“Okay, I’m going to need for you to answer all of my questions truthfully. Spare my feelings and just give me an honest answer.”

“Okay.”

“ Do you love him?”

“Yes.”

“Have you always loved him?”

“In a way yes. At first it was more of a brotherly love but it grew.”

“Do you know when you started feeling like this towards him?”

“No, it just grew as time went on.”

“Did you ever love me?”

“Of course I did. It’s just that my feelings for him became to be too much.”

“Did you ever love me as much as you love him? Honestly.”

“No.”

                Himchan just sat there across from JongUp taking in his answers.  The fact that JongUps love towards him had a measurement was sad and hard to believe. JongUp had always been so good to Himchan and he thought they’d last forever and he had truly fallen wholeheartedly in love with JongUp. He thought they’d last forever; not just 3 years. It’d been a month since their break up and Himchan just wanted answers as to why JongUp wanted to breakup out of nowhere. At first he had thought that it was a joke and that JongUp was just trying to be funny but the day they broke up he seemed so serious that the emotional shock wave didn’t hit him until hours after JongUp had left and he was left alone in his apartment.  He cried for a week not wanting it to be a reality, he slept most of his time hoping for JongUp to wake up next to him and tell him it was one big cruel joke. But he always woke up alone and crying.

“Are you guys together?”

“No. I haven’t told him how I feel.”

“Are you going to?”

“Maybe. Maybe sometime soon. Hey, can I ask you something though?”

“Sure.”

“Were you hurt? When I… you know?”

“Of course I was hurt, the whole time. I just didn’t say anything because I expected you to come back to me because I thought you needed me as much as I needed you. But I guess not, so I stayed home so you wouldn’t have to see me out.”

“I’m sorry. I really did love you, you know. But it just faded, I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I didn’t feel anything and then my feeling for Yongguk had always been there just submerged under my feelings for you.”

“I know you did. Is it sad to say that I’m jealous of Yongguk? You two aren’t even together but I’m still jealous. I shouldn’t be because you aren’t even mine, not anymore at least.”

“I still want us to be friends. I hope we can be.”

“Maybe someday. But not anytime soon. Not when I still harbor feelings for you and not when I feel like this, but maybe sometime in the future we’ll meet again and we can be friends.”

“Will you be okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m just not happy.”

                JongUp looked up to meet Himchan’s eyes but was met with emptiness.  His eyes seemed vacant and transparent. No matter how hard he peered into his eyes he was galaxies away from the café.  Physically he was there but everything else was far gone. JongUp knew that he had done that to him, he took away the light in his eyes and the happiness from his soul. He felt terrible knowing he was responsible for doing this but he didn’t feel anything for Himchan, not anymore. He saw Himchan get up and take out his wallet taking out a few bills from it placing them on the table. A small “goodbye” left his lips before he left. JongUp just sat there staring at the seat previously occupied much like Himchan, he used to be so full of life and now he was empty. He looked out of the window of the café and saw Himchan standing at the cross walk, everyone began to walk but he just stayed there staring off.  When the timer almost ran out Himchan regained his senses and checked for cars and ran across the street.  JongUp just looked after him until he was no longer visible. He stood and put his own money on the table to cover for his part of the bill. He left the café and headed to his own apartment.

                Later that day Yongguk had passed by JongUps apartment in order for them to go and grab dinner together. They went and ate. JongUp had lied to Himchan earlier that day, Yongguk and he had gotten together already. He just didn’t want to tell him because he had seen how broken he already was.

“Did you tell him? About us I mean?”

“No. He already looked so broken, I couldn’t do it.”

“Are you going to tell him eventually?”

“I don’t think I’ll see him again. I asked to be friends and he said that we might be friends again if we completely forget about one another and then meet randomly again, but that’s the only way we could ever be friends again.”

“Oh.”

“Yea.”

“At least we’re happy now.”

                Jongup looked down at his lap and nodded. Sure he was happy but what about Himchan did he get a happily ever after. Did he get his prince charming?  Did he get to live his life? All these thoughts wondered around his mind as he continued to eat with Yongguk sitting across from him as he held his hand. Once they finished dinner they left the restaurant and decided to walk around for a bit before going home. Yongguk held his hand the entire time. They didn’t talk much until they reached Jongup’s apartment.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yea. Same place?”

