The music blasted across the room, Travis Garland's Let Me Know reverberating even through the tightly locked door as Jongin danced to its beat. He has been playing this song since morning, mastering his steps to its minute and a half cut. It's now close to midnight yet he's still stuck in the box-like room, surrounded by mirrors and drowning to the song's melody. 

He mimics holding a phone during one part, all the while observing his movements through his reflection, monitoring his every move and making sure nothing's out of place, considering the minutest of details such as the flick of his fingers. He's been dancing to this song for so long now that he thinks he can do it with his eyes closed yet he still struggles to spot any flaw he might have. After doing two more rounds, he settled on a corner and leaned on the wall. Reaching out tiredly for his bottle of water, feeling the stretch of his muscles, he closes his eyes as he takes three consecutive gulps as he tries to bury all that happened early this morning: the news he received, the joyous tone of his best friend's voice from his phone speaker, the word "debuting" echoing in his mind non-stop. It's the creak of the opening door which distracts him from his thoughts as a familiar face peeks through it.

Giving a tight-lipped smile, he pats the spot beside him, motioning for the other boy to take a seat. The boy walks towards the speakers first, lowering the volume to almost zero then takes a seat beside Jongin, letting out a small sigh as he did so.

"Congratulations. I'm really happy for you," Jongin says with his head bowed a little, a small smile gracing his face. He's indeed happy for his friend. After all, they both have the same dreams they've been wanting to fulfill. All those months of being together thinking of those goals they yearn to achieve which are now nearer their grasp, well, more like his friend's. 

"I know. Thank you," Taemin breathes out, voice so soft as if not wanting any other person to hear. 

"How come you don't look so happy?" Jongin asks as he sends a bewildered look towards Taemin. He can still hear Taemin's voice when he answered his call earlier, excitement and wonder in his tone as he narrates what happened yesterday.

Taemin lets out as a sigh as he relays his doubts to his best friend "I am happy. It's just I realized that...it's just so sudden. I mean...I know I want to debut but I feel like...like I'm not ready for it at all, like I'm still far from being good enough to make the cut," Taemin then starts enumerating all his weaknesses. About how the only thing he's good at is dancing, about how his voice is still undergoing puberty and he can't even sing his lines well live especially compared to the other members of the group, about how he does not have any special talent to show off in variety shows or exciting past stories he can brag about and the list goes on. Jongin chooses to keep silent through it all, absorbing all his friend's anxieties and offers the sympathy and a listening ear which his friend obviously needs.

He does not understand completely what Taemin's going through. He doesn't because he thinks that if he was the one who was debuting, he would be stuck on cloud nine and be dreaming of performing on stages in different countries. Instead of thinking he's lacking, he'd be thinking how he managed to be chosen out of hundreds of trainees vying for that precious position. He doesn't understand but he listens. That's what gravitated them towards each other after all, that companionable silence they can offer each other whenever they train together. That ability to read each other's feelings without the use of too much words. That understanding they have for each other that never failed to comprehend the other's thoughts. That understanding, Jongin thinks, is what he's currently lacking because despite listening to his friend's woes, he grasps the thoughts yet he still can't see the bigger picture.

After a minute of silence, Taemin stands up then walks towards the music component, turning the iPod to its full volume, Let Me Know lyrics drowning the whole space and effectively shattering all the whispered confessions of insecurities he just shared. He then goes to Jongin, offers him a hand and a full smile, far from his forlorn expression a while ago and they both fall into their usual routine. Hours later, two bodies are sprawled along the training room's wooden floor, breath panting as they try to catch some air from nonstop dancing.

---

Jongin throws his bag at the corner after he switched the light on. He was then surprised to see a curled up body in a corner, where a small groan can be heard. He sees a groggy face with a slight dried drool in the corner of his mouth and some reddish marks which are probably results of sleeping on the floor. He lets out a small smile as he approaches the male and kneels to his level. 

"Sorry hyung to wake you up. I didn't know you were here," Jongin says as the male rubs his eyes with closed fist, eyes blinking continuously as it adjusts to the light.

"What time is it?" Joonmyun asks as he slowly tries to stand up, still a little bit off balanced due to his uncomfortable sleeping position.

"It's 6," Jongin answers, walking to his bag to fish out his iPod. He selects his "cuts" playlist then plugs it to the speakers and y Back floods the room at once. He looks at Joonmyun who is now more awake than earlier because of the fast-beat song. 

"Oh, I didn't realize I spent the whole night here," Joonmyun says as he gathers his things and hastily drops them into his backpack. He swears as he saw five messages, three from his mom and one from his dad and one from his brother, all asking whether he is spending the night at the SM building or coming home. He then pushes the green button, waving a hurried goodbye to Jongin, as he exits the room.

Jongin increases the volume then proceeds to dance. 

---

There were shuffles of feet as the door opens, revealing a slightly built and tall male whose eyes look tired and lost. 

"Ah, s-s-sorry," the male says in stuttered Korean as he gives Jongin a ninety-degree bow. He then closes the door. Jongin furrows his eyebrows as he takes in the appearance of the man. He never saw him before. Perhaps a new trainee? And with that accented and rusty Korean, he's most likely a foreigner. Jongin sighs. He shakes all unnecessary thoughts then proceeds at racking his brains to come up with new steps for the upcoming showcase.

Jongin sees the foreign male the next day as their Advanced Dance trainer gathers all 10 of them in the training room. Jongin eyes him, noting how he fidgets in his seat and how he grasps his own hands tightly that his knuckles are turning white. Jongin's attention goes back to the instructor as he demonstrates a new routine they have to master within the day. He focuses on every detail of the choreography and mentally notes that it's another one of those minute and a half mashes that they have to memorize. 

The instructor makes them stand up and starts teaching them each step. They get to showcase it on their own three hours of practice later, three sharp pairs of eyes observing them carefully, pinpointing the mistakes they commit and making some notes in those white papers which looked hastily attached to their black clipboards. Jongin is used to this though. Being able to be in this class means that you have more promising talent and potential than the others and therefore, trainers and producers naturally focuses on them more. Jongin's mind drifts as the other trainees danced however, his attention was grabbed by the foreign male. Jongin's actually surprised to see that the foreign male, whose name turned out to be Yixing, is actually a really good dancer; good control, unfluctuating energy level and constant in his emotions all throughout his routine. He just lacks in stage presence but Jongin knows he's already working on it as he sees Yixing's attempts at grabbing the people's attention.

