XVI

Two minutes past eleven.

Donghae's gaze was glued to the alarm clock's bright red letters that were the only thing he was able to see in the dark bedroom. His eyes had started hurting some time ago, the red hurt, but he only blinked and kept staring at it like this would make time pass faster.

He knew that it wasn’t late yet and he also knew that the others, including Eunhyuk, wouldn’t be home soon. He knew that because he knew that their schedules were never finished fast and therefore it didn’t make him wonder that the dorm was still deadly quiet. Donghae wished however that they would finish sooner and that he soon would hear the main door falling shut, that Eunhyuk would come into this room to snuggle up to him, kiss him maybe and reassure him that he still wanted to be with him, no matter how much he doubted. Yes, this really was what Donghae wished for – but deep inside he already knew that it most likely wouldn’t happen like that.

Eunhyuk was so scared.            
He had done so much already to make him lose this fear, but no matter what he did: it never seemed to work. Until some hours ago Donghae had thought that they had been so close that the decision the other had to make, the decision between him and Soojin, had been in reach. Now he thought that it was pushed so far away again that the raven head wouldn’t be able to reach it, no matter how high he jumped.

But what else could Donghae do to help him? What else apart from loving him and showing him how much he did? He knew that this decision wasn’t easy to make and it most likely was even harder than he imagined it to be. Donghae had never been in the same situation and he had had more time to get used to all of this. Discovering that he had feelings for Eunhyuk and accepting this – that had happened years ago. Back then it had been a hard process and now he was proud that he had finished it; he was even prouder that he had a result.

Yes, he was in love with a man. Yes, it was his best friend. And yes, if someone would ask him what label was fitting for him, then he now thought that he was strong enough to say that he was gay. He didn’t find women interesting, he couldn’t deal with them, no matter in which way. Donghae had always been more comfortable with men around him and he had accepted the fact that he wouldn’t spend his life with a girl because he couldn’t do it. He had tried dating girls a couple of times; it had never lasted long and in the end his attention had always been back with Eunhyuk. Thinking about a man in the position that a woman would usually have in his life had been strange at first; it wasn’t hard to admit that. But it wasn’t like this anymore. Donghae had had years to think about all of this – but Eunhyuk hadn't.

Maybe it all had happened too quickly. Donghae had confessed to him at a time when Eunhyuk hadn't been aware of his feelings for him yet. They maybe had been there for a long time already, but with his confession he had ultimately called them out. And those feelings were mighty, they had swept Eunhyuk off his feet and they scared him, so much that he had to hide. Now he was slowly leaving his hideaway, Donghae pulled him out of it ever so slowly. The smallest doubt was able to drag him back in however.

He had to keep trying it, Donghae had to keep pulling Eunhyuk out of all those worries, doubts and fear. And he had to do it carefully so he wouldn’t scare him even more. That had been the mistake he had made some hours ago; he had made Eunhyuk trust him and this trust had been very hard for Eunhyuk to give to him. He had asked him too much; Eunhyuk wasn’t ready to do more or to do it again when giving in to what they had done in the shower had already been so hard for him. Donghae had to be more careful and he had to be even more understanding.

The brunet rubbed his eyes as they dared to flutter shut again and blinked a couple of times afterwards. Donghae was so tired that he had to watch out to not fall asleep sitting on the bed and his back resting against the wall behind him hurt, but he tried his best to fight against the urge to finally lie down and rest a bit. Eunhyuk had been right; their schedules were more than tiring at the moment and his body yearned for every minute of sleep he could get. Donghae couldn’t go to sleep however, he had to wait. He was afraid of waking up alone and wanted to see Eunhyuk coming come, back to him. Maybe that way he was able to make the fear go away that Eunhyuk would leave him again.

Donghae sniffed quietly and wanted to slap himself right afterwards.           
No, he wouldn’t start crying over this now. Nothing was settled yet, the shooting wasn’t finished and Eunhyuk would come home with the other members; he wouldn’t avoid him because of the things they had done in the shower. Eunhyuk wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that because he was aware of his feelings for Donghae now and because their previous kisses hadn't made him back away either. Everything was fine and he was worrying for nothing. Eunhyuk had said that he would come back, so why did he doubt this? He had always trusted him, now wasn’t the time to stop doing that.

With a shaky sigh Donghae let his gaze drop and stared down into the darkness where he could barely make out his lap. His fingertips brushed along his knee and up his thigh after some time and his heart grew heavy as he became aware that those were the movements that had made Eunhyuk back away not that long ago.     
Maybe he shouldn’t touch him like this again. Maybe he should wait for Eunhyuk to start doing it on his own, that way he couldn’t take him off guard again. What he had to do for sure was to watch out more. Eunhyuk was still so easy to scare – and the last thing he wanted was to scare him away.

The vibration alarm of a phone that loudly echoed through the room made him flinch.          
He looked up into the darkness and tried to make out the source of the sound; it couldn’t be his own phone because he knew that it was still in the pocket of his jeans. And with knowledge about how weak his battery had been the last time he had looked at it, he was sure that his phone had died hours ago. Apart from that the sound had been loud, just like it was lying on a hard surface, and it had been close.

Donghae's gaze travelled back to the alarm clock and as he saw the shadow of a device lying pretty close to it, he knew where the sound had been coming from: it was Eunhyuk's phone. The raven head had forgotten to take it with him after placing it there and now it seemed like he had received a text message.              
Donghae stared at the device for a moment longer and thought that he had to ignore it because whatever it was surely could wait until Eunhyuk would come back. He also thought that it was none of his business and that he had no right to read what was going on. But as the phone buzzed a second and third time, this decision started faltering. What if it was something important or urgent?

He hesitantly reached his hand out for the phone, grabbed it and leaned back against the wall again. For a moment he tried to fight his curiousness, but then he unlocked the screen. His stomach dropped as soon as he saw the sender.

Soojin. This had to be Soojin.

Donghae's heart started racing in his chest.          
He couldn’t open the message, right? This was a private thing between her and Eunhyuk and he wasn’t allowed to read it. If it would be the other way around, he wouldn’t want Eunhyuk to read his text messages either – but then again: there were no secrets the raven head didn’t know about because he trusted him blindly. Eunhyuk could read all messages on his phone, could see all pictures and he wouldn’t find out something new. Apart from that Donghae wasn’t the one who hid behind a girlfriend he most likely didn’t even love.

He couldn’t tell what it was that made him do it, but a second later Donghae had opened the conversation with Soojin. His gaze slowly travelled over her words and with each letter his heart started thumping harder against his ribcage because he did something he wasn’t allowed to do.

Honey    11:22PM
Oppa, is the shooting finished already? I can't wait for you to come to me! ♥

Honey    11:24PM
I got a surprise for you. To celebrate that we can see each other again after such a long time…

Honey    11:27PM