/////////////
No, it can't be. I can't feel this way. I just can't.
"Heechul!" I nearly jump out of my skin at the sudden voice coming from beside me.
"What?" I ask hesitantly.
"Yah! Haven't you been listening?!" No. I have not been listening, young Donghae. I have been pondering the greatest mystery of life.
I smirk. "Of course!"
"And?" He looks hopeful. Oh, no. Did he just say something important?
"It's brilliant!" Of course it is. Everything my favorite band member does is  perfect. Even if I wasn't listening. Then it hits me, and I realize I can no longer claim that of the young boy. Someone else has already taken 'that' spot. Filled it so completely that I can't seem to concentrate on the most basic tasks. How could this be? Only then do I see the expression on Donghae's face. Uh oh.
"You weren't listening at all, were you?" He asks. Disrespectfully, but I can't seem to mind.
I try to look proud, but it probably comes off as sheepish. "No. Not really."
Donghae sighs. "What's wrong, hyung? You've been acting strange all day."
Was it that obvious? "I. . .I think something is wrong with me, hae." I admit, looking down at the sidewalk.
He nods. "Oh." It takes a moment for me to notice this complete disregard of my problems.
I turn my head to face him. "Yah! If you think t-!"
"Oh no!" He pauses, looking sheepish himself. "I. . . understand. I understand completely." I can't process this immideately, and it probably shows on my face, because he hurries to explain. "I just mean that. . . I mean, don't feel bad. . ." He can't seem to find the right words.
"What are you talking about, hae?" I ask, exasperated and slightly scared.
A pause. "It's Leeteuk, isn't it?"
I stop walking, my eyes widening. How could he know?! I didn't even know until a few days ago! How could he just take my most precious secret and just throw it out there for the world to hear?
After a moment, he speaks, and it's so quiet I can barely hear. "I know. I went through the same thing."
What? Was he in love with Leeteuk too?! I look up, glaring.
He makes furious hand motions "Oh no! Not like- I didn't mean- Hyukjae!" He manages, and it my gaze softens. Oh. So that's how it it, huh?
"How long?" I ask quietly.
He hesitates. "A while."
"Well then." I say.
"Well then." He echoes.
"Cake?" We ask simultaneously.
And I make it through my realization alive.
/////////////
"Oh my god!" He squeals.
I manage a genuine smile before the resentment starts to kick in. "Congratulations!" I should be happy for him. I am happy for him. Just as he would be happy for me in this situation.
"I can't believe it! He. Said. Yes!" We've been over this already. Eunhyuk and Donghae are now an official couple. Eunhae is real. Whoopteedo. If the fans knew, I'm sure they would be. Simply. Overjoyed.
A poisous thought grazes my thoughts. Why can't Teukchul be real? But no, I can't think that way. I have to be happy for my little boy. This is a big day for him.
"Oh. . ." A break in this overwhelming joy is welcome, but why is he looking at me like that? "I told him."
What?
"And!" He hurries to explain. "He said he supports you one hundred percent!He'll even help, if you need it. . ." My face must betray my shock. My fear.
My anger.
I pick up the nearest piece of furniture. Donghae looks cautious.
"Hyung. . .?" Oh yes, respect in the face of a weapon. How could he do this to me?! The thought replays in my mind, over and over, as the furniture goes flying across the room.
"Hyung!" Crack. It dosen't register that I missed. I just find more ammunition, intent on revenge. "What did I do?!" Donghae dodges a vase. Smash.
"Everything!" I screech, throwing a piece of fruit, then moving on to the bowl.
"He can help, I know he can!" Bam! "Just give me a chance!" Crash! Donghae makes a motion to start walking across the room when a large piece of what appears to be egg hits him on the head. The room goes silent, then Donghae's eyes narrow.
He picks up a stool.
I pick up a chair.
10 minutes later
First blood. The turning point in every fight. Every single fight. Even, it seems, a fight between two people bent on revenge.
When the leg of something wooden grazes the side of Donghae's head, I freeze. A sudden shame rushes through me, causing me to run over to the bloody boy and embrace him in a motherly hug. I feel a wetness on my shoulder and I realize that he is crying.
I have done this. The shame is palpable.
"I-I'm sorry, Hyung! I'm sorry!" I can't bring myself to respond. I should be apologizing. Not him. Never him. He hasn't done anything wrong. It was me. Just me. Only me. Simply me.
And now I am crying too.
They find us like this. Broken and Bleeding. And the only thing I can do is glare at Eunhyuk for taking my baby from me. I ignore Leeteuk, the only one I really want to see. I ignore him as I stand, brush myself off, and he steps forward to wipe my tears away with an unbearably tender expression. What's with that? But no. I must ignore, for Donghae. For Eunhyuk and his prying tendencies.
"Food?" I ask the pouting boy being comforted by his lover.
