CHAPTER FOUR

The corners of Kyuhyun’s lips were lifted in a smile when he exited the clockwork shop that Thursday afternoon. The tight roll of dollar bills - his first pay - bounced in his coat pocket as he hopped down the dim stairs. When he reached the foot of the stairway, he stopped to appreciate the busy street flanked by colorful shopfronts and bountiful carts. He drew a deep breath, and the mixed aroma of chrysanthemum tea, fresh bread, and sugary donuts filled his lungs. When he exhaled, he found himself miles away from the puppet he once was, and closer to being the man he wanted to be.

As he strolled down the street, he waved in greeting to the vendors he had come to know in the two weeks since he had started work at the clockwork shop. The owner had been skeptical about Kyuhyun’a ability at first, but when Kyuhyun managed to assemble a pocket watch in less than twenty minutes, he welcomed Kyuhyun to start work that very day. Despite his flair for the complexities of clockwork, the generous pay was the reason he loved the job.

He reached into his coat pocket and wrapped his fingers around the bills, his smile broadening into a grin. When he passed a stall where crabapples were heaped like a red shiny mountain, he requested ten of them, all the while imagining Ryeowook’s delight at his favorite fruit. As he handed the seller a bill, he felt a sense of empowerment that he was now someone who could provide for the person he wanted to care for, for as long as forever lasts.

He tucked the paper bag of apples under his arm and continued down the street. When he arrived at a forked road, he turned down the left path that led to the municipal clinic.

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The glare of the winter sun had dulled into a meek caress by the time Kyuhyun returned to the cottage. Ryeowook was on the couch, mending the holes in their clothing with every dip and pull of the thread. As Kyuhyun slipped out of his shoes and set them beside Ryeowook’s smaller ones, he added ‘clothes’ to his to-buy list.

“You’re home a bit late today,” Ryeowook said without looking up from the clothes. Kyuhyun thought that the childish grudge in his voice was adorable.

“I went to run some errands.” Kyuhyun went to Ryeowook’s side and lowered himself before him, one knee touching the ground. Ryeowook frowned when Kyuhyun took the needle and thread from him and set it aside.

“Look what I’ve bought you.”

Kyuhyun did not blink as he watched Ryeowook unfold the top of the paper bag. When Ryeowook’s face lit up, everything he had gone through at work - the tired eyes and pricked fingers - became worthwhile.

“They’re expensive,” Ryeowook rubbed his nose, as if embarrassed at his outward display of delight. 

“And you’re worth it.”

Ryeowook lowered his chin behind the paper bag but Kyuhyun caught a flicker of a smile and circles of pink coloring Ryeowook’s pale face. 

Kyuhyun took Ryeowook’s hands in his, trapping the icy fingers in the warm cave of his palms. In his head, he went over the details of Ryeowook’s hands: the callus that had hardened the flesh between the thumb and forefinger, the cool shells of the fingernails, the braided lines that ran on the underside. His insides quaked, and his thoughts turned into a warm stream of river that he could bathe in forever.

This was the pair of hands that evinced all that in him. But this was also the pair of hands that nobody wanted to hold. How could they? 

“Kyu?”

“Ryeowook... How did you get through those days, alone?”

Ryeowook’s fingers went rigid, but Kyuhyun was glad that Ryeowook did not pull away. He could sense Ryeowook’s struggle as Ryeowook vacillated between stepping into the open where Kyuhyun was, or retreating back into the cage which Kyuhyun was barred from entering. Kyuhyun waited patiently, his hold on Ryeowook’s hand never slackening.

“I stopped myself from feeling anything,” Ryeowook whispered. “If there are no emotions, there can’t be any pain.”

Kyuhyun could not imagine how it was like to not feel anything. Since the day he had become a human, he had sampled emotions with gusto, and every emotion he experienced was rewarding, in retrospect or not. How much heartbreak and disappointment had Ryeowook gone through to decide that feelings just weren’t worth it?

A sharp pain skirted underneath Kyuhyun’s bone at the thought of that and he inhaled deeply to soothe it. It didn’t work. Once again, love surprised him with its shades. He wondered how an emotion composed of mere four letters could contain happiness and pain, sweetness and bitterness, all at the same time.