Months passed and he got to know how Yixing's been a trainee for three months before that being-lost-in-the-building incident. He just have a knack for forgetting things especially when distracted with other thoughts. Even important things such as location of practice rooms within a building.

With the lost of his previous dancing partner, Jongin accepted Yixing into his not-so-big circle of companions because in their world where everyone even yourself is your rival, you just don't invest too much emotions (well maybe except for Taemin who remains to be his best friend up to date).

--


It's 2010 and Jongin gulps his sadness and bitterness as he watches fancams from SHINee's 1st Japan concert. He sees how fangirls are all screaming when Yixing introduces himself and how the SHINee members are saying that he's a hoobae that is soon to debut. 

He knows he should not feel this way. Many other trainees envy him because it does not take a genius to know that he's one of the shortlisted for SM's next big group. But somehow, he still feels jealous of how Yixing had exposure before him. He doesn't let all those talks of his sure debut go into his head. After all, nothing is sure unless he's already at a stage and a few seconds away from his first ever public performance as an idol.

However, as he continues to watch the videos from his phone, he thinks he's envious of the opportunity, not the person. He knows Yixing deserves it and to be honest, he knows that Yixing was chosen for that spot as he's been secretly practicing to every SHINee choreography that comes out. It would make more sense to choose someone who only needs a bit of polishing rather than someone who needs to be taught from scratch. He hears whispers from other trainees of how come Yixing was chosen when Jongin's better, of how SM's ace and "golden child" is Jongin that's why he's being kept hidden from the public eye and many more unnecessary comments that makes Jongin scoff in displeasure. "Things people say just to make themselves feel better when they know the truth all along," Jongin thinks as he shakes his head in annoyance.

He goes to the training room, plugs his ipod and stays there till the wee hours of the morning.

---

Three new additions were added to their advanced dancing class as 2010 draws closer to its half. One's Chinese named Luhan and the other two are named Sehun and Minseok.  

They're really good in Jongin's opinion. They have varying strengths and weaknesses. He knows he can learn a lot from watching them. Observing other people's dancing styles has been one of Jongin's ways in mastering his craft after all.

They're all familiar faces to Jongin. He has the same rap instructor as Sehun and Minseok and had seen Luhan in last year's trainee showcase.

He continues dancing as he watch Luhan fumble with his steps, left foot crossing with his right when it should be the other way around. Their instructor keeps his eyes on the Chinese male, pointing out his mistakes, stopping once in a while to demonstrate the right steps once again and giving advice on how to improve his weaknesses. They were dismissed an hour later.

Most of their co-trainees immediately grabbed their things and went straight home while Jongin just sits on the floor, staring aimlessly as he tries to catch his breath. It may be the weekend and they are, technically, allowed to already go home and enjoy, even just tonight, just like how other people his age do but he's too determined to work harder to even grant himself some fun time. Even during the weekends. He even sees holidays as his work-your--out days instead of vacation and rest time.

He sees in the corner of his eye how Sehun and Luhan are still there, each facing a different mirror as they try to ingrain the steps to their bodies. Jongin watches their movements and mentally notes the points of improvement. He opts to stay silent. He's never really been good at initiating conversations, not does he want to.

Luhan goes out 20 minutes later after being satisfied with three rounds of routine execution without any mistakes.

Jongin stands up, stretching his body to prepare for hours of dancing yet again. He grabs his towel to wipe his face off sweat then spares a glance at Sehun who was still memorizing the steps from earlier. He pats the iPod on his pocket, contemplating if he should just dance to the routine they were just taught or to start practice with the old ones he have mastered. He really finds peace in dancing to routines he have done a thousand times before delving into a new one. It makes him physically and mentally prepared. But then, he would have to ask Sehun if it's okay to do so. For courtesy purposes of course. They may be considered rivals in a way but Jongin does not resort to rudeness to get his way. 

He goes to Sehun and pats him lightly in his shoulders, startling the other male. Sehun turns around, shocked to see that there was still another person there. He was too focused on mastering the steps he didn't even notice that he's now alone. Well, almost. 

Jongin motions to his iPod then to the speaker then mouths "Is it okay?" to Sehun who nods after comprehending Jongin's signs.

Sehun settles himself on the small, black couch at one corner then digs his bag for his water bottle. He wipes his sweat-covered neck and face as he watches in wonder at Jongin's dancing. 

Sehun knows Jongin of course. Aside from being together in some training classes, he knows that Jongin's one of the more famous trainees because of his dancing skills. That, and the fact that he is friends with their SHINee sunbaenims and have filmed a CF with their DBSK sunbaenims.

To say that Sehun knows a lot about Jongin is not an exaggeration. Many trainees talk about him, whether positive or negative or just expressions of jealousy or amazement. He used to shrug those comments away but now he can see what the talk is all bout. Sure they have been spending time in this same dance class for some time but he's too wrapped up in his own world that he consciously ignores everything around him. This Jongin kid is really good at dancing. No question about that. Sehun doesn't notice that he was gaping at Jongin if Jongin did not stop the music.

Jongin gives him a questioning look as if asking him why is he staring. Sehun shakes his head to whir away his previous thoughts. "You're really good. Like real good." Sehun says as he offers a shy and awkward smile. He's not really the type to give out compliments especially to almost strangers but he knows he just can't leave Jongin's silent question hanging.

Jongin breaks out into a shy smile. "Thanks," he says as he starts selecting a new song.

"Uh, I'm Sehun by the way," Sehun introduces as he bows. Jongin turns to him, bows then says "I'm Kim Jongin, nice to meet you."

Both are thankful as the music dissipates the awkward atmosphere between them.

--

It's August 2010 and the trainees are buzzed with the rumors circulating about SM's newest plans for their next group. Some are saying that SM's starting to eye promising talents and this just fuelled the energy of everyone, doing their best in every class, rendering extra hours in practice rooms and trying their utmost to impress their instructors and to attract attention.

Jongin works harder than ever. It's been two years since Taemin had debuted and with the unstoppable popularity of SHINee, they manage to meet only once a month, twice at most. These meetings were usually spent behind closed doors of practice rooms, hanging out their usual way where they teach each other new and random moves and just having fun playing around.

During their dance class, their instructor groups them and instructs them to make a choreography for a one minute mix. Jongin's grouped with Luhan, Minseok, Yixing and Sehun.

