The Best for Us

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I knew what you were up to right when you started coming home so late. I didn’t push that matter so much for I knew that you were a quite busy man. Even when Henry—our adopted child—kept whining on how much you never spent your time with him, I still didn’t confront you. However, everything wasn’t really going like I—or you—expected in the end. I didn’t intend to follow you wherever you were going. I came to your office to talk something about Henry—he was about to enter elementary school at that time—and then I saw Victoria entered your office even before I could step out of my car. I felt something wrong with the way she confidently entered your office, with such a big smile. So, I canceled my plan and wait in the car instead. I almost choked on my own saliva when I saw you—minutes later—coming out from your office with she side-hugging you tightly. And you were smiling so brightly it almost blinded me, if I didn’t know that it wasn’t for me. I decided to follow you and her. And I sighed bitterly when I saw you walking down with her to that cheap motel.

It turned out that I found you slept with that ex-girlfriend of yours. You really were shocked to see me standing in front of the motel door you and her spent the night at. You—stuttering a lot—tried to utter such nonsense words to me. Yeah, it was nonsense for I knew how much of lies those were. You couldn’t deny the fact that you slept with her, the fact that you cheated on me. It was enough to break my heart deeply. I should cry, I should punch you or maybe slapped her. Fortunately for you, I didn’t. I just smiled bitterly and walked away.

You tried to follow me and explain ‘things’ I didn’t even know. You said how much sorry you were for being such a bastard and you cried out loud. Seeing you that vulnerable, I couldn’t hold myself not to cry. I hugged you and you hugged me back, tightly. I thought you were really sorry and that you were out of your sane mind when you did it. Being such a naïve guy I was, I forgave you, pretty easily I might say.

Months later, you showed me that indeed you were sorry and you were being such a caring husband and a loving father for Henry. I was really happy, you know. I thought I made the right decision for giving you the second chance. Though my mommy and my friends warned me a lot about how such thing could be replayed again once a person has done it, I didn’t give too much thought on it. You were faithful to me.

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Oh, how wrong I was…

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We were arguing about me publishing a novel about my life. A based on true story novel.  You were really mad because I didn’t ask your permission about it. But what I could do, Donghae-ah, I was an author. I had to publish story, and I had the deadline. I didn’t write another story for I really couldn’t stop myself to write everything about us. To show the world how much of a man my husband was for being such a caring person though he did mistake. And, you didn’t understand, unfortunately. You slammed the door of our house loudly even Henry woke up from his deep sleep.

“What happened, Daddy?”

“Oh, baby. Sorry to wake you up. It’s nothing. Go back to your room and sleep, sweetheart.” I smiled, not wanting my baby to worry.

“Okay. But where is father?”

“Oh, your father has business to do. Don’t worry okay.”

“Okay Daddy, goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Right after Henry got out from our room, I cried. I cried silently. How I wished you could understand. I was never really mad at you. Not even when you cheated on me. I forgave you easily because I found it hard to stay mad at you when you were really sorry about what you did. However, why did you do that to me? I never knew you could be that angry just because of a certain novel. Tell me, were you really worried about your reputation once I published the story? Were you afraid that you would be judged as a cheater? Was everything always about you, Donghae? How about me? Did you think I would write something about you that could make you bad in people opinion? Was I that low to you?

I spent the night crying my heart out. I didn’t know why I still couldn’t be angry with you. I just couldn’t hate you, not even the slightest. So, I tried to reach my phone and called you, but you didn’t reply. And I realized one thing that that night you wouldn’t come home.

The morning after our argument you finally came home. I tried to smile at you and ask where you were the night before. You made that face. You made that facial expression that you always wore when you were hiding something. Panic—which was not really you—and confused was written all over your face. As if you tried to make up excuses.

“I was at Siwon’s.”

“Oh, is that so? Come here then, have your breakfast. Henry is at school already.”

