saw him, the pain near my heart felt like it had burst, leaving a cold stinging feeling for a few minutes after. I didn't want to tell my mom about it because my grandpa had just died, and so it wasn't important.

I remember laying at home that night, crutches propped up next to my bed, thinking about all the memories I have of my grandpa. Only one really sticks out though. There was a time in my life where I didn't know what I wanted to do in life. I didn't know exactly what makes me happy.

My grandpa told me to be myself. That's the most important thing that anyone can do. I miss how we used to talk. I do. 

Another time I felt a light go out was when my mom and I got in a car accident. A car ran us off the rode and we crashed into a light pole. I remember how scared I was. My mom was pregnant at the time with my little sister. I woke up a few hours after the accident, hooked up to a monitor with a breathing tube down my throat. My mom had been taken to the recovery section of the hospital, you know, the section they always take patients after surgery? My docter had come up to my room to tell me the news. My baby sister died in the crash. There was an exploding pain in my head after he told me the news. They thought it was just because of the crash, but no. It wasn't. It was a light, which burst into a million mini ripples of pain, my eyes clenched shut because it was too much. My sister never got to see my mother's face. Never got to take her first breath and we never got to hear her first laugh or see her smile like we had hoped.

The months after, with me and my mom both out of the hospital, was horrible. Worse then horrible actually. My mom was depressed. She wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't eat. I had to cook for her and leave it on the bed side table in her dark room. I had to see her dark, soulless eyes every day, at the same time each day when I would give her the food I made. She hardly ever ate it, but I had to try. I couldn't give up on her. That lasted a year until the a metal hospital decided to take her in, her body too pale and weak to function anymore. My aunt took care of me during her recovery. I went to school through it all, got a education, but was constantly worried. No one knew if she would get better. 

Now a day's, I go to see my docter every month for check ups on my case. My mom was back to her usual life again, cooking me food and functioning as a person again. My aunt moved out of the house so it's just us, but I can always contact her with the click of a button if I needed to.

Every night my mom would tuck me into bed, room already dark except from the dim orange light coming from my fire place. The leaves outside are turning orange, some falling to the floor by night, kids stepping on them making a crunch that echos through the world by morning and I sigh to myself. 

"Goodnight Jimin..." my mom whispers to me, kissing my forehead before quickly retreating to her office to continue her grading her students homework so that she can pass them back tomorrow. 

I lay there for hours, watching as the flames of my fire go out, leaving me in the dark of this world with nothing but the cold, my mom's tapping of her red pen floats into the room every so often but other then that the universe is silent. I roll over to look out the window, gazing at the stars before letting asleep take me for the night.

I still don't know what I want to be....

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Thank you all for reading!!! I love to read your comments, so don't be afraid to post what you think!! 

Okay so I just have to say this. Do what makes you happy. Be who you want to be. We as people are always competing with others, it's in our nature. But at the end of the day, you did what you did. If your parents have a dream of you being a lawyer or docter but you want to be something else, remember this. Your dreams are do not belong to your parents, your teachers or your family. They belong to you. Too many people go through life without a dream. I'm just asking one thing of you. Please have one. Nothing is impossible, things are difficult, but *not* impossible. I don't understand why people's motto in life is Yolo, and so people do dumb, life ruining things because you only live once. Yes that's true. But your on this earth for a long time. You will always make mistakes, but it's your job to learn from them. Do what you want to do because you only live once, and you deserve to do what makes you happy every day of your life. Be patient, but don't ever lose sight of your dreams. You can be anything you set your mind to. If you can see it, dream it, think it, you can be it. Once you figure out what you really want to do, you have to believe you can do it. The thing that separates the successful people and the unsuccessful people Is the successful people really believe they can do it. They want it, and they ask for it. Life is actually pretty simple. The universe wants you to get everything you can think about. It has it ready and waiting for you, It's just up to you to believe it and take it. No one else can choose your destiny but you. Your on this planet for a long time so you might as well be happy. Might as well do what you want to do, each and every day. Don't listen to what other people have to say about your life. Just because people don't believe it, doesn't mean you can't do it. Learn to believe in yourself, even when no one else does. You think everyone believed the Wright brothers when they said they could make a plane fly? No. But they did. And now you can fly anywhere you want in the world. Now it's a reality, because they made it real. They believed when no one else did. People write books about those kind of people. People laughed at me when I told them my dreams. But if I listened to all that negative stuff, nothing would ever get done, and the world will stay the same. It takes someone to stand up for what they believe in, a new idea, a new concept, a new dream, to really change the world. Once the people see one person actually do it, then it becomes real. When you say your going to do something, do it. Believe in yourself, and don't let a single person on earth make you think otherwise. The people who never do are the ones who don't believe. Those people are the "realists". The people who always tell you to be realistic. being realistic. Make it real. Think the biggest dream you can, and make it real. If all you need is that one person to believe in you, to accomplish your dreams, then I do. I believe that you can do anything you ever would want to do, if you keep your dreams. Don't listen to what other people have to say about the choices that make you happy, they don't know anything. Those people who are to busy judging other people, those are the ones with no dreams. Don't pay attention to them just because they have nothing better to do then to tell you how to live your life. I promise you if you don't listen to the other people give you and live your dreams, it'll all work out in the end. So please, have a dream. Nothing's impossible if you try hard enough.