Jongin and Sehun grew close for the past month. Being born in the same year, the same passion for dancing and the same drive to debut made them friends. And Jongin rarely considers anyone his friend. It's not that he does not want many friends. It's just that he values real friends more that's why he tends to be more picky. That, and the fact that not everyone in their world stays for a long time.

The five then occupies a space in the room as they start brainstorming for the theme they're going for. Everyone starts contributing to the conceptualization until one by one, steps are formed and counts of sixteen beats and one, two, three, fours are coming out steadily from their mouths. Yixing and Jongin leads them, falling naturally into their usual personality of being perfectionists. They count through their whole routine and pushes for multiple repetition for two continuous hours even when most of the trainees have gone home already. 

"We should practice more so we won't get lost tomorrow. The transitions are still not that smooth towards the end," Jongin suggests as he seeks the approval of the others. Minseok, however, apologizes and says that he has to go home early as it's his sister's birthday today. The others nod understandingly then continues practicing.

Two more hours later when everybody except the two youngest have left, Jongin's staring at his reflection in the mirror. He spares Sehun's curled body in the small couch a glance as he managed to sleep despite the booming music. "He must be really tired," Jongin thinks as he fetches his jacket from his bag, then drapes it on Sehun's torso. He turns down the volume of the music to bearable decibels then continues on perfecting the routine. Noting which steps he usually forgets or those he executes wrongly. He puts emotions to his every moves despite the lack of lyrics of the mix. His eyes flick to Sehun for a second as the male shifted a little.

Jongin pours his emotions: to his dream, to his dancing, to the thoughts of his family, of his friends, of his future.

--

Jongin tries so hard to contain the tears. This time, it's not tears of sadness, of uncertainty, of hopelessness. This time it's tears of joy. He's seated in one of the rarely used practice rooms as he stares dumbly in nothingness. He still can't believe it. 

It's February 2011 and Jongin went to SM, barely awake, though in full spirits. He feels good today for some unknown reason. He switches the lights on in the room, drops his bag carelessly which slides towards a corner then plugs his iPod. He's near finishing his stretch exercises when Yixing arrives and joins him. They do their usual dancing routines, dancing to songs they have memorized before through the months of being in the same class. Luhan arrives an hour later and joins them.

It's 5 PM when Jongin's told to go to the producers' meeting room immediately as there is an important announcement to be made. Jongin's heart starts thudding. This can only mean two things. It's his make or break day. Either they are telling him he has to give up his dreams or he had made it to the cut. Jongin really hopes it's the latter.

He opens the door and is a bit surprised to see a handful of trainees inside. He sees Sehun then trudges towards his direction, head slightly bowed as he avoids eye contact. He hears a whispered "Jongin" from his left then he smiles as he sees Yixing and Luhan smiling at him. He then roams his eye across the room and spots mostly familiar faces. He sees Junmyeon who nods at him, Jongin bows back in respect. He was about to continue identifying other faces when the door opens again and in goes two not so familiar faces. One with a relatively simple face yet has that unidentified charisma with the way he carries himself and another one who starts bowing to everyone, leading the other to two vacant seats beside Jongin. Jongin unconsciously lifts his right index finger to his lips as he starts biting the lower one. 

A few minutes of grueling silence can be heard in the room. Everyone must be nervous about the same thing as him. Jongin looks at Sehun to see him his slightly dry, thin lips. It's a nervous habit Jongin noticed for the past months of being friends. 

"Hey," Jongin whispers at Sehun's right ear as he nudges him slightly in his shoulder. Sehun looks at him and Jongin was surprised at the look. He thinks this is the first time he saw Sehun look like this. They may not have known each other for very long but Sehun always looked so vibrant. Even through relatively hard and stressing days, they still walk together out of the building, Jongin half sleep walking and Sehun enumerating the food he wants to eat as he maintains that smug on his face.

But now he's seeing Sehun looking so...vulnerably frightened, anxious, nervous and everything else all at once. Jongin was about to say something to comfort his friend when one of the head producers of SM came in. Everyone stands up all at once when they recognized who it was then gave ninety-degree bows, remaining standing until the elder male motions for them to sit down. Jongin looks at Sehun's worried face again then grabs the younger's hand and gives it a light squeeze. He felt Sehun squeeze back in gratitude.

"Let's keep this brief and simple. I'm sure you have heard of SM's plans about debuting a new group..." the male says as he scans the expressions of the hopeful trainees. "And it happens to be a new male group. I also want to say congratulations to the 12 of you as you all passed the initial screening for this project group. However, keep in mind that there's no room for slacking. Nothing is sure until the last minute so keep working hard as we'll definitely monitor your improvement."

Jongin can feel his hands numbing with the way Sehun's gripping it. Sehun's holding it tight, too tight that the blood cannot circulate properly. However, instead of shaking off Sehun's hands, Jongin just traced his thumb on Sehun's hands, trying to erase his anxiety through soothing movements. He stretches his right hand to enclose Sehun's right hand. He squeezes more then gives Sehun a slight smile when they caught each other's eyes. Jongin shifts his focus on the elder male again.

"...and as what you might have heard, this group has a new concept. One group's going to promote in China while the one will be here in Korea yet will be promoting the same song and album simultaneously. However, the members for each group are yet to be decided as this line up is yet to be finalized. For now, just continue practicing and work harder than how you've worked before." At this, Jongin feels his heart constrict. He felt so delighted just a minute ago when he knew that Sehun and him are possibly debuting together however, that delight was short-lived when he heard what the producer just said.

Jongin admits to himself that after Taemin, Sehun had been his closest friend. Maybe not as close as Taemin but Sehun has been constantly with him for the past months and Jongin must admit, he himself is not the best company one could have, not with his perfectionist attitude and tendency to stay silent for long hours.

His constant dance partner may be Yixing but somehow he's grown closer to Sehun. That's why this news inevitably saddens him for a bit. He doesn't show it though as the elder male leaves and the room is yet again filled with silence. 

He hears Junmyeon-hyung clear his throat as he introduces himself. 

"Hello. I'm Kim Junmyeon, '91 liner," he croaks as he tries to break the suffocating silence. "It's nice to meet all of you, let's all work hard together," the last line almost fading as the male unsuccessfully tries to keep his voice steady.

