I’ve known Zico for years, before his success. I first met him when I had my first part-time job in a mall near where we both live. He started the next day of my first day working. I’m usually a shy girl and don’t talk much, but for some reason, I strike up a conversation, but more of a teasing, with him. So, since then, we’d make small talk and I got to know him a little better. He was fun, a teaser, smart, sometimes a little diva and over time, quite the fashionista. Also, he is very serious with work and what he loves.

Of course, there were a number of admirers that came his way. However, I’m not sure if he does it on purpose or just oblivious to it, he doesn’t take heed to them or realize it. Though, I do realize that he can be rather conservative in these type of things and most of the girls that know him know it. And maybe that’s why the admirers don’t really force their way to his orbit that much. 

My friendship with Zico just doesn’t seem like a friendship like the ones that seem comfortable. Oh, we’re in good terms. We joke around and all, but it’s one of those “I’m comfortable with you, but I’m not comfortable with you” kind of friendship. You know almost everything about the person, but you don’t actually feel like you know the person. I love being around Zico, and the familiarity of being around him is like a magnetic pull to me, but only when I know he’s around. But when he’s not, I can enjoy my own time.

Sigh. I’m not even quite sure if I’m explaining this right. He’s… a friend that I’m fascinated with, and just comfortable being around with even if we’re not talking, but rather self-conscious around him as well. For instance, he’d fix his belt and jeans facing me comfortably, and I’d just act like I’m not looking. Which is really hard to do.

And frankly, I’d love to (I’d really really love to), but I’m afraid to force my way into his orbit.

Actually, It took me a long while before I actually realized it and to admit it too! Probably a year or 2. Our friends around us noticed and realized it way before I did. And sometimes, I blame them (in a joking way) that they brain-washed me to actually “realize” it, saying things like “you both look good together!” or something along the lines of shipping us together. Even my mom “ships” us.

Oh, dear Lord.

I’d blush and try to act normal as possible and make nothing of it whenever our friends make “not obvious but oh so obvious” hints that they ship us in front of him. I just want to dig myself a hole and hide forever or lock myself in a vault filled with water, electricity, food that’ll last me forever, WIFI connection, a computer, an awesome bathroom, a lovely living room, a super comfy bed, a beautiful window view of nature, an unlimited supply necessities, a fully stocked and functional kitchen and a key code to lock and unlock the vault door. Hmm, sounds like a wonderful place to hide forever. Maybe Zico would be tempted to come and hide with me, since I’m pretty sure he’s trying to act oblivious to the all teasing hints. Wouldn’t that rock my world?

~~~~

One time, Zico and I were hanging around at the mall where we used to work at, and met with some of our friends who still worked there. We hung and chatted at a computer/cyber shop with the manager, one of our friends. Zico helped him with one of the computers, as I waited for them to finish I walked out of the shop to a cute trinket shop nearby. While there, I met one of our friend passing by. She called out to me.

“Oh, hey, honey! Long time no see.” She pulled me in into a hug.

“yeah, nice to see you, Ami!” I grinned at her.

“Oh, I have to go. But, listen,” she held onto my shoulders, “we’re having a dinner party on the top floor of the hotel upstairs. Why don’t you come by and grab a bite later?” she suggested, looking at me with her ever hopeful eyes.

 “Uh, yeah sure. Can I bring Zico along? He’s at Mikey’s shop at the moment,” I asked her.

 “Of course! The better!” Sure enough, she grinned and her eyes showed a knowing glint. “See you later then! Make sure you come!” she said before running off to the dinner party on the top floor of the mall.

After Amy left, I looked around some more at the near shops until Zico texted me asking where I was. “You done? I’ll go to you,” I texted back.

When I got back to the shop, I saw him talking with the other staffs. And, as always, the girls were eyeing him with dreamy eyes. I smirked and shook my head. I find it amusing how he has an effect on people, especially girls.

I walked up to him, smiled at the staff and called, “Zico.” He turned and smile. “Met Amy, she invited us to a dinner party upstairs . She insisted.” I told him, stressing on the last word.

Zico chuckled and nodded, understanding what I meant. “Okay,” he turned to the staff members, “See you guys.” And we left the shop to go to the dinner party.

We’ve been randomly invited to dinner events and lunch events at the mall so many times, we just went straight in with jeans and shirts without being questioned or criticized. I’m not sure why that’s even okay.

And after the food and other guest left, we stayed and chatted some more with our friends at a table. It was late, about 1 am, and Zico was sitting beside me. For some reason, he spontaneously rested his head on my shoulder for a couple of seconds.

Of course, I froze and quickly tried to act normal, but I was squealing and dying inside. I saw my friends that were facing us, and I saw the same inward reactions I had from their faces. However, they were showing more knowing and teasing looks.

“Aren’t you both cute,” Ami teased.

Zico chuckled and sat right back up and brushed it off.

I couldn’t forget what had happened. It makes me questioned a lot of things, and made me a bit delusional of what he thought of me and where we were possibly heading. With all the silent tension we had towards each other we noticed recently. But sadly, nothing happened, at least for me.

~~~~~~                                   

For as long as I have lived in this world, I have never cried for someone who wasn’t even in a relationship with me before. But now, here I am, bawling my eyes out in my friend’s car.

“Why did you have to cry?!” I whined/scolded Yenny, one of our closest friends, wiping my tears away and trying stop anymore coming.

“I can’t help it! Everyone was crying!” she defended herself, driving the car, on our way to get some ice cream. “And don’t tell me you didn’t cry after that!”

“I tried so hard not to cry, you know?” I said in a stuffy voice, fanning my eyes with my hands, knowing what she meant by ‘that’. “Good thing he went in already and didn’t see me like this.”

A while ago, we were at the Airport, sending Zico off. His friends were there, his family were there and others who knew him well were there too. I saw them cry and I saw him cry. While I tried my best to hold all my feelings in, until I looked over to Yenny.

Ever since I arrived at the Airport, all I felt was tension.  I said little to him, and shied away, biting my fingers the whole time. And then, somehow, that brief moment, said everything what I wanted to say, even if he didn’t sense it.

I couldn’t forget that moment. Zico was on the other side of the departure hall greeting his family goodbye and I was one the other. I was looking at him, and over the big crowd in between us, he turned and through a gap of heads, looked at me, and for just a moment, we stared at each other. We stared for the briefest and longest moment in my life, and it felt like mutual sadness and longing. My heart ached.

To pursue his dreams, he made the decision to go abroad, not knowing when he will come back home.

With that in mind, I was happy for him and wished for the best. I was ready to try to test my “feelings” for him, whether they were real or just the familiarity that I liked. I knew I’d be sad, but I didn’t know I’d be this sad. Then, I wondered, will he ever know? Will I ever know what he thought? Will I have the closure?

When he came over to my friends and I to say our goodbyes. I felt the tension again. When he got to me, I didn’t say anything, but smiled and waved. Really, what could I have said? I was never emotionally prepared.

Suddenly, he leaned in and hugged me, close and tight. Even though I was surprised, I hugged him back. My chest ached and I felt lump in my throat, begging me to cry…but I held it in.

We let go, and smiled at each other through moist eyes, not saying a word. But somehow, it seemed like we both understood something. Something that clarified the meaning of that stare. Something wonderful, yet painful. Something unspoken.

Then, off he went...to be the successful superstar his is today.

And I never got to say it.