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Saturday, August 16th 2014

I still remember that day like it just happened yesterday. I'm glad everyone assumes I'm okay. I'm proud that I'm such a great liar. Sometimes I feel as if my life should be a drama, because there doesn't seem to be a happy ending for me. 

       

That week was so hectic for me, considering it was still the first few months of school after summer break, and I had a huge math test to study for. I also just recently found out the date of my grandfather's death, which was years ago, but it still affected me in so many ways. My friend suggested for us to go to Physics Club that week to hang out with our friends for a bit to cheer up my mood. Unfortunately, it did the exact opposite. 

 

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It was on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013, and we were in Physics Club. (Physics Club was a club that was run by one of my guy friends who wanted to teach people physics.) It ran on Wednesdays after school, from around 3:30 to 5pm, in a science classroom with two huge white boards at the front of the room, along with a screen for the projector. The classroom belonged to a teacher who also taught geology - study of the earth - so there was also a big display case of a variety of rocks at the back of the classroom. There were also four rows of long black desks split into two, leaving a walkway down the middle in between. I usually went there to do my physics or math homework. Another one of my guy friends - who I kind of had a crush on for around 5-6 years - also helps run the club, but don't go thinking that I go just because of him! I actually genuinely needed help in physics.

Anyways, I was enjoying my time in Physics Club, goofing off with one of my guy friends when he came into the room. I smiled and waved when he nodded his head at me as a sign of hello. 

The friend who ran the club had told me once that there was this look in my eyes every time I looked at him. I had asked him what it was but he never told me. I shrugged it off as a joke, but now I think back to it, I wonder if the look is still in my eyes. 

It was a regular Wednesday and everything was running smoothly. We were joking around, watching the members of the club solve physics questions, and just chatting with friends. My friends were also there doing other homework assignments, but most of them were distracted playing Taboo. (A game in which a player has their partners guess the word on the player's card without using the word itself, or five additional words listed on the card.) 

As I was at the front of the classroom drawing on the white board, I saw my girl friends Nellie and Chohee whisper about something to him. It seemed like they were asking him something, but I didn't want to intrude. 

Curiosity does kill the cat. 

I had walked up to them and asked what they were talking about, but they told me it was nothing. Just telling me that they were asking if a package arrived, since they ordered something and used his address. This was a normal routine, since they used his address often, so I easily believed them. Boy was I clueless. 

Shrugging it off, I went towards him and we had another goofy conversation. God knows what we talked about, but I surely didn't. 

He had wanted to go to his locker to retrieve something, and asked me if I wanted to come along. 

In the corner of my eye, I saw my friends whisper about something again, but I ignored it. Turning my attention back to him, I nodded and followed him out of the classroom. 

We walked towards his locker goofing off and being silly like always, until a teacher called us. She kindly asked us if we could help her put up all the chairs onto the desks so it would be easier for the janitors to clean up the classroom. Being himself, he decided to make it into a small game and we raced, seeing how many chairs we could put up. The teacher stared at us weirdly when we left her classroom considering we were laughing while putting up the chairs. 

Luckily his locker was just outside that classroom, so we didn't have much to travel. He opened his locker and took out a small box, a bit bigger than a rubik's cube. 

He showed me the box and smiled. "Guess what it is." 

I gave him a weird look. "How am I supposed to know?" 

"I'll give you a hint. It's from Asia, and we eat it. Most of the time, we drink it." He said as we started to walk back to the physics classroom. 

As I was guessing, he suddenly stopped and asked me another question. "So, do you know Coco?"

I was confused. Why would he ask me this all of a sudden?  

"I... I don't know her, why? Is she your girlfriend? Did you ask her to winter formal? Is she a new friend? Which Coco are you talking about?--"

"What do you know about us?" He interrupted.

"Nothing. I don't think I've met her--"

"We're dating." 

Once I heard that, I immediately smiled brightly and lightly hit his arm, congratulating him. 

... Unknowingly, my heart started to crack as my smile grew. 

 

We walked back to the classroom, and I genuinely thought I would be okay. He walked back to the front of the classroom, and I went to our group of friends who were still playing Taboo at the back. As I was about to sit down, he came towards us and bid us all a goodbye before leaving. To show everyone that I was perfectly fine, I stayed behind and played a few rounds of Taboo with them before packing up my stuff and leaving. It was nearing 5 o'clock and I still had to go home and make dinner for my little brother and I. 