At that moment, Jongin thinks, everyone realized that whether they get along with each other or not, they have no choice but to hold on together. They are now a project group facing a big possibility of debuting together. These people might be the faces he'll see on a daily basis, almost 24 hours of every day. And for everything to work out, all of them must break their foremost walls to let each other in.

And the cycle of introductions ensued.

--

Most of the males are hitting the floor as they laugh so hard at Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Jongdae's antics. They are currently having a break from their group practice and the three are being unstoppable with their jokes and impersonations.

Jongin laughs heartily as Baekhyun dances SNSD's Hoot in kkab version, watching as Baekhyun tries to copy the cute pouts and gazes of their sunbaenims. He feels a head drop to his shoulder and instantly the smell of something citrusy floods his nose however, his hand automatically ruffles the long, black hair on it, used to the uncountable times of feeling it on his shoulders.

They all become quiet as their trainer reenters the room and tells them to resume their practice. They all then started dancing diligently, eyes not only concentrated on their own movements. All of them are monitoring each other, the steps, the transitions, the formations, the level of energy, the timing, everything. They have agreed from the start that they are doing this, and they know that better do it right. 

It's 10 PM when their trainer gives them a go signal to head home. Jongin sees Chanyeol slump his shoulder in relief, walking towards the door as he shouts a brief goodbye to everyone. One by one, they file out of the room tiredly, their heads filled with thoughts of going straight to sleep once they're in the comforts of their bed.

Sehun waits for Jongin as Jongin switches the lights off, scanning the room to make sure no one left anything. Sehun hooks his arms with Jongin's as they start their walk home.

"Mind if I stay the night?" Sehun asks Jongin. Jongin just shrugs. He never says no anyway and Sehun welcomes himself in the Kim household ever since Jongin invited him for dinner during his sister's birthday around six months ago ago.

They continue their silent walk through the cold night.

--

Jongin can't sleep. He can feel Sehun as the other male keeps on shifting on the bed. Jongin sighs as he faces Sehun.

"What's up," Jongin says monotonously, voice laden with sleepiness, eyes feeling so heavy that they threaten to close any moment now.

Sehun doesn't speak for a minute. Or maybe five minutes. Jongin's not too sure. His sense of time's not really fully functioning during his half-asleep state.

"I'm...scared," Sehun finally says, his voice sounding so tiny as if he wants no one to hear such confession. This actually succeeds on making Jongin fully awake now. His brows are furrowed as he whispers to Sehun, "Of what?" voice silenced as much as possible.

"What if..." Sehun hesitantly starts, "What if one of us is assigned to M and the other to K? I mean, it's not like I dislike the other members it's just...you know." Sehun finishes.

Jongin knows what Sehun means. He knows because he feels the exact same thing. This talk has been long overdue between them. Jongin lets out a breath as he motions for Sehun to come closer to him. Sehun obliges and he went as close as comfortably possible. 

"I know. I've...been thinking about it too," Jongin confesses.

"You are?"

Jongin hums as a way of saying yes then without thinking of anything, he stretches his hand towards Sehun's waist and hugs the younger male. He feels Sehun tense for a second but it goes away along with the sigh that escapes his lips and Sehun snuggles to Jongin closer. No one talks for a few seconds as their breathing fill the silence in the room. Both minds are wondering, wondering on what the future for them will be.

Jongin gets startled as he feels Sehun's hand creep on his waist and the male fully hugs him. Sehun then tucks his head under Jongin's chin. 

No more words were uttered until the two of them fell into sleep.

--

They are in the same room yet again. The tense atmosphere more severe than the last time. This time though, it's the one of the head officials in the company who goes in to greet them and the usual exchange of courtesies takes place.

The elder male gives them a smile which makes their anxiety a bit lesser.

"I'm actually here to say that the plans are set. All of you are going to debut next year," the male says and simultaneously, cries of joy are heard and hugs and bro fists are exchanged. 

"Now, I have to announce the final line-up for each sub-unit," With this, all of them stayed still on their seats. Jongin feels a hand on his left arm and he does not need to look to know who it is. He slides his arm a bit upwards to connect their hands. Sehun's hands are cold. Another nervous reaction of his.

"For M, it will be Wu Yifan, Lu Han, Zhang Yixing, Kim Minseok, Kim Jongdae and Huang Zitao. The rest will be in K," the male reads on a piece of paper he was holding. 

Jongin was not able to contain his emotions. He envelops Sehun in a tight hug, the younger male doing the same. It's not like they are the only one who failed to suppress their feelings. Jongin could actually hear Chanyeol's squeals as he encloses Kyungsoo through a side hug. They all sit straight once again after they hear the elderly male clear his throat. All of them are all ears once again. 

"Congratulations to all of you! Your concept will be relayed to you next week. Your schedule will also be given to you next week. You're dismissed and free to spread the good news you have received," the elder male claps and starts shaking all of their hands. 

Jongin sees some of the members cry. In his peripheral vision, he can see Chanyeol dangling his arms on Kyungsoo happily, Jongdae and Baekhyun remaining seated as the reality of them being apart starts to set in, Zitao merrily chatting on his phone already, Junmyeon covering his face with his hands as he cries silently, Yixing's hand trembling as he tries to send someone, most probably his mother, a message, Yifan propping up his face with one hand as he shakes his head from time to time, eyes covered with a wet sheen of tears, probably still not believing of what just transpired, Luhan sitting dazedly in one corner and Minseok staring on nothing in particular and being his usual, silent self. Jongin then looks at Sehun and sees a bright smile. Without words, they hug each other again, exchanging sighs of relief with the thought that they don't really have to part.

--

Everything's taking a toll on him. Out of the 12 members, he is the one who has to work the hardest. It's because he has the most teasers to film and every teaser takes 2 to 3 days of nonstop filming and his body's already showing the drawbacks of lack of sleep and endless rehearsals. Aside from the teasers, he also has to practice that performance he has with Taemin and Eunhyuk-sunbae for the Gayo and of course, all the choreography he has to master for their debut showcase.

Jongin trudges along the hallway as he opens the door to his dorm room. The sub-units started living together a week after the official confirmation of their debut. Jongin might reside relatively close to SM but he still decided to live here because he wants to get along with s more. That, and everything's much easier if he just gets into the flow of everything, letting their managers inform them of their daily schedule than checking them out himself.