It took a while for the pang subside, and as it did, he remembered the small weight that leaned against his thigh. Reluctantly, he let go one of Ryeowook’s hands to reach into his pocket. The brown translucent bottle winked in the last rays of the sun. The pills tinkled against the glass as Kyuhyun pressed the bottle into Ryeowook’s hands.

“This...” Ryeowook’s lips rounded in search of the correct words.

Kyuhyun shook his head and said steadily, “I’ll never let you hurt again. Not anymore.”

::::::::::

The clinic was packed with more patients than usual. As he approached the counter, he overheard the snippets of conversations failed to absorbed by the racks of coughing and bouts of sneezing. According to them, this winter was a particularly long one and the flu bug was circulating as rampant as ever. The old and the young crammed the rigid benches as they waited for their turns.

The nurse behind the counter nodded her head in knowing and gestured Kyuhyun to take a seat before he could make his request. He had become a familiar face in the clinic in the past month of weekly visits to replenish Ryeowook’s medicine. He wedged himself in between the wall and a mother carrying a chubby baby girl and waited for the nurse to ready the pills.

The baby looked at him curiously as he sat down, her eyes sparkling like a pair of gemstones that had trapped all the blue of the sky. Her mother was engaged in a gossip with the lady beside,  her arm hand patting the baby’s in an obligatory rhythm. Kyuhyun clucked his tongue and the baby chuckled, her rosy cheeks lifting to squish her eyes into bright crescents. Kyuhyun made a face; she chuckled some more. She was as entertained as a child could be with ‘peek-a-boo’, until Kyuhyun could not resist prodding a finger into the roll of fat that folded over her knee. Her face fell rapidly, then it scrunched up like the pleated top of a bun. Kyuhyun panicked. He clucked his tongue and made more faces, but the baby could not be pacified.

He was rescued when the nurse waved him over. He scrambled to the counter just as the baby exploded into deafening wails. 

“What’s wrong, my dear girl?” The mother asked in alarm and bewilderment. She stood to bounce the baby on her hips.

The nurse narrowed her eyes suspiciously at Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun cleared his throat and injected himself with the composure of a man who had not just made a baby cry. 

“Are Ryeowook’s pills ready?”

The nurse shrugged and put the bottle of pills on the counter. “Take two pills - ”

“A day, one in the morning and one at night. Always take them after food,” Kyuhyun finished the nurse’s sentence proudly. The directions was inscribed in the forefront of his mind, and he had always ensured that Ryeowook followed.

The nurse grinned, bagging the bottle and handing it to Kyuhyun. “You can be one of us already. We never say no to male nurses.”

The baby’s cries had whittled into sniffles when he walked to the clinic’s entrance. He mouthed a ‘sorry’ in her direction.

“Sir,” A female voice called, followed by a series of hurried footsteps. “Sir!” 

It took a few more calls for Kyuhyun to realize that it was referring to him. He turned before the threshold where outdoors began. A plump woman - a nurse whom he had never seen before, hurried in his way. There was something maternal about her short curly hair and her genial face. A worried frown that did not suit her creased the gap between her eyebrows.

“Are you Ryeowook’s friend?” She asked after in a breath to ease her pants.

Kyuhyun wanted to shake his head. He stopped himself. In his limited dictionary, he could not identify the perfect term that could concurrently capture the essence of a friend, a family, a crush, a lover and a soulmate. Certainly not just a ‘friend’. He resolved to hunt for the elusive term in the communal library. Meanwhile, he nodded his head.

“Let’s speak outside.”

They stepped into the open, where the crooked branches of bald trees swayed with an eddy of wind. 

“How is Ryeowook doing?” The question was not one that human asked in a preamble to other matters. The concern in her voice was pure.

Kyuhyun cocked his head a degree or two to his right. “Ryeowook’s very well. But you are...?”

Her frown loosened a little, but the worry never quite left her face. “Of course, where are my manners? I’m Anna. I met Ryeowook when I was still working in the hospital in Harnsey. I was in charge of him when he was hospitalized.”

“Ryeowook was hospitalized before?”

She accorded him an odd look. “You don’t know?” She must have noticed the slump in his shoulders, for she placed an encouraging hand on one of them. “It was sometime ago, around the beginning of last year.  Besides, not everyone likes to talk about their time in the hospital, especially not Ryeowook.”

