I have never been so nervous in my entire life. There is a very real possibility that she won’t remember anything at all. She may think she is a 10 year old little girl who just had a really scary time at a local carnival. She may look at me and now know who I am. If she doesn’t recognize me I think my heart will break. I may die from the pain of it. She has been my life.

“Long time no see princess”

“Was it all real then?”

“What is all MinYung? Tell me what you remember.”

“I dreamed of you. For an eternity I dreamed of you and only you. My parents are long dead. I have been in a stupor for 19 years. You saved my life. You kissed me and you saved my life.”

“My dear girl we have dreamed of each other.”

“So what happens now? I have been lying here for 19 years. I can’t walk. I haven’t been to school since I was 10 years old. I don’t have a clue how to be an adult Ji.”

“You helped me become the man I am. I will help you find the woman you were meant to be.”

“How can I ever repay you for what you have done for me?”

“We will broach the subject of payment for my services much later. Now you will rest.”

“Haven’t I rested long enough?”

“You have a long day of therapy ahead of you. As your doctor I want you to rest. As your friend I want to say welcome home.”

The days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months. Inpatient physical therapy and occupational therapy along with tutoring make her days exhausting. It has been 4 months and she is being released into my care. I have taken these 4 months to set up a home for us. Yes, I said us. She is being released to my house under home nursing care. Today is her birthday. It is the first birthday of hers we will celebrate in 19 years. All the other ones I wished her happiness in dreams.

“Good morning Minnie!”

“Oppa you came! I’m being released today but your dad won’t tell me where I am going.”

“That’s because it’s a surprise little one”

“Well I haven’t had one of those in a long time. And don’t go calling me little just because you are so much taller than me now.”

“I bought you something. It is not a birthday present. That is waiting for you when we leave here. I just thought you may appreciate being able to wear something besides scrubs for once.”

I hand her the box and she cradles it like it is a baby. The care and precision she takes in pulling off the paper is heartbreaking. She hasn’t been given a gift in so long she is savoring the moment. A tear falls from her eye and I wipe it away for her. I could almost cry with her but that would embarrass us both. She pulls out the simple wrap dress and ballerina flats and the tears become a waterfall.

She was the prissiest child. I never once saw her in pants or even shorts. I presumed she would appreciate the dress and flat dress shoes. I didn’t think I would make her weep like this. Rocking her in my arms like a child I let her cry on my shoulder until she quiets herself. When her breathing steadies she looks into my eyes and I grasp just how deeply I really love this woman. I think I always have. I know I always will.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You deserve much better than me. Unfortunately you are stuck with me because I will kill any man who tries to take you from me. Now put on the dress so I can get you out of this hospital.”

The house that I bought will be a surprise for her. We were next door neighbors as children. No one had bought her house since her dad drank it into foreclosure. I bought it and had it remodeled while I completed my residency. I was hoping to one day share it with her. That hope may yet come into fruition if she consents to living with me.

It is a simple home but it is the only one she has ever known. I want her to have it even if she doesn’t want me. I hope to God she wants me. It is not fair to her to assume that she would want to tie herself to me when she has been denied having a life of her own. She should be able to experience dating and all its pitfalls. I don’t want that though. I want her to be mine and mine alone like she always has been. It is a selfish desire and I am trying to be a good person.

“What are we doing at my old house Ji? My parents don’t live here anymore and if I remember correctly you told me once that it was foreclosed on by the bank.”

“This is your home now. I bought it for you in your name. It is completely remodeled and ready for you Minnie.”

“I don’t know what to say. You have already done so much for me. Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you. Now take the keys and let me show you your new home.”

It is a little split level 3 bedroom brick ranch house with a small fenced in yard and a flower bed on either side of the 3 stair concrete stoop. I planted her favorite flowers in the beds by the front door. Painted Anastasia in shades of purple, pink and turquoise. The walkway is lined with large hostas. There is a wind chime above the door.

She walks now but gets tired easily so I wrap my arm around her waist to lead her up the stairs. Once we arrive at the front door I give her the keys. They are on a Minnie Mouse keychain that she should remember well. I bought it for her when we were in kindergarten with my candy money. Her hands shake as she puts the key in the lock. I couldn’t resist. I swept her into my arms bridal style and carried her in the house. This may be the only opportunity I have to do it.

“Ji, what are you doing?” she asks with a shriek of surprise.

“I’ve always wanted to do that. The opportunity presented itself.” I reply shrugging my shoulders nonchalantly.

