cold and lost in desperation
Jongin/Kyungsoo
angst/slice of life, g. 1817 words.
Soundtrack: Iridescent by Linkin Park
Unbeta-ed. For @sootanism and @jacaxx, because this is probably the most cathartic piece of writing I've ever done.

 

Do Kyungsoo is late to work for what seems like the tenth time to him this month to him.

He hurriedly boards the usual 6003 bus, which takes him from his cozy apartment across Seoul National University, to his workplace at the STX Tower in Sindorim-dong. As he enters the bus, he notes that the bus is almost full with passengers, and he decides to take the empty seat next to a stranger some two rows down the aisle.

Kyungsoo pays no heed to his seatmate, as he focuses all his attention on his phone, frantically texting his superiors and colleagues at work to let them know that he'll be an hour late. He knows the constant alerts and buzzing of his mobile phone must be annoying the rest of the otherwise very quiet bus, because it's forty minutes past six in the morning, the bus is on its second trip for the day, and it's really way too early for anyone to be properly awake at this hour.

Do Kyungsoo has been living his mornings like this for the past four years. His weekday mornings are insignificant, hurried, and frenzied, because he tries to get to work on time without his boss, Wu Yifan, breathing fire down his neck and being on his case for being late again. His weekends aren't even better, because he spends his early Saturdays jogging through the university grounds, and his Sunday mornings visiting his mother in Bucheon.

The workaholic's very busy train of thought is halted when a warm, larger hand from his right side gently pries away his phone from his hands along with a deep, rumbling "Hello there" accompanying the action. He turns to the person to his right and prepares to scream profanities and accusations at whoever dared to interrupt his working routine, but stops just as immediately. Kyungsoo now knows why the voice is so hauntingly familiar, because just as he turns to look at the man beside him, his doe-shaped eyes meet a gaze he realizes they belong to someone he hasn't seen in almost five years.

He realizes that the beautiful pair of dark chocolate eyes he's staring back at belongs to Kim Jongin, his ex-best friend.

These eyes belong to Kim Jongin, the first and only man he's ever learned to love.

Jongin just lets out a laugh at the stunned look on Kyungsoo's face, and hands the mobile phone back to its owner, who grabs the phone from his grasp and stuffs it into his pocket. "Long time no see, Kyungsoo. Looks like you're late for work again."

Kyungsoo doesn't want to break, no, he does not need to break in front of Jongin, and so he answers as sassily and as sarcastically as he can. "Excuse me, Mr. Kim," he argues, "I'm rarely late to work." Jongin chuckles in response and mumbles, "But you've been late twice in the past two months, Kyungsoo."

"Have you been stalking me?" Kyungsoo asks, incredulous. Jongin shakes his head, a little smile playing on his lips. "No. I take this route to work around this time as well, but I just wanted to ride this bus one last time today."

At Jongin's words, Kyungsoo is suddenly acutely aware of the two pieces of sizeable luggage that Jongin has along with him. It frightens Kyungsoo, because it reminds him of the time Jongin left Kyungsoo alone at Seoul National University for a year to study at Harvard University in Massachusetts.

"You're leaving again." It's not a question, Kyungsoo knows, and he realizes it's more of a statement.

Jongin only nods in reply. "I'm leaving for the US again. The company wants me to handle operations in California." At that moment, Kyungsoo breaks, because he realizes he can't stay strong in front of Jongin any longer. He buries his head in his palms to muffle the fresh sobs coming from him, but he fails, because they're loud enough for Jongin to hear.

Kyungsoo does not notice Jongin setting down his backpack on his lap, but he feels Jongin snaking around an arm around his waist and pulling him closer. Kyungsoo does not care now about the stares they may be getting in the bus, because all he wants to do is to savor the feeling of being in Jongin's arms after so long. He knows he should be pushing Jongin away, but he doesn't have the energy nor the heart to do so, so he lets Jongin hold him through his shallow breaths and strangled sobs.

Jongin slowly runs his fingers through Kyungsoo's soft auburn red hair comfortingly, and murmurs words Kyungsoo never really wanted to hear. "Didn't we promise each other we'd leave for the US together?"

"Please, Jongin, no," Kyungsoo pleads weakly in between sobs that seem to have quieted down. "We made those promises when we were in first year, when we were young and stupid, and I was hopelessly in love with you."

Jongin's hand freezes for a moment before he continues threading his hand through Kyungsoo's hair, and Kyungsoo takes this as his sign to continue on. "I'm still in love with you, Jongin," Kyungsoo continues on, his voice gaining strength as he gains more courage to let out the words that have been left unsaid for too long. "I still love you despite the fact that you just suddenly left my life after I confessed my feelings for you. And to be quite honest, even I still wonder why I could still find it in my heart to forgive you for leaving me just like that."