“Same place.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Hey don’t think too much about Himchan, things happen for a reason.  He’ll meet his soul mate soon.”  

                Jongup just nodded before kissing Yongguk goodbye. He went inside and sat on his couch. Jongup couldn’t stop himself from thinking about what Yongguk had said. Would Himchan find his soul mate? Had he already found him and just let him go? He remembered his mom telling him stories when he was younger of people always gravitating towards their soul mates but only few people actually stayed and got to be with their soul mates.   Most people met their soul mates but got tired of them after a while and just let them go and regretted it the rest of their life. He had asked her how someone knew they let their soul mate go and she always replied “because you never forget them. No matter how many other people you love in your life you will always remember their face clearly and all the things you did together will be engraved into your memory.” He’d always thought that soul mates weren’t real because at the age of 21 he had had his fair share of relationships and when they were over it was quite simple for him to forget details and even the person’s face. He didn’t expect for Himchan to be any different than them.

                As time passed though, Himchan stayed engraved into his mind and heart. Although he was happy with Yongguk he always thought about Himchan. Every time he’d stop by at a coffee shop he’d order an iced Americano even if he hated the taste of it, to him it was a reminder of Himchan and it brought happiness to him even for just a few minutes. After the day that he and Himchan had talked he hadn’t seen him, not anywhere. It’s like he hadn’t even existed to begin with.

“Hello.”

“Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Do you remember when I was younger and you used to tell me about people’s soul mates?”

“Of course I do. Why do you bring that up?”

“Did you ever find your soul mate?”

“Yes. I did.”

“Is it dad?”

“…”

“Please mom, I want to know.”

“No, it’s not him.”

“What happened to your soul mate?”

“I let her go. To live a normal life. I met your father and I feel in love with him, but to this day I still think about her.”

“Her?”

“Soul mates aren’t based off of gender.”

“Have you seen her?”

“Not recently. She moved to Germany with her family.”

“Oh.”

“Why do you ask? Did you find your soul mate?”

“I think I let him go. I let him go a long time ago.”

“Sweetie, can I ask who it was?”

“Himchan. Kim Himchan.”

“The boy you dated before Yongguk?”

“Yea.”

“How do you know he’s your soul mate?”

“Because it’s been 4 years since we broke up and I still remember every single detail about him. I remember his laugh, his scent, how his hair felt as I ran my fingers through it. I remember everything and I feel so stupid because I was the one that broke up with him. I’m the one that said we should break up because I “fell in love” with Yonguk. But do you know what’s sad?”

“What?”

“When Yongguk leaves to go perform for long periods of time I sometimes forget how he looks like or even what he sounds like and whenever he comes home he surprises me because I forget that we live together sometimes. I mean, I do love him, but I feel so regretful for leaving Himchan. I still remember what his face looked like the last time we saw each other, and I remember the exact clothes he was wearing and that he was wearing one of my colognes that I had left at his apartment. I remember everything about him and I’m just waiting for the day that we bump into one another so that I have a reason to leave Yongguk without making him feel like he wasn’t important in my life. “

“Honey, maybe you should stop waiting for Himchan to just show up so you can bump into him, maybe you should be the one to take action and find him. I know how it feels and I don’t want you to be like how I am now.”

“Can I ask you something before I go?”

“Sure.”

“Do you regret leaving her and marring dad and having me?”

“No. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I did go back to her but then I realize I made my choice and continued to live my life as a wife and mother.”

“Thanks, for listening.”

“It’s no problem sweetie. I love you.”

“I love you too mom.”

                Jongup hung up the phone and just continues to stare at the picture of him and Himchan that was lying on his lap.  He heard the doorbell ring and went to answer the door. A man with flowers was standing there holding them out with a card. He accepted the flowers and read the card.

“Have a great day babe. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to wake up next to you. I’ll see you in 2 weeks. I love you.”