She stands in the main living room of the house. This room and the kitchen are the only rooms on this level in the home. There is a family room, laundry room, and a bathroom in the lower level. Three bedrooms and another bath are on the upper level. We used to play together in this room under the watchful eye of her sweet and fragile mother. Now it is decorated with modern yet comfortable leather sofas and wildly colorful throw pillows. She was always a fan of color.

“It is beautiful. You decorated it like I used to dream my home would look like. Ji, you bought this house. Where do you live? I don’t want to live here alone. It is a large place though it would be modest for a doctor. Would I be asking too much to have you live with me?”

“There is nowhere else I would rather be Minnie dear. Whatever you decide is what will be.”

“Surely you don’t mean that! I know nothing about your life for the last few years. You can’t just tell me I can dictate whatever demands I want on you! You and your family are the only people I have left in this world but I am not all there is for you. I can’t be.”

“We will cross the subject of where you fit into my life later. You are right you have no idea what my life is like or what I want to do with it. I do. I will tell you eventually because trust me it concerns you. Right now, I want you to get used to living your life so you can find out what you want to do with it.”

I give her the tour of the rest of the house and we have a simple lunch together. I never learned to cook and neither did she. I can make a sandwich and manage not to burn a can of soup. That is the beginning and the ending of my gastronomic expertise. She doesn’t seem to mind since she just started eating a few months ago. Watching the care she takes in chewing each bite makes you appreciate food more.

“Why don’t you have a wife? You have always been a good looking guy even with the addition of the tattoos. You are a doctor and a great person. I don’t understand.”

“There is one lady I am interested in marrying but I am not sure if she wants me in return. I have to give her time to figure herself out.”

“Well if she doesn’t choose you, she is crazy and doesn’t deserve you anyway.”

She doesn’t even understand that I am talking about her. She is still as innocent as she was she was when she got hurt. What am I going to do?

“Oppa, I’m sleepy will you help me to my room?”

“Of Course little one. That’s why I’m here.”

I help her change into her pajamas and I wish I didn’t. She may be as innocent as a child but she is built like a woman. Her s are full and her waist is impossibly small. Her hips are wide and nicely rounded as is her perky little bubble . I am not in any way innocent and should not be allowed to see her in her underwear. Not if there will be any distance between us that is. I need to get the hell out of this bedroom.

“Ji will you stay with me? I don’t want to sleep alone. I’m afraid I won’t wake up.”

“You will never be alone again Minnie. I will always be here no matter what life brings.”

I mean that more than she will ever know. No matter how much I would like to get out of this room, I can’t leave her scared and alone. I climb in the bed with her and she curls herself around me completely ignorant of the pain she is causing me. Her skin is softer than any person has a right to be. She smells like lilies and apple blossoms. This is torture. I am in hell.

I have no idea how I fell asleep. In my arms is the most beautiful soul I have ever known and it resides in the most exquisite woman. I want her. I want her so badly. She has never had a man and her first time should be special and meaningful. I will not steal that from her BECAUSE I love her. There is no guarantee that I am the man she is meant to be with.

“Ji are you awake?”

“Yes Minnie”

“Can I kiss you?”

“WHAT?”

“I mean I understand if you don’t think of me that way. I just never did it before and I remember talking with you about it so I know you know how. Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked.”

I grip her face in my hands and kiss her with all the dexterity and meticulousness I have learned over the years. She melts under the gentle and probing pressure of my lips on hers like warm honey. The whimper of desire that comes from her is almost my undoing. Opening to me I explore the silky confines of with my tongue. Why does she have to be so sweet and so provoking? Why must she torture me like this? I am shaking from the effort of restraining myself.

“You are mistaken. I do think of you as a woman a desirable woman. I have for what seems like an eternity. All I have ever wanted, all I needed was you. I love you MinYung and I am IN LOVE with you. I am trying to be the friend you need and give you the space and time to adjust to life. This is killing me.”

She looks baffled by my declaration. Her gaze is just as direct as it always was in my dreams. It is like she can see to the depths of my soul. She brushes my hair out of my face with her baby soft hands to get a better look at me. There is silence between us and it is not uncomfortable. It is soundless communication of ambiguity and yearning.

“My life is and has been you. It will always be you. Jiyong if I am what you want you already have me.”

“You didn’t have a choice in that. Now you do.”

“I don’t care what is out there. There is no better man for me than you. I do not need experience in the ways of the world to know that. I love you. That is all I need to know.”

“You told me once to find a good woman, marry her and have a multitude of children. I think it is past time you made an honest man of me. I could never commit myself to another woman because I had already given my heart and soul to you. Save me from my misery jagiya.”

I married my best friend one year later on a beautiful spring morning in front of all of our family and friends. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. She is the love that I found in dreams.