See Me, For Once
A Light Left On
It's been so frustrating, Woohyun. It's been days, weeks, months since you last acknowledged me.
When I speak to you, you are always somewhere else: somewhere I cannot see; somewhere that cannot be seen.
When I step closer to you, you do not move an inch; you do not make a sound.
You are trapped in that invisible place I cannot see - locked behind bars made of reminiscences, bars guarded by uncertainties, bars sealed with haunting regrets.
I am searching hopelessly for a map that will lead me to where you are; for a key that will free you from your self-made prison; for a heart to replace the one she broke, the one she stole.
But I am growing tired of lying to myself.
As each day passes ruefully, I am plagued by the notion that you will never heal...that you can never be saved.
Lying to myself is hard, but being victimized by the recesses of the mind must be even harder.
I feel so sorry that you have to endure that torture.
I want to help you - to heal your scars; to silence your mind; to shut your eyes so you may fall into peaceful slumber.
I want to take the pain away from you, inflict it upon myself so you can see the world through unclouded eyes once more.
I just want you to wake up and see more than a closed curtain, four walls covered in torn wallpaper, and a light that never turns off.
I want you to see rain falling to the earth, sunlight sleeping on your pale skin, people laughing and playing, enjoying life to its fullest.
I want you...to see the person who has stayed with you all this time. The person who comes every day, hoping that maybe, just maybe, you will finally say his name out loud...
Because all he wants is to hear your voice again.
I want you...to see the person...who wants nothing more than to hold your hand as you take your first steps into the real world - the world from which you have hidden yourself away, recluse behind closed curtains and endless questions.
I want you...to see...me.
As these hours hang in mid-air; as these days blur into weeks; as your heart beats grudgingly in your chest and your entire life's essence runs dry; I will still fight to save you.
Even though my mind deems it unwise, my heart only beats for you - only asks for you.
I will come back to you loyally, obsessively, devotedly.
I will come back to you...even though...you will never look at me;
You will never see me.
And my heart will not beat again until you have begun to live.
He just doesn't see the point in opening it anymore.
The last time he opened it, she was standing there.
She was standing there - so wanting to see him again; so ignorant of her inescapable future.
He opened the door for her, and she came in.
He opened the door for her again, long after the sun had sunk behind the horizon, and she went back out - back into the hateful world;
A world made of nightmares and horror stories,
Cruelty and unsolvable mysteries.
And after he opened the door to let her escape into the terrible, terrible world outside...
He never saw her again.
Since that night, he has not seen her.
Since that night, he refuses to open his door.
Unless it is her standing on the front step, he does not want to answer the door;
He only wants to see her face.
He never does.
I don't know why I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe,
Today will be the day he does come to the door -
The day he starts to live again.
I don't know why I keep believing that he wants to breathe again,
See again,
Love again.
I don't know why...I keep trying.
Maybe this is faith in miracles...
Maybe this is pure devotion...
Or maybe this is just utter stupidity,
A perfect excuse for heartbreak.
But whatever this is,
It's something I cannot shake;
It's something I cannot ignore...
It's something I must fix;
Something I must save.
Once again I must let myself in;
Once again I must force myself in.
Once again I am disregarded;
Once again he is left alone.
He knows who it is and he does not care.
He is too busy thinking of her face to care.
I look at the closed door for a few seconds, saddened even though I foresaw this chain of events.
It is the same thing I do every day -
The same routine and lifestyle I am inclined to live
And he is inclined to ignore.
I do not know the reason for this selfless inclination, nor do I know if this inclination is even selfless in the first place.
All I know is that I am here,
Like I am every single day,
And he is there,
Sitting by the curtain
But never opening it to look outside.
If only I could understand his feelings;
If only I could just see what he sees.
Hopeful that he will reply,
Hopeful that he will finally see me.
As the plate submerges under the soapy water and the silence presses heavily against my shoulders, I realize that the fateful reply I have been waiting for was not meant to come today.
And, not much to my surprise, I am disappointed.
I am more than disappointed, whatever that feeling may be.
If I had a word to describe my feelings, I would never use it, for it would be too powerful, too upsetting to anyone's ears.
Maybe this is just a shred of how he feels with each passing day -
Each day she does not show up at his doorstep.
Maybe...I am starting to understand his feelings.
Maybe...I am starting to see what he sees.
I wonder what it would be like to be the last person left on Earth.
Surely it would be a miserable life, a lonesome life.
I always try to picture myself alone...
Surrounded by nothing and no one...
Surrounded by nothing but empty space and once-spoken words...
But I can never seem to see what I know I should see.
I can never seem to picture myself alone;
I can always see someone standing next to me,
Close to me as the wind blows and time slows down.
But I can never see the face of the person standing with me.
No matter how hard I try,
I cannot see that face.
And every time I try to see that face,
I cannot help but wonder...
If Woohyun is trying to do the same thing...
With her face.
I knew it would not come.
It never does.
These trips are disheartening.
Every time I walk through the door, I lose a piece of myself.
Where these pieces collect and disappear, I do not know.
Where they drift, I wish I knew.
I wish they would join with him,
Cover the holes in his heart,
The places where pieces of him have been taken.
Maybe then he could be whole again;
Maybe then he could live again.
"Woohyun...please talk to me. Just once...just once I'd like to hear your voice. Please."
I look at him, full of hope yet full of bitter anticipation.
He doesn't flinch.
He doesn't show any signs of comprehension.
I can't help but wonder if so many months of being willingly trapped in his home have made him deaf.
It sure has changed him in more ways than are countable,
More was than I can express.
"Why won't you speak to me, Woohyun? Why won't you just...let me help you?"
I must not leave him broken;
I must not leave him lonely.
I must take his hand and take him home -
Home to his heart.
I must take his hand and lead him back to the world -
The world behind his curtain,
Past the snow-covered trees with their rain-soaked branches,
Past the setting sun and the beaming moon to a better place -
A place where he can be born again.
A place where he can live again.
"Okay, fine. I guess I'll...be on my way now. I just thought that maybe today...you'd actually give me a chance...give yourself a chance...to begin life anew. But I guess I was...wrong. As I usually am."
With those words,
I stand up from the chair.
I tuck the chair back into place and turn around.
I do not bother to hide my disappointment.
I slump to the door and touch the knob hesitatingly.
I turn my head one last time to see if Woohyun has noticed my leaving - to see if he has noticed me at all.
He has not moved.
He is the same as he was the first second I walked through the door -
Unaffected and disconnected with reality.
I sigh heavily as I slowly turn the knob.
I am suddenly stopped by the sound of a soft voice saying to a constantly-lit, disconsolate, empty room and a closed curtain:
"Wait. Please...wait."
And for the first time in a long time...
I am happy.
For the first time in a long time...
I am hopeful.
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