" Miss. "

 I turned to face the young man and stood up. He handed me a bag of clothes and then a notebook. I furrowed my brows.

" I think this must be her diary or notebook, it was in the drawer beside her bed. "

 Diary? I bowed slightly and took the notebook after placing the bag on the chair beside mine. I smiled, somehow telling him ' thank you.' I guess he understood when he returned a gentle smile.

" You can have some time before signing the papers.. I'll get back to work now. "

 I nodded again. I heard footsteps walking away and i know he was nowhere near now. I gulped as i stared down at the notebook in my hands.

' Llama's one & only diary.' - That was written on the front page.

I took a deep breath before opening the book, holding back tears and whimpers of sorrow. I flipped it open.

23 / 1

Dear diary... Omg. This is lame but whatever. I'm Amber Josephine Liu. Currently 17 and well, single. Did i mention how much i hate my middle name? Anw , there was a new transfer student in my class. She looks cold and mean.. But i bet she's not. You shouldn't judge a book by its cover right? :) I guess i should go talk to her soon. Krystal Jung. She's mysterious and not to mention very pretty. HAHA! Oh , free Period's almost up. Ok bye.

Ps: people say diaries are bull, but i want to give it a go? Lets work together diary ah.

 I unconsciously smiled. She was always like this, dorky and cute in her own ways. I continued on to read the next few pages, talking about her day and how it went by until i saw my name again.

 10/ 2

Dear diary.. I did mention about Krystal Jung a few weeks back right? And wanna know why i didn't write you these past two days? Yup. I finally got to talk to her! \(^▽^)/ She is very shy and cute, at times i really don't know what’s wrong with me because my heart starts to beat really fast when i see her smile. Because its rare... and i find myself thinking that - i want to always to be the reason behind those beautiful smiles. Aish! I think i have a crush on her. * shyly blushes.* Gosh. I gtg now.

I chuckled but it faltered after a short while. I didn't treat her well though when i first met her. I wasn't best at being friendly so there were times, well most of the time when she would start a conversation with me, i gave her my annoyed look and walked away. But she would still look at me with those gentle eyes and bright grin. I sighed again. I missed those smiles already.

 3 / 3

 Dear diary.. Krystal Jung. I know her korean name now too , Jung Soojung. We've been hanging out quite a lot lately and did i mention how much she loves ice cream? Hahaha! Its very cute though.. she's very cute. I think i like her, more than a friend but i'm not sure. I mean its still too early to assume what i feel. I enjoy every single moment with her and feel dizzy everytime i see her laugh and smile, that’s all i know. * shakes head* Geez. I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t even think she swings my way. OTL.

4/6

 Dear diary, Hey. She told me she likes this senior of hers from her piano class. As her best friend, i have to be happy for her right? Her happiness is mine anyway. I haven't talk to her ever since she told me about it hours ago, i feel guilty because she texted me but i had ignored it. Is it right to treat her like that? Idk. I just got back from the clinic, i've been coughing a lot lately. Must be the orange juice, i frequent. Sighs. I guess i should apologise for not replying tmorow. Need some time alone. Bye ~

I remembered that day clearly, when i told her how much i admired Youngjae sunbaenim and his piano skills. I never seen him beyond an oppa but i guess she took it the wrong way. Now i understood her cold replies and excuses for not being able to hang out.

10/6

 Dear diary, I think i should confess soon.. I don't want to ruin the friendship between us but i really can't bear this yearning pain anymore. It hurts to see her laugh because of some other guys jokes or smile at the boys who secretly crush on her. and those boys, who stares at her everything whenever she walks by.. I feel like stabbing their eyes with a knife. Sighs. I’m so badly in love, aren’t i? Guess i am. So in love with Krystal Jung.

 A smile unconsciously spread on my lips at the last sentence, it sent a familiar warmth in my heart like it always did when she told me that, at random times of the day. I flipped through the pages, finding nothing written on it but only pictures and also movie tickets pasted on it. It was after she confessed to me and i accepted to be her girlfriend. Realizing that after that, she didn't write much. I chuckled at a side note i saw beside a picture of us at a beach during summer break.

