Jaebum’s first memory had been that of sitting in front of the old Panasonic television in the small 3-room apartment his family used to own in Goyang, playing with the new toy action figurines the nice aunt had given him for Christmas. 4-year-old Jaebum was looking forward to an action-packed adventure with Batman and Robin, when he just so happened to make eye contact with the television console.

Needless to say, Batman and Robin were cast aside to be forgotten in the corner of the room. On that fateful day, Im Jaebum’s unquenchable thirst to replicate the sleek dancing moves of his future g.o.d sunbaenim was firmly established. The fire in his heart had been lit, setting him careening on a path chocked full of blood, sweat and tears.

(Something else came to life as well. It would only be more than a decade later that Jaebum realised that he never ever paid attention to S.E.S and Fin.K.L whenever they came on television. You could only command kid Jaebum’s full undivided attention if you possessed a beautiful masculine face.)

Jinyoung had his start in life a little tad different.

Being strongly attuned to his emotions and innate desires, Jinyoung had always figured things out way before other kids his age. At the tender age of 6, when other children are awoken only by nightmares involving big bad wolves and ugly old witches, Jinyoung sits up in bed one particularly chilly night to realise that he likes men. Intuitive enough to grasp that this was an abnormal occurrence, and coupled with the understanding that he was likely to be bullied by his classmates for it, he starts sobbing hard. By the end of the night, he had run out of tears to cry, and he falls back onto his Pokemon-themed bedsheets exhausted, but content with the acceptance that he is different and special.

The next morning, he announces the fact that he likes boys to his astonished family at the dining table with a disarmingly cheerful smile. After recovering from the initial shock that a mere 6-year-old is announcing his uality, his family proceeds to smother him with hugs, whispering “I love you”s and “It’s alright”s and “We will be there for you”s.  He became a little upset when his sisters told him that he is strictly not to mention that he likes men to anyone but his family, but it was hard for anything at all to kill Jinyoung’s mood that day. It was rare for him to get kisses from all his family members at once, and he thoroughly enjoyed it.

In the blink of an eye, both boys grew into hot-blooded teenagers dancing entire days and nights away. Homework went undone, grades went plummeting, and fights with exasperated family members grew more often. The call for JYP Entertainment’s 5^th Open Auditions went out, and the now 15-year-old Jaebum lined himself up at the end of a snaking queue of idol wannabes waiting for their turn to register. As with all long queues, he soon grew bored and itched to practice his b-boying, but alas had to make do with practicing wrist isolations with the space constraint.

And here, under the blazing hot sun squeezed in line for the chance of a lifetime, in full concentration trying to perfect that final flick of his hands, Im Jae Bum experienced yet another life-changing moment.

A tap on his shoulder brought him out of his reverie, and he spun irritatedly to confront the intruder who had so kindly interrupted his practice. Jaebum was known for his fiery temper and his inability to control his fists and his mouth whenever he gets riled up, but upon making eye contact with the stranger he was stunned into a lack of speech and movement.

(Looking back, who could have faulted him? As we all know, the stranger has a beautiful masculine face. And killer aegyo to boot as well, as our horrified Jaebum was soon to discover.)

“Hi, you look cool so I’m going to be friends with you. I’m Park Jin Young, and I’m pretty much destined to get into JYP based on my name alone.” The boy with the cream hat stretches his hand out for the dumbfounded Jaebum to shake, as he continued to chuckle incessantly over the believed ingenuity of his last sentence.

3 weeks later, contestant No. 24 Park Jin Young and contestant No. 25 Im Jae Bum were crowned joint-tied 1^st place. As an emotional Jinyoung celebrates their win beside him and the crowd cheers crazily for the both of them, Jaebum digs deep to force a smile as he stares vacantly into the sea of flashing camera lights.

(You should be wondering why Jaebum was unhappy when he was supposed to be ecstatic. Well, our poor Jaebum’s mind was being plagued by his uncharacteristic behaviour over the past few weeks with Jinyoung: his inability to hold a decent conversation without breaking out stuttering; his inability to maintain eye contact for more than a second; his surreptitious stares when Jinyoung peels off his singlet to wipe his sweaty torso after a particularly draining practice session. Not to mention, outside of practice, his mind continues to travel back and forth from the contours of Jinyoung’s face as if it calls it home, where his adorable eye smile that crinkles up at the edges and his smooth dimpled cheeks reside.)

Burdened that spending time with Jinyoung was not going away, he steals a worried glance at the now-crying Jinyoung currently locked in a tight embrace with one of his older sisters. In order to get through the auditions with Jinyoung as a partner with his heart intact, he had ignored his mind’s repeated calls to investigate his weird behaviour. Now, unable to bear both his mind and heart in turmoil any longer, he summoned up whatever courage he had in him to question himself as he continued to keep an eye on Jinyoung.

“Why do I want to pinch his cheeks so badly?”

“Why do I want to hug him so much?”

