Him or Her?

A fog went out of my mouth as I took a deep sigh and walked down the street filled with festive lights. I was walking passively, not minding the people around me. Painful things are flooding inside my head; but I chose to ignore it. I just continued walking, without even knowing where to go. I walked, and walked; not noticing my surrounding. A loud honk surprised me as I realize that I was already in the middle of the road. I looked at the annoyed face of the ajussi inside the car which the loud noise came from. I didn't apologize. Instead, I ignored him and just continued walking. I heard him rant but I was so busy minding my own business to even bother listening to him. I continued my path, not knowing where this path may lead me. I halted as I notice a single flake of snow fall down. I looked at it as it land on the ground and started melting. Poor little creature, why would it still go down here on earth when it's just suppose to melt and die here. Why not stay there above and live? I stared at it for a couple of minutes as I try to figure the answers for my questions. But soon, I started to shiver. The night was so cold so I ran for shelter to the nearest place I could go. I stopped at a big building with a wide area. It has thick walls and roof, with bright lights. This place was where people would gather and sing songs of praises. This place was where we can see sculptures of the prophets and the saints. Pretending to hold a bouquet of flowers, I marched down the long aisle. I imagined the day where both of our hearts would beat as one. I saw him there, standing and waiting for me at the altar. I walked and walked. But my pacing gradually became slower. Soon I was out breath and I felt myself laying on a hard thing.

I opened my eyes and saw him there; watching me as I sleep. I was sleeping on one of the benches inside the church. I looked at him with confused eyes, "What?" I asked.

"You fell asleep here again, Soo!" he answered.

"Well I'm sorry. I wouldn't sleep here if I didn't wait for someone for like, 3 hours!" I yelled.

"Ssh, the priests might hear you," he said as he put his right index finger on my lip. "Okay, I'm sorry. I thought we'll finish our practice early but I was wrong."

I didn't answer him. I just rolled my eyes, pretending to watch the nice paintings on the windows of the church.

"Soo! I'm sorry," he said.

I pretended to hear nothing.

"If you still don't talk to me, I'm gonna do what you hate most!" he threatened me with a smirk on his face.

Oh I just hate this guy! He knows me too well to even know my weaknesses. Soon, he tickled me at my tummy but I tried not to laugh. Then he tickled me on the neck; I tried really hard not to laugh this time. But then he touched the place where it tickles the most! He tickled my ear and I suddenly laugh loudly !

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Stop it! HAHAHAHAHA!" I struggled to say.

"Do you forgive me now?" he asked.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm,"

He tickled my ears again and I burst out laughing.

"O-okay, okay! I forgive you," I said as he stopped tickling me.

He patted my head and messed my long chestnut brown hair.

"Yah! Stop it!" I screamed!

Suddenly, we heard a voice call out.

"Who's there? No shouting here please."

Both of us went under the bench and hid ourselves there. We heard the footsteps of the man with the voice. The guy beside me covered my mouth and told me not to talk. I followed his command and remained quiet. He gently held my hands as he crawl and went towards the secret door of the church. He silently creeped towards the door, holding my hand tightly. He kept looking back and forth to the his way and to me. I felt myself blush. He's been holding my hand for almost all my life already, but I would still feel butterflies in my stomach whenever he does sweet things to me. He's been my best friend for 12 years already; and I've been hiding my feelings for him for 8 years now. For the past years, I've always been dreaming of him as my husband. I've been praying; praying that the games we used to play when we were still young where we act as couples on a wedding would come true. He would play as the groom, while I'm the bride. He'll be the prince and I'll be the princess. Then we'll have a perfect love story! Though I'm still not sure if the feelings are mutual, I could feel that he loves me too. For now, I'll just play as the perfect best friend he'd ever have.

"OW!" I suddenly came into my right senses when Siwon suddenly tightened his grip on my hand. I looked at him stare at me as if he sees something weird on my face.

"What?" I yelled.

"Hmm, nothing. I just find you cute when you're daydreaming. Hahaha!" Siwon laughed at my confused face.

"Eh?" was the only word I uttered as I felt my face heating.

"You were so cute. Your eyes look like this," he said as he widen his two eyes that it looks likeit will pop out of his eyes.

I slapped him on his shoulder. "Pabo! Come on! The priests might catch us." I held on tightly on his hands. Soon, he dragged me to this little door at the back of the church where a stairs can be seen. We went up the stairs and arrived at a dark place. The place was so silent. I looked around and saw a big dark bell hanging at the center. I walked toward it and tried to touch it. I raised my arm and reached for the rusted bell.