He halts his steps as he sees a familiar silhouette in their cramped up living room, a long and thin body draped languidly on their small sofa. The room is dark and Jongin finds it unnecessary to turn on the lights as it's not a long and complicated way towards his bedroom but the illumination from the moon that seeps through their windows guides Jongin's light steps. He sees Sehun sit up as the younger male is rubbing his eyes with his closed fist. Jongin reaches out his hand, ruffling the other's hair "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be asleep in your bed by now?" he says as he checks his phone and sees that the time is indeed 2 AM. 

"Can't sleep," Sehun drags him to the room he shares with Kyungsoo and Junmyeon and invites himself to the comfort of Jongin's bed. The tired male lets out a small smile as he shakes his head, getting rid of his jacket and jeans then climbs on the bed as well. There are nights like this when Sehun just can't sleep without someone by his side. These nights are when, Jongin assumes, Sehun is bothered of complicated things. When Sehun is unsure and is trying to find some ground in the middle of all the uncertainties. And somehow, he finds it in the presence of Jongin. In the back of Jongin's mind, he knows Sehun's presence give him his unfounded balance too.

They don't talk. They both know how much they at expressing themselves through words but they do know how to read each other. And it's more than enough. They comfort each other through firm embraces and soothing back rubs. And the next thing they know, they're starting another day of practices, recordings and photoshoots but with a regained energy and determination.

--

Jongin lets out a loud "oomph" as a not so light body pins him down on his bed. He groans as he feels sharp bones digging in his stomach and chest and his reflexes are telling him to push the offending weight off. However, he does not even come close to acting up on his reflexes as he hears Sehun's giddy voice trying to get him out of his slumber. Tomorrow's one of the rare days they are left off to do whatever they want at least up until the afternoon and Jongin wants...needs sleep and so he does that but it looks like Sehun has other plans.

Sehun shakes his shoulders, voice loud "Yah, wake up! Look at this!" he chides as he continuously bothers Jongin. 

"Later," Jongin croaks as he tries to shift to his side to make Sehun fall off. 

"No, now. Don't you want to see yourself in our first teaser?" Sehun says in a mirthful tone. That seems to do it as Jongin sits straight so fast he feels a bit dizzy, effectively shoving Sehun on his side, but that does not stop him from snatching the iPad Sehun's holding as he touches the screen and he watches the final output of the first teaser video he filmed. He lets out a gasp as the video ends and he blinks quickly as he stops the tears that are threatening to come out.

He feels Sehun's long. wiry arms encircle his neck and his nose buried on his cheek as they both stay silent for a minute.

"This is it. This is it Jongin-ah," Sehun whispers, lips brushing lightly on his cheek as he tightens his embrace and gets as close to Jongin as he could possibly get.

"Yeah, this is it Sehun-ah. And by the way, you should start practicing calling me Kai you know," Jongin says in a hushed and playful tone as he turns to his left, arms dropping the tablet and snaking on Sehun's waist to pull the younger male much more closer. 

--

Jongin's really glad to feel that familiar tight grip on his right hand as he lets out nervous exhales. If not for the feeling of Sehun's palm he probably might be having a breakdown now as he waits for the lights to black out. The seconds are ticking and any moment now, the stage lights will be off and it will be his turn to present everyone his first solo stage. 

The lights vanish and what is left is a bit of dim lighting enough to get to his blocking. At the same time, a light pat on his is felt as Sehun whispers a "fighting!" to his ear and Jongin rushes to his position as the first notes of My Lady fills the stadium along with the deafening screams of thousands of fans who attended their debut showcase. 

Jongin danced, much passionately as he ever did during rehearsals, and the screaming and that fluttering and vibrant feeling in his whole body as he basks on the after performance is more than enough to tell him that he is in the right way. That performing and being on stage is what he had truly wanted and all those hardships and sacrifices feels so trivial compared to the happiness he felt just by being on stage.

Jongin distracts himself from the aftermath of their performance and the emotional high from the showcase by making invisible circles at the back of Sehun’s left hand that he’s holding. They’re currently at the back of their van, unable to sleep as they soak on the thrill of performing as a group publicly for the first time, eyes tracing the blurred outlines of people and buildings that they pass by.

“Dancing machine Kai eh” Sehun says, a playful lilt in his voice as he settles his chin on Jongin’s shoulder.

“Sharing the shower with Baekhyun-hyung eh,” Jongin copies Sehunin a whisper as he glances at the said male with jesting eyes.

“Shut up, that’s true anyways. All of us share the shower. Hyung’s just too fond of oversharing private information,” Sehun says as he bumps his temple on the other male’s shoulder as a form of retaliation.

“That maknae, or maybe it’s for fanservice,” Jongin bumps his head back on Sehun’s forehead, a small “ouch” coming out from the younger.

Sehun lets out a squeak as he scrunches up his nose with the thought of doing fanservice. It’s part of their job description though. He remembers their managers constantly reminding them that fans, especially fangirls, love their interactions, moreover constant display of skinship.

“Yeah, yeah, fanservice,” Sehun brushes off ending the short conversation.

They stay silent until they reach their dorm ending up with two boys’ tangled bodies sharing a bed that is obviously not meant for two overgrown male teenagers.

--

He lets out another groan of pain accompanied by some shivers brought about by their room’s air conditioning. A few small whimpers escape his lips as he relishes on the smooth hand that’s massaging his lower back.

“I told you, stop being too hard on yourself,” Sehun’s soft voice scolds him as the maknae continues to rub his lower back. Jongin grits his teeth as pangs of pain travels through his body, face unsuccessfully trying to mask the hurt.

The older male hums non-committally in response as he exhales through his mouth, shifting constantly as he finds the most comfortable position. He’s lying on his stomach, topless, on his bed as his back is being massaged by Sehun as his waist injury acted up again earlier while they were recording for their MAMA performance in a music show. He knows the massage won’t really do it any good, or make it any better. He knows his injury is past beyond that stage of being relieved through such. However, the feeling of Sehun’s palm somehow calms him and helps him endure through the pain.

“This won’t get any better though. If you keep on working too hard. Too hard that your body can’t keep up. You ain’t superman Jongin,” Sehun presses a little bit harder on one spot and Jongin yelps unattractively.

“I know, I know Ohsen. You said that a thousand times already,” Jongin settles his right cheek on his pillow, eyes rolling in annoyance. He could really use some quiet right now.

Sehun lets out a particularly loud sigh. “And yet you keep on wearing yourself out a thousand and one times,” Sehun says, a bit sadness can be traced in his voice which makes Jongin a bit guilty. “I just care for you, you know that.”

