Dear Jongdae,

I know you'll probably never read this because I'll probably never send it, but I'll write this to you anyways. It's been 4 years since you and I became a couple, a bit over 6 years since we met. I can't believe it. It feels like each day was really long as I lived them but when I look back, it feels like time went by way too fast. I wish we could've spent more time together and I feel that I took our time together for granted and when you left I was left with nothing. I remember the day we met just as if it were yesterday. I really do have to thank Minji for that even though it was really awkward then.

The awkwardness didn't last for very long. Once we found common ground in music, conversation just spouted out. By the time I got home we had exchanged numbers and were good friends. That night as I lay in bed I thought about this Jongdae guy who I thought would become my bestest friend. I was not a loner, but I never had a best friend who I could go to with everything. I had a lot of friends but none of them were very close to me so I always wanted a best friend and I thought I finally found a possible BFF. You and I didn't see each other for a while after that because you lived a little far and the only reason you were here was because you were staying at a friend's house for an exchange program your schools were doing. We kept in touch and I continued to learn more about you and seriously felt like we could've been best friends. I kept hope that we would become best friends but as time went by, those thoughts began to fade. I look back now and realize you were my best friend during those times. I always turned to you to complain about teachers and to ask for advice. I remember wishing I could talk to you in person and wanting to talk like normal friends could so that I could finally have a real best friend for the first time in my life. It was foolish to think you would want to be my best friend too. I imagined having a best friend and I liked it so much I really wanted it to be you. I forgot to consider things from your point of view but we did become best friends. It was really luck for me that you also wanted us to be good friends. Of course, everything was in my head back then because you were still so far away. The day my hopes became reality was one of the best days of my life. Luck was on my side when you transferred to my school almost a year after we met.

School became a happy place for me as we became closer day by day but 1 month after you came to my school, you left it. You graduated from middle school a month after you came and I was left behind in middle school. I had finally found a best friend I could laugh with, confide in, and just be myself with but then you left. I was worried you wouldn't care about me when you went to high school but you proved me wrong. You made time for me and we continued to be BFFs and continued to meet each other almost everyday. If we couldn't meet, we would find time to talk or at least text. I remember the time that kid came up to us and asked if we were siblings. Do you remember that? I think he was in your grade because I didn't see him around school. I always smile when I remember that time. Does he still believe that?

Soon after you entered high school, around the same time that that incident happened, I heard you sing for the first time. I'd heard so much about your singing from Minji and others, but I'd never heard it myself. I don't think you realized you were singing. We were heading over to a store to get an after school snack. You sang Hug by DBSK or TVXQ. Whichever they go by. Your voice was so unexplainable in a good way. I never knew anyone's voice could be so flawless. You could go low and high. I swear you have no range. Your voice was, and still is, pure heaven even if some of the words to the song were a bit... Yeah... ㅋㅋㅋ I fell in love with your voice that day. I remember being jealous of your vocal skills. I still am ;)

I don't remember exactly when we got our first couple item. It was before we were a couple. Was it after I fell for you or before or as I was falling? I don't know. I know this is out of context of the letter but I just want you to know how much they mean to me. All I know is that the headphones you got me were a great strength to me over the years. I'm actually using them right now as I write this. Back then, it was a sign of friendship but over the years it's become so much more to me. There are so many memories associated with them. From the day we bought them together to the times we listened to music together with them to the video calls with these on while you were training. The headphones were the first of many couple items we would get for fun before we actually began to date and after we began dating. I loved every single item from the shirts to the rings to the bracelets to the socks to the jackets to the cases to the wallets and everything else and all the memories associated with each item. People began to notice, of course, and I remember blushing and getting made fun of more for blushing. I'm looking at every couple item we had right now and I can't believe it took us so long to get together when we were pretty much acting like a couple and there were always trying to push us together. I'm not complaining though. I'm happy with the pace we took and the experiences we shared.

We continued to meet almost daily as I went through 9th grade, my last year in middle school, and more and more people from school began to notice I always hung out with you after school. It didn't take long for my friends to begin teasing me about you and shipping us together. It had now become an inside joke that you were my brother so I would reply that it'd be weird to date my brother. The teasing never stopped completely. It was on and off for forever. Sorry oppa, but back then I had no interest in boys what so ever. I wasn't like the other girls falling in love every other second. I was completely focused on my studies and hanging out with my favorite oppa. I had never dated anyone and had turned down offers before. I didn't care for dating at all. I didn't see any boys as anything other than friends and brothers.

Those thoughts began to change slowly as I spent more and more time with you. You were so kind and yet such a troll as well. I began to enjoy your company more and more and slowly I found myself falling for you almost a year after I met you. I never thought that would happen. I didn't want it to happen. What if you found out? We'd get so awkward! I had seen other girls fall for you then a week later fall for another guy. I had seen girls obsess over you to a degree that it was kind of freaky. I never thought I would fall for a guy like you. I always said my ideal type would be a cute guy who was older than me. He would be manly yet childish at the same time. He needed to be taller than me and have good grades, he needs to be able to accept me for me. Now that I think about it, you fit my ideal type perfectly the whole time and I just didn't realise it.