“Why do I want to kiss those beautiful lip…OH MY ING GOD”

Not wanting to be bothered by any more disturbing thoughts, he frantically tried to find something, anything to keep his mind away, away, AWAY.

But denial was the only thing he could grasp onto.

“I’m not gay, I’m straight…I like women, not men…I’m not gay, I’m straight……” he chants repeatedly to himself as he tried his utmost best to not fall apart in front of thousands of strangers, strangers who would only have pointed glares and menacing words for him if they knew.

It was a miracle that that fake smile remained plastered on Jaebum’s face the entire time, even when Jinyoung turned to give him a bone-crushing hug. But, if one had looked into his eyes, you would have seen the sorrow and immense self-deprecation brought about by a damning realisation held within those glassy black orbs. Something had come alive in Jaebum’s heart, but this time around he dearly wanted more than anything to snuff this flame out.

Jinyoung has had enough with Jaebum.

The shy and adorable boy from auditions was gone. In his place was someone entirely unrecognisable, an uncouth youth with only unpleasant words for people around him. Jaebum’s temper was almost a daily occurrence now, and he was regularly receiving threats by management to be kicked out of JYP if he was unable to keep his behaviour under check (Jaebum had been given a lot of chances as he had simply the best dance skills out of all the trainees, but Jinyoung knows that there is bound to be a limit to JYP’s patience). But what got on Jinyoung’s nerves the most were Jaebum’s efforts to assert his masculinity through throwing the word “” around, and particularly at him. Jinyoung is sure that Jaebum is unaware of his uality (he knows he hides it well), but to be at the receiving end of that degredatory term especially when he is really homoual is incredibly upsetting. Although Jinyoung is naturally a patient person, Jaebum seems to know how to push the wrong buttons, and it often takes all of his self-control not to burst out lashing at Jaebum.

Things come to a head one day after a particularly intense dance practice session. Jinyoung has had a rough day, having been scolded by his teacher for his undone homework in school and having accidentally twisted his ankle on a rogue tree root while walking back to the dormitory. He lags behind throughout dance practice, receiving many a pointed look from the dance instructor. To his chagrin, the instructor singles him out for his poor performance at the end of the practice session and instructs him to continue practicing, and for Jaebum to stay back as well to supervise.

As the other trainees pack up their bags and leave, a furious Jaebum spun on him. “What is the problem with you ? Got laid last night and can’t walk straight right? Explains your pathetic limp and your y dancing, but did you have to get me involved just because you can’t keep your in your pants? Screw you!” 

“What is wrong with you Im Jae Bum? I can’t take any more of this that you have been giving all of us! Where did that boy from auditions go? He would have been concerned and would have been worried over my injury, unlike you! Who is this foul-mouthed and uncaring bastard that has taken his place? You can leave, I really can’t stand to be in the same room as you right now,” Jinyoung retorts with eyes blazing.

As soon as the last sentence leaves Jinyoung’s mouth, he finds himself sprawled on the floor, winded by a particularly strong blow to his gut. He snaps his head back to find Jaebum with his clenched fist held up, the expression on his face torn between mortified horror and warped satisfaction. With tears b in his eyes, he stands himself up with great difficulty and limps to the stunned Jaebum until his face is in close proximity to his own. “I hope you are satisfied that I absolutely hate your guts right now. When I first met you in line at the auditions, I witnessed how concentrated you were in perfecting your dance moves. It was captivating, not to mention your chubby cheeks and bad dress sense made you so much more adorable,” Jinyoung laughs humourlessly as tears streamed down his cheeks, continuing, “You were cute then, and I remembered thinking to myself how I definitely had to be friends with you. How wrong I was.” He lets out a shaky breath, and steeled himself. “Throughout those 3 weeks, your shy and caring demeanour really got to me. I got attracted to you. And yes Jaebum, as you have been saying it right to my face for the past few months, I am a . A that likes you. But with how you have changed, I don’t know anymore. I want to believe that I have the power to change you back, but who am I kidding?” Jinyoung pauses to make a half-hearted attempt to clean his tear-stained cheeks, and against his mind’s protests he leans even closer into Jaebum such that their faces were only an inch apart. “The worst thing that can ever happen to a gay person is to fall in love with a person that will never like them back. And it hurts so much, hyung. It hurts so, so much. And you make it so hard when you continue to hurt me with your actions. I’m really tired, Jaebum hyung. So please, if there is any of the old Jaebum hyung whom I respect and love left in you, please stop tormenting me.” With his head bowed, Jinyoung backs away from Jaebum, and then all but dashes for the door.

And throughout the entire of Jinyoung’s monologue, Jaebum could only remain still, his heart pounding so hard it threatens to burst through its ribcage, being permeated with a feeling of horror and guilt so immense that his legs gave out under him as soon as Jinyoung left the room.

