(Unbeta-ed)

"Jackson, are you drunk?" Mark asked lifting a brow seeing Jackson sprawled in the floor of their living room laughing faintly

"Ohhhh Marky is homeeeeee!" Jackson hauled and tried to stand up, failing and stumping down the floor again

Mark watched in amusement how hard Jackson tried to stand up without succeeding, he took a fast glance at the apartment. It didn't seem like it was destroyed, in fact there wasn't anybody apart from Jackson, which lead him to ask himself why he was that tipsy? He doesn't remember Jackson telling him that he was going out to drink with his friends.

"There you go, you're judging me!" the younger pointed at Mark with his finger and with a very offended face

"What? I haven't said anything"

"But you have that face, that face... that" Jackson started to laugh obnoxiously again "that face you put every time I do something wrong" he keep laughing

"Well... do you think you did something wrong?" it was kind of entertaining the scene, it was the first that Jackson was this drunk, normally he just get to the state that he became shameless, not that he wasn't shameless sober.

"No, in fact YOU did something wrong"

"Me?" Mark was confused by this, wrong? Last time he checked he went to his classes, then went to the market to buy groceries because there wasn't any left.

He encountered Jinyoung in the market and started to talk nonstop and he treated Mark to eat ddeokbokki in his house because his mom dropped by and brought a lot of food. And then came home, what was wrong in that? "I didn't do anything?"

"Yes! Yes you did, when I called... when I called" Jackson seemed to forget what he wanted to say for a minute but recover quickly "you were eating somewhere with some dude out there and I was here alone hungry, what kind of friend does that?" Mark wanted to laugh at this but Jackson did seem very pissed off.

"Jackson, I wasn't with 'some dude out there', I was with Jinyoung and...”

"Same thing!!!" Jackson managed to reach Mark and started to poke him annoyingly "he likes you, and everyone that likes you is dangerous!" Mark furrowed his brows because Jackson was not making sense

"You remember that Jinyoung is with Jaebum right? Jaebum, as in your second best friend?" Mark reasoned and Jackson just makes a face of disgust "and besides Jinyoung doesn’t like me, what are you talking about?"

"Oh my god, you're so stupid! You don't SEE him attaching himself to you ALL the time, and hugging you and talking like he was a highschooler with a crush on you!"

"Are you sure that you're not talking about how he is with Jaebum?"

"OF COURSE NOT, and in front of Jaebum, disgusting, how can he do that in front of his so called boyfriend, my gossshhhhh"

At this point Mark was trying hard to not burst out laughing.

"Jackson, are you jealous of Jinyoung?" Jackson looked at him disbelievingly

"ME? JEALOUS OF HIM? NEVER, WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS?" the younger talked like he was spiting fire with every word, making his nostrils bigger and Mark didn't know why he found that cute "I'M NOT JEALOUS OKAY? I, JACKSON WANG, IS NOT JEALOUS OF PARK JINYOUNG" Jackson keep screaming loudly and Mark just giggled

"Whatever you say, you don't have to be anyways"

“What are you writing?” Mark jumped out of his chair in surprised by the sudden voice beside his ear; he turned to see who interrupted him encountering a smirking Jackson

“Oh my god, Jackson, you almost gave me a heart attack!” Mark inhaled roughly with his hand still holding his shirt above where his heart was “you’re so creepy”

“I don’t, I was just merely reading that you are writing about my embarrassing drunk moment” Jackson said reproachfully

“It was funny, and you were jealous” Mark said giddily

Jackson made an offended whine that sounded like a whale giving birth, and then he hit Mark’s neck starting to shake him, all he could do was trying to pry himself off Jackson and laugh at the younger dumbness.

“Okay, I admit that I was a bit, like this bit of jealous” Jackson said indicating a centimeter with his fingers “but just because you let Jinyoung do whatever he pleases” Mark puffed air at the other face

“It’s not like I don’t let you do anything you want, stupid”

“How mean Mark, I’m so insulted” Mark rolled his eyes and keep drawing doddles at the corners of the notebook he’s been using to write “why are you writing this anyways?”

Mark bit the pencil and pounded if it was okay to tell Jackson, not that he was doing anything out of the ordinary.