 20/7

Dear diary, updating with pictures is fine right? At least you know. I’m very happy right now and it worked out! ^^ She's my girlfriend now. :) I feel blessed and thankful. Thanks to u too diary. - Our monthsary celebration at the beach.

I frowned at the date of the next entry. It was just two months ago. She hadn't updated for 3 months straight. I guess i have kept her busy and also since our final papers are coming up.. Little did i know-

1/10

Dear diary.. Hey, its been a while. I know, I’m sorry for coming to u, only when i need u. You're the only one i can tell my problems to, without feeling like I’m such a burden. I... i just got back from the hospital and - the doctor told me that my illness is becoming worse and i might need to undergo surgery.

 I bit on my trembling lower lip and trace a finger on a dark red spot at the left side of the page. I continued to read, but the writings this time were a little, shaky.

- The doctor said if my surgery goes well, i'll be able to live, like usual only with serious care and monthly check ups. But, the chance was low. 70% of the chance is.. it might fail. Im scared. I-

A tear escaped my eyes when i saw a few more blotches of dark red on the bottom of the paper and the entry ended there. And i guess it ended there, and that’s why i'm here. I couldn't feel mad at all. I was more hurt than anything. I glanced at the date written on it and felt my heartached more. Months , she kept it from me for months. She didn’t tell me she was suffering from a chronic disease. She was suffering alone,.. How could she? I sniffled a sob and shut the book close, closing my eyes, letting everything sink in. I was about to stand up when an envelope dropped from the last page of the book. I stared down at the blue envelope on the floor. My hands trembled as i picked up the envelope and sat again. I flipped to the last page of the diary when i noticed some writings on it . My heart was aching badly and my head started to throb but it didn’t prevent me from continuing. I gulped, feeling my throat becoming swollen.

24/10

Happy Birthday to my baby Krystal. :) It was her birthday today and i did quite a big surprise for her. It was such a happy event, that i couldn't tell her about - ya know, my illness. Can i never tell her? I don’t want to see the smile on her face disappear.. ever. I want to die peacefully , remembering her warm smiles and not longing stares and tearful eyes. You get me right? Diary. Thanks for always being there when times get tough for me. You never reply or give opinions, but you're listening. You always do :) If I’m no longer around, i hope someone would find this and make it their own diary. As long as u are not empty.. Let’s fill u with better entries and more positive words.

 I shut the book and continued to open the envelope. Written on it was - Krys baby. For you. I fumbled with the seal, trying to pry it open but not tearing it. I took out the paper in it and sighed, holding back the tears that were already b in my eyes. I started reading, gripping onto the ends of the paper tightly.

13/12

 Hey baby, its me. :) If you're reading this letter than i guess, i'm no longer around and you have found my diary. Ah! Its so embarrassing to even think of you reading this cheesy . >< Don't be sad Krys.. Please? Firstly, i'd like to say is. Thank you. Thank you for being my girl friend although it was only for a short period of time. I wish it could last but i guess God has other plans.. for you.. and for me. From the moment i met you, i knew you're not the girl they think you are. To me, you're amazing in so many ways, beautiful, smart, talented, cute and very attractive when you give off your cold vibe. ( maybe just me? ><" Idk. ) Haha! But i started to love you so much and i was afraid of letting you go. Its sound selfish but i want you all to myself. Do you understand me? I know you do Krys. :) You love me too right? I’m sorry i have to say this. But please let me go when the time comes. I sincerely apologize for not being able to personally tell you what i was going through. But you'll understand and thanked me in the future, im sure of it. I don't want to spend my last days with you , walking by the river and telling each other how much we'll miss each other or see you cry your eyes out, knowing well that you won't be able to see me again when i'm gone. I don't want it to be hard on you when its time for me to go. I don’t want to see a weak smile or the tired look on your face when i finally close my eyes and exhale my last breath. Please, don't blame it on yourself. If this makes you hate me, then i guess i deserve to be hated. But i know, this is the best for you. Find a lasting happiness Soojung ah~ Besides, if you ever miss me, just look up at the sky, i'll always be looking after you from above. I'll always be with you, in your heart Krys. Gosh. This letter is getting too long. Anw, I love you so much baby and i'm gonna miss you.. a lot. Im sorry again but you'll understand someday. I have enjoyed every single moment we spent with each other and i'll keep them deep within my heart, which still dearly loves you and will forever miss you. Its eternal. My love for you, will never stop even if my heart stops beating. Find someone Krys. Someone whose healthy and could give you all the love that i could never give or didnt have the chance to give. Goodbye my princess, my baby, my love and only Jung Soojung. :) Stay healthy and live your life happily okay? I'll transform into a ghost and haunt you, if you ever cry buckets. Hahaha!

