I shut my hurting eyes and run for you 
Just please don’t leave me 
Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you 
Tick tock tick tock everything will come true 
Vixx – Voodoo Doll

Church.

The high ceilings and the hard pews had always intimidated Jiho as a child. It still does. He doesn’t really like being in church, if he is honest, even if it’s a sin. He likes being close to God, likes feeling His influence, but the extravagant surroundings just seem like a way to take the congregation away from God.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been three months since my last confession. This is my sin.”

He hesitates, squeezing his fingers together. “I… I had with someone. Someone I shouldn’t have. Outside of marriage. A man. I had with a man.”

Just saying it out loud is cathartic.

//

Taeil-hyung’s eyes are soft as he sticks his head around the door. Jihoon knows he is being sympathetic, and he knows he should appreciate it, but instead it makes him frown and wish Taeil would just go away. The others have been tiptoeing around the two for months. Jihoon was sick of it.

“Are you coming to the shoot?” He asks.

Jihoon knows this is special. It’s Taeil’s solo debut, and he is inviting Jihoon to the music video shoot as a treat, to try and make him feel better. He still hates the kindness that he doesn’t deserve, so he turns on his side, facing the wall.

Taeil sighs, and Jihoon hears the frustration in that one noise. “You need to leave the dorm sometime. Come on, Jihoon, it will be fun! The actress is really pretty.”

Jihoon says nothing, just stares blankly at the wall, straight ahead; hoping Taeil will go away, leave him alone.

He does.

//

“I’ve had enough. Everyone is sick of both of you moping around like someone has pissed in your cereal. Jihoon won’t get out of bed, and you spend all your time here. It’s exhausting!”

Jiho is staring at his computer screen in an effort to block out Taeil’s ranting. He knew as soon as Taeil had let himself into the studio with his key that he was in trouble.

“Answer me, Jiho! Don’t just ignore me. I can’t deal with both of you ignoring me. I don’t know what happened between you two, but for ’s sake, you need to fix it!”

Jiho turns at that, surprised at Taeil swearing – he rarely does. “You don’t know what happened. You don’t know what I did,” he mutters darkly.

Taeil shakes his head, mouth set in a line. “I don’t want to know. But you two need to talk.”

“Why?” Jiho asks, his eyes narrowed.

“Because both of you are tearing this group apart, god damn it.”

//

The knock comes at his door, hesitantly.

Jihoon is sitting cross-legged on the bed, browsing the internet in search of something to do. It’s 4 am, but like always, he can’t sleep.

“Come in.” He calls, expecting it to be Taeil again, steeling himself for a lecture.

But the door swings open and Jiho is there, and this is the closest they have been for months and it’s sad that as much as he hates Jiho for running away, his heart begins to race and he his lips nervously.

From the looks of it, Jiho is just as nervous as well, as he shifts his weight from foot to foot. “Jihoon – I – ”

Jihoon waits, to see if there is an end to that sentence, but before he can say anything Jiho whirls, and is gone, almost as if he was never there at all.

//

This time, they meet in the hallway. Jiho is heading back from the bathroom, toothbrush in hand, and Jihoon is headed to the kitchen. Bleary-eyed, Jihoon doesn’t see the shape of their leader in front of him, and smacks right into him.

Jiho is so close that even in the darkness Jihoon can see his eyelashes, his eyes wide and unblinking, can see Jiho his lips and lean in. Before Jihoon even really knows what he is doing, he is being forced back against the wall, Jiho’s lips on his, tongues furiously mashing together. Jiho’s hands are running down Jihoon’s chest, pausing at Jihoon’s pyjama pants before diving beneath. The feel of Jiho there is too much, and Jihoon lets out a breathy moan into Jiho’s mouth.

“ – Jihoon – let me – ”

“Jiho – I – please – ”

They whisper to each other, not caring that they are in the hallway still, not even remembering that their bandmates are sleeping around them, until Minhyuk’s door opens.

Looking back now, Jihoon thinks it is easy to blame Minhyuk. If his door hadn’t opened, he wouldn’t have grabbed Jiho’s hand, dragged him into the bedroom and dropped to his knees. If the light hadn’t spilled out into the hallway, Jihoon wouldn’t be exploring every inch of Jiho, kissing all his tattoos and feeling the other man move inside him.

But he did, and so he is, and as he gives himself over to the sensations, feels a shudder run through his body, he tries his best to ignore the tears running down his face, ignore the way his heart hurts as Jiho uses him.

//

When he wakes, rolls over and reaches for Jiho, he is gone again.

Jihoon sighs, holding the sheets to his face, trying to get any last little trace of Jiho from them. He can’t believe he was stupid enough to let Jiho in, let Jiho have him, again.

//

Jiho hasn’t slept.

The scenes from the night before are running through his head. Jihoon, on his knees looking up at Jiho. Jihoon, touching his lips to Jiho’s tattoo. Jihoon, rolling Jiho over and biting him on the neck.

Jihoon, whispering, “I love you, please don’t leave me,” as Jiho ed him.

He turns his head into his pillow, cries and cries as he remembers what he has done.

//

Jihoon sighs, a soul-wrenching sound that comes from deep inside him.

He has decided. It is his destiny, it seems, to reach for Jiho. And, equally, it is Jiho’s destiny to run away.