“A memory book”

Jackson seemed confused for a minute and looked at Mark curiously

“Of our funny stories, or crappy ones, or sad, or when I was mad at you, just a memory book of us” Mark said happily, but said enthusiasm started to vanish when he looked at Jackson stiffen at his words

“For what are you doing that?” his words coming out forced

“For what you think people do memory books? To remember, cherish, laugh again, all that stuff” Mark was confused at Jackson attitude but decided not to ask. Jackson stayed in silence watching him drawing little cartoons of them in the pages of the notebook, interconnecting drawings with their little stories.

Mark wasn’t really good at expressing himself talking but he managed to write and describe everything very well, he always liked to pay attention to the details, so when he wrote he was very detailed. But yeah, he was writing his ridiculous stories with Jackson so probably he was just explaining how happy he felt or how much he laughed that time.

“But, why, why are you doing that now?” Jackson asked, looking uncomfortable

“What’s the problem Jackson?” Mark sighed trying to not sound irritated, which he was starting to get because what’s the problem with him?

“Nothing, it’s just that I don’t get the reason why are you doing that if we’re still young and still have so much to do”

“Yes, but I want to do it”

“You never wanted to do these things, why now?”

“Because I want to do it now”

“Why?” Jackson insisted more desperately now and Mark exploded

“Because the doctor asked me to, goddamn!” Mark never loses his temper, it was not in his nature to be impulsive but lately he had been dealing with mood swings and Jackson trying to be funny it wasn’t helping.

“And what? Are you gonna read all that to him? Oh, I feel so flattered Mark” Jackson said with sarcasm

“Yes, I’m gonna read it and I don’t care if you feel flattered or what not, it’s like a homework; I don’t understand why are you getting all worked up” he felt how a rush of red was decorating his neck, it tended to happen when he was extremely annoyed or pissed.

“Because I don’t want some old man hearing about my embarrassing moments, excuse me”

“Too bad”

“And what the this has to do with your treatment? Care to explain?”

“Do I look like a doctor to you? He said something about closure, what the hell, I wasn’t even paying attention” Mark kept furrowing his brows trying to calm down waiting for the younger to keep nagging at him without reason, but he didn’t say anything.

Mark turned to look at Jackson and was surprised to see Jackson with an unreadable expression, he was closing his fists tightly and his brows like Mark’s were furrowed but his eyes were drown with disappointment and hurt; and he didn’t like that. He didn’t know why Jackson was acting like this but he didn’t like it one bit. Guilt started to build in his chest and the anger was deflating like when you pinch a balloon with a needle.

“Jacks…”

“You want closure? Perfect, I would give you one” Jackson spit his words at Mark’s face before turning his heels and exiting the room, not without slamming the door shut.

They had different ways of dealing with rage, Mark just stop talking and give the silent treatment. Meanwhile Jackson was very vocal; he cursed, talked nonstop, rambled, and slammed doors; that are how he vented his discomfort.  Most of the times Mark knew the reasons of Jackson’s behavior and because of that, he always knew how to deal with him. But this time he didn’t have a clue, Jackson was mad about the memory book. But why? It was just a stupid book; there isn’t a reason to be upset about it. Suddenly all the eagerness to write just disappeared; Mark grabbed the notebook and threw it against the wall, falling to the floor later.

Well, it wasn’t like Jackson was going to be mad forever. He probably wasn’t going to visit him for 2 or 3 days at maximum, and then he would come back like nothing happened. To say that Mark was uncomfortable with Jackson’s finals words was an understatement, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Just wait.

And so he did. But Jackson didn’t come the next days after their little fight. He will come next week; Mark said to cheer himself up. But that didn’t happen either.

Jackson didn’t return the next week, or the next.

Or even the next.

Mark was slowly falling again in the misery that brought him here, but he wasn’t to be weak this time. He had to be strong, fight, and obey all the indications to his fast recover.

He liked to remind himself that when something bad happens to you, you have three choices; one let it define you. Like when you trust people easily and they took chances of that letting you down, and then you say you’ll never trust people again that easily. Two, let it destroy you; to his shame that’s what he has been doing the last months. And three, you can let it strengthen you. Out of the three choices, he always does the first two, but one thing that he learned of being here is the only way to go on is take everything as it comes and strength yourself by that.

He had to learn how strength himself, to face all the demons, but not the ones that were out there. He had to learn how to fight the inner ones. For him, for his friends, for his family.

