Dear Himchan,

My love, I apologize for not coming home for the past two nights and I know that I’ve made you worry with my sudden absence. I shouldn’t have acted this way but I am getting your gift ready for our fifth year anniversary. So, before I continue, I want to wish us a happy fifth anniversary and the only gift I can give to you on this very special day is something I never thought I could afford.

Remember how we first met, my dear? I apologize with all my heart for the way I treated you at first. I know you told me stop apologizing for something I’ve done in the past and that you’ve forgiven me for my wrongdoings, but it still haunts me how much I have hurt you during our school days. I was such a selfish little brat who aimed for the weakest among the weak and I had made your life into a living hell. I was stupid to not see the good side of you and aimed you for your appearance. But I am glad (in a weird way) that I had bullied you during those days because we wouldn’t be together if not for those time we had spent so much together. I am sorry for making you do my homework and forced you to my house each night to finish up my chores, and I am sorry for taking your lunch money. Even though I had treated you terribly, you didn’t report my wrongdoings to anyone when you had many chances to do so. You are not just a nerd; you are the only heir to that large corporation. You could’ve told your bodyguards about what I’ve done to you but you didn’t. You let me continue my stupid acts and the only reason you do so was because you had fallen for me.

Its stupid how you had fallen for the person who had hurt you so much but you still put aside money for me to steal each day. You told me that the only way for you to spend time with me was to let me continue bullying you and I did. I was too blind to see the way you look at me each time I command for my room to be cleaned or something to be washed. I failed to see the secret smile you had on whenever I drag you into my apartment after school so you can finish whatever I wanted you to do so. You have never once raised your finger to have something done, but you did it all for me. If only I had known earlier, then you wouldn’t have that mark on your back. Why didn’t you run away when you could have? Why didn’t you leave me alone that night when I called you out to accompany me drinking after a fight with my parents? We aren’t friends, you are just my victim. Why did you have to go through so much for someone who treats you so badly?

I can never understand you but I guess you had a goal set ahead. You know what you want and you had planned it out very carefully. You continued to let me hurt you while you slowly entered my heart. You chose the harder and stranger path into someone’s heart and after two years of bullying, you finally did what you wanted the most. I remembered that night very well. I remembered the song playing in the background and how you smell like that very night. You were wearing my T-shirt after an hour of cleaning my bathroom, you were soaking wet and your hair was all messy. You looked really weird but the right word would be adorable. You came to me, telling me that you are done with the chores for that night but instead of leaving just like any other nights; you came to me and kissed my lips. I didn’t know how to react at that sudden action, but I am sorry once again for pushing you away and calling you names. I never had feelings for a male before and your sudden action only triggers an alarm in my head. I dragged you out of my apartment and threw you school bag after you before slamming the door in your face.

I heard you cried but I was too confused to open the door. I was mad at you for what you did but I had no idea why my heart was beating fast or why my cheeks were hot and my hands trembling. I wanted to find out but I was afraid. I was afraid that I might do something I will soon regret but I was a minute too late. Pushing you away was what I had regretted the most and I did my best after I had sought out my mind and heart to win your heart even though I was already in yours from the beginning. I was never good at emotions nor am I good at showing love. I had never once received those affections, thus you were treated the way I did.

I won you easily and I’m glad I did. No girl in the world could ever take your place and I am glad. I don’t want anyone to take your place because you are irreplaceable in my heart. You belong there for the rest of your life and I know I belonged in yours. I had sworn to always keep you happy and do whatever it takes to make you feel loved. That was the only thing I could offer. I am a poor man, Himchan, and you had done so much to sacrifice everything in your life to live with me. You left your house with nothing but a broken heart when you decided to be with me and not be close to any bull your family had set aside for you. You chose me over your assets and company, and during all these years, I can never once sacrifice something as big as yours.

My love, you know how much I love you, right? You know I would do anything to keep you smiling. I am sorry, my dear, for not realizing this sooner. I had done all I could to keep a smile on your face but it was never enough. I am not blaming you for anything but I blame myself for everything. I am sorry that you had fallen for a poor and useless man who couldn’t keep a job for more than a month, I am sorry for making you worry when I was caught for fighting with my boss who had not been paying me the full sum for three whole months. I am sorry that I was not the perfect man that I should’ve been. I am sorry for being useless in your life. And to show how sorry I am, I have decided to sacrifice something bigger than my life. I am sacrificing my love, the only one person whom I had loved for so long. I know you will hate my for what I am doing but I couldn’t stop myself because this is the only way for me to fulfil the promise I made to myself.

I couldn’t give you the life that you wanted, Himchan. I remember well what you wanted in life, a beautiful home with three little children. You wanted to wake up each morning and prepare us breakfast and all… I remember it all but I couldn’t be the person you wake up with each morning. I couldn’t be the person who will make you laugh at my silly jokes and I am not that person who will bring you nothing but happiness. Why? Because I am never there by your side to let your dreams come true. I am not the man you who fits your dream and a thousand years of hard work wouldn’t even make me come close to being him. I can’t bring you peace in your life because you are always worrying about me. I can’t bring you happiness because I have nothing in my wallet and pocket. The gifts that I had given you during these years are a joke and I saw the way you look at the clothes hanging in the shop. This isn’t the life for you, Himchan. Being by my side would only bring you sadness, and I want you to realize it now before you regret it in the future.

You are still young and the chances of you finding love is higher. Your parents had set you up with a rich boy who can make your dream come true and I hoped that things will go well between you both. I know you had been meeting him behind my back and I know that the marks on your body weren’t made by me. But I kept quiet about it because I don’t want to lose you before my heart is ready. I would lose my mind and I might hurt the person I love the most. Even though I am hurt when I saw the marks on you, and having to hear his name coming from your mouth during one of our love making, I know that this day is coming. It’s alright, Himchan. You shouldn’t be guilty for finding him behind my back. I heard you cry at night and blaming yourself for being unfaithful but it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. It was mine from the start when I stole you away from your life. It was my fault that you had to go through this and that you had to keep the relationship you shared with him a secret.

It’s alright to be out and open about it now, Himchan. You don’t have to worry about getting caught, and you don’t have to worry about the same problems you have been facing since knowing me. I am sorry that you had a change of heart and I am sorry for the tears you had shed because of me. I am sorry that you blamed yourself for cheating behind my back but it’s alright now. There’s no need for you to blame yourself anymore.

For the five years we had spent together, I want to thank you for teaching me how to love. With your love, I had achieved many things I never thought I would. With your love, I finally get a goodnight sleep. With your love, I am always looking forward to go home after my jobs. With your love, I learnt something called ‘sacrifice’. I want to thank you for giving me what I had been lacking and teaching me a great lesson. You are free now, Himchan. You are free to be in his arms, and your heart is free to love again. Before I end my letter, I would like to apologize to you for one last time. I am a selfish man and I will never stop. It’s alright if I am no longer in your heart, but you will always be in mine. I will always love you the same way I did during the time we are together and I will never stop.

Go now, Himchan. The door is open for you to leave. Please do not be worried about me. I am somewhere safe and far away from you at this moment. I won’t be there to hurt you or steal you from your life again and I promise you that I will never appear in front of you anymore. I love you, Himchan. I hope you will remember the stupid Yongguk who had hurt you in so many ways instead of the man who had grown to love you. Good luck, Channie… Please be happy for me.

- Bang Yongguk.