She was like any other person in the room, not too special or darling enough to seduced all eyes on her or be dazed at her beauty. Yet, the way she carries herself and her gay laughter seemed to brighten up the room making her the most desirable creature in the entire room. The blonde of her hair has staring to fade off of her thin brown and brittle lock of hair, swaying across the room. From table to table she didn't seem to be able to wear off the smile and light blush on her heart-shaped petite face. People can't help but to chase after her with desires, something they won't have. I think, I fell for that charming wits, that gay smiles, and that light blush that seemed to never wear off her cheeks like everyone had been in the room. It just that this childish crush, this foolish feelings has always been the shadow that chase after me for as long as I have first looked upon her.

There seemed to be an imaginary carpet and bright light that followed her. All eyes couldn't help but to follow after her. Maybe that was everything that she is – a superstar that was unattainable to anyone. But some people liked to closed their eyes and turned their back at her. She tried so hard to pleased undeserving people. She was, despite, the fragility looks a strong-willed woman, who never should be drown upon the large and unknown deepness of the sea. It was an utterly naive determination. The sea will wash and shallow up even the most strong-willed, most passionate, and most innocent ones into a selfish, vain, and opportunist group of people.

We live for the spotlight and shall always die in the shadow of someone else success. Only she refused to be wash and shallow up by them.

“What are you doing there? Let's dance! Don't be so bored!” She pouted.

She took my hand and just as fast letting them out of her hold. The warmth of her hand lingered longer than it should and I suddenly have the strongest urge to run after it. But I should not. It was dangerous and harmful and the thoughts of her alone in the nights was toxic and damaging enough.

“I don't feel too well, Jessica.”

Then, as quickly she refused to look at me once more.

“Congrats, Jessica!” I smiled.

I have always admired and envied of her undying passions. I secretly hated her for it, but I couldn't have been more proud and joyful for the success she should deserves. But then that genuine feelings comes with great burden and make a stronger hold to something that should have been letting go a long time ago.

“Thank you!”

She grabbed me onto her embrace so tight until both of us could not breath. Old habits die hard.

"Gosh I missed this, I miss us."

She held my arms not wanting to let go but did anyway because she had stop hopping for me. Had stop trusting me to not betray her.

I had only wanting to left an unloved career and never meant or want to left my sisters. The thing I loved the most seem to become the greatest burden of my life.

I haven't been able to let go. She have.

They have all been able to let go, accepting the fact that I don't want them. I had been the one who made the decision yet I was the worse in believing that I could forget just as easy as I have left my career. Yet, I'm here feeling more defeated, more terrible about it.

"I miss you too." So much.

"I'm glad you came and visit me on set." I loved her bright smile. It makes me feel safe and unafraid of her abandonment.

Her manager came in, someone new, had called for her and they had hurriedly left.

She was angry at me. I hurt and betrayed her. I betrayed my friend.

I love her, I love them more than my life, but sometimes if you want life you must let go of things and some of the things are a part of your existed. You are then stuck in the middle of wanting to keep it and wanting to move on because you can only have one but you are greedy and want both. I want both.

"You know I just can't believe it. We have a member of the forever famous Girls' Generation working with us in a low pay job like this. It just blow my freaking mind!"

Wanting people to forget about me leaving my group was like wanting me to forget that I have once been in the group. It was something I had wanted, wanted long ago before I have became an adult, knowing other available options.

It was in my opinion a childish dream and I grow up and grew up out of love with it and to feel so unfit in the big shoe. I had stop wanting that light. I had to endured and watched the want ones I loved the most chasing crazily and obsessively for that light. I had become a second lover next to the unattainable lights that does not, in my opinion, really existed.