His face brightens. "Yeah!"
And we leave Leeteuk to clean up the mess.
/////////////
"Come back here!" Screams my manager. I've just walked out of dance pratice. Possibly the most important dance pratice ever. Why? The sheer awkwardness. I'd like to say it was between Leeteuk and I because I'd just delivered a passionate confession, but it is not so. It's between me and Eunhyuk. Because of Donghae. And OH, the awkwardness.
"Hyung!" I hear one of the two voices that could make me stop.
I pause, crossing my arms. "What?" I look away as a body appears by my side, pouting.
The lecture I'm expecting dosen't come, and insead Donghae and I stand in silence, the sun shining down around us.
"I'm sorry." He says for the xteenth time.
I sigh. "Don't dwell on it. Nothing we can do now."
"But if I hadn-"
I won't hear it. "Don't say if. It's not good for your mental health." He exhales as I pat him lightly on the back.
"Yah!" Comes an angry voice from the dance studio. I roll my eyes, but Donghae turns.
"Hyukjae!" He sounds excited. I can't seem to work out why. Eunhyuk appears, but he seemes reluctant to raise his voice in front of his delicate lover. Thats one thing I am unable to fault him on. He treats by baby wonderfully.
I try sounding uninterested. "Did you want some-thing?" I make a point of keeping my hand on Donghae's back, and when I pull him closer, I have the pleasure of watching Eunhyuk's eyes narrow.
"If you have a problem, say it now." He spits out, and I smirk, amused at Donghae's confused expression.
I pull out my haughtiest tone. "A problem? What problem?" Donghae squeals as I pull him closer.
Eunhyuk has had enough, and he reaches out, intending to pull his lover away, when a tall body steps out between us. Where are all these people coming from? Can't I go away to sulk in peace?
"What's going on?" Asks our beloved leader. The air around us is hard, and no one speaks. Leeteuk is faced toward Eunhyuk, and is blocking my view, but I can bet he looks pretty embarassed. Then again, I probably do too.
The silence becomes painful. "Nothing." I say, and Leeteuk turns to me. His face is uncertian for a moment, then notes my position wrapped around Donghae. His expression becomes sad. So, painfully sad that I want to cry. I feel like such a horrible person and I couldn't even tell you why.
"Oh. I see." Says the Angel. And he is an Angel. My Angel.
Suddenly, I push Donghae away and walk off into the warm summer morning.
The tears just wont stop, and I pray my Angel has not seen.
/////////////
Intimate note. Intimate. ing. Note. Honestly?
When I hear the announcement coming from my Angel, I assume he means Eunhyuk and I. I exhale from my position on the couch when he announces the participants. Sungmin and Kangin. Of course. Two ploar opposites. Good TV.
"Heechul." Donghae magically apears beside me. How does the kid do it?
I glance over. "Hmmm?"
"I thought it was gonna be you. What with last thursday. . ." He is referring to that day. That dance pratice. Ugh. Like I need reminding. I think I was experiencing a male period. Rare, but not unheard of.
When I make no move to respond, Donghae shrugs and goes to find his lover. That damn Hyukjae.
intimate note
The first half passed in a daze, me being my usual obnoxious self. It was pratically sleep-talking.
Then the producers dropped the bomb. That certianly woke me up. It was like one big BOOM.
What the. ? Oh yes, go set up the tent, Eunchul. Oh yes, we're going to make you ing SNUGGLE, Eunchul.
We're both mouthing bloody murder to each other the whole time. It would've been pretty entertaining, too. If.  I'm not going to bother finishing that thought.
Then the members come into the picture. They shout various insults and I shout back. We're back to the easy stuff.
"Heechul!" My heart skips a beat at that voice.
"Han Yi Seul, Son Ye Jyn, Now it's Kim Ha Neul. Just choose one! Who is your ideal type?!" My confusion must not be universal, because everyone laughs. I remember vague conversations. All lies.
Kangin intervenes. "If you're like that, you'll get caught!" Eunhyuk snickers, and I glare.
"Yah! Leeteuk! Kangin! I've said it already!" I probably have. To Donghae, anyways.
"Sorry!" Leeteuk hesitates, then smiles. "Heechul, I love you!" There is no love behind that statement. Just something that vaguely resembles resentment. When he makes a heart, mine dies.
later
I'm walking up to the dorms after a late night. Everything blurs slightly at the edges, it's very dark in the hallway, and I'm not thinking straight. Definitely not, because when I turn the corner to reach my room someone is waiting for me. Someone who couldn't possibly be waiting for me, because that somebody is someone who hates me. But that's okay. I delight at his slightly irritated face.
"Where have you been?" My angel asks quietly.