“I know you do. I actually…try but being in the practice room makes other things go…unnoticed,” Jongin says as he shifts on his back pulling Sehun’s hand to make him lie on the bed with him. He drapes his left leg on the younger male and envelops him in a hug, turning his body sideways to effectively wrap the male. “Sometimes I think I was only dancing for half an hour but it turns out that it’s been two hours. You know that feeling Sehun-ah. I know you do. You feel the same way.”

“I do but I also know when to stop. You need to control this bad habit of yours or else you’ll end up in a hospital bed and probably strapped there for months just so you won’t aggravate your waist,” Sehun sighs yet again.

Jongin’s been pulling hours-long practices almost everyday since their MAMA promotion started. He says it’s to improve his endurance and stamina but Sehun sees nothing of it as a way to self-destruction. They already rehearse far too much everyday and adding hours of rehearsal till the morning is in no way healthy.

Jongin struggles to keep his innermost thoughts. It’s true that he’s being his perfectionist self whenever he pulls off those practices in ungodly hours but honestly, he’s also distracting himself from thoughts that should not have surfaced in the first place. And Jongin finds it ironic that the main theme of his thoughts that he’s struggling to bury is the one he’s cuddling with right now.

Sehun brings his hand on top of Jongin’s hand that’s wrapped on his waist. He traces invisible doodles on it as they remain silent. Silence and small gestures are still their best way of communicating.

--

If they notice anything odd about Sehun and Jongin’s too close relationship especially behind cameras, the other members say nothing about it. The twelve of them are currently on their way to MAMA and the two youngest are attached to the hip while in the car. The other K members who are with them tries their best to ignore the way Sehun’s head is leaned on Jongin’s shoulder as the latter has one arm around the other. They dismiss it as brotherhood. They know that the two have always been close way before their group was formed. Instead, they try to shake off the anxiety as the reality of whether they would receive the long-coveted Best Rookie Group of 2012 award would go to their hands or would they end up sulking in disappointment by the end of the night.

They enter the venue and walk through the red carpet, their idol facades carefully placed for the fans and cameras surrounding them. They stop to pose for a minute then proceeds to their dressing room to change for their performance outfits. The tense remains unbroken as words are rarely exchanged while they get ready. All are hyped out for their performance and of course, the announcement of award recipients later on.

All of them are doing their own thing. Some are doing vocalizations, others doing stretches while others are practicing their choreography and adlibs. They then hear Junmyeon’s call to huddle towards the couch in the room and 12 males surround the small coffee table as they pep talk and remind each other of the last minute revisions they have for their performance. Junmyeon extends his right hand towards the center which was followed by 11 others. A loud “EXO, Saranghaja!” reverberates in the room as they start filing towards the direction of the backstage.

--

“It’s a pity award.”

Such statement sums up the comments of netizens. They didn’t receive it. They didn’t expect but they were hopeful. Jongin sulks on the corner of the backseat. They just arrived from Hongkong and it was chaos in the airport again as fans struggled to get a glimpse of them. However, Jongin’s thoughts are still upset by the fact that they did not receive it. It was more of a self-reflection. Of the “what could’ve gone wrong” and the “where did I lack” thoughts. He feels a hand on his arm and Jongin grabs it automatically, relishing on the peace it could give instantly to him.

“At least we still got a trophy though,” Jongin hears from his side which makes him smile. Yeah, at least they did not go home empty-handed though that desire of receiving the Best Rookie Award is not fully extinguished. The comments of netizens and hushed whispers of the staff behind the stage still linger on his mind. Though he notes that the hand he’s holding effectively changes his train of thoughts from trophies and awards to moments in the practice room and late night snuggles on his bed.

--

Sehun hears yet again Jongin’s stifled laughter at the back of the car which makes him reach out and smack Jongin’s arms.

“Yah! Why? I’m not even doing anything!” Jongin playfully barks as he continues to stifle the giggles threatening to come out.

“It suits me you dork,” Sehun says, eyes glaring on the male.

“I didn’t say it does not but it sure hell funny seeing you resemble a parrot,” Jongin replies, looking at Sehun’s multi-coloured hair that was just dyed a few hours ago, just in time for their Wolf comeback stage tomorrow.

Sehun reaches out to whack him again in the arms but Jongin does not stop laughing. Sehun hears Baekhyun and Chanyeol join in the laughter. “Yah, quit it. It suits Sehun,” Rely on Junmyeon to always make the maknae feel better.

“See? Huh,” Sehun says as he tries to mimic a hair whip despite his lacking hair length.

It’s near midnight and they have just finished their rehearsal for tomorrow’s comeback stage. Their muscles are sore and aching from dancing nonstop and Jongin honestly wants nothing right now but to sleep. Even chicken won’t entice him out of bed. Probably.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever makes you sleep at night,” Jongin says, waving a hand dismissively.

They all have a deep sleep that night, hearts clouded with doubts and fears like it’s their debut stage all over again.

--

Jongin scans the crowd of fans in front of them. It’s night time but the lights set up for the fansign event illuminates the fans’ expecting faces. They’re all straining their ears to hear what the members are saying.

Jongin does not know what he’s saying but he’s surprised to suddenly just feel Sehun’s arm around his shoulders as few drops of tears makes way down his face. Sehun’s body warmth gives him comfort but the tears don’t stop. Even the chants of “uljima” are resounding in his ears but the stupid tear glands won’t stop working. Jongin wishes it does because he actually wants to make a more coherent thank you speech. He wants to express his gratefulness to the fans who have believed in them despite all the doubts and criticisms surrounding their latest comeback. He wants to thank them for being physically, mentally and emotionally there and for not being tired lining up in music stations, buying albums, waiting for fan signs and many more. He just feels grateful and his emotions get the better of him as he remembers how they just won in Music Bank earlier.

It still feels surreal. As if he's waiting for the confirmation that his mind just made it all up. He was infinitely thankful that his best friend Taemin was there with him in the stage otherwise, he would have broke down in front of national TV.

He sniffs and holds back the remaining tears as he takes the mic away from his mouth and letting the others say their thank you’s. He feels again that familiar warmth and he thinks he’s also grateful that it’s still there whenever he needs it. He suppresses the uninvited thoughts once again.