“No, Hyukjae. I have a very important meeting. I just came home to pick up some documents.”

“Wait, Hae.” You halted and turned around to look at me. Weird was that you were not looking straight into my eyes.

“What’s up?”

“Are you still mad at me about that novel?”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Hae-ah. I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean any bad to you at all. I just wrote things about us. And that thing you’ve done with her was just taking a little part of it. It didn’t mean any big. You don’t have to worry about it. I don’t tell lie, Hae” I am not like you.

“I know. I’m sorry too. I should’ve not exploded like last night. I’m sorry, Hyukjae.” And with that, you walked away. I stared at you until you disappeared behind the door of our room. Why, if you were really sorry, if you did understand me, then why were you still mad at me? Why were you calling me Hyukjae? The name I seldom heard coming out from your mouth. Why was the atmosphere months ago happening all over again?

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I tried not thinking too much about what happened because I didn’t want to burden myself no more. I just wanted to live peacefully. But it seemed that it would not happen so soon to me. I tried calling Siwon to ask him if indeed you were at his home. I just couldn’t get my suspicious feeling out of my head.  What hurt me the most was when I knew that you lied again. Siwon even wondered why you said so for he didn’t even meet you those past few weeks. I was very disappointed at you I didn’t even hear the door being knocked by someone at that time. Without any hesitation I opened the door and immediately regretted what I did.

“Hello, Hyukjae-oppa.” That Victoria girl smiled oh so sweetly I almost thought she was a princess charming. Well, she indeed was charming, though, to you at least.

“What are you doing here, Vic?”

“I just want to meet you oppa. It’s been long time since the last time you saw me right.” She stopped her words and smirked at me “not to mention it was an uncomfortable meeting.” She continued. I knew she did it on purpose to make me jealous. I tried to calm down and answer her. “Well, yeah. It’s been a long time. How are you?”

“I’m perfectly fine, oppa. I’m in my best mood today actually.”

“Oh, finally find your true love, huh?”

“I guess so, oppa. Though, I think I’ve found it for years already.”

I knew what she meant by that. Years ago, you were her loved one. You were each other’s first love. I thought bitterly in my mind.

“You should forget about it, Vic. What happened months ago would never happen again, okay?”

“Are you really sure about it, oppa?”

“Well, of course I am.”

“Then take this.” She gave a CD to me.

“What’s this?”

“It’s your early birthday gift, oppa. Hope you like it, bye, oppa.”

And with that, she left. I wondered what the content of the CD, but it could wait. I had to pick Henry from school. Later that night, I found myself slept in the couch on the living room. I waited for you, Donghae-ah. It was already 10 p.m. when I woke up and you had yet come home. I, then, remembered about the CD thing so out of curiosity I played it in DVD player.

What I heard next minutes later was really disappointing me. It was an audio. And it played your voice. Your voice was not really clear, but I still could catch the words you say. It was about me, novel…and well, Henry. I wouldn’t believe it even a bit if I was not sure that it was indeed your voice. You talked how much you were annoyed with Henry presence. That you and me were being distant since he came to our life. And you were very much disappointed at me, for being unable to give you your own child. How stupid your words were. You should’ve not married me in the first place since you knew I’m a man. I could not—even in the world’s end—give you a child from our own.

I thought my decision to adopt Henry three years ago was such a good thing since you said you were lonely sometime. And you always liked children. I would never think that you could keep so much hatred towards Henry seeing you that care to Henry while we were happily living together. And I couldn’t hear the audio anymore. I stopped it immediately since what I’ve heard next was only moans of pleasure.

Donghae-ah, why did you do this to me? Why did you hurt me all over again? Why didn’t you just divorce me right when your feeling to me was slowly decreasing? Just why did you ask me the second chance just for doing the same mistake again?

That time, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I was really broken I almost vomit. The unbearable pain and jealousy was increasing in my heart. I almost could not bear it.