Fortunately, I only lived across the street from the school, but I still had to go pick up my brother at my cousin's house. She didn't live too far so it didn't exactly take long before I was home in my cozy pj's. I don't know why but I hadn't shed a single tear yet. It's been hours since the incident so I thought, 'maybe I'm over him'. I decided to make fried rice that night for dinner. 

As I was mixing up all the ingredients in the wok, the whole thing finally processed in my brain. Without realizing it, tears were streaming down my face into the rice. I sniffed and hope they would go away soon. 

I suddenly lost my appetite so I served dinner for my brother before running upstairs to get my phone. I dialed Chohee's number and I went back downstairs as the phone was ringing. 

She picked up the phone, and for some reason, I couldn't reply. I tried to tell her that I was here, but all that came out was a sob. I didn't realize that I was now crying. What's sad is that... I wanted to call him.

Luckily Chohee had caller ID, so she knew it was me and kept silent until I seemed to calm down a bit. I didn't know what came over me, one second I was fine, the next I'm crying so hard that I sound like a dying walrus. Once I calmed down a bit, I added Nellie to the call and for the next 3 hours, it was just us on the phone. None of us were speaking and it was basically silent with the exception of my crying. I barely explained anything to them and after another hour, I hung up.

I wanted, no I needed a hug. I wanted to run out of the house and onto the streets. Just find someone, anyone I knew because I just needed a hug from a friend.

My brother was worried, wondering what had happened for me to be in this state. He kept asking me what's wrong, yet I ignored him and told him to leave me alone. 

I kept telling everyone to leave me alone. 

I wanted to be alone. 

But I didn't.

Why can't anyone see through my lies? I'm fine.

No I'm not. 

I'm over it. 

No I'm not.

I eventually stopped crying and cleaned up the dinner table. I tried to distract myself by cleaning. I washed the dishes, and tried to do my homework, but I just couldn't. 

My mind was gone, and all I could think about was why?

 

It was just my brother and I, thank gosh, 'cause I didn't need my mother questioning me about why I was crying. Once I finished cleaning and somewhat finished some of my assignments, I went upstairs and stayed under my covers, just staring at the ceiling. 

My mom came home around 8:30, and wondered why I was already in bed. I ignored her and pretended to sleep. Thankfully, she didn't think anything about it and went to go shower. 

...

The clock soon struck 3am, and I was still awake. Closing my eyes, I finally fell asleep with swollen eyes. 

...
 

The next day, I'm pretty sure everyone knew what happened since everyone was asking if I was okay. Everyone was giving me hugs, and I could see pity in all their eyes.

I don't want your pity. 

You don't know how much it hurt when I found out yesterday that everyone knew except me. 

How could I be so oblivious? I felt so utterly stupid. My eyes were still swollen from last night, and I had an orientation to go to after school with Nellie. Today just wasn't going to be a good day. 

...
 

After school, Nellie and I walked to the elementary school we went to since we were going to volunteer there. After the longest 10 minutes ever, we finally arrived, but we had to cross the field to get to the main building. I ran forward towards the building and I was about to go in until Nellie told me to stop. I walked back towards her and asked why, and she pointed somewhere. At the crosswalk at the school, he was standing there waving. 

I froze and my eyes widened. I knew he lived near, but why was he at the school? 

He didn't think much of it and walked towards us. 

"What are you guys doing here?" He asked staring at me.

I ignored his look, "we're here to volunteer, what about you?" 

"I'm here to see you." 

Time and time again, even before this incident, he has made me cry millions of times. 

"Haha stop joking around, seriously." 

"Eunmi, I'm sorry." He walked closer towards me, but I quickly hid behind Nellie.

"It's fine, I'm okay." I looked away.

"Can I have a hug?" He opened his arms, and I swear I'm the most stupidest person ever, because I was so close. So close to giving in. 

I hugged Nellie instead. "There. I hugged Nellie, and now you can hug her to get my hug!" I smiled.

He gave me a sad smile, and Nellie was upset too. 
 