The day you confessed was one of the greatest days of my life. I remember everything so clearly. I remember running out of science to go meet you in front of your high school. We hung out after school almost daily but that day was different. You told me how you felt about me and asked me to accept you. I remember all the little gestures you made and the exact words you said. For me, it was a dream come true. It was everything I imagined it would be and more. It was so much more. The sweet words and the kind actions that made my heart go crazy that day. The day you confessed will be forever engraved in my mind along with all the other memories we've made together.

The day after you confessed and I accepted, we went on our first date. It was a perfect Saturday though things didn't go exactly the way you planned. The day is still crystal clear to me. I loved every little thing you did for me. I look back now and realize that up until that date, I was having a puppy love. I was young and was having a school girl crush on my best friend and nothing more - until that date. That day, I fell head over heels and I've never looked at another man since. I got to see you in a new light because now I was allowed to face my feelings and not have to hide them. I knew we were still young but somehow my heart already knew that you were going to be the one who would be there for me through evrything and that I could always rely on you and that you would always be there for me. I knew from that they on, and still do, that I was in love with a troll named Kim Jongdae.

We were a unique couple. As we continued to enjoy our dates and our affections for each other grew, we changed though it wasn't obvious to others. To others, we were still a couple that looked like they could be dating, related, or just close friends. We were so very different from the other couples around us that lasted a few months max. It was a way of life for the others. Breakups happened everyday. I didn't understand why someone would cry over a 2 month relationship and have a new crush in another month or less sometimes. I had reasons for not wanting to date in high school or middle school. I knew a simple truth, all relationships end in either separation or marriage. I knew it would be too early to think about marriage, but I didn't want to go through the pain and drama of breakups. People say "How do you know he's the right one if you've only dated one guy?" You know when that person is right for you. You love them to pieces and they love you back. You know that both of you are willing to do almost anything to make it work - even if it means giving up something precious. You both value the happiness of the other over your own. I know that marrying the first guy you date and having a good healthy marriage is possible because my parents managed it. I admit when I accepted your confession, I didn't know that I would fall for you the way I did, or that we would last as long as we did, but I know I don't regret anything. We were both madly in love and while others were following their raging hormones and "that tingly feeling," we were following our hearts and shared a deeper bond. I've never met anyone else who I've shared the same connection with or anyone who I could be so open with. No one even came close. I just want to thank you for the unique relationship we managed to keep up through all the drama of school. 

Our first anniversary came a lot faster them I thought it would. We didn't do anything too elaborate. I think our 1 year anniverary passed more calmly then some kids' 1 week anniversaries.... I'm not complaining. You know I don't like that kind of attention on me so we spent our anniversary quietly by ourselves after school. It wasn't a huge deal. We went to the park and you sang to me. It was definitely the greatest anniversary I could ask for. You knew me so well and I felt bad because I didn't do much. You've done so much for me and I felt like I couldn't do enough for you. You always paid and planned everything and always gave into what I wanted. That day I felt that a lot more and it made me love you more - if that was even possible. My gift to you paled in comparison to all the love you've shown me. I just want to tell you how much our relationship meant to me. Those years that we had together were the best years of my life - no competition, so thank you for coming into my life and leaving such a perfect mark on my heart. 

The day you came and told me you were going to audition for SM, you came to me looking for your girlfriend. As the audition and the battle for the spot as a trainee went on, you came to me for your best friend. You told me about this other really talented guy named Byun Baekhyun. You told me how you two were helping each other through and that you guys agreed to support whoever made it. I could tell you were worried. You were being you and being the stupidly kind kid you are and I know you really wanted that spot, so I respect you for being able to help your competition. I feel like you were the strong one through that (like in everything else) and I'm truly grateful to have been able to meet someone like you, and wish I could've offered more.

I remember when you came and told me you got accepted into SM. I was thrilled, you were thrilled. It was a little after our 1 year anniversary. You told me about Baekhyun who auditioned with you and all that you two had been through. In the end though, all those worries were no problem. You both got accepted into SM entertainment and became trainees just like I told you you would. So many people have told you that you had a great voice and you knew you had the skill, yet you still doubted yourself. I remember wishing you could see yourself and hear yourself the way I did so you would know how great you really were. The news was not a shock to me, but I would be lying if I said I didn't worry, so when you told me you got in, I was so freaking thrilled. I don't remember ever feeling so happy about something except when you told me about your debut and your predebut teasers or whatever SM called those songs before your debut.