But, no. I wouldn’t give up just like that. I wouldn’t hurt myself anymore. It was enough for me. I would take the best decision for this matter. I made up my mind quickly I couldn’t believe it myself. Maybe, from the very start I gave you that second chance; my heart was already readying itself from any pain of the same betrayal. Yeah, maybe it was, or maybe not.

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You came home so late that night. It was almost midnight. You startled a bit when you saw me in the living room, maybe wondering what made me up till that late.

“Hyukjae, you’re not sleeping yet?”

“No. I wait for you, Lee Donghae.” You seemed a bit surprised by the way I pronounced your name. I could clearly see you a bit tense.

“Wh-what happened? Why do you wait for me? You should sleep, Hyuk. Don’t force yourself to stay up so late just to wait for me.”

“No, I need to say something to you.”

“You can always tell me tomorrow. You should sleep. I can see that you’re really tired.”

“Well, I have to make sure you would say your goodnight to our Henry first.”

“Doesn’t he sleep already? Come on, Hyuk. I’m tired, let’s go to our room and get some sleep.”

“No! Say goodnight to your son, first!” I screamed a bit and you were really shocked.

“Well, he won’t listen anyway. Why bother doing that?” You said that loudly.

“So, saying a goodnight to your son is a bother huh?”

“N-no. That’s not what I meant, Hyukkie.”

“Don’t ‘Hyukkie’ me, Lee Donghae. Don’t!” Tears slowly poured down on my face. I couldn’t hold it anymore. Standing in front of you was unmistakably a pain for me.

“Hyukkie. What—“

“It’s okay if you don’t want to say goodnight to him. You probably never think of him as your son anyway.” I said bitterly.

“What? What makes you say that? Henry is our son, Hyukkie. I never once think that he’s not.”

“Oh, is that so? Are you really sure about it?”

“Of course I am.”

I abruptly stood up from the couch and took the CD Victoria handed me earlier.

“Then, what is this?” I gave the CD to you. You seemed confused. You took a look at the CD and said, “What’s this?”

“Play that and you’ll understand.”

Hesitantly, you went to the place where the player was and with one confused look you threw at me, you played the CD. To say you were shocked was completely understatement. You froze. You couldn’t move even an inch of your body. It seemed that you nearly got a heart attack even though I just saw your back; I could clearly draw your face. You stopped the player just when it started to play the parts when you moaned in pleasure. Just like what I did the first time I heard it.

“Care to explain, Lee Donghae?” I asked coldly. You turned around to look at me.

“Hyuk-hyukkie.”

“I said don’t ‘Hyukkie’ me. My name’s Lee Hyukjae if you forgot.”

“I, Hyukjae, I-I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to—“

“You did it, again. It was the same betrayal, with the same person, Donghae-ah. And you said you’re sorry. You’re not sorry, Donghae!” I scream wildly and punched you countless times. I was sure that it could wake Henry up but I couldn’t care less. I was so mad at that time.

“Ssh, Hyuk. You’ll wake Henry. Calm down, Hyuk! Let me explain this.” You tried to hug me but I pushed you away. I just didn’t want to be touch by you.

“Don’t you dare touch me, Lee Donghae. Don’t you ever dare!”

“ Daddy? Father?” I turned around and saw Henry walked toward us while rubbing his eyes cutely.

“Henry baby.”

“Why were you screaming, Daddy? Are you hurt anywhere? Did father hurt you somewhere?”

“No, baby, father didn’t hurt daddy.” You tried to approach Henry, but I’m sorry I couldn’t let you. Not anymore.

“No, don’t touch Henry!” I pushed your hand away from Henry. You seemed really hurt because of that. However, Donghae, I couldn’t care less. I kneeled down so I could be as high as Henry. I patted his head.

“Daddy? Why?” Henry asked me hesitantly. I knew he was afraid of this quarrel.

“Go back to your room, sweetheart. I’ll explain everything to you tomorrow, okay?”