I slur my words unintentionally, and curse myself. "Ouut. Why yoush care?" I dont realize the consequence of my words, but when he grabs my hair and yanks my head back, I am centimeters from his face. I can feel his breath on my face, and I realize I am completely at his mercy. I am suddenly very awake.
"Wha. . . "
"Quiet!" He barks, and I go silent. The angel before me is staring intently at my lips, slightly agape. He pulls me closer, our bodies touching now, and I can feel my heart beating at a rapid pace. I think he can too.
"Ah. . ." He inhales slightly, and closes his eyes. I am agnozingly aware of the alcohol on my breath, but he dosen't seem to care. This time I seek the sanctuary of his lips, a part of him that is not capable of hating me. They are pressed lightly together, and are oddly pink.
When he pushes my head closer, he opens his eyes, and for a moment I think I see blind lust in them. But I must be mistaken, for in the next moment he pushes me away, ending our physical contact. Sadly, I think.
"You smell of alcohol. Go to bed." He commands, turning around. He fades quickly in the darkness, and I am left only with the memory of his firm hands and sweet breath in the darkness of sin.
/////////////
Things aren't as akward as I expect the next few weeks. In fact, they are so normal that I'm starting to think I imagined that night. But then again, my angel still treats me like a leper, so. Well then.
Things are still akward with Eunhyuk though, but that's part of the expected.
Donghae, magician as always, appears beside me as I gather my thoughts. We're in the dance studio, watching the others pratice while I sit out in a part that's not mine. And, apparently, neither is it Donghae's.
"How is it?" He inquires innocently. I've told him about the leper thing, but not about that one night. I just couldn't bring myself to, not when I was doubting my own sanity.
I yawn. "Same as always."
"Awww, Heechul." He looks sympathetic, and I take on a reproachful tone.
"No, y0u can not help, you sweet little boy." I know that would have been his next inquiry. I grab him and pull him down next to me. I'm sure the position looks very intimate from an outside perspective, but neither of us minds.
The music ends, and I hear pointed muttering. Thinking it has something to do with me, I turn towards my bandmates, ready to defend, and see a flash of white from the doorway. I glance quickly around the room, taking inventory, and note the one man gone.
My Angel.
I jump up from my seated position and walk calmly out of the room, trying not to attract attention. When I reach the door, I start sprinting for the next hallway, desperate for a glimpse of the man who has been my life for at least a year now.
I can see him through the glass doors, walking quickly along the sidewalk outside. I jog out after him, and when the clang of the doorway dosen't attract any attention, I start yelling.
"Yah!" No response. "Leeteuk!" Can he not hear me, or his he choosing to ignore me? We'll see. "Angel!" I call in a last desperate attempt, and he pauses. He seems to freeze in motion for a moment, then slowly brings his hand up to his head, as if shading his face from the sun.
But there is no sun, only clouds on this cold and windy day. I keep walking, and as I reach his side, I see his eyes are closed.
I hesitate. "What's up?"
He is silent for so long that I don't think he will respond at all. "Nothing. Nothing at all." His tone does not agree.
"Nothing, eh?" But then I begin to see a common pattern, one that couldn't possibly exist. But if it did. . .? "Donghae sure is a good dancer, huh?"
The effect is immideate. His shoulders tense, and he looks over to glare, angry in spite of himself. Aha moment. Ephipany. Lightbulb. Bingo. Yatzhee. Oh my shisus, I think I've figured it out.
"Eunhyuk too." The glare becomes agonized, and I can't bear it any longer.
"But I like the way you sing much better." I end casually. I see his eyes widen, and I can't hold back a smirk. Could it be true?
A stunned silence, then "You do?" He sounds shocked, flattered, and cautious all at the same time.
I bat my eyelashes and lean in close. "Yep." I breathe, hardly making any noise. My hand reaches out slowly, intent on finding his. When it does, I can feel his pulse, and it isn't slow.
"Come on." I pull him back towards the building, as if this was my only purpose for grabbing his hand. "We've got to finish pratice." And he comes. Albeit bewildered, but otherwize willing.
Eager, almost.
/////////////
"Really?" I have just finished explaning Donghae and Eunhyuk's relationship. My new lover seems bewildered.
I lay on top of him, the blanket covering our lower bodies, and nod. "Nearly six months now." I add.
"But I always thought. . . I mean, you were so close. . . " The leader of our group seems very small now, under my power. And I know I have him completely.
"Of course we're close. He's my baby." I frown into his heavily muscled stomach. I can feel him working through this statement and learning to take it at face value. Oh, I hear him think.
"Oh." He says.
I smirk.
later
"That's great, Hyung!" replies my enthusastic baby Donghae.
I stand in front of him, Leeteuk by my side. Eunhyuk glares at me with a slightly satisfied expression from beside his lover. Maybe he thinks I'll lay off now. Oh, how wrong he is. Now that everything has been set straight, all in it's proper place, I won't let him disturb my happiness.