Love, Your dork - Amber Liu ♥

I folded the letter back into the envelope and wiped the tears trickling down my cheeks. I felt something in the envelope and took it out. It was a necklace. Her necklace. The bright antique silver pendant with the words ' Forever.' engraved on it, sparkled as i held it in my palm. I put it on and fiddled with the pendant. I looked down at my lap and quietly sighed. It reminds me of her so much.. How we used to just stare at each other when we're alone and the reflective surface of the pendant would flicker in the darkness of the night, making her look as though she was shining. Like an angel in disguise and my knight in shining armor. She's my angel and knight.. was.

 I felt a tap on my shoulder and straightened up at my seat, looking up.

" The doctor would like you to sign the papers now so we could put the body in the morgue. The funeral service would come in next morning at around nine. For now, please follow me maam. "

The nurse walked ahead and i stood up shakily as i followed the nurse absent mindedly. I stood in front of the counter and signed the papers with a heavy heart and distracted mind. The nurse bowed and took the papers back as she resumed typing something on her computer, probably keying in all the information i had just written. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see my sister smiling softly at me. I turned and leant my head on her shoulder when i felt my knees growing weak and my breathing becoming heavy. That’s when i started crying so loud, tears constantly flowing out as my whimpers and cries of desperation had fallen to deaf ears. Because no one could ever answer my cries or prayers. What i had asked for, prayed for, crying for.. can never be return to me.

" I-i lost her Jessica. Amber's gone. I-i want her back Jessica please. Tell me its a dream. " i continuously said through my muffled cries, trying to convince myself but ended up having to grasp onto the fact that Amber is really gone and she'll never come back. Jessica rubbed her palms against my back and my hair.

" Its okay soojung ah. Its okay."

I shook my head. Its not. Its never gonna be okay.

--

 As the coffin was lowered down, i clutched onto the necklace on my neck and leant onto Jessica's shoulder again, not wanting to see the coffin being lowered down meters beneath the ground. Tears were b up again and Jessica turned to hug me as her fingers wiped the tears away. It was once said that its not encouraged, to cry at funerals, they say the soul wouldn't feel peaceful when a person they're close to cries at their funeral. They won't be able to rest in peace and i didn't want that for Amber. So i balled my hands into a fist and bit on my lower lip, suppressing my tears. After the funeral ended, friends and families left. Amber didn't have a family, they died in a car accident when she was little. She was on her own since she was a young kid at 10 years old, being taken care of by her grandparents. But they too, passed away when she was 16. She had lived alone in this world, i met her when she was 17. Our relationship only lasted for 4 months or if i could count our friendship, it'd be almost a year. My sister took a step back as i walked towards her grave and sat beside it, caressing her gravestone.

Our time together was short, our love story ended too early but all the memories were worthwhile. I had never felt so safe, happy and comfortable with someone until i met her.

" Maybe i can open up my heart to someone else someday... But i don’t think i can ever love that someone or feel as much for that person as much as what i feel for you Amber. " I kissed the tombstone and bit on my lower lip, preventing my tears from flowing out.

I inhaled sharply. " I dont think i could ever love someone as much as i love you Amber."

 Jessica stood beside me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, bringing me up to my feet. I looked back at her grave, one last time before starting to walk again as we head out of the cemetery. Yes, the period was short, memories not much collected but it sure will always be forever be kept in my heart - Our memories, our laughter, our smiles, our cries, our kisses, our hugs. This love, its ours and it'll always be special to me. Amber Liu, my dork, my knight and angel, i will surely miss you. I love you.