                Jongup didn’t have to wonder who they were from; he already knew they were from Yongguk.  He always sent him things when he was away for long periods of time.  It’s been going on like this since they had gotten together. He thanked the delivery man and then closed the door once he left. He put the flowers in a vase with water and set them on the coffee table. He stared at them for a long while thinking of what his mother had said. Should he go out and find Himchan? Would Himchan be so easy to find? He had no idea where to even start looking.  He was pulled out of his thoughts when his phone began beeping signaling him that it was time to go to work.  He got up and changed in a hurry. He was out the door and headed to work within minutes. Once he go to work he clocked in and put on his ultra-fake smile for the customers as they walked in and greeted them begrudgedly. He didn’t blame them, he didn’t like going into a store and being greeted by an overly happy employee that hates their job and just wants to leave as soon as possible.

                Yongguk had previously told him to quit his job that he didn’t need to work, that he’ll take care of them both. But, Jongup really just wanted something to do aside from sit home and watch TV. Sure he hated his job but so did everyone else that worked at the mall.

                Once his shift was over, the mall was closing so he had to check everything and clean up before he left. His coworker helped him do everything so they could both leave as soon as possible. Once everything was done, they the alarm and locked the doors and left. As they walked towards the exit they split ways. Jongup going towards the exit while his coworker walked towards the employee parking lot. They said goodnight and parted ways. Once Jongup reached the exit he stepped outside and shivered from the cold, he wrapped his sweater around him more securely to keep him warm. On his way home he passed the café that was placed a few blocks away from his apartment, he’d stop on occasion and grab some hot chocolate or and iced Americano.  He was tired but in a way he didn’t want to go home. He wondered in and sat at one of the tables waiting for one of the waitress’ to take his order. Although it was almost 11 the café was still slightly busy and he saw the workers scurrying around trying to satisfy everyone’s orders.  When a waitress finally got to him and asked what he wanted to order a voice behind him spoke.

“Hot chocolate, 2 please.”

                Jongup turned around and followed where the voice came from. He saw Himchan standing slightly behind the waitress before walking over and taking the seat in front of him.  The waitress looked at him for confirmation and he nodded and saw her walk away. Himchan sat there looking at him waiting for him to speak. After a full two minutes did Jongup say anything.

“What are you doing here?”

“Getting hot chocolate. You?”

“No, I mean here, as in why did you show up in front of me?”

“I was never trying to hide myself. You just never looked hard enough.”

                Their orders came and they thanked the waitress and began to sip on their hot chocolate. Jongup looked at Himchan, his previously platinum blonde hair was now dyed a midnight black. It looked good on him even if it did make him look slightly pale. He saw a few strands of hair fall in front of his eyes as he took a sip from his drink so he reached across the small table to brush his bangs behind his ear. Himchan just looked up at him and smiled.

“Thanks.”

“Mm.”

“So, how have you been?”

“Terrible. You?”

“I’ve been good. Why terrible?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Mmm. Are you still together with Yongguk?”

“Yea. Are you seeing anyone?”

“No. I haven’t seen anyone since we… you know.”

                Jongup nodded and went on to stare at his drink for a bit before looking up and seeing Himchan’s face looking out of the glass onto the street. He looked out as well to find that it had started to rain lightly. He thought about Himchan and Yongguk and what they both meant to him. He knew that Himchan was his soul mate; he needed to be with Himchan. He saw Himchan’s hand resting on the table and without really thinking about it he took it in his hand and laced their fingers together. Himchan looked at him with a questioning look on his face.

“I miss you. I really do. Leaving you was probably one of the stupidest things that I’ve ever done in my life.”

“What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done then?”

“Thinking I could get over you.”

                Himchan just stared at their hands together. It’d be a lie to say that he had gotten over Jongup, because he was still so in love with him that it drove him to tears at times.

“You have Yongguk.”

“I know. But, he’s not you.  He still doesn’t even know how I like my hot chocolate.”

“Half hot milk half cold milk and too much sugar for it to not be possible that you don’t have diabetes. And three mini marshmallows in the center.”

“You remember?”

“I haven’t exactly forgotten anything.”