Still, it felt like rocks had settled at the base of his chest. 

It’s okay, he heaved to ease the tightness in his chest, we still have all the days before us. Each day, I’ll learn something new about you. 

And each day, Ryeowook would open the doors he had locked just a little more, until Kyuhyun could slip into his heart and erase all the wounds and scars that were there. When he was done, bliss would shine through Ryeowook’s eyes, just like how sunlight would pour through clear windows. Happiness would be a currency that would always be in Ryeowook’s grasp, and not a faraway dream that he would have to struggle to reach.

“Thanks for telling me this,” Kyuhyun made to leave, suddenly eager to see Ryeowook and hold his hands. “I need to go now.”

“Wait. There’s something else.” The urgent inflection in her tone stopped Kyuhyun. “Please persuade him to return to the hospital. He needs to. Please.”

Kyuhyun frowned. “But he’s healthy now. He’s taking his medicine regularly.” He tried to prove his point by showing her the bag he was holding.

“People with his kind of heart disease...” She pursed her lips. “They don’t become healthy just by taking medicine. They need all the care they can get from doctors and nurses.”

“I...I don’t get you.”

“We can prolong their life, but time is hardly merciful enough on their side.”

A hotness he had never experience ignited in his core and rushed to fill his hands and his feet. The plastic bag crinkled in his hold. Who was she, or the doctor, to decide if time was on somebody’s side?

“Ryeowook is healthy,” he gritted his teeth to keep himself from snarling. “I’m taking care of him now.”

She shook her head. Her eyes grew watery. “You don’t understand. We struggled to save him from the brink of death the other time. The doctor refused to discharge him because he’d never survive past the next spring outside the hospital. But he didn’t want to die in a hospital. That was why he escaped.”

::::::::::

Kyuhyun thought he could understand why Ryeowook had chosen not to feel anything. Sometimes, it was easier not to. 

He walked toward the cottage in stiff, mechanical steps. In the immediate air next to him, the ball of emotions he had kept out of his heart hovered, shuddering with nervous energy. He refused its entry, like a chemist who knew that convergence of two elements could lead to self-destruction.

Ryeowook turned from his spot at the stove when the door squeaked open and Kyuhyun entered. 

“Just in time for dinner.” Ryeowook smiled at him as he stirred the bubbling contents of the pot. “There’s meat today.”

Ryeowook smiled a lot more these days. Every time he smiled, Kyuhyun would collect the moment and file it away in a treasure chest like a series of proud achievements. He would ruminate over them when night fell and Ryeowook slept, devising the things he could do to put a smile on Ryeowook’s face once more. 

But tonight, Kyuhyun could not feel his world light up at this smile. A monster - one he never knew existed within him - clawed at the inside of his ribcage. How many secrets did this smile hold? How many lies squirmed under the curved lips in pretense of a promise of forever?

Kyuhyun moved robotically to the table where a few dishes were laid. He sat down. “I met someone named Anna at the clinic today,” he said in a voice that was not his own. It was distant, sapped of affection.

The metallic grind of the ladle against the pot stopped. The lines of Ryeowook’s back stiffened.

“She said that she took care of you when you were in the hospital. Before you escaped.”

Ryeowook shook his head. “I was fine already.”

“That was not what she said,” Kyuhyun said almost monotonously. “She said that you are going to die.” In spite of his deliberate detachment, Kyuhyun’s heart stopped at the elucidation of the three-letter word. 

Death. A world without Ryeowook.

The steam rising from the pot blurred Ryeowook’s face and the sorrow that played across it.  Kyuhyun wondered if Ryeowook would deny, and if he would believe it when Ryeowook did. He waited for Ryeowook to say something. He clutched his kneecaps until his knuckles whitened.

“Is it true, then?” Kyuhyun probed after what seemed like minutes. 

Ryeowook looked away. “I’m sorry.” 

The words traversed the space between them, circulating like vultures before they slammed into Kyuhyun. The distance he had kept between his emotions and his physical being snapped. The monster in him was fed. It stormed in its cage and rattled the bars in demand for liberation. 

Kyuhyun wanted to sweep the table contents onto the floor, to flip everything in sight. He wanted to destroy.

