Seoul, 10th December 2004.

7.24 p.m

I just arrived in the street to go home. For everyone, it might seem simple, usual. A simple routine. For me, it was like pushing the door of hell and throw myself into his open mouth.
I pushed the door and entered in the house trying to make as little noise as possible.
      "It’s at this time that you come back? Where were you at that time still outside?” Threw me a voice behind me.
It was my mother.
The house was as filthy as I left it this morning, nothing changed. But what I could expect from her? She wouldn’t move , all she could do was whining. Before she broke up with my father, After she broke up with my father. Always the same. I was so desperate that I used to say anything.  Maybe I’m getting used to this life style.
      “You don’t answer?”
      “I was working”
      “You were working…”she said with an ironic tone.
      “At least, I do something of my life.”                                    
      “Oh, that’s true miss Haneul works. Miss Haneul does something of her life. You know, this is not your ing job that will make us eat. Don’t think you do something special in your life.”
      “I do more thing that you’ve been able to do throughout your miserable life”
      “Miss Haneul think she’s better than me because she will soon be major, huh? You know what? Don’t dare to comeback in this house. When you will be an ‘adult’, you’ll see the real world of adults.”
I didn’t know what to answer to this. I didn’t want to enter in her game.
      “I don’t think I’m better than you. It’s just that 19 years like this, it’s a lot. With you, in this situation.”
 
I knew I’d hurt even if it was not intentional, I wanted to hurt her like she hurted me. After that, there was a long silence between us. I didn’t take a look at her, I just went in my room. I removed the horrible school uniform and put on the clothes. Soon I won’t have to wear it, soon I will be into the adult world, right?
 
 
7.45 p.m

Only 15 minutes left. I was going to be late for sure. I was juggling two jobs: one at a grocery store near my school part time and another, in a rather doubtful bar in the far end of Seoul. I finished at 19h at the grocery store and began again at 8 p.m in this seedy bar. I had no desire to work in this dingy bar but honestly it bring me a lot more money than selling vegetables. I reassure you, I do nothing illegal. At least anything bad (because the mere fact of my presence in this bar is illegal). I was only serving drinks to poor guys who come to watch the girls dancing half . Poor guys maybe but not poor , for sure. They spent a lot in drink and paying the drinks to girls certain time. I just look, I say nothing and whenever they need a whiskey, I’m here. Honestly, the only one fact of seeing these guys get an eyeful on girls as or slightly older than me give me the urge to throw out. But I couldn’t do anything, I had to undergo.  I chose so I could only endure during my service.

I found a way to distract me from my three months of experience in this bar. I identified the new and the elders. The old (or veteran as you like) were more comfortable as soon as they arrived they had their regulars. We took care of them. I even made a little chart of criteria in my head. If you have more than three girls at your side, you’re really an old one.

The New (beginner, novice …) are easy to spot. They are totally uncomfortable, especially in their first entry into the bar. They look everywhere on the sides behind them. They are anxious and on guard. They are afraid of being caught by a friend or colleague from work cheating their second half. They have their guiltiness inked on the face because they’re going to, perhaps, cheat on their nice girlfriend or wonderful woman who takes care of his little boy. It’s almost laughable to see them come here, why so afraid? You know damn well where you come, right? Do it without shame.

Novices are easily corruptible, they drink a lot, they are easy, they are accosted by every girl, they pay glasses all the girls who gave them a little wink, hoping to get laid tonight. They are like a kid in a candy store, they have stars in their eyes and want to buy everything. I do not judge any way, what matter is that they have pockets full of money.

11.15 p.m

A shadow apparead in the corner of changing rooms and came to lean on the door.
      “Lee Haneul-ssi, you were late today. Again.
It was my boss. A 40 years old men who was enough stupid for opening a bar like this and, employed a few minors. He had some tattoos too. I never had any interest in his life and this bar was only an preview of his multiple skills.
      “I’m sorry, sir. I was working at my other job and I had to go back to home to…”
      “Ok, ok,ok no need to justify, I understand.” He touched a lock of hair which was falling on my cheeks delicately. So delicately that that became disgusting there.
     ”Tell me…You will turn 20 soon?”
      “Next month,sir”
      “Great” He gave a creepy smirk and touched again my hair.
      “You know, you are really beautiful. I am sure that you would please a lot of men here. It could solve your problems and you could earn a lot of money. All you have in one month, you can have it in one night.
      “I am not interested…”
      “Yeah, I know… You need something as high as your beauty. A beauty like you, it’s not common,huh! You know, I know a lot of men. Real men not kids like the one who come to see you every night after work.  Some rich men search a beautiful and young woman.
      “I…”
      “I assure you, it is not a swindle. “ he interrupted me “You just have to marry with one of them and then you can have all the money you want. You want a flat in Gangnam? Here you go! What do you think?
      “…Thank you for your consideration but it’s not what I want to do..”
      “Ah! You commit a big error honey! I am sure that you can have the best men, the other girls would be jealous..Well, if you change your mind…”
      “I won’t change my mind”
      “Really?”He laughted “ If you change your mind, I am here”
      “Yes…I’m going to leave now. Good bye, sir.”
I left as fast as I could but I still had the sensation of his dirty hand on my skin, his breath near my face.