With that thought in mind he had been trying to distract himself of Jackson’s absence. But he can’t help to think and hope that he would come. His birthday was coming and he just hoped Jackson remembered. Like he promised he would.

♦

He didn’t show up.

At least not yet.

Mark was happy to see his parents again. They visited him the weekends, his mom always brought him food made in home by her, and he was so thankful. He loved his mom’s cooking, but again, who doesn’t?

His father was cracking jokes here and there about his childhood with Victoria, who casually was walking by Mark’s room and decided to join his parents in humiliating him; Mark thanked the Gods that his father didn’t bring with him the photo album. He knew how much his father enjoyed making Mark embarrassed by his ugly childhood photos. His brother couldn’t make it but he sent him a lot of comic books. Mark made a mental note to brought Joey whatever he wanted.

His parents stayed until lunch, when they decided that it was time to come back home.

“Honey, take care of yourself, see you in the weekend” said his mother kissing his cheeks lovingly “I love you, son, happy birthday”

“I love you too mom”

“Come on, let the kid breathe” his father joked but then came and give him a squeezing hug “see you kiddo”

His friends decided to come in the afternoon. All of them with eager and sincere smiles, warm hugs and soft laughs. Jaebum and Youngjae teamed up to brought him a present, but by Jaebum exasperated look he figured that Youngjae forgot it on their shared apartment.

“How could you FORGET to bring Mark’s present?” Jaebum exhaled irritably

“I said I’m sorry! Mark, I’m sorry, I really thought I grab it but when I got here…” Youngjae looked like a kicked puppy, Mark giggled a bit

“It’s no big deal Jae, really”

“See? He doesn’t mind! Why do you keep looking at me like you wanted to murder me??” Youngjae pointed at Jaebum, accusingly

“I wish, that somehow, God give me legal immunity and then you’re gonna pay” Jaebum didn’t have the decency to look a little guilty by his statement, on the opposite he looked very proud of it

“Silence, kids” this time was Jinyoung interfering their quarreling “I swear, you two look like a married couple with all that fighting”

“Jealous much?” Jaebum wriggled his eyebrows while smirking

“You wish” was all Jinyoung could muster

“EW HYUNG STOP!” shouted Bambam, while Yugyeom struggled to reach Mark. When he was finally in front of him, he showed him a cake.

More specifically, his favorite flavor of cake. Yugyeom was smiling warmly at him while putting the cake at the nightstand beside his bed. Then he involved Mark in a bone crushing hug, not that he minded. He always had a soft spot for Yugyeom’s hugs, well, for Yugyeom himself. Who could blame him? The younger was so kind, friendly, warm and cute that you had to love him.

“Happy birthday hyung!” he said enthusiastically when he let go of Mark “I was waiting so much for this day, the others hyungs didn’t let me come by myself to see you, I was so angry!” Yugyeom said indignantly. Cute, was the only thing Mark could think before giving him a reassuring smile

“Don’t be, you’re now here”

“Yes, hyung I missed you so much, can I hug you again?” and without waiting for a response the younger hugged Mark again. He felt so warm and comfy buried in Yugyeom’s arms. He was like a head taller than him, so he kind of involved him entirely.

“YAH! I WANT TO HUG MARK HYUNG TOO!” Bambam shouted indignant and tried to crawl to Yugyeom’s side

“I missed you guys too” Mark was happy, and for a briefly moment he forgot that he was supposed to be here, sharing with them.

Was Jackson still mad at him? It was stupid if he still was, Mark didn’t do anything. Why he had to act like that? Maybe he talked to Jaebum and he knows why? But even if he was like that, it wasn’t like any other day. He could always come, act like nothing happened and then the next day keep being angry. But not today.

I promise that I would bring your favorite sweets and Chinese take-out for your birthday Marky!

We would make Jaebum and Jinyoung throw up with our cheesiness, so they learn what it feels when they do that !

What do you want for your birthday, Marky? Just say and I would bought for you

Mark just wanted Jackson to be here. Where he was?

“Hyung, are you okay?” Mark snap out of his thoughts to look at Youngjae who caught him spazzing out

“Eh, yes… everything’s okay Jae” he smiled and watched Bambam quarreling with Yugyeom about how he could choose those candles for Mark’s cake, and how the icing wasn’t the right color. He chuckled lightly at the last part.

“Jaebum” Mark called softly, he didn’t want to interrupt the others antics. Jaebum looked and nodded at him “have Jackson talked to you? Is he gonna come today?”