Jaebum avoids Jinyoung as much as he possibly can. After that incident, he all but accepts that he likes Jinyoung and has been in denial for the longest time. He is petrified of his family’s reaction to his uality, especially his beloved grandmother, but it is of less importance than Jinyoung. Right now, his lovely Jinyoung is in pain and hurting all because of Jaebum’s stupidity. And Jaebum feels as if he is the tiest person on Earth and is undeserving of a kind and beautiful soul like Jinyoung. So, he cowardly avoids Jinyoung, telling himself that Jinyoung deserves someone way better than him. But with every awkward encounter with the younger where Jaebum sees those soulless dark orbs of which he is the cause, his heart dies a little by little inside.

On a particular afternoon after school ends and there is no scheduled dance practice at JYP, Jaebum steps out into the chilly mid-autumn air from the comfortable warmth of the public bus, making sure to wrap his scarf tighter around his neck. Within 5 minutes, he had located the familiar hole-in-the-wall power socket, ready for his weekly individual showcase at Jeongbalsan station. His mood still sombre from the incident with Jinyoung a month earlier and the resulting cold war, he starts out slow, allowing his body to flow with the music, expressing all of his pent-up frustration at himself and his regret for hurting the one he loved through his dancing. He dances and dances, never letting up even as the evening rush hour passes by and his audience gradually thins as the day peters out into its ending. Before he knows it, it was already midnight and the station blares out the mandatory announcement that it was closing in 15 minutes. He finally stops dancing, catching his breath as he rummages in his backpack to take a swig of water. He was in the midst gulping down the last bit of his water when a crisp voice breaks the deafening silence.

“It has been awhile, Jaebum hyung.”

Jaebum stiffens, and immediately swivels around for that voice could clearly only belong to a person he thought he would never speak to again. Jinyoung smiles tiredly at him, his wind-ruffled hair sparkling in the reflection of the bright ceiling lights and his dimples on full display. At a loss of words to reply, Jaebum wanted so dearly to be on speaking terms with Jinyoung again, but was deathly afraid of screwing up their relationship even further than it had already been. He purses his lips tightly, hoping for Jinyoung to continue.

“I’ve been watching you for the past 2 hours and you didn’t notice me at all. I’ve never seen you practice so hard since we auditioned together. And you have changed after what happened a month ago,” at this, Jaebum stiffens even further, but Jinyoung sees this and quips, “for the better.”

Jaebum immediately relaxed his posture, relief evident on his face. “I am so sorry Jinyoungie, I am so sorry…” Jaebum cries out as he went into a kneeling position, hands tightly clenched and head bowed.  “I was such a fool, I was so confused about what was happening within me that I took it out on everyone and especially you, I am so stupid please forgive me, I promise that I will definitely work to keep my temper in check and I will never hurt you in that way again, just please forgive...”

WHACK!

“Oww…” Jaebum rubs his head as he looks up astonished at Jinyoung, who was wearing an amused smirk and was attempting to pull him up into a standing position. “Pabo hyung, of course I will forgive you. Do you remember who the person who likes you is?” At this, Jaebum gapes with his mouth wide open, finding it hard to believe what he is hearing. Jinyoung snickers at his hyung’s silly expression, and continues, “And it looks like I may have been wrong about you not liking me back too,” and here Jinyoung adopts a more hesitant tone and an unsure expression, “am I right?”

As Jinyoung schools his lips into a pout, Jaebum could feel himself succumbing to the irresistible aegyo of Park Jin Young and he thinks to himself, “Why is this idiot so cute?”

Only to realise that he had actually said that aloud when he finds Jinyoung rolling on the floor in heaps of laughter, his crinkly eye smile and dimples out in full force. A deep crimson blush immediately invades Jaebum’s neck and face, and he stutters, “I know I’m weird but…oh god…I’m weird and you are c…cute…urgh…” Jaebum settles for putting his head into his hands and groaning loudly, hoping that the earth would swallow him whole from his embarrassment.

A strong tug on his hands to remove them from his face reveals Jinyoung, who was immersed in gazing at him lovingly. “You really are a pabo hyung,” Jinyoung smiles cheekily, and adds, “don’t think I will let you date me just because you like me back. We weren’t even close friends, and there are a lot of things that I don’t know about you as you don’t know about me. So let’s start over, and if our friendship goes well then I might consider a relationship with you hyung.” At hearing this, the thoroughly stunned Jaebum could only respond with his usual blank stare. As if he had suddenly sensed an opportunity, Jinyoung proceeds to lean in closer and closer, and Jaebum’s breath hitches in his chest as he could feel the warmth of Jinyoung’s breaths on his cheek…

“Kids! The station is closing! Take your making out elsewhere you damn lovebirds!” a shrill voice rings out in the empty expanse of space. Startled, Jinyoung and Jaebum scramble apart, and after gathering Jaebum’s backpack, they both run out of the station from the irate station clerk, laughing and smiling at one another the entire way, hands intertwined.

(Their hands remained clasped in one another's throughout the entire walk back to the dorm. And before they entered the apartment building their dorm was in, our hopeless Jaebum managed to find whatever little balls he had to squeak:

“Jinyoungie...I...erm…Ilikeyou!”)

END