---

After that day, we never exactly had a normal conversation. I tended to ignore him in the hallways and just avoided him. There were times when we made eye contact, and neither of us would smile like we used to. 

We stopped talking to each other, and everyone was upset since we were such great friends. Nellie wanted us to be friends again, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him. 

That day of the orientation, I found out the real reason he was there, and it was because his girlfriend was also there for the orientation. 

Why did he lie to me and say he was there to see me?

 

...

 

After the orientation ended, Nellie and I walked home together and I couldn't help but feel stupid. I met Coco during my last block today since she was in my Leadership class, and I honestly didn't know it was her. When the bell rung, signalling the end of class, we had left the classroom and our friend Namkyu waved and said hi to her before noticing us. 

I know it's not true, but I felt like I was losing my friends as well.

Am I being replaced?

 

...

 

When I got home, it was unusually quiet until I realized no one was home. Figuring that my brother was at my cousin's house, I quickly showered and dried my hair before leaving the house to go pick him up. I rang the doorbell and waited. Surprisingly, my mom answered the door, and her eyes and face were all red. I was worried and wondered, what had happened? 

Turns out that very day, my grandmother had passed away. 

I immediately broke down crying. My grandma basically taught me everything I knew. She had watched me since I was little, and I watched her when the parents were at work 'cause she had alzheimer's. She was one of the closest people I had in my family.

At that moment, I didn't know what to do. My mom told me she had to fly to Vietnam with my aunt and uncles, and I didn't know how to react. How was I supposed to do all the house hold chores myself? Did she really trust me with the stove?

I went to school the next day and everyone was still worried. I accidentally bumped into him and another one of my close guy friends as I was walking past his locker. Looking up at him, I could not keep my tears in and I started to cry once more. He had opened his arms for a hug, and I completely ignored him and hugged my other friend, telling them what had happened to my grandmother through broken sobs.

My mother was gone for a week, and I made sure to Facetime her whenever I could. We always had nothing to say, and most of the time I would just stare at her face as she watched television, but it was enough to get me through school. 

The week past by so slowly, and I was upset most of the time that my grades started slipping. 

I couldn't focus on my assignments at all, and when I tried to study, none of the information would stick in my head.

That week was terrible, and I couldn't blame anyone but myself.

 

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It's been months since the incident, almost a year now. But I still remember the day like it was just yesterday. We're friends again, and I'm even friends with Coco. Everyone seems to believe everything is fine, and I agree, except a small part of me knows I'm still hurting. 

 

I regret going to winter formal with him. 

 

I regret never asking him why. 

 

I regret not doing anything to stop myself from falling in deeper. Deeper into the hole that seems to never end. Till this day, I'm not even sure if I can see the light. Everything around me is pitch black, and I'm surrounded by shadows.

 

Whenever I lie in bed with no thoughts in mind, I think back to that day. I always find myself thinking... Wondering... Why didn't I say this? Why didn't I say that? Why did I not tell him the truth. To be completely honest, I miss him. We've grown apart, I barely see him, and we never talk to each other like we used to anymore. I feel like I lost him as a friend. 

 

She's perfect. There's no other word to describe her. Deep down, I'm truly happy for him... For them. I'm not jealous. I could never hate her, nor their relationship.

 

I'm just disappointed.

 

Why did he lie to me all those times? 

 

Why didn't he tell me right away? 

 

Why did he think leaving it off for 3 months was a good idea? 

 

Why is he such a coward? Did he think I wasn't able to handle the pain?

 

But most importantly... Why didn't he trust me?

 

I thought you were my friend. We've been friends since third grade and I thought I knew the most about you amongst all our friends, but I found out that I know nothing. Not like you cared enough to know anything about me either.

I found out so many things that day. The fact that you were going to tell me on my birthday... How could you be more cruel? 

 

Happy birthday, you've been friendzoned since third grade. 

 

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If you're reading this, I want you to know that you are, and always will be, one of my bestest friends ever. I cherish every memory we have had together from all the awkward first hugs to just the hello's we say now. 

 

I remember back in elementary when it was sports day, and my parents actually allowed me to go to the mall with our group of friends. Even today our group of friends is huge, just different people. As I was leaving, I gave everyone a hug, and I never realized that it was our first hug. You were so awkward, I didn't even know it was possible to act that way. It was as if you had just noticed me there...

