First Snow

On this afternoon as the first snow is falling
If only I could call you, I’d be so happy
A year has already passed but I’m still not over you
So I talk to myself, “I’m lonely”

She lets out a long sigh, her breath fogging up the window that she was staring out of.

How long has it been now? Too long...

With one arm folded and wrapped around her waist, while the other holding her cup of coffee. The sky outside was gray and dark, the city was lit up with the scattered Christmas lights. She brought the cup to her lips and took a sip of the warm liquid.

Bittersweet. Just like the way she was feeling at the moment.

She has gotten used to the tastes of black coffee now... her vision begins to blur as she stared at the small, white flakes that were falling from the sky.

“Today, is one year now, isn’t it...?” she whispered to herself. The same stinging pang started to rise in her chest again. The same feeling she always get every time she thought about that person...

My first snow without you...

“You said you wouldn’t let me be alone on this day...” she muttered, with a subtle hint of bitterness in her voice. “Kwon... you liar.”

*bzzz, bzzz*

Her phone buzzed noisily pulling her attention away from the city skyline to the small device lying on the side table next to her.

She quickly glanced through each text messages wishing her well and happy holidays, from everyone, but that person.

She unlocks her phone and instinctively went to her contacts list. Her finger hover over the call button, trembling, she stares at the name for a moment but quickly closes her phone again.

She lets out another sigh and placed phone back on the side table, returning her gaze to the sights outside the window.

(Turn back the clock) if only I could go back one year
(Turn back my heart) would we be different now?
Yeah, it’s a stupid thought, but still, what if

Tick, tick, tick...

Except for the ticking of the clock, the silence of her apartment was almost deafening.

Tick, tick, tick...

Flashback

“What are you doing out here? You’ll catch a cold.” Said the taller girl as she drapes a throw around the smaller girl’s shoulder.

“Waiting.” The girl simply replied.

“Waiting...”

“Watch.” She spoke again and pointed a finger to the gray skies.

The taller girl reluctantly, but obediently followed the shorter girl’s finger and turned her gaze to the sky. Soon little white flakes started to fall from the sky.

“Merry white Christmas, Kwon Yuri.”

“Happy first snow day, Jung Jessica.” Yuri replied and wrapped her arms around the smaller girl’s body. “And to many more firsts...”

End flashback

Yuri-yah... if I had stopped you that day, would you still be here now? Would we be happier now?

If I met you, would tears rise up?
The foolish me wouldn’t be able to say anything
Tell me, Merry Merry Christmas, hi, how have you been?
When the snow falls, would my bruised heart get covered whitely?

I’m sorry I didn’t treat you well
That Christmas I was only filled with regrets

Jessica lets out another sigh, her eyes sting and vision blurred. She sets down the mug and quickly wipes away any traces of tears that was threatening to fall.

*bzz, bzz*

The buzzing caught her off guard and made her jumped a little out of shock. She disregards it as another unimportant message wishing her well. But there was a feeling of curiosity was tugging at her heart strings urging her to look at her phone. 

*bzz, bzz*

The phone buzzed again, as if urging her to look at it now. Giving into her curiosities, Jessica picked up her phone from the table and she swore at that moment her heart skipped a beat. Or even stopped beating.

Hi... How have you been?
I hope you’re doing well.

Merry Christmas, Sica.

That person...

Flashback

“Why are you always so stubborn, Sica?”

“Because you’re always so frustrating, Yuri. Ugh!!”

“That’s because you’re so hard-headed. I can’t deal with this. It always has to be your way doesn’t it? Why can’t you just deal with the fact that you’re not always right? I’m not your servant...”

“No... it doesn’t. But you’re not...”

“Sica... I’m tired... I can’t do this anymore.”

“What do you mean... We’re not done here.”

“That’s just it, Jessica... We’re never done. We always fight about the same over and over again.”

“What do you want to do then...” Jessica finally muttered in defeat. “Whatever you want to do... I’ll do it.”

“Nothing. Let’s just... stop.”