11.45 p.m 
At this hour, the area where I live is quiet and gave serenity feeling. It was my serenity moment  in this  awful routine. When I arrived in the main street, I went along the park where I was used to playing when I was a child. Every time, I dipped back into a nostalgic moose and urged the barriers of this park as for to open the doors of my childhood. I hid below the tobogan, I curled up on myself. I protected myself from the evening breeze by humming somewhere over the rainbow. A warm tear flowed on my cold cheek while I thought of my pathetic last ones 19 years of existence. A warm and familiar hand came to wipethe last tears which flowed.

 
      “Lee Haneul-ssi, what are you doing outside in the cold wind at this hour all alone?” He said  with a serious face, like one of our teacher.
      “Lee Sungyeol, what are you doing outside in the cold wind at this hour all alone?”
      “I came to my princess”
Princess? Me…?What is he saying…I found this nickname really cliché and cheesy but I couldn’t stop blush each time he say it.
      “Americano?” He said with a hot coffee in his hand
      “How do you do to have a warm coffee at this hour?”
      “Secret” He said playfully “But you know I would do anything for my princess. Even bringing a hot Americano in a park, under a toboggan at almost midnight even when I have to go to school tomorrow”
Princess.
      “If you have to go to school tomorrow, so don’t come. I don’t force you.”
      “And if someone  assault you?”
      “Nobody won’t assault me, I took this path many time alone.”
      “Since when can you predict future?”
      “Since I’m  born. Go! Go back home!”
      “Are you asking me to leave ?”
      “Yes, go!”
      “Will you still ask me to leave if I do this?”
He leaned forward, next to my face. I felt his warm breath near my cheeks which were red because of the small distance between our face. He leaned forward again, again, again. Until touching my cold lips with his warm and smooth. I wanted to push but I couldn’t resist at this.
      “So? I have to go?”
      “…You can stay”
      “I knew you wouldn’t resist” he said smiling.
 
Sungyeol had this something that transport me away. A thing that can erase everything and permit me to not thinking about money, my mom, my problems. He could erase everything with a simple smile. That’s why I love him.
 

00.15 a.m

We had almost managed to arrive in front of at my home, we walked together, hand in hand. It was not hour for the teenager as us to walkin the street but it was the only moment when I could see him without caring me of time.
      “You still work in this bar?”
      “Yeah…unfortunately”
He stopped, —- behind me.
      “I am sorry” I said “But I have to live too.
      “You aren’t forced to do it. I said you. I can take care of you’
      “Listen, Sungyeol, don’t be silly. We are only 19, you can’t take care of me.”
      “I can…I can work.”
      “No, you can’t”.
I raised my voice without paying attention. My voice had resounded in the alley and seemed so cruel. Sungyeol was still frozen in front of me, he loosened the grip that he had on my hand and loweredthe head.
      “I am sorry, I didn’t mean it…”
A long silence
      “You know, it’s not that I don’t want your help” I tried to smile for comfort him “but I have to live and my mom have to live to. And unfortunately, I have still a bit of affection for her. All I want now is to have a nice future. I want to live without having to count how much  I have to eat so that there’s enough for the end of the month there. I..”
      “You did have a dream, right?”
He looked at me in the eyes. He was still hurt by my words but also angry.
      “What do you mean?”
      “Before, You had a dream. I know it because you keep talking about everytime. Where is this girl who dreamed to be singer? This girl who sang everytime?”
      “I grew up. It is only childlish story. I don’t have the time to dream.”

I turned around to continue my road towards the house. I was afraid of turning around to look at him because I know that he was even more hurt. I pushed simply the door and entered the quiet building noiselessly. I abandoned him behind me in the cold of the winter.
All along the way, I did not return, I continued to walk by repeating me,“I grew up”, as to convince me.

I grew up.