--

Whatever happened during the awarding ceremonies last year, Jongin just knows that it’s a complete 180-degree turn this year. They’ve been receiving awards left and right from all the prestigious and reputable ceremonies it makes him feel like he’s on the top of the world.

It’s January 2014 and he feels like time literally flew by with the flurry of music show programs, fan events, interviews and variety show guestings. He did not even notice how he just turned 21 this year if they did not celebrate Kyungsoo-hyung’s birthday during their taping for Showtime.

The other members gave him gifts such as shirts, caps and shoes but Sehun did not. Not that he feels dejected in any way but it’s just Sehun never failed to give him something, anything, even a card during his birthdays since they became friends. He didn’t confront Sehun though because after all, it was still Sehun who burst in his room to hug him and whisper a “Happy birthday Jongin-ah” in his ear at exactly 12 midnight. And that was enough for Jongin. More than enough actually, counting the hug that lasted for a few minutes.

He’s now at their practice room, currently taking a break from their rehearsals when Sehun approaches him and takes a seat beside him on the floor.

“Yo, next week’s our break right?” Sehun says as he nudges Jongin in the shoulder.

“Yeah…why?” Jongin drawls as he looks at Sehun who seems to be dodging his eyes.

“Well, uh…want to go somewhere? Like maybe Japan? Or Hong Kong? Or anywhere actually. I think it would be good time to unwind a little,” Sehun mutters nonchalantly, and somehow, quietly that if Jongin did not go closer to him, he would not have actually heard what he said.

Jongin feels something settle on his stomach. Something like guilt for failing to tell Sehun that he actually have plans for the short break already.

“A-actually,” Jongin clears his throat as he stutters. “Taemin and I are gonna be in Japan, probably checking out the wonders of the hotsprings,” Jongin says slowly, unsure of what would Sehun’s reaction be. He honestly forgot to tell Sehun. It’s not that he’s keeping a secret. It’s just that him and Taemin planned it back in December and it was buried at the back of his mind until now.

“Oh. Right. Taemin. Hotsprings. Cool. That’s…really cool,” Sehun fidgets on his seat, unsure of how to shake off the awkwardness that surrounded them.

“You may come with us if you want?” Jongin suggests and now that he thinks about it, Sehun actually could. He’s sure Taemin would not even mind. The more the mer-

“Nope I’m good. I actually have…plans already, I was just trying to snoop on what’s yours,” Sehun says as he lets out a forced playful chuckle. He does not say that he actually does not have a plan aside from the fact that he kept traveling guide brochures to nearby countries in his drawers. He does not bring up that he's been reading about travelling to different countries, making note of the usual tourist destinations in each. He does not say that he was actually been planning for this and would really love to belatedly celebrate his best friend's birthday but maybe he could come up now with some kind of a back up plan. Maybe spend some time in his room playing games or maybe biking around with his brother. Those count as plans. Sehun defends against himself.

Jongin replies with a small laugh as well and he’s thankful Jaewon-hyung chooses that moment to call their attention to resume their rehearsal.

--

Whatever Sehun’s plan was, Jongin did not expect that that includes him flying to Qingdao and spending two whole days with Tao. Jongin did not expect to find fan posts and fan-taken pictures of Sehun and Tao playing around and staying at cafes like they are not celebrities. Whatever that plan was, he certainly did not expect it included a Huang Zitao.

Jongin wonders when the two got close to that level wherein Sehun is comfortable enough to take a flight alone to Qingdao and stay at Tao’s home. Jongin wonders yet he does not have an answer because all this time, he has always seen himself as the closest to Sehun. He has always prided it in himself that he knows Sehun more than he knows himself. He’s wondering when Sehun even planned that Qingdao trip. He feels betrayed that Sehun didn’t even share him his plans. “You didn’t share yours to him either, you ,” his own conscience bites back at him and the thought simmers down that unfamiliar feeling that’s settling on his gut.

--

Everything was awkwardly normal once they’re all back from their breaks. Awkward because he can’t seem to talk to Sehun the usual way. He cannot start their banters, he cannot hit Sehun in his arms whenever he’s laughing too hard at Baekhyun’s jokes. He feels like…something is amiss yet it still feels normal because they are just how they used to be. They kid around during rehearsal breaks, they sit next to each other when in the car but…there are things that are not…there.

They’re sitting next to each other but there’s a small space between them. Their arms and thighs not closely stuck to each other and the familiar weight of Sehun’s head on his shoulders is also gone. They do kid around during rehearsals but Sehun easily slips away from him. He oftentimes go to Tao to continue goofing around, hitting the Chinese male when they throw teasing insults at each other.

Their hangouts are also drastically reduced. Though they are not the type to go shop together or watch movies or other things close friends usually do during their free time, they do spend a lot of time just talking or doing random moves in their practice room, just like during their trainee days. Jongin tries to bury this sickening feeling. This feeling he thinks he’s sharing a special spot with someone else. He looks at Sehun across the room who, unsurprisingly, is attached to the hip with Tao, again, and he cannot stop himself from giving off a menacing glare towards the Chinese male. His glare breaks though when he feels a body sitting beside him. It’s Kyungsoo-hyung.

“You should just tell him, you know,” Jongin’s not surprised Kyungsoo noticed. He may be quiet but he’s very observant.

“Tell him what? That he’s replacing his best friend little by little?” Jongin snaps, not even feeling guilty for taking it out on Kyungsoo.

His annoyance increases when he sees that smirk on the smaller’s face.

“Nah. Tell him that you miss him, that you miss his company,” Kyungsoo says with raised brows trying to get his point across.

“I don’t do things like that,” Jongin answers, bowing his head to avoid Kyungsoo’s curious gaze.

“Fine. Then just watch him drift away,” Kyungsoo says as he stands, hands supporting himself by pressing against the floor.

Jongin does not know why he feels empty with that simple phrase. He does not know why the idea of Sehun having someone closer that is not Jongin does not settle well in his stomach. He doesn’t know why the idea of not being able to be comfortable with Sehun the way they used to be makes him feel lost and defeated. He doesn’t but then maybe he does. Maybe he knows why he’s so possessive of what they have. He just chose to bury and not entertain the reasons since two years ago.