We head out for dinner. A double date, you could say. Except none of the fans look at it that way when they see us at dinner. Or perhaps they do. Perhaps they do and that is what has allowed this happiness. Their wholehearted and innocent support.
I wave and smile.
/////////////
My bed is uncomfortable. It hasn't been slept in for so long. Of course it's uncomfortable. Everything is uncomfortable. There is no comfort in anything. And there never will be. Ever again.
He's left me. He's left me and I don't know why. He's left me and I don't think I'll cry. Because it hurts that badly. It hurts so badly that I can't even force out a single tear.
It's like when your arm gets cut off, and you can't even feel it until much, much later. Because if you felt it now you would be in so much pain that you would go into shock and probably die. It's like that.
Except that it's not my arm that has been cut off. It's my heart.
hours pass
knock knock knock.
What is this sound and why is it bothering me? That is not a sound I'm familliar with. Oh wait, yes it is. From that previous time. That time when I had an Angel who loved me. Not this time when my angel dosen't love me anymore. Not in this terrible time.
How sould I comfront this noise? I don't know. What should I do? Who knows? No one knows. I think I'll go ask him. This No One.
What is this feeling on my shoulder? It's exceptionally physical. Much too physical, since it can't be my angel. No. . .but it could be that other person. That other important person who I can't remember. Maybe No One remembers. Yes, I think that's it.
"Heechul!" Heechul? Is that me? Yes. It is. Who is here? Is it a robber? A murderer? Good. Maybe they'll kill me. The physical feeling continues.
Oh look, now everything is spinning. I think they're picking me up. This important person from another life. From my life with an Angel. What was their name, No One? You can't recall either?
How odd.
weeks pass
I'm sane now. The nightmare is over. But I haven't started feeling yet. It's still just a dull knowledge in the back of my head. My Angel has left me. How odd. Not my angel anymore, is he? No, certianly not. Not anymore.
Donghae comes to visit once in a while. More than once in a while, actually. Once every day, to be precise. He won't stop, even though I have comanded him to. my commands don't hold much weight anymore, do they? I must look terrible. My thoughts continue at a distance.
One morning I decide exercise in necessary. So I run. My first time outside in weeks. It's very refreshing, running in the cold. The cold makes everything duller. Which is good.
 Very good.
months pass
Donghae still comes. I can't seem to work out why. And now Hyukjae comes as well. The more I tell them how well I'm doing the more they seem to come.
Really, I'm doing completely fine. I smile and stress this point every time they come to see me. I'm always polite, and now Hyukjae is a friend. How wonderful. I do love friends.
I still run daily. I'm rather in shape now, if I do say so myself. The doctor, what a wonderful man, told me that i'm down to 7 percent body fat! How glorious.
One day, it starts snowing. Of course, I welcome the cold. Welcome it heartily. As a welcoming present, I run barefoot. It feels great, the glorious numbness. I can't feel a single thing. Why is Donghae so worried? Ouch, that hurts. Why are you putting my feet in such warm water? Lukewarm? No way!
Okay? Of course!
I feel wonderful.
one year later
The snow is here again. It really is beautiful, but it burns me, so I must stay out of it. We're back in buisness now, doing our thing in Super Show. The fans seem to have forgotten that I was once not our leader. They seem to have forgotten the man who ran away and left me.
I can now acknoweledge him as such. I can face reality. My psyciatrist said so.
I'm walking down the sidewalk towards the pratice studio, smiling at all the children playing in the snow.
Then I see something. Something I have secretely avoided seeing, even when it is looking me straight in the face. Something I was not prepared for in the slightest.
A snow angel.
I stop suddenly, trying to erase the image and failing. That's all it takes. That one single image and I'm crying my eyes out. I'm crying harder for all the times I have missed in this year. Because I have not cried at all since he left.
I run towards the pratice studio and Donghae's long forgotten embrace.
later
They all seem shocked to see me, but Donghae still accepts me as he always has.
Then a miracle happens. Their words start to have meaning again.
"Are you okay?!" Asks Donghae.
"No!" I know it is okay to admit this. I am not okay! I have never been okay! Not since he left me.
"Where is he. . .?" I mutter into Donghae's arms, desperate.
"Who, Heechul?! Who so you need?!" Ah, how I've missed emotion, baby. I've missed you too, Hyukjae. You're really worried for me, aren't you? Standing over there watching me embrace your beloved.
"My Angel."
Everything goes black.
/////////////
I wake up in the hospital. I know it's the hospital because everything is white. Oh so white.
And the pain finally begins. The pain deep inside me. The pain that my body has held back out of self-intrest. I'm only just starting to realize that my heart has been cut out.
I bolt upwards, yanking many cords out of my body in the process. One thought Passes through my mind as I set about escaping Donghae and this place: I'll never forgive him for leaving me!