Another memory would be the first time you asked me to dance. I believe it was the Valentine's day dance, and we were both in grade 6. I'm pretty sure you danced with almost all the girls, but the fact that you even asked me still made me happy. It was so stupid too considering I didn't even know you were asking me. 

"Do you want to dance?" 

"Wait what? Me?" 

"Yeah, of course. Who else would I be asking?" 

You can be so sweet sometimes without even knowing. I remember you trying to get me to look up, since the whole time we danced, I would stare at our shoes. Is it stupid that I know the song we first danced to? 

I think by then we would have at least one dance together for all the other dances that happened at school. Except there's only one that I'll truly remember because our friend had taken a picture of us together. My face was literally all red, and we were both smiling brightly to the camera. 

After the dance, we walked back to the annex with the other grade 7's and we were just laughing about random stuff until a friend offered us a bottle of coke. You took it and drank a huge sip before offering it to me, and I was honestly surprised. I've never shared a bottle with anyone before (well except family, but it's family so yeah =.=), and the fact that you were offering me a sip surprised me. Nonetheless, I took a small sip, and I swear I had never blushed that hard in my entire life. It was an indirect kiss, my first kiss! And I know, I know it's lame. As I'm typing this, I'm cringing because it was so embarrassing. 

The most recent dance we went to was winter formal. After the incident, we stopped talking for almost a month. I don't know how we started talking again, but I'm glad we're not treating each other as strangers anymore. When you asked me to winter formal, all I could think about was Coco. I felt like I was guilty of something. I hated you for asking me 'cause you know I'd never be able to say no. The fact that you took my silence as a yes, made me feel like I was the weakest person on earth. Did I fall in that deep?

After a month of crying every single night, I still cared. I wanted to hurt myself somehow in order to forget you, and I felt that going to winter formal with you was the perfect opportunity. 

 

 

The fact that you cared so much about my opinion on your tie made me wonder why. Why are you doing this? Did you think asking me to winter formal would fix everything? To tell you the truth, it did the exact opposite. It also got me wondering, if you never knew I had a crush on you, or if I just never did like you to begin with, would you have still asked me? 

Sad enough, since I know you so well, I already know the answer. Obviously you wouldn't have. You're way too nice for your own good. It's what I like and hate about you. 

Did you know during that one slow song, when I had my head on your shoulder, I was crying. I tried so hard to keep it in, and luckily the lights were dimmed very low, so you never noticed. I can't believe I was so stupid. But you know what? I still cherish this memory because it was with you. 

 

I also remember when I finally got a phone, and we would just text nonstop. You'd be at T&T late at night texting while pushing a cart, whilst I'd be in bed pretending to sleep so that my mom wouldn't bother me. I laughed every time you texted me saying "Brb, I lost my mom." 

 

Those were the good ol' days... 

 

The fact that you have such bad memory makes me wonder if you even remember anything about our past. If I hadn't told you that we've been friends for 8, almost 9 years now, would you have known? Would you have cared? 

 

Did you ever consider me as a best friend to begin with?... 

 

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How silly was I to want to talk to you 24/7. I must have creeped you out so much. I wanted to know who you liked, the type of girls that would catch your eye... To know if I ever had a chance?

I wonder if you knew about all those other girls who liked you too. Did you know they all tried to be friends with me... Just to get to know you? I was jealous whenever you smiled at other girls, knowing that I would never be on your mind. I could never do anything but push away the people who annoyed you, because I wanted to be your shield. I was stupid, naive, a dreamer, and a complete loser, yet you were still nice enough to call me your friend. Who knew it was so simple to replace me... 

 

 

Till this very day, I'm still hurting. Not as much as before, but it still hurts. Every time I see him in the halls, I want to say hi, stop in the middle of the hallway and just talk to him about anything like we used to do. Talk nonsense, lose track of time, be late for class... All those things that made me giggle and feel warm inside, knowing that you knew who I was. I wasn't invisible.

 

But things are different now. 

 

There will never be a chance for me to turn back time.

 

To ask him why.

 

Why did you lie to me?

 

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