Suddenly the room went quiet and everyone turned to look at Mark. Mark didn’t understand why they reacted like that, he looked at Jinyoung searching for an answers but he met with panic stricken in his eyes. Jinyoung was looking at Jaebum trying to search for help, meanwhile the younger ones where looking at each other in confusion and nervousness.

“Yes, hyung… he… he called and say that he was gonna come, but he didn’t tell you?” Youngjae managed to stutter looking at Mark expectantly, making him furrow his eyebrows

“No, I haven’t talked with him for a while now” he said softly “but why are you stuttering?”

“Me? I wasn’t!” Youngjae replied to quickly getting a slap in the arm from Bambam

“Why are you all so nervous? Is there something that I don’t know?” Mark was feeling very stupid right now because they, obviously, knew something that he was ignoring.

He looked at Jaebum because the rest seemed to be avoiding his gaze; he was slowly getting irritated by their behavior. Jackson told them something that he couldn’t know about?

“” Jaebum said softly looking at Mark “, , ” he kept muttering under his breath

“Youngjae and Bambam please look for Victoria” said Jinyoung rushing them out of the room

“Why you want to call Victoria? Why aren’t you saying anything to me? What is happening?” Mark was losing his patience by now; Yugyeom took his hand softly and sit beside him in the bed.

“Mark, look, Jackson isn’t gonna come” Jinyoung started softly with a pained expression

“What? Why? But he promised, he said anything? He’s still mad at me? Jaebum tell him that if he’s going to do this I’m gonna be pissed at him” Mark started to rise his voice and move his free hand pointing at Jaebum, but all he did was look between Jinyoung and him.

“Jackson, he… he isn’t here anymore Mark,” Mark looked at Jinyoung confused, obviously Jackson isn’t here, he could see that “he isn’t here now, and never would be, try to remember” What?

"He's not breathing!"

"I don’t what to do!"

“I need help!”

A flash of light, a loud crash and the sound of glass exploding came to Mark’s mind. And he gets it.

He finally gets it.

Jackson isn’t here.

Jackson is dead.

Dead.

Took you long enough

Jinyoung was staring intently at him waiting for some kind of response and Jaebum was behind him with a similar expression. He opened and closed his mouth, he wanted to laugh, cry, scream or say something. But anything came out, he felt Yugyeom hand touching his cheek and in that moment he noticed he was crying. He felt his fingers going numb and how his stomach twists making him want to throw up, a rush of heat going to his ears. Mark arched trying to not throw up near the bed, but nothing comes out anyway.

“Can you please leave me alone?” Mark muttered trying to not show his cracked voice

“We can’t let you alone until Victoria comes, Mark” Jaebum tried to sound less dominating

“Can you two get out then? Can I stay with Yugyeom?” he didn’t want to make them feel left out. He could only manage one person looking at him with sorry eyes, not three.

They slowly make their way out the room, leaving him with the younger one alone.

Yugyeom wordlessly took him in his arms and hugged him again, and Mark cried. All that could be heard was Mark’s sniffs and whimpers.

Jackson was dead; all this time had been like that.

“Yugyeom, was it all a lie?” he asked between softs. He could hear Yugyeom crying trying to not make a sound but his sniffs didn’t passed unaware to Mark and he felt guilty for putting all this weight on the younger.

“Hyung, everything is real, as real as you want it to be”

They heard the door click open and Victoria entered a little bit rushed, but calmed down when she saw Yugyeom with Mark.

“Oh, I thought you left him alone, I can take care of Mark now sweetie” she smiled a little to Yugyeom and he nodded. He slowly unwrapped his arms of Mark’s body and gave him a smile. He stood up and exited the room with his shoulders stumped down and dragging his feet.

Victoria went to Mark and made him lay down in bed. She gave him two pills and a glass with water; he gulped down quickly and shut his eyes trying to prevent more tears from falling. He felt so strange to what was happening, like he wasn’t involved in all this.

“That kid, he’s a good boy” Victoria said softly making Mark open his eyes again

“Yes” he gulped down the lump in his throat "Victoria?" he squeaked, voice coming lower than intended, reaching to grab her hand and attempt to grab her attention, too.

"Yes, sweetie" he patted Mark's cheek lovingly. Those was one of the things that he liked about Victoria, and believe him, the list is long.