“Stop...?”

“Us, Sica.” Yuri replied sadly, and let out and exasperated sigh.

“Fine. If that’s what you really want.” Jessica said admitting defeat and walked towards the bedroom.

“Jess...” Yuri uttered, but it was too late.

She heard the soft click of the door and sighed as she buried her face into her hands. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. They weren’t supposed to end like this.

Tears threatened to fall from both of their eyes. This was the end. Words were said that they both couldn’t take back.

“Merry Christmas... Sica...”

End Flashback

Regrets. Heartache.

There were things she could’ve said. Things that were left unsaid. She no longer held back the tears that was she was struggling to fight back for so long. One by one, they flow endlessly, as she sobbed with her head resting on her folded arms.

“Yuri-yah... I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you well...” she uttered between sobs, saying it to no one in particular.

I’m sorry.

Just these simple words that could’ve stopped everything. And yet, she was such a fool with too much pride to say them. Regrets filled her heart to its seams.

I’m sorry...

I walked alone on a street filled with lights, everyone looks happy
I used to think you would always be there like air
But I foolishly let you go, I’m so sorry

(Such a typical story) After time passed, the fact that you’re so precious
(It always passes by) Why didn’t I know back then?
I want to tell you that it’s different now

Tears running dry. Head hurting from the lack of air. It was about that time when she decided she needed a change of scenery.

She put on her coat, wrapped her scarf tightly around her neck and stepped out of the empty apartment. Not sure where she was headed. She took her phone out of her pocket and re-read the simple message she had received hours ago...

Should I reply to her? What would I even say? Hey... I’m sorry. I’m okay. I miss you? Ugh... Babo...

Jessica thought and mentally scolded herself. She let out a sigh of defeat and stowed the phone away in her pocket again.

“Sica?”

That voice...

There is only one voice that would cause her to stop dead in her tracks. Too afraid to turn around, she didn’t want to believe it until she heard it again... and that person was standing in front her face.

“I knew it was you...”

“Ah... Yu... Yuri.” She manage to utter out breathlessly.

“Why are walking around alone...it’s cold. You’ll catch...”

“...A cold. I know...”

They both felt the bitter sweetness in this moment, and both smiled sadly at this thought. Jessica felt her eyes welling up with tears again, and quickly excused herself.

“Nice seeing you, Yuri. I have to go...”

She quickly turned back around and hurriedly walk off in the direction of her apartment without giving Yuri a chance to stop her.

Is it tears or is it because of the snow?

That Christmas, I kept seeing you get farther away

It’s so strange, just thinking of you makes tears fall
Tears are falling falling falling
I want to go back to you
I can do anything
Even if all of my life till now disappears...

Safe. Haven. Home. She was back in her haven. Somewhere that people can’t see her vulnerability. Somewhere that she can hide away from the rest of the world for away.

She paced back and forth in her living room, eventually finding herself back outside her balcony. Blurred visions, as the snow falls landing lightly on her. The unexpected meeting brought back feelings that were never laid to rest.

Her mind made up. It was something that she needed to do. No, wanted to do. She pulled out her phone and began typing.

Yuri-yah,

You asked me how I’ve been. If I lied and said that I was okay, would you believe me? No, right? You’ve known me far too well. The truth is, I’m not okay. That Christmas, full of regrets. That Christmas, when I saw you walk away. It makes my tears fall even after all this time. I thought I would be okay. But I’m far from that.

I’m sorry, I should’ve said to you sooner. I’m sorry that I didn’t. I was a fool to not realized how precious you are to me back then.

If I could go back to you, then I would give up my life till now and let it disappear.

I’m sorry, I should’ve treated you well.

Merry Christmas, Kwon Yuri

Goodbye...

Her finger hovered over the ‘send’ button for a while, hesitantly, she closed her eyes and touched her finger onto the screen.

A cold, wetness sleeked down her cheeks staining them as she closed her eyes and breathlessly spoke out the words that no one but the wind could hear.

Merry Christmas, I love you. Always.