i.
emptiness, it kills.empty x.
He smelled of liquor and cigarettes, but it wasn’t a surprise because he’s been stuck in his apartment for almost a week now doing nothing but drowning himself in his own self-pity and wallowing in the shadows of a failed relationship that he was not able to get over with even up to now. But they couldn't really blame Hanbin, because this was the girl that held his whole world and had every part of him, including his heart. She was special and dear to him that their break-up, after having dated for three years, left him into pieces and he was too afraid and too lost to pick himself back up.
His family was worried, but they couldn't really do anything about it. Hanbin was a big boy, he was smart too and his mother trusted him more than anyone in the world. She lets her be for the time being, and when things get worse, she knows who to call and that's his friends. His circle of friends that has always been there by his side ever since they were young teens. But alas, even they cannot mess with the sorrow of a broken hearted man.
How many times has Chanhyuk and Jiwon barged into his apartment, demanding for him to go out and breathe actual fresh air and get over his relationship? Too many times to count. Even Hayi's sweet voice and words didn't manage to break down his walls and make him snap out of it. Nothing can and nobody can, not unless they contact Miso somehow (who's already in America by now probably, but Hanbin hasn't been keeping track of dates lately) and tell her to get back to Hanbin.
But dreams are free, and Hanbin likes to stay in his apartment and dream until it becomes true.
x
"You're my one and only," a smile graced her lips and her eyes curve to form crescent moons. She was so beautiful, so breathtakingly gorgeous that he couldn't believe how lucky he was right then and there to have her as 'his'. "Not when I'm lonely, but always and forever, Hanbin, you know that." she winks and it's one of the cutest things in the world.
Hanbin can only nod, smile and succumb to the feeling of love.
He didn't know love could really be an arse when it's over.
x
"What?"
Jiwon's all too familiar sigh fills Hanbin's ears when he presses the receiver close to his flesh. "Open the door, we're outside."
"No."
"We brought chicken and beer."
He purses his lips. Hesitance. "Still no,"
"Hanbin, don't be ridiculous. Junhong paid a hefty price for these -"
"That's your problem, not mine."
"Yah, Kim Hanbin!" he hears Junhong protest in the background before he presses end.
The loud knocking on his door was no problem, there was always music and really high volume. The chicken and beet was no problem too, he knew they could finish it without him.
x
She clicks on the button and he smiles even wider, looking up at the camera with his chin on her shoulder and his arm s around her waist. Her smile, he figures, was just as big as his. "There," she chirped happily when she turned the camera over to look at the picture of the two of them. A picture to commemorate their 50 days of dating.
And to believe, Hanbin was actually going along with this. Such celebrations seemed foolish to him, because why the heck would anyone celebrate that? But then he realizes celebrations and occasions like these aren't all that bad because there's lots of food and kisses that comes with it. Hanbin likes food, but he likes Miso's kisses the most.
He smiles at her before looking at the photo they just took. It seemed nice, they seemed really happy. "I'll develop this and we'll frame it okay?" she tells him, and he nods in agreement because he wouldn't have it any other way.
x
Hayi puts the frame down and back on the table, a frown on her pretty face although the reasons behind it are numerous really because it's either one, Hanbin's apartment smells like a bar; two, it looks like he's been partying by himself these past few weeks or three, he still keeps every remembrance and memory he has of Miso which is really not healthy for someone trying to get over a break-up.
"Hanbin, I told you to jut throw away these -"
"That picture is special, though." he says from the couch. He was lying down, reading a book, although he wasn't really reading it, the words never registered in his head, he was merely looking at it. He had nothing else to do, nothing else to think of. "It was our first selca together."
Hayi sighs. "If it's special, it's all the more why you should even throw it. Hanbin, please, we're worried about you." she takes two steps forward, hands on her hips as she surveys the living room. His room must be worst. "Your mom's worried about you to you know, it wouldn't hurt to visit her, Hanbin."
He sits up and looks at Hayi's retreating figure. She can do whatever she wanted, he didn't care. His eyes are on the picture frame she touched a while ago, and his heart - it aches. Now the photo was just another memory of them, they were just another memory.
x
Walking the streets of the city with the most beautiful girl's hand in his was the best feeling in the world for Hanbin. He was smiling from ear to ear and his heart was beating like crazy inside his chest, but in a good way. Miso's airy laughs and usual smiles would make him fall even harder for her if that was even possible.
"Where do you want to go?"
Miso shrugs, looking up at him with the biggest smile. "Anywhere is fine as long as I'm with you."
x
Empty.
Empty streets. Empty feeling. Empty heart. Empty chest. Empty hand. He feels so... empty.
The streets are quiet and he wonders why, but maybe because it was Sunday night and the streets of his neighborhood were usually quiet during Sundays and Mondays. Or maybe, he figures, that it was because his aura was too dark and too somber that it scared other people away.
He wishes that wasn't the case.
x
Her fingers are soft and her touches are light when she forces him, his lips to be accurate, to smile. Her fingers are on either corners of his lips, pulling them up for a smile while she shows a beautiful smile of her own. "Our Hanbin looks more handsome smiling don't you think?" she looks back, her fingers still attatched to the corners.
His friends, her friends - they all smile and nod their heads. Jiwon looks actually pleased, and Hayi lets out a dreamy sigh.
Hanbin smiles, for real this time.
x
All he sees in the mirror is a broken boy, he tries to lift up the corners of his lips but it's a struggle.
Hanbin sighs.
A hand is on his back and Chanhyuk appears on the reflection as well, his eyes sad and a frown on his face. He pushes his glasses further up the bridge of his nose before cocking his head to the side. "Let's go, Hanbin. You don't want to be late for your sister's recital, don't you?"
He finally tries to reconnect with the real world and with his friends and family after months of wallowing. He had been getting bored of doing absolutely nothing. "No. Let's go," his voice cracks a little which makes Chanhyuk's gaze at him even more pityfying.
He still can't help it if his heart feels so empty and in pain.
x
She folds the piece of paper he had given her, a wide grin on her pretty face. He can't help but feel all these butterflies in his stomach, messing with him from the inside.
"Thanks for the letter, Hanbin." and as if her smile wasn't enough to drive him insane, her kisses is what makes him go over the edge. "It was sweet of you, and thoughtful, I'm lucky to have you. Really, I am."
The way she looks at him right then and there is the only indication he'll ever need to know that her words are true and that she's sincere.
x
Let's meet again
Three words on a small white paper.
"Are you sure you don't want to write something longer, Hanbin?" it seemed as though that was the tenth time he asked that ever since they left his house to go to the post office.
"I'm sure," Hanbin says without hesitance. He's also sure she'll feel guilt creeping up her veins and taking over her heart when she sees this small message. It might not mean much to people like his friends, to Junhong, but between the two of them; between Hanbin and Miso - it meant something more. Hanbin sighs just by thinking about it.
Junhong puts on the stamp for him.
x
"Empty, empty, emtpy." he sigsh to himself, another day going by just like a blur and her face is still stuck in his head even after all these months. He figures he'll never get over her, even if he accepts the fact that the he and the her of the past are no more. He closes his eyes. "All I feel is emptiness."
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