“But—“

“No buts, kid. I don’t receive any complaint, okay. Now, go.”

“Okay, Daddy. But please, don’t be angry with father. Goodnight, daddy” Henry turned to look at you, “Goodnight, father.” And he walked away without receiving any answer. We stayed silent the next few minutes, until I decided to stand up and speak first.

“Lee Donghae.”

“Hm?”

“Do you still love her?”

“No. God, Hyukjae, no. I just love you. What happened between me and her was a complete mistake.”

“Is it a mistake, huh? Does mistake happen twice?”

“I-it’s..”

“Listen, here, Donghae-ah. People called me too innocent, too naïve, but, I prefer calling myself an idiot.”

“Hyuk—“

“An idiot for falling twice in the trap you made.”

“Stop it, Hyuk! Look, I know I’m the guilty one here, but please, please forgive me, Hyukjae. I won’t do that ever again. I should not let my selfishness get the best of me.”

“You’d said it before, Donghae. What now? Should I believe you again and then you can easily betray me again, huh. You’ll sleep with her again and then you say ‘oh, Hyuk. I’m out of my mind that time. Forgive me, okay’. Is that what you think, Donghae?”

“No, Hyukjae. Believe me this time. I will never—“

“STOP PROMISING ANYTHING TO ME, LEE DONGHAE!” You could see that it was the first time I yelled that loud to you. 

“You know what. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of being too kind hearted or whatsoever. I’m sick of being so stupid to ever believe in your sweet lies. I’m just sick of you, Donghae!” I cried in front of you. I cried like I never cried before. And it was all because of you, Donghae-ah. I kneeled down, unable to stand up. You tried to approach me and hug me. I let you do that. To be honest, I missed your hugging, your sweet talk, I missed waking up next to you peacefully. I missed all of that. However, time and condition changed, Donghae-ah. Everything changed. You changed.

“Donghae..” I pushed your hands away. Your eyes were red and swollen. Tears run down your face.

“Yes, Hyukkie?”

“I don’t want to be hurt again.”

“I won’t hurt you ever again.”

“I don’t want to spend my life in a misery.”

“No, you won’t.”

“I don’t want to give up my life, Donghae-ah.”

“You don’t have to, Hyukkie.”

“And I don’t want you to give up yours too.”

“No. Why would I?” You smiled oh so sweetly toward me. And I smiled back at you, bitterly.

“That’s good. Now, I know what to do. I know what the best for us, Donghae” You stayed silent upon hearing what I said. You were smart, so slowly you understood what I meant by that.

“Don’t say that you—“

“Let’s divorce, Lee Donghae.”

“No, no, no. You can’t do that to me. You can’t say that. Take back you’ve just said. I don’t want to hear that. No, no, no.” You shook you head frantically, tears started to fall again from your eyes as you grabbed both my shoulder tightly. It hurt me so much seeing you like that. But I had to be tough. I had to be strong.

“No. This is the best for us, Donghae. There’s nothing better than divo—“

“NO! I will never divorce you. Please, Hyukkie-ah. Forgive me. I will never do that again. I’ll do anything for you, Hyukkie.”

“Donghae, listen!”

“No, no, no. I will never divorce you.”

“Donghae!”

“No, Hyukkie. Don’t divorce me, please.” You cried so much.

“Lee Donghae. Listen to me!” You looked at me hopelessly.

I continued to say. “This is for the best, Donghae. We should divorce.”

“The best what? This is definitely the worst thing, Hyuk. I can’t live without you. I love you just so much, Hyuk. Please, don’t do this. Don’t you love me anymore?”

“No, of course I still love you, Donghae.”

“Then why?”

“It is because I love you, Donghae. I love you so much till it hurts.” I caressed your cheek softly. Both of us cried but we couldn’t care less. You touched my hand and kissed it.