"Hey! Don't touch that!" Siwon shouted at me. I quickly swung arms back and looked at him innocently. He looked at me with a smile on his face as he slowly walk towards me. I was shocked by his sudden gesture. I walked backwards; not even knowing what's at the back.

"Ya! What are you doing?!" I screamed as I quickly slam my feet backwards. He just continued moving forward. While I take a step backward, I didn't notice that a rope that holds the bell was laying on the floor. My left foot was wrapped into it and I slammed myself to the ground. "Ow!" I winced. I lay there at the floor with my back at the ground. I tried to stand up but I can't move my feet. Siwon held his right hand to me. I looked at it and grabbed it. He tightened his grip and helped me to stand up but I pulled him back so that he would fall to the ground. A strong sound was heard; there Siwon was. Lying on the floor beside me.

"Hahaha! You deserve this," I looked at him and stood up. I felt a sharp pain on my left foot but I ignored it. I looked at Siwon who was laying on the ground.

"Oh really?" Siwon said and smirked. He grabbed my tired hand and pulled me to him. His strong pull made me fall to the ground lay there beside him. Our eyes met, our faces inch to inch. He smiled and carressed my cheek. I felt my face turned to bright red. I could my blood filling my face.

"Siwon! What are you doing?" I asked in a very low voice.

"Nothing. I just want to stare at your beautiful face for a moment," he said which made me blush even more.

"We're gonna graduate in a few months, Soo. What are your plans?"

"Uhh, I still don't know. I think I'm just gonna go to college and be a painter. You?"

" Well, you already know what I'll do after high school, right?" Siwon answered softly.

"I know," I said with an obvious tone of pain. I knew that we would never be together. Fate would not really let us be with each other. He already warned me since we were young. He had to pursue this dream. It's not actually his dream, but his father's. He had to follow this dream even though he doesn't like it.

"I won't leave you Soo. I promise," he said as he pinched my cheek and pulled me into a hug. A wide smile formed in my face as I was enjoying this moment. After a few seconds, I fell asleep, with the man I love the most beside me.

Weeks past and Siwon and I would still go to school together. We would eat and pig out with each other and walk home together. We still continued to be best friends. Same old routine.

One day, I was alone at the rooftop of our school. It was the only peaceful place in this school, I must say. I closed my eyes as I breathe the cold breeze of the wind. I tried to remember all the memories I had with Siwon. Since the first time we met when our family moved into the neighborhood, those times we went to elementary together, the time when someone asked me for a date and Siwon got mad, up to now, where both of us are already graduating from high school; ready to pursue and follow the desires of our hearts. I opened my eyes when someone covered my eyes. I knew very well who owns those big hands.

"Siwon!" I screamed; not looking back. He let go of his hands and hugged my waist and rested his chin on my right shoulder. I was shocked by his sudden intimate gesture. I just sat there, unable to speak any word. Can I please pause the time? Can we stay like this forever? I know that I don't have the right to wish that he would just stay here with me forever.

"Soo," he said very softly that I barely even heard him.

I didn't answer. I just remained silent.

"I am sorry," he whispered. I already know what those words meant. It will be the end of everything between us.

"I don't want to, but I have to. My dad is the only family I have. I have to follow him." He explained.

I remained silent, but deep inside, words are flooding! Ahh! SO YOU'RE CHOOSING YOUR FATHER OVER ME! I thought. But I know I don’t have the right to say those words. Who am I? I’m just a best friend, he is his father.

I turned around and looked at him. Trying to stop my tears, I spoke in a very gentle way. “Why? Do you really have to be a priest? Can’t you serve God and love me at the same time?”

“You know the rules, Soo. Priests can never be in love.”

“So you’re just giving it up? Our 12 years of friendship!”

“I didn’t say that I’ll stop being friends with you. I just want you to stay away from me for a while. In this way, we can learn how to live without each other.”

“Are you really numb? Can’t you see? We’re in love with each other! How can we live without each other by our side!” I yelled at him while tears are rolling down my cheek.

“That’s why I’m asking you to try staying away! Please! It’s for the both of us.”

“You really want to end this, huh? Okay! Let’s just end it here!” I slapped his face and ran away. I heard him call me but I didn’t look back. This is just so painful. How can things become like this! I went home crying. That pabo! Liar! He said he wouldn’t leave me! I got all our pictures together and tear it. I don’t want to see that liar’s face anymore! Just let him be there with the priests!

