"Did you and Youngjae fight?" Yongguk questions one night when its just me and him in the kitchen, the rest of the members scattered through out our apartment doing their own thing.

Glancing at his tigger print pajama bottoms, I frown. My hyung is a man who's still a boy inside. I admire that.

After a short pause, I answer "No." And grab an apple off the fruit basket on our table. Despite how juicy it was, I couldn't taste it.

"If you didn't have a fight, what happened? Why treat him so coldly?" Yongguk leans against the counter top as I continue to stand next to the table and eat. 

"We agreed to be friends and I'm not sure how to do that." Before Yongguk could dig any further into the truth I toss out my half eaten apple and head to my room.

The truth is, Youngjae thinks that we agreed to just be friends. He thinks we agreed that things would be better off if we went back to how they were. Before the constant break up to make ups and screaming matches.

What actually happened was me ready to argue & hash things out. I was ready to tell him why I got so jealous, why at times I couldn't stand to look at his face or hear his voice. Why sometimes all I wanted to do was hold his hand & be near him. I wanted to tell him he was the center of my world and that if he left, I wouldn't know how to carry on. But all those words died on the tip of my tongue, and my pride refused to revive them.

Upon entering my shared bedroom I see Youngjae sitting on his bed reading.

I roll my eyes at my own stupidity. We share a room. Why did I think I could escape him? As quietly as possible, I close the door and sit on my own bed. 

How can I continue like this? I'm usually good at hiding my emotions, at getting over people. Why can't I throw this thing I feel for Youngjae away as easily as he threw his away? How do I get rid of it?

"What are you thinking about?"

My head jerks up and our eyes meet. I frown. How could he do it? How could he throw us away so easily?

"Nothing", I snap at him. 

Everything. I think to myself as I pull back my covers and turn to face the wall next to my bed.

"Well if thinking about nothing causes you to stare at the floor for ten minutes, I'm glad my brain is always on the go." He laughs and I feel my heart constrict. I wish I could get away from him. From this feeling.

Youngjae's voice changes from cheerful to demanding, "When are you going to stop giving me the cold shoulder? Why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you."

"Right, I can tell by the way you're treating me right now. Why are you so self centered? No one should need THIS much attention, Daehyun!"

I really don't want to do this right now. I just want to get away from him. 

"Not now Youngjae.. I just want to rest." I close my eyes in an attempt to block him out.

He scoffs "Well look at this!"

I hear him get up and cross the short distance between our beds.

"Jung Daehyun doesn't want to argue! How shocking is that! Too bad it doesn't matter. I want to argue, I want to know what your problem is!"

"Stop it Youngjae." I whisper, tears threaten to break loose from my closed eyes and I try my hardest not to sniffle.

"Tell me what's wrong." His voice is low and stern and I almost give into him.

I take a deep and shaky breath, "I just really need to be alone right now. Please just stop."

"Daehyun... Are you okay?" Youngjae sits on the edge of my bed and his hand is on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry Daehyun, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry for anything I've done, don't cry okay." 

I nod my head even though tears have burst forward & fall onto my pillow even though my eyes are shut. 

"Can we be best friends again?"

Another deep breath and I'm replying "Yeah."

I hate being so weak. 

"I'm glad." 

He gets up, turns off the lights and slips under his bed sheets.

I'll try my hardest. 
We'll be best friends, like before.

But I know, no matter how hard I try, things will never be the same.