But he pulled his lips into a cynical curve instead. A hollow laugh tumbled out. “I’m a fool, Ryeowook, I’m a fool. I’m nothing to you, not even after all these while.”

“No. No, that’s not true.” Ryeowook searched his eyes frantically. “You mean a lot to me.”

“Yet never enough for you to be truthful with me,” Kyuhyun rubbed his forehead wearily. “You know what hurt the most? It’s not the fact that you’re hiding something so grave from me, nor is it the fact that I’ve to find out about this from somebody else. It’s the fact that, after all the days we’ve spent together, you’ve never treated me like your friend, much less your family. And here I am, behaving like the fool who wants to give you the best he could.”

“I... I didn’t mean to - ”

“Tell me, Ryeowook, will it ever matter to you that I’m in love with you?”

Ryeowook stared at Kyuhyun. His lips quivered in search of words. In the lapse of silence, Kyuhyun had assumed an answer.

“How silly of me to ask that question. I should’ve known.” Kyuhyun pushed away from the table. His chair scraped along the grain of the wooden floor. He stood up and walked numbly toward the door. 

“Where are you going?” Ryeowook asked in panic. Kyuhyun pretended not to hear. 

There was a clang of the ladle hitting the pot, a slosh of soup, and a shuffle of footsteps. Ryeowook latched onto Kyuhyun’s elbow in desperation. 

“No, Kyuhyun. Don’t leave. You promised that you’ll never leave me alone.”

Kyuhyun pulled away from Ryeowook, the immense sense of betrayal blinding him to all the promises he had made. Without a word, he continued toward the door.

Outside, the wind had picked up speed. It howled in his ears and drowned the voice that was pleading for him to come back.

::::::::::

The owner looked up behind his monocle when Kyuhyun stepped into the clockwork shop, a surprised glint flashing across his eyes. However, being a reticent man, he did not say anything. Kyuhyun made his way to his workbench. He retrieved a watch from the drawer that housed the items that were pending repair, and picked up a screwdriver from his toolbox. For the next couple of hours, he worked in the pleasant backbeat of ticking clocks and tinkle of tools against bronze. He distanced himself from the unpredictability of the human heart, and lost himself in the affirmative sequence and order of clockwork.

When the lamp ran low on oil, the owner announced that the business shall be closed for the day and Kyuhyun helped to tidy the shop. He bid the owner goodbye at the foot of the stairway. However, unsure of where he should go, he stood there long after the owner had disappeared at the end of the street. In the end, he turned down the other side of the street, opposite of where he had come.

He moved aimlessly on the cobbled path, between the rows of vendors who were wrapping up for the day. He was like a boat unmoored from its dock, bobbing along the waves without a purpose. People brushed pass him and he half-expected them to stop in their tracks and ask him what was wrong. But no, they strode forth without paying him second thoughts. He wondered if he still appeared normal to them. But how was that possible when all he felt was mangled and bloodied by the knife forged with Ryeowook’s lies?

His feet brought him a full circle to the park, to the lip of the frozen lake where he had once ice-skated with Ryeowook. He could remember that day as though it had happened yesterday. He remembered being enticed by Ryeowook’s smile and he wondered if that was the moment that had prodded him to fall so deeply. Back then, if he had known that the time he had with Ryeowook was  only ephemeral, would he have chosen to nip the bud before it was allowed to flower into something more?

In the darkness of the night, the temperature dipped. His hands and feet were freezing, but the iciness cooled his head. In the ashes left behind by his anger, sadness percolated. Then the layers of sadness peeled away, revealing the fear that was at the core of his anger.

Death. The formidable fiend that would whisk Ryeowook to another world. This world would lose its colors. He would never hear Ryeowook’s voice again, would never feel Ryeowook’s hands in his again. And then there were the foreshortened promises that would never be realized.

Promises.

“If a kite is what you want to be in your next life, then let me be the person that holds onto you.”

“You’re not going to be alone from now on. You have me.”

“I’ll never let you hurt again. Not anymore.”

All the promises that he had broken in one fell swoop by walking out of the door.

Disgust churned in his stomach. He had played the role of the self-righteous victim on the excuse that Ryeowook had kept a grave secret from him. But when he forced himself to look beyond this facade, he was angry because the future he had envisioned for himself and Ryeowook had crumbled at its very foundation. He had expected Ryeowook to repay with eternal companionship in exchange for his love. He had sullied love by rendering it conditional.