It has been weeks since Siwon and I last talked. He would call me, but I chose to ignore his calls. I decided to keep my distance from him. He’s right. It’s better like this; so that I could learn how to live independently; not needing to see him everyday. It’s better safe than sorry. My heart is already shattered into pieces. I don’t want to add insult to the injury. I’m sorry Siwon, but it’s for the better.

One night as I arrive home, I saw a letter on my study table. I asked mom where it came from, she said she saw it outside the house. With trembling hands, I opened it; and read the letter

Sooyoung,

Do you know the date today? It’s December 24. Let’s meet each other tomorrow at the church at 7pm. I have something important to tell you. I am sorry for being such a pabo. Please forgive me.

I'll be waiting. Saranghae~

Siwon

I closed the letter and went to bed. I decided to ignore it and just sleep for now. I'm so tired already. I need rest.

December 25 came and people were celebrating. Loud cheers were everywhere. Umma has cooked a dinner for us. While eating dinner, I can’t stop thinking of Siwon. What if he is there? What if he’s waiting outside the cold? Aish! That pabo! I looked at my wristwatch and saw that it’s still 6pm. I still have one hour to go. I stood up and excused myself. I ran outside and called a cab.

“At the city church, please!” I screamed at the ajussi.

Wait for me, Siwon! Don’t you dare go and leave me! I thought.

Soon, we were caught in a traffic. Ugh! Why? Why? Why?

“I’ll just get out here, ajussi. Thank you!” I said as I hand my fare to him. I went out of the taxi and ran as fast as I could to the church. I was gasping for breath, but I don’t care. I just need to see him! I wouldn’t want a Christmas without him. I ran and ran until I arrived at the meeting place. There, I saw him; soaked to the bone, and shivering in the cold.

“Yah Pabo!” I shouted as I wave my hands at him while running.

His face suddenly changed from gloomy into a bright and cheerful expression. He smiled his sweetest smile at me and hugged me.

“Si-si-won, ca-can-can’t breathe,” I struggled to breathe.

He loosened up a bit but he didn’t let go of me.

“I’m sorry. I just thought that you wouldn’t come.” Siwon said.

“Of course I’ll come. You know I can’t say no when it’s you.” I answered in the most sincere voice.

He let go of me and messed my hair. He pinched my cheeks and just stared at me. For how many minutes, we just stood outside the church, staring at each other. Not even caring about the people passing by and looking at us.

I broke the silence by asking him, “So why did you let me come here?”

He was caught off guard. “I have something to say.”

A frown formed on my face. I think I already have an idea of what will happen. He held my right arm and placed it on his left chest. “Can you feel this? Can you feel the beating of my heart? This heart has always been beating for you. Always remember that.” He continued, “But I’m afraid that it has to stop beating for you. It has to beat for Someone else. I am sorry, Soo.” I quickly swung my arm away from his chest. I couldn’t bear this any longer. Tears are now rolling down my cheeks.

“My father and I already had an agreement. I will enter the seminary. I would join the retreat this January. So I have to drop from school. It will be my last Christmas with you, my love,” he wiped the tears that are flowing nonstop from my puffy eyes. He continued, “Please close your eyes.” I don’t know why he’s telling me this but I just followed what he said. I closed my eyes just like he said. “

"You will always be in my heart, Soo," he paused. "I'm sorry for not thinking about your feelings. But I have to do this for my father. Please find someone that will make you happy. Happier than I did." I could feel the pain in the last sentence. Then it became quiet. Still closing my two eyes, I felt a pair of hands wrapped in my waist. I felt a tight hug from him. I hug tighter. Neither of us wanted to let go. We just stayed like that for a couple of minutes, until he whispered something to me. Those 3 words. The 3 sweetest and most painful words I could ever hear. Soon I felt him unwrap his arms from me. I didn't want to let go, but he also unwrapped my arms that are locked on his waist. He told me to open my eyes after 5 minutes. I stood there, waiting for 5 minutes. After the time was done, I peeked and found no one at my front. He had left me. That pabo!

"Si-si-won? Where are you? You said you'll never leave me! You don't remember your promise?" I screamed; not minding the people staring at me. "SIWON! Ya! Ya! Paboya! Where are you! Don't leave me!" I yelled while tears are flowing. I sat down at the ground crying. "Si-won! Why do you have to leave? Siwon!" I cried and cried; I noticed a paper folded on the ground. I picked it up and read it.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i

go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you~

I cried much more. I couldn't take this anymore. I cried and cried until I felt dizzy. Soon, everything went black! Tears are flowing from my eyes, beside me was the paper he left. And inside me, was all the memories he shared and left with me.

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Poem credits to:

E.E s