“It hurts me to know that you have to tell lies again and again, Donghae. It hurts me to know that you make more and more sins while you’re with me. It hurts me to know how much you want to have a kid by your own blood but I just couldn’t give you. It hurts me even more to know that my love isn’t big enough to make you stay faithful to me.”

“Hyuk—“

“No, listen to me first, Donghae!”

“…okay”

“Donghae-ah, I love you. I will never regret my decision to marry you. You gave me the best moments I could ever get. Thank you so much, Donghae.” I never stopped caressing your cheek, and I never stopped crying either. “Thank you for trying to accept Henry even when you don’t want any adopted child. Thank you for choosing me over those girls as the one you’re married with. Thank you for staying with me these past seven years of my life as my husband. And thank you for loving me, Donghae. Thank you. I really do.”

“Hyuk…hiks…I..I should be the one thanking you. I…hiks…I don’t know what to say anymore, Hyuk. Please, give me one more chance. This time, let’s make it better, let’s make it right.”

“Donghae. There’s no more “this time”. I’ve heard enough of it.”

“But, Hyukkie..”

“You should be strong, Donghae. I don’t know this Donghae. You should be the Donghae I know. You should be the Donghae I fall in love with, even better if you can. Don’t be weak, Donghae.”

“I just couldn’t bear it, Hyuk. I need you.”

“No. You don’t. All you need is to be strong, Donghae. Be a better person. Learn the lessons; then you could be a good leader, for yourself. For your own sake, Donghae.”

You tried to utter words again. I just smiled to you without even listening to all the things you’ve said. I just wanted to look at you a little longer before I couldn’t do it anymore. I just wanted to touch you even just you cheek. I wanted to wipe away all the tears you’ve cried. I wanted to memorize it all. Because I knew I could not do that again.

“I’m sorry, Donghae. I won’t change my mind.”

“Hyukkie.”

“Let’s divorce, Hae.” I pushed you a bit and stood up. You looked startled, but I walked away. I turned around heading to our room. I closed the door quietly and locked it. I’m sorry to not let you in, but I really needed some time alone. I kneeled down and started crying.

I didn’t know saying thing such as divorce could be this hurt.  I didn’t even know that I would divorce you, actually. I love you so much I think that you were the right one, the true love of my life. And to think that I had to give up my love hurt me so much. I love you so damn much I almost gave you the chance again. But, no, I couldn’t be that weak. I’d do everything because I love you, Donghae. I love you. And if loving you meant that I had to lose you for your sake, then I’d do. I’d do it even it hurt me also, even if it cracked my heart. That’s how much I love you. That’s the way I love you.

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If I was asked what the worst day of my life was, I would not think twice to say that that was the day when I had to leave you. Seeing Henry so excited about going on some trip—yes, I pretty much lied to him, I didn’t have the heart to tell the truth to this little boy of mine. He was an innocent child, he would never think that going to picnic or a trip wouldn’t need to bring all of the things we had in the house. I was a little bit glad of that.

“Daddy, Father would join us, no?”

I didn’t know what to say. And just like that, you came out of the guess room where you stayed last night. You looked messed up. Well, we both messed up actually. You walked toward us—me and Henry—and looked at the big cases in the floor. You looked up at me confusedly. Henry ran to you and poked you on your knee.

“Father, you look so messy. You have to take a bath if you want to go on a trip.”

“Henry-ah.”

“Yes, Daddy?”

“Uhm, father won’t come with us.”

“Why? I want father to go with us, daddy.”

“He has something to do. Besides, who will take care of the house if father comes with us?”

“But—“

“No buts, kid.”

You walked toward Henry and kneeled down.

“Hello, little boy.”

“Hi, father. Say, why won’t you come with us?”

“It’s because… I have something to do, baby.”

“And what is that?” Henry kept on whining I had to look away from the scene when I felt my tears were starting to fall and I knew you were the same. And you really cried then. I looked at you but you were staring on the floor, still crying. Henry looked so confused he even looked at me as though asking why father was crying.