She always treated Mark like she knew him before, like he was her brother or someone very close to her. Victoria had the passion to help people burning in her sleeves. She was always willing to tend every need of any of them. Never refusing to listen if they just wanted to talk, or even make a disgusted face.

Lively, sweet, and giddy, that's tree words that Mark thought it fit her perfectly. Mark sometimes just called her to ask about her life, outside of the institute.

What are her hobbies, or why she decided to work here, even when Mark knew the answer beforehand. Listening her talk so passionately about the things she loved and the things she wanted to achieve give him a sense of direction in what he wanted to do.

He got caught thinking I want to live so happily like Victoria or I want to smile brighter like Victoria, even I would like to help people like Victoria, but it was difficult help others when you're the one who need it the most.

"Could you please call Dr. Jang? I want to talk to him?" Victoria gave him a sympathetic smile, nodding softly before exiting the room.

Drowsiness was slowly seeping in his body, but Mark was not going to sleep until he get the answers he need. How many times this happened?

He didn't want to think about the faces of his friends early, suddenly he felt sorry for them, and they had to act like Mark wanted every time they came to the institution. He felt guilty above all. He just hoped that they didn't get to see another episode of this nonsense. It was better if they just stopped coming. But Mark knew that they were too warm hearted to leave him alone. A smile creeps out in Mark's face.

The soft click of the door was heard and Mark turned to see Dr.Jang entering the room, closing the door behind him.

"Victoria told me that you wanted to see me?" he asked patiently

"How many times this happened?" Mark blurted out, the anguish in the pit of his stomach coming back quickly but the other didn't seem really fazed

"A few times since you entered here" He saw how Dr.Jang took the chair besides his bed and drag it near him, he took a sit in front of Mark and with a nod he indicated Mark to continue

"Why... why this keeps happening if I’m in treatment? Why he keeps coming back? And why when that happens I can't differentiate if it's real or not?"

Mark was confused, disappointed and mostly frustrated with himself. His words coming out rushed and hard, almost doubting the effectiveness of being locked out. It was maddening, suddenly he remembered the reason he wanted to his brain to shut off.

"Calm down Mark, you're gonna start hyperventilating, count"

One

Breathe

Two

Breathe

Three

He doesn't have for this , and Mark was actually surprised when he voices it out. He didn't notice until he saw the frown on Dr.Jang face

"Sorry" not that he really was, he needed answers, now.

"Recover and relapse, it's normal, at least for the first two or three weeks, I was sure that you were gonna take this very well and recover fast" the older man sighed frustrated "but then this episodes started to come and you've been going back and forth, it is like you have not decided if you want to go or stay"

He wanted to go or stay? Mark didn't know, all he wanted to do was run away.

I'll still follow you even if you run away

Shut up. Mark shuts his eyes tightly and bit his bottom lip hard.

"Jackson was a really special person to you Mark, you have to know that it's not easy get over losing someone you love" Mark scoffed and wanted to laugh

"Yeah, but losing your mind isn't really normal either" he spit with venom, and he felt like he went back to square one. When all he was feeling was rage, and the unceasing disgust of himself.

"It takes time, but..."

"Exactly, what's happening to me?" Mark cut the other in mid-sentence, he knew it wasn't the polite thing to do but what the heck, he was tired and his eyes wanted to betray him every time he talked, the force of drowsiness weighing on him ten times more

"You have what we call Psychotic depression, post traumatic psychotic depression in your case to be more specific"

Mark didn't know if he wanted to cry or laugh more, excellent. Now he was some kind of schizophrenic guy who couldn't get his together, life was going good for him, totally.

"Before you think anything irrational, this is more common that you think,"

"Can you please elaborate more that? i don't understand, why sometimes I know what's happening and others I don't?"

"You suffer a major depression, we called psychotic just because include delusions and hallucinations. Sometimes you're aware that you're having it and the other times you don't, so you think it's actually happening in real life"

"Hallucinations?"

"You know you've been hallucinating Jackson this whole time right?"

The thought of that just make Mark wanted to sink in a pool and maybe drown himself.

Pain pounding in his body like he was being stabbed and tears threatened to gather in his eyes. The lump in his throat slowly starting to appear and he had to gulp a few times trying to cease it.