The news about your debut came a lot faster than I expected. I was so freaking happy for you, but I was sad too. I knew that once you began getting ready for debut, that you would have less time you already did. We both knew the smartest thing to do would be to break up because you would have no time because of training and you would soon have a fanclub who would hate it if you were dating, but we couldn't. We'd grown too attatched.

The day you were announced as a member of EXO. December 29, 2011. I watched your performance. I couldn't keep my eyes off of you and I noticed, neither could the fans. That was the day it really hit me. Before, I could always call you or text you and know I could see you again, but suddenly, it wasn't possible to see you. Sure I could always message you privately, but we couldn't keep up this our relationship. I knew I needed to step down from the position as your girlfriend, and even best friend. If I were to remain where I was, not only would I hurt myself, I would, more importantly, hurt you and your career. That night was the last time I saw you in person. I asked to meet though I knew I shouldn't. We saw each other for only 30 minutes before you and I had separate. I remember the look on your face when I told you that we should break up and stop contacting each other. I remember your face as I explained that I didn't want to hurt you. I remember your face when I told you I would be your #1 fan for my whole life and that I would continue to love you. I remember the way you begged me not to leave completely and that we could stay in touch. I was so tempted to agree, but I knew I shouldn't. You don't know the turmoil that was going on inside me. I wanted to, yet I didn't. I hope you never have to go through something as painful as that ever again. I hope you never feel the pain I felt that day as I took the subway back home, away from you. 

I never really got over you. I hope you know I love you just as much I did then. I'm content with what I have right now - or I try to be. I sometimes daydream about what it would be like if you were still with me and I always snap myself out of it. I know if you were here, you wouldn't have reached your full potential and your voice wouldn't have been shared all over the world the way it deserved to be, so I contented myself by listening to your voice. I'm the biggest EXO fan in my group of friends. My bias is you of course. I own every freaking EXO thing there is. I have every album, the photobook, a lot of the merch, a ton of posters, and I even carry a Chen photocard in my wallet. I know I'm the one who let you go, but I miss you so much. I want you to know that even though it ended up hurting us in the end, I never, even for a moment, regretted the times I spent with you. I wish I could be next to you right now, but I know that I can't so as my last request to you, I want you to be happy and successful. You have your 11 new brothers along with Jongdeok oppa and your parents, though you can't see them all too often. I'm sorry about Luhan and Kris. I know you were close with them after living with them for a while. I hope you still keep in touch with them. I don't want you to lose those two brothers. I also want you to know that even if I'm not making it obvious, I'm here rotting for you quietly in the background. Promise me that, if I do send this, though I probably won't, that you won't put your career on hold for me. I want you to be happy. I know you may think you can't be happy without me, but you can. I've seen you genuinely happy after I left. I know you can move on and you probably already did, or at least forgot with your all too busy schedule. You might've gotten over me completely and I might be mising you by myself and I would prefer it that way. If you've already forgotten me, it means you're happy and there's nothing holding you back. I'm thinking too highly of myself. You're an idol. Of course you don't spend time thining about me- that would drag you down and you see girls all day, everyday. Well, I've never forgotten you.

I'm sorry if this brings back memories and I set you back. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you when we were together. I'm sorry that I made you cry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that I had to let you go but I wouldn't change that if it meant you giving up your career. I'm sorry I was holding you back. I'm sorry you had to do so much and give up so much for me. I'm sorry I couldn't always be there for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better girlfriend. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better best friend. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better donsaeng. I'm sorry I'm selfish and that I can't completely let you go. I'm sorry I never went to your fanmeets or concerts. I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite asking you to move on while I linger. I'm sorry if this sounds clingy. I'm sorry if I'm thinking too highly of myself. I'm sorry my writing and that this is doing a y job of displaying my thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 

I never stopped loving you and have been your fan this whole time. I hope you can forgive me for being selfish and following you from afar when I should have let you go. I kept myself from going and seeing you in person because I know if I went, I wouldn't be able to control myself. I hope you can understand me and leave a space for me in your heart even though I know asking that is selfish. I'm sorry Jongdae oppa. I'm sorry I can't be there for you, but I just ask you remain happy with your members and family. If ever I find out you're dating agian, I'll be happy for you. I'm being sincere as I say that. I will be slightly sad, but much happier that you are happy. I want you to know that whatever you do, I understand. Unless, of course, you go and kill someone or something, though I know you won't since you're a person that is "so kind they seem like a fool" according to Chanyeol ssi and I have to agree ;) Always remember that though I lost the title of BFF and girlfriend, I'm still your #1 fan who wants to be there for you and is watching out for you from afar. There are so many words I wish I could say and so many things I can't express properly to you. I'm writing this now, hoping that somehow, you'll understand my heart even if you never see this... I miss you and hope you'll be happy forever

Missing You Greatly and Wishing You the Best,

Im Hyunji