“Why are you crying, father?”

You shook your head and then looked up at Henry. You smiled when his little hands wiped you tears and you held his hands. That was a totally heartbreaking scene for me.

“Henry-ah. Father is sorry, okay?”

“It’s okay, father. If you could not make it, I understand. We can always go together sometimes when you don’t have anything to do. Don’t cry, okay? Look, you’re very ugly, father.” Henry said jokingly. You just laughed a bit. I could see how sincere your laugh was. And my tears finally fell down.

“You’re a good kid, Henry.”

“Of course.”

“Let’s make a promise, shall we?”

“Promise?”

“Yes. Promise me that you will be a strong boy and that you will take care of your daddy.”

Once again I had to look away.

“Okay, father. I promise.”

“Good boy.” You ruffled his hair and Henry grinned sheepishly at you. You stood up, still holding Henry’s left hand and walked toward me. I looked at you and smiled a bit. You gave me that sweetest smile of yours as the reply. It didn’t match the scene though. You were crying yet smiling at the same time, but you looked handsome no matter what.

“Hyukjae.”

“Ya?”

“You don’t have to go.”

“What?”

“Stay.”

“I.. I don’t—“

“I’ll go, Hyuk. I’d be the one going. Not you and Henry.”

“No, Donghae. This house is yours.”

“No, mine is yours. So it is yours too.”

“But—“

“I will do anything to you. And if this is what you wanted then I’d do it. I’ll divorce you, Hyukjae. But please, this is the least thing I can do to at least pay for my mistake. This house means nothing compares to the pain I’ve given to you.”

“…”

“I just want you to know how much I regret the things I’ve done with her. But I won’t beg you to forgive me because I know what I did is unforgivable. I just want to say that I.. I love you so much. And my love will never cease for you.”

 Oh my God, you didn’t know how much I wanted to hug you and say the same thing to you. And that I just wanted to forget everything that happened back then but I just couldn’t. Even I knew how much I love you I just couldn’t forget about what happened between us. I just couldn’t forget about the fact that you cheated on me twice, Donghae-ah.

“It is okay, Hyuk. I’ll be fine. I promise you I’ll be a better person and that I will be a good leader for myself. So, you better stay here with Henry, okay?”

“But, how about you?

“I’ll do just fine.”

“Daddy, father, why are you two crying? Daddy, don’t we have to go?”

You turned to Henry and smiled toward him.

“Henry-ah. You and daddy couldn’t go right now. Father will go instead.”

“Huh? Why father?”

“There is this thing I have to do Henry. You and daddy have to take care of the house while father goes, okay?”

“Uh, fine. Because I’m a good boy, I’ll take care of the house. But father, don’t go too long, okay?”

We both could only smile bitterly for we knew that it wouldn’t be like what this little boy expected. You just caressed his cheeks and kissed his face.

“Goodbye, my son.”

You looked at me and smiled again. You did the same thing with me. You caressed my cheeks and kissed me fully on the lips. The kiss was painfully sweet and romantic, if it was not for the last kiss we’d ever share.

“Goodbye, my love.”

And with that, you walked away, not caring even a bit that you didn’t take a bath yet and you still looked messy. You stepped out of our house. Henry asked me a bit confusedly.

That should be the way it is. That is the right thing. And that is the best for us. I know you are maybe really sorry this time. However, this time around, I should be the one making decision to protect my heart. This heart needs no more probability of being hurt again, Donghae-ah.

“It should be “See you”, no? Why did father say “goodbye”, daddy?”

The question’s been left unanswered.

Cause you taught me to let you go,

And there’s nothing left to say but,

 Goodbye…..

END

a/n: thank you for reading this random story. If it is not good for you, I’m sorry because angst story is just not my field. However, if you think this is good enough, then would you mind to comment?

Thank you again ^_^