--

Jongin wakes up in the middle of the night feeling his throat closed and dry as he coughs. He goes out of his room to go get himself some water. He’s on his way back to his shared room with Junmyeon and Jongdae when he hears a sniff from a door which was slightly ajar. It’s Tao’s shared room with Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Xiumin hyung. Curiosity gets the best of him and he peeks on the slight space and sees the hyungs’ sleeping forms except Tao who’s hugging…Sehun. A crying Sehun. He briefly hears mentions of “Jongin,” Taemin,” and “friends” when he sways the door open and quietly marches towards the maknae.

Sehun sits up straight upon seeing him and Jongin can see him wiping his face with his hands, trying to erase any tear tracks. Jongin can feel something in him break upon seeing Sehun’s crying face. He ignores the thought of how awkward the two of them had been for the past two weeks and cups Sehun’s face, thumb erasing the tears that keep on flowing despite Sehun’s attempts to stop crying. This seems to trigger more of Sehun’s tears and Tao sits up as well, eyes focused on Sehun and obviously ignoring Jongin, bringing his hand to Sehun’s back as he began rubbing it comfortingly.

“What happened?” Jongin whispers, aware that there are three people who are sleeping in the room.

“Nothing, I…just…nightmare,” Sehun replies. Jongin remembers what he heard a while ago and it stirs something in him. A hunch. A hope.

Jongin then pulls at Sehun’s arms, ignoring Tao’s silent protest and leads the maknae to the living room, making sure to close the door to Tao’s room and effectively barring the Chinese male from this conversation.

He makes Sehun sit at the couch then he sits beside him, automatically pulling the younger into him as Sehun continues sobbing. The younger male chooses to bury his face on Jongin’s chest, ignoring the fact that he’s wetting Jongin’s wifebeater in the process because of his tears. Jongin brings his left hand at the back of the younger’s head, massaging lightly the other’s scalp to calm him down. Jongin doesn’t know how long they were sitting there but it was definitely long enough to make him feel sleepy. He fights it though because he knows there are more important matters right now rather than sleep.

“Sehun?” Jongin says tentatively when he feels that Sehun’s sobs have subsided. Sehun buries his face to Jongin’s chest harder, attempts at avoiding the conversation they’re about to have obvious in his actions.

“Sehun,” Jongin says, tone more stern now. He does not have anything planned to say but he sure is not letting this moment pass up. He brings his hand to Sehun’s jaw and makes the other look at him.

“Sehun. Look at me,” Jongin says, half commanding, half begging. Sehun looks at him for a brief moment before his eyes settle on Jongin’s neck instead.

“What’s wrong? Tell me,” Jongin tries again. He’s almost pleading just so Sehun would say anything to him. He has a gut-feeling that he’s somehow responsible for the other’s despair.

“I-“ Sehun’s voice breaks, “I—just..” Jongin sees contemplation in his eyes. He can see the inner debates of Sehun’s thoughts.

“The truth Sehun-ah. I want the truth,” this somehow settles the ongoing debate in Sehun’s mind.

“It’s…you. You and Taemin. I feel…” Jongin sees Sehun gulp. He waits for the other to continue speaking but it looks like Sehun’s lost his voice.

He brings his hand to Sehun’s chin then tilted it, all the while bringing his face closer to the other male just so they could look at each other’s eyes. He’s not surprised to see the sadness reflecting in the other’s eyes but he sees more. He sees nervousness, fear, confusion and other things. Jongin thinks back to that day of announcement of them being in a project group together and remembers that that’s the only moment when he saw Sehun this…vulnerable.

He doesn’t break their eye contact. He’s determined for the other male to see and to feel that he’s not going away. Whatever it is that bothers Sehun so much would not matter much and he’s going to understand it whatever happens.

Sehun gulps again.

“Are you and…Taemin-hyung…?” Sehun leaves the question hanging but Jongin gets it. He always gets it. They’re the same after all, unable to form proper sentences together to mean anything but he understands. It’s Sehun after all.

He can feel Sehun trembling in his hands and Jongin knows he has to do something. He sees brief moments of flashback. He and Sehun in the practice room, he and Sehun in his bed together, he and Sehun sending kakaotalk messages when they’re just across each other in the dressing room, he and Sehun always holding each other before any stage, he trying to ease the younger’s sadness when his dancing was criticized, he and Sehun trying to downplay the severity of Jongin’s injury by plastering drawn-on patches on Jongin’s lower back, he and Sehun spending almost all of their time together and he understands. He remembers Sehun’s forced smiles when he says he’s hanging out with Taemin during their rare days off and Sehun’s disappointed expression when he knew of their vacation plans. And now that he does, he can’t help but curse at himself for being too stupid, for being too blind. He should not have buried anything at all.

He shifts his gaze back on Sehun’s imploring eyes and tries to convey everything with that look along with a slight shake of his head that scream "No we're not." He knows Sehun would understand and the slight widening of the other male’s eyes proves that he did. Jongin does not waste anymore time, he spares a glance on those thin lips then back to the eyes. He sees a faint pink on the younger’s cheeks and that’s more than enough permission he could ever have.

It’s just soft and smooth just how it looks like. Jongin thinks as he brushes his lips lightly on Sehun’s. It’s a simple peck, just the touching of lips that is enough to ignite something within the both of them. Jongin pulls back slightly just in time to see tears sliding down Sehun’s cheeks again. However this time instead of a frown, the other was smiling, his eyes crinkling and cheeks blushing.

Jongin dips down again for another taste. This time he pushes his lips a bit harder, just to make the situation more real for both of them. He can’t help his heart flutter when Sehun kisses him back. They pull away again after not more than ten seconds and this time, they maintain eye contact. Jongin gives the other a small smile which the other reciprocates.

Nonetheless, Junmyeon’s a bit shocked waking up in the morning and seeing the two youngest, who’s been aloof towards each other the past days, tangled up closer than ever, Sehun’s head tucked closely to Jongin’s neck.

--

It’s hard. Going through obstacles and facing them blindly not knowing what exactly is the right thing to do. Jongin feels that familiar arms wrapping around his as they standby on the backstage. This time though, he sneaks a kiss on the temple and he feels one in his check in return as the light dims and their stage is being lifted up. Jongin sees the silver lightsticks in the venue and squeezes the hand before letting go and going to his designated position.

Jongin feels a wave of nostalgia as the chant at the beginning of their debut song fills the stadium along with the fans’ cheers. What they’re going through is not easy but he knows, he just knows, that the wall he has now along with the other members stands stronger. But maybe that certain wall he built together with that special person is his strongest as of yet.

Jongin gets lost in the music.

Their first concert was a success.