All in my head

I see you with her and it crushes me inside.

This searing pain that I’m feeling.  Where do I even start to heal the broken pieces of my shattered heart? 

As I hear you call her your dearest, a part of me dies a little inside.  

Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I’ve been blind to reality.

Was I wrong to think that we may have had something more than friends?  I remember earlier this year, before 2NE1’s comeback, we had spent every waking hour together in the studio.  It felt just like it used to when we were both trainees.  We would be conversing late into the night about the things that we both love; music and fashion. Enjoying each other’s company. Even as we both travelled and were on different sides of the world, it never seemed like we were apart because we would always make time to call and talk to each other. 

When I got back from my trip, I went straight to rehearsal with the other girls for our long-awaited concert which was coming up soon. I could see that my members were getting exhausted with all the hard work that they had put into the rehearsal, so as the leader, I called a break for us. I should have known something was up when I ended up being the only one in the dance studio. A few moments after I realized I was alone, I got a text message from Dara unnie to meet up on the YG rooftop. I was a bit confused as to why, but I went anyways. As I made my way up the stairs, I saw nothing but darkness around me until I reached the rooftop. Christmas lights that were hung all around suddenly as I stepped foot into the terrace area.  

“Surprise! Happy birthday!” I heard everyone around me yelling. It had totally slipped my mind that it was my birthday so I was utterly shocked.

And there you were…Standing with your arms crossed over a large Rilakkuma bear with a deep blue ribbon tied on its head. I looked you in the eye and smiled, my eyes trying hard not to let the tears escape because I was so ecstatic that you were here with me.

You always were. 

I have always known that I have loved you and sometimes, I would think you felt the same for me too. But I figured because of our status and being in the same company, you were scared.

We both were.

But that didn’t mean that as I still secretly longed for you even when you got together with her.

She’s so pretty. You two look so great.

I wasn’t surprised when you chose her.  She was exactly your type.  Radiant beauty, nice full lips for you to kiss, and a great personality.  Everything you ever wanted in a girl. I tried to be happy for you, I really did.  But I couldn’t help the hurt that came along every time I saw the two of your together.

But I just can’t help but think that we could’ve had something.

I recognized that look you had in your eyes every time you looked at her.  It was the same one you gave me whenever you thought I didn’t see you stealing glances over at me.

Have I really been blind to reality?

But was it just me making it all up?

Every time you wanted to hang, you seem so interested. Would you tell me..Was it real or was it all in my head?

It was now April and after being on tour with 2NE1 for a month, it was great being back in Korea.  Because of the preparations for the YG Family concert, we ended up spending more time together again.  Just like it was before.

I still remember that fateful night when you and I were practicing our combined stage. You probably thought I didn’t notice all the extra brushes of my skin you gave me, but I did.  I always do.  Because it always sent a jolt of electricity all throughout my body. Only something that you were able to do.

As we struck our final pose with my back facing your body, both our heads turned towards each other. The close proximity made me nervous. I felt the butterflies in my stomach ready to take off as you inched your lips closer to mine.

And then your phone rang, snapping both of us out of our trance. I watched as you walked over to the wooden bench lined against the wall and hesitated to pick up the phone when you saw who it was.

“H-hey honey,” you managed to stutter out. It was her. I can’t help but wonder why you couldn’t speak right. Did you feel guilty that you almost betrayed her or that you were betraying what was really in heart? Who was really in your heart.

Was it real or was it all in my head?

After my own realization that it may have all just been my own thinking, I silently gathered my things as you laughed heartily into the phone with her. I glanced back at you one last time before I decided to leave. But when you saw me leaving, you turned towards me…was that a hint of sadness I saw as we caught each other’s eyes?

Was it real or was it fa