And he had left Ryeowook all by himself. Abandoned him like all the other families had.

He turned from the lake. In the whipping wind, he ran.

::::::::::

The cottage did not welcome Kyuhyun back into its shelter with the usual warmth. The fire that had once crackled in the hearth was reduced to speckles of embers that winked without a purpose, neither giving enough heat nor light in the chilly space. 

Ryeowook was curled on the couch, his head resting on the knees that were pulled against his chest. His arms were tightly wound around himself, as if he was fending off a cold that surpassed the superficial and reached deep within to meddle with his soul. He must have fallen asleep, for he did not react to Kyuhyun’s nearing presence.

Kyuhyun took care to mute his footsteps. In the moonlight dulled by the scratched windows, he saw the silvery tracks of tears. Even in his sleep, new tears eased out of Ryeowook’s eyes to journey down Ryeowook’s cheeks, painting a portrait of revived despair and loneliness. Kyuhyun reached a hand to catch the tears, but as soon as his hands came into contact with Ryeowook’s cold skin, Ryeowook jerked and his eyes snapped open.

In the darkness, Ryeowook looked at Kyuhyun for a long time. Then he shook his head and pulled his lips into a broken smile. “Kyuhyun has left. He doesn’t want you anymore.”

“No, Ryeowook. I’m here.” Kyuhyun cupped Ryeowook’s cheek. “I’m right here.”

“Kyuhyun?” Ryeowook tested. He wrapped a hand around Kyuhyun’s wrist, applied increasing pressure, ascertained that Kyuhyun was real. 

“Kyuhyun...” Ryeowook scrambled to stand up, but vertigo had him falling back onto the couch. He grabbed the hem of Kyuhyun’s coat so tightly that even in the lack of light, Kyuhyun could see the veins on the back of Ryeowook’s hand.

“I’m sorry, Kyu. I’m sorry.” Ryeowook said in desperation. It was as if the words have been b in him, just waiting to be spilled. “I didn’t mean to keep anything from you. It’s just that... It’s just that when I’m together with you, I forget about everything unhappy. I forget that I’m someone whose days are numbered. I let myself believe that I’ve found my happily-ever-after, that this happiness would not be robbed from me after being denied of it for most of my life.”

Kyuhyun sank down beside Ryeowook. The rickety couch creaked its displeasure. The weight of regret sat on his shoulders. He had done a cruel thing. He had gouged the at the wounds that sealed away Ryeowook’s fear, and he had walked away after that, leaving Ryeowook alone to deal with it. He unworked Ryeowook’s fingers, flattening them out so he could hold Ryeowook’s hand. 

“I’m sorry,” Ryeowook said again. More tears had fallen onto his cheeks. “You can leave. I won’t blame you. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

Kyuhyun shook his head. A hard lump clogged his throat. He did not trust himself to speak.

He felt Ryeowook’s desire to pull his hand away and he did not allow it.

“I’m a dying person,” Ryeowook’s voice was a heartbreaking whisper. “There isn’t anything for me to give you.”

There was something about Ryeowook’s use of the word ‘dying’ and the crack in his tone that made Kyuhyun want him to stop speaking. Kyuhyun moved in and pressed his lips against Ryeowook’s, capturing the words before they could fall. There was a lapse of shock, but eventually Ryeowook closed his eyes and responded. They closed the distance between their bodies and kissed with fervent desperation.

In this proximity, Kyuhyun tasted Ryeowook’s tears and felt his pain. Keen. Pricking. It was the kind of pain that swathed the senses, the kind of pain rooted with the despair that no matter how you yelled, nobody was going to hear. He wanted to draw out whatever was hurting Ryeowook and shoulder it in his stead.

He wanted to say: I’m sorry for leaving you when you needed me the most.

He wanted to say: I’ll never break my promises again.

He wanted to say: You’re everything I want, even if you’ve nothing to give me.

All these thoughts, he let them flowed through the contact of their lips and bodies. 

Kyuhyun worked his fingers through the valleys between Ryeowook’s fingers. For a moment, he believed that as long as he held on tight enough, Ryeowook would always be his.

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