                Jongup unlinked their fingers and took hold of Himchan’s hand in his as he brought it up to inspect it. He remembered every line and crevice of his hands. He remembered the how smooth they were at the palms and them calloused at his fingertips from playing the guitar as a teen.  He bought Himchans’ hand up to his cheek and rested his face on it.  He turned to kiss his palm and as he did he caught a glimpse of something he wasn’t expecting – Yongguk across the street looking into the café directly at him. Himchan turned to look and he saw him as well. He retracted his hand from Jongups’ hold and got up in a hurry. He paid for their drinks and was about to leave when Jongup stopped him outside the café. He hugged him from behind with his head buried in between Himchan’s shoulder blades.

“Please… don’t leave me. Not when I barely found you again. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for making you feel the way I did but please, just… don’t leave me. I’ll do anything.”

“Sorry doesn’t cure everything that I had to deal with Jongup.”

“I know, but all I’m asking for is a chance. I know that we’ll never be the same but I want to try I want to be with you. I don’t want to look back 10 years from now and know that I let you walk away from me just because I was too scared to go after you. In 10 years I want us to be together living together with our family and we’ll adopt as many kids as we want and we’ll have a cat and a dog and maybe even a fish if you want.”

“What about Yongguk? Don’t you love him?”

“I do, I love him, but he’s not my soul mate. You are though.”

“How do you know?”

“Because before you I was able to forget everything about my past partners but you, I remember every little detail of your body and your voice and I remember the feeling of running my fingers through your hair in the morning and I can still feel your lips on mine when I try hard enough. I remember the warmth that I felt when I you’d show up to my work and bring me lunch or come after I got off and we’d walk back to my apartment holding hands and how we’d try to cook dinner but it was really you cooking as I just sat on the counter watching you and stealing kisses whenever I could. I remember all these little details from when we were together but with Yongguk I sometimes even forget what his voice sounds like until he talks to me.”

                 Himchan turned around and saw Yongguk standing behind them. His expression was sad but understanding. He had heard everything that Jongup had said. Himchan smiled at him with sympathy as he held Jongup in his arms. Yongguk smiled back at him before turning around and walking out into the uncovered street where he began to get wet from the rain. He let go of the piece of paper that was in his hand and the slight wind blew it towards Himchan and Jongup.  It hit Himchan’s foot and he let go of Jongup to pick it up and saw that it was a picture of them when they were together. Jongup looked down at the picture and realized it was the same picture he had been looking at before he left for work that day. He turned to look for Yongguk but he only saw him retreating.

“Aren’t you going to go after him?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because right now, you’re what I care about.”

                Himchan took him into his arms and just held him. Jongup felt his phone vibrate in his pocket he didn’t mind it though. When they pulled away Jongup took out his phone and looked at it. It was a text from Yongguk.

“I understand. I’ll leave. I’ll have YoungJae or Zelo pick up my things from the apartment when I get back. We stopped from Japan before we left again, I was supposed to surprise you, but I guess it didn’t go that way. But at least I know that you did love me. I hope that you’re happy with Himchan, I really mean it too. I know that you left him because of me but finding out that over the past four years he was still in your heart makes me feel like I robbed you away from him.”

                Jongup read the message before putting his phone away. He looked up to see Himchan looking at him.

“What’s the verdict?”

“You haven’t told me your answer?”

“For what?”

“If you want to spend the rest of your life with me.”

                Himchan’s eyes glazed over and small tears began to form, he blinked rapidly trying to make them go away but a few fell and Jongup reached up to wipe them away. Himchan let out a choked laugh and nodded his head before burring his face in the crevice of Jongup shoulder as he hugged him. Jongup let out a small laugh as he griped onto Himchan tightly a few tears escaping his eyes.

“Thank you. So so much.”

“I love you Jongup.”

“I love you too. I love you so much.”

                They stood there hugging one another for a few minutes. Himchan pulled away first bringing his face down slightly to kiss Jongup.  Their lips remembering each other from so many years ago. When they pulled away Jongup had a dazed look in his eyes and Himchan’s were still hooded from wanting for the moment to last longer.

“Let’s go home.”

                Jongup nodded and took Himchan’s hand as he lead the way.  

i am on a roll with busting out story after story. i swear it hasn't even been a week since i posted my last story. But yea this was supposed to end up being a BangUp but it ended up as a HimUp, but hey happy ending!

i hope you liked it and if you did leave a comment if you feel like it.