Jongin is silent, and Kyungsoo stares at him, his eyes pleading Jongin for a response. He is rewarded with a sigh and a murmured answer. "I'm sorry," Jongin pulls Kyungsoo closer to place a kiss on his head and whispers into his hair. "I guess I'm breaking your heart by leaving again today."

Kyungsoo lets out a bitter laugh. "I wonder why I even let you do this to me, Jongin. I wonder why I let you hold my heart even though I know you'll just throw it away every time."

"Believe me, Kyungsoo," Jongin breathes, his grip on Kyungsoo's waist tightening. "I've always wanted to make things right with you, since the day I first saw you on this bus. But I guess I was too much of a coward because I saw you were happy, and I thought you were better off without me."

"How long, Jongin?" Kyungsoo asks quietly. "How long have you been taking this route?"

Kyungsoo can feel Jongin's lips curl into a smile in his hair, and he listens intently to Jongin's response. "Two years. I actually work in the building across STX Tower. I don't know how long you've been taking this route, but I only noticed you taking this bus last year."

Kyungsoo felt as if he wanted to scream at Jongin, because Jongin actually wasted a year and let it go by without doing anything, but Kyungsoo realized Jongin was right. He didn't know how his own heart would take it if Jongin took the initiative and slowly eased himself back into his life. Kyungsoo felt he was happier when he didn't have Jongin in his life, but it also just took one chance meeting to break all the walls of ice he'd set up around him.

They sat there, with Kyungsoo in Jongin's arms, not saying anything more for the rest of the ride, until they both had to disembark at the STX Tower.

Kyungsoo stood by the bus door, waiting for Jongin to bring down his luggage. He was already very late for work, so he thinks a couple of minutes more with Jongin wouldn't hurt. When Jongin is finally standing next to Kyungsoo and the bus has long gone on its way to its next destination, Jongin turns to Kyungsoo.

"Shouldn't you be going in for work?" Jongin asks. Kyungsoo shakes his head and smiles, and Jongin knows he'll miss that beautiful smile dearly. "I called in and said I'll be late. It's okay."

Kyungsoo's tears had long since dried, but his heart still ached. He knew he and Jongin never had a chance, and he needed to push Jongin away and send him on his way to his new future.

"Go," Kyungsoo mumbled to him. "Go and live our dream for both of us."

"But what about you?" Jongin asks, taking Kyungsoo's smaller hands into his own.

"I'll find my new dream someday, don't worry. There was never an us, Jongin, and we were stupid enough to promise each other we'd get there together."

By the incredulous look on Jongin's face, Kyungsoo knows Jongin is about to argue, so he stops him with a tighter grip on Jongin's hands. "No, Jongin. America has always been your dream, one that you shared with me and I ended up envisioning it together with you. Please don't let me take you away from it, not when you're finally happy to have attained it."

Kyungsoo slowly pried his hands away from Jongin's grasp, and reached up to caress Jongin's cheeks. "I love you, but it's time for us to let go and move on."

Kyungsoo finds he cannot will himself to cry anymore because he's used up all his tears in the bus. Instead, Jongin is the one crying for them, and Kyungsoo can only wipe away his tears.

"We never had a love story together," Kyungsoo whispers. "But I felt back then how much you cared for me. That was enough." Fresh tears are streaking down Jongin's cheeks, and Jongin does not care, because he knows he has Kyungsoo to wipe them away.

"Whatever hurt you have in your heart, please let it go. I've forgiven you a long time ago, Jongin, and I want us both to be happy."

At that moment, Kyungsoo thinks Jongin understood the meaning behind his words, because Jongin gently pried Kyungsoo's hands away from his cheeks. Jongin presses reassuring kisses to the back of Kyungsoo's hands, before bending down to kiss Kyungsoo's cheek for the first and the last time, and turning around to flag down a taxi to Gimpo Airport.

As the taxi speeds away, gradually moving out of sight, Kyungsoo wonders if he made the right decision. He turns to walk in to his company building, when his phone suddenly rings, alerting him to a new message.

It was a Kakao Talk message from a name Kyungsoo has never seen on his Kakao Talk in several years, and his lips curve into a genuine smile.

Thank you, Soo. Take care. I hope we're both happier the next time we meet again. Thank you for giving me the chance to say my goodbyes to you, even though I never said it.

Kyungsoo hurriedly types a response and includes an emoticon, something he hasn't done in quite a while.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: ok ok I know this is quite short and it has an open yet bittersweet ending, but that's exactly how this story ends, and I wouldn't have it any other way. This was entirely from a dream I had earlier in the day, and I guess it fueled enough emotions for me to turn this into fanfiction, and use it as my catharsis. :) Tell me what you think! Comments, subscribes and upvotes are gladly and highly appreciated! ♥ Feel free to talk with me on twitter as well. :) @timelessnotes