flowers wilt

“Don't… leave me,” Donghyun muttered under his breath, swallowing hard to get rid of the lump in his throat. He sank down onto his knees and his fingers clutched to the white bed sheet, gripping it so firmly that the colour of the knuckles of his hands matched with the colour of the sheet. He buried his face into the blanket in front of him, not only to hide his tear-dimmed eyes and his quivering lips, but to inhale the scent of his lover one last time. His shaking hands brought up the blanket to his nose and he took a deep breath, filling his nose with the sweet, alluring scent of Bora and his lungs with air until they were about to burst. The scent brought up memories from all the time they had spent together, all the moments he had heard her melodic laugh, seen her angel-like smile… the moment they had met and she had smiled at him brighter than the sun. The first time she had grabbed his hand and his heart had almost skipped a beat. A thousand pictures flashed in front of his eyes and he quickly squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to blend them out. He wanted to forget her, to leave everything behind and hide from the world. Her scent had triggered a feeling of despair inside him that was soon followed by an infinite feeling of loneliness. He had lost her. That smile that used to brighten up his darkest days, that had saved him from his own thoughts at times… he would never see it again. He had cried a lot during the past few days as he had seen her slowly slip away from him, and yet he still had tears left. For a moment he thought about fighting the tears that were swelling up, he felt weak for crying so much. But it was to no use and he wept bitterly, not bothering to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his cheeks and wetting the blanket in his hands. His lips silently formed one word, over and over again… “Why.”

It took him all of his strength to sit up and lift his head up to take a look at her. He only glanced at her for a second, wanting to see that lovely smile that used to pull up the corners of her lips every so often. It was gone. Her expression was blank and emotionless and the colour of her face was an unnatural white. She was gone. And with her, all of their future plans were gone as well. The dream of moving in together and making their relationship public had burst like a soap bubble. He broke down again, he couldn’t bear to look at her any longer. A loud noise could be heard as his knees met the cold, hard floor once again and a dull pain in his limbs followed the sound. But he didn’t care about the pain. It was nothing compared to the jabbing pain in his heart. In fact, it was a rather comforting feeling to him, it made him feel alive again. He wanted to feel something that would distract him from his inner disunity. Almost automatically, his hands found their way into his hair and he tangled his fingers into it. Desperately, he yanked at it with all his force and a sigh of relief left his lips as he felt pain. He felt that it was right, and that it was good. More importantly, he felt that he deserved it. It superseded the feeling of guilt that wouldn’t leave him since the moment she had died. Even though the doctors had told him that there was nothing that he could have done for her, he felt as if he had let go of her too easily. He should have believed in her and her recovery. But instead, every time he had looked at her after the diagnosis, he had seen the death in her eyes. He had seen it coming and it had scared him so much that he hadn’t dared to touch her anymore. But now it was different. He had shaken off his fear and he was longing to touch her, to feel her in his arms again. “Only one more time…,” he whispered to himself, his voice shaking and his eyes focused on the floor, “I want to hold you… one last time.”

His numb legs were shaking, barely supporting his weight as he slowly stood up. He hadn’t moved in such a long time that it almost seemed as if he had forgotten how to move. His movements were slow and uncoordinated. The world around him seemed to grow hazy for a moment and he had to reach out and hold onto the bed post of the hospital bed for support. He shook his head and waited for a moment until his vision was clear again before he took one small step towards the bed. There she was. Her small figure seemed misplaced in the huge bed. She had lost so much weight in the past month that if he hadn’t spent every day with her, he wouldn’t have recognised her now. Her face was pale and her gaze was glassy, her eyes were unfocused. Donghyun bit down on his lower lip, shifting his gaze to the side as he felt sadness overwhelming him. He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in and out until he could feel that he had calmed down a bit. It was hard for him to see her like that. Bora had been his sun, the centre of his life, and she had been so vivid that it was hard to imagine that the cold, lifeless person in front of him was her. He bent over her slowly until his nose met the cold, smooth skin of her neck. He gulped hard while wrapping his arms around her tiny body. She had always fit into his arms as if she had been made just for him, but now she almost slipped out of his tight embrace. He pressed himself against her, burying his face in the crook of her neck for a moment. Everything around him seemed to vanish, time seemed to stop as he held her in his arms. The only sounds that interrupted the silence were his own heart beating in his chest and him breathing against her skin. He put all of his love into the embrace, holding her gently against him and cradling her neck with one of his hands. If she had been alive in this moment, she would have been able to see how dearly he had loved her.

After a long moment, he brought up a hand to her cheek with his thumb, like he had always down when they had hugged each other. But the sensation of her cool skin was unfamiliar and it startled him, causing him to pull back his hand in a quick movement. He let go of her and straightened his back, standing up again after the long hug. But his eyes were still fixated on her face and he couldn’t look away. His eyes scanned her facial features and he pictured her smiling. How often had he seen her smile and thought that it was the most beautiful thing in the world? He had thought that he’d be able to see it for the rest of his life, he had thought they would always be together. How wrong he had been! He felt like laughing at his own ignorance. And at the same time, a silent fear had crept up in him. Ever since she had died, it had slowly built up inside of him and it was growing with every minute. It left him shaking and it wouldn’t let go of him. It was that one thought, that wouldn’t leave him anymore: As soon as he would leave this room, life would go on. A life without her by his side. And he just couldn’t imagine living without her. He couldn’t! He wasn’t ready to face the loneliness. He didn’t want to! He had never wanted to be without her, not once in his life! From the moment he had met her, his life had revolved around her. The thought of her hadn’t left him, day and night. His life had been filled with happiness, with laughter, with love… Why did he have to lose all of that? Donghyun grunted loudly and walked through the room, kicking everything in his reach. It wasn’t fair! They had been so happy! A wave of anger overflowed him and he slammed his fist against the wooden table. It was just one clout, but it helped him calm down. He wasn’t a violent person and he wasn’t good at expressing his feelings, but the despair was driving him crazy. He lifted his head slowly and to his own surprise, he found himself facing his reflection in a mirror. He hadn’t noticed the mirror over the table before, but that was probably due to the fact that he had only paid attention to Bora rather than the room she was in. But now his eyes were on his own face as he examined his facial features. His eyes were swollen and red, unlike the rest of his pale face. He had chapped lips and you could tell that he had bitten down on his lower lip out of nervousness countless times. He looked extremely tired, and more like a zombie than a human. For a few seconds, he stared at himself. All the pain he was feeling – he could see it reflected in his eyes. When Donghyun was about to turn around to look at Bora again, a sudden noise made him jump with fright. A knock at the door.

“2 more minutes,” Donghyun rasped in a hoarse voice. He hadn’t spoken very loudly and for a moment, he wondered whether the person in front of the door had heard him or not. But when no one entered the room, he turned around and glanced across the room at the bed. He knew he didn’t have much time left with Bora since her family would come soon, so he rushed over to her. He leaned down over the familiar figure, pressing his soft lips against Bora’s forehead in a gentle but firm kiss only seconds later. “You left me,” he whispered and pain resounded in his trembling voice, “but… you will always… stay in my heart.” He gulped hard, throwing one quick glance at her face before he headed to the door. A single tear drop fell to the ground before the sound of the closing door echoed in the hallway.