"You don't seem to be surprised, which only means this isn't the first time that I ask you this" mark managed to say

"Yes... but it's the first time we got this far, normally you just fall asleep a few minutes after Victoria gave you the sedatives"

"I’m trying to not fall asleep" Mark bit his lip again, hard to keep him focused

"I can see that, you're trying hard but you should rest, we can talk this tomorrow" Dr. Jang patted Mark's arm and stand up from the chair ready to go but the faint voice of the younger make him turn his gaze towards the bed one more time.

"I'd be able to leave one day?" the man gave him a soft smile and seem to think hard what he wanted to say

"Yes, you've be able to leave, but you have to want it, you have to want to recover"

"What do you mean?" mark eyes started to weigh and his body was already glue to the bed

"That means you have to let Jackson go, and never come back"

Was he ready to never see Jackson again? To let him go and never come back?

'No' a faint voice in his mind seemed to reply him. What was he without Jackson? Without his obnoxious self and ridiculous laugh? Without his antics and his stupid face and stupid jokes and Maaaaaaaark notice me. It had always have been him and Jackson, where Jackson was he was. Joined to the hip, doing everything together.

Or separately but in the end telling each other whatever thing they came up. He couldn't think of not seeing him anymore, or hearing him whining about the most stupid things, or his nonsense.

But in the other hand, was he prepared to stay here?

It was not that bad anyway, but right now he was so sleepy that he couldn't even think properly. The last thought coming to his mind was Jackson laughing when he told him that his parents were going to kill him because Jackson emptied his monthly fair just to buy a videogame.

They're not gonna kill you Marky Mark, besides they love me too much to leave me alone, without you

♦

Mark didn't know when was the last time he felt this numb and groggy the moment he woke up. It was like a dead weigh was on him making it difficult for him to move freely. His eyes were itchy and his throat was dry, the tips of his fingers were numb and he was cold. His hands and toes were cold and not even the covers were enough for the cold he was feeling.

It wasn't nothing knew, he was used to all of this, it was the side effects of his pills; he didn't want to called them sleeping pills anymore because he knew that they didn't were only to help him sleep.

He turned his vision to the digital clock on his wall.

11:05, it didn’t past enough hours to make him forget. He looked at his night stand where there were laying bottles of Triavil and Zoloft, anger seep through as he though bitterly good time for start working. He looked at his dark room, he was alone as usual but it never felt as lonely as now.

A million of thoughts came at the same time and crushed him; he heard the words on his mind but did not listen.

And there it was the feeling he been avoiding, in the long run it was the only thing that he had left.

It crushed him, it was like water slowly soaking his clothes and reaching his chin, with a dead weight on his chest but his neck unwilling to give up on trying keep his head on the surface. Surviving, the most primitive instinct.

But what use it has to him now when all he wanted was drown; it was air making his way to his lungs after being underwater for long time. It burned, and it hurt but it supposed to feel relieving.

It wasn’t, air keeps seeping in even though he didn’t want to breathe again.

Because unlike the other days, he remembered.

He remembers.

Why he's here, why he can't go out yet, why he has to take this pills, why the doctor comes three times per week to talk nonsense and why he feels the way he's feeling now.

He remembers why Jaebum cursed earlier and why Jinyoung looked at him panic striking in his eyes. Why Yugyeom, Youngjae and Bambam gave him sad and pitiful looks.

He didn't get to eat cake even when today was supposed to be a special date; his mouth suddenly flood with a sour taste and he wanted to throw up.

He sat on the bed and looked at nothing, he started to smell smoke coming from nowhere and how it make it hard for him to breathe.

Mark could feel the broken glasses ripping through his palms even when he was sitting in a soft mattress.

Why he thought to himself, his eyes prickled and started to burn, filling with unshed tears. There was the lump in his throat which hurt like blades slaying his vocal cords. He clenched his fist as hard as he could trying to suppress the sobs he knew was coming out of his mouth. And finally he cried.

For the first, the second, the third time, he didn't know; but it didn't hurt less. He tried to bit back his sobs, but ended scratching his lips making his tears taste salty and metallic.

He didn't care if somebody hears him, it didn't matter anymore.

He curled himself and tried to hug a pillow to muffle his cries. You can count until it cease.

One

Breath

Two

Cough

Three

 He can’t do this

He was not sobbing anymore but the tears were falling nonstop.

In the midst of it he tried to think that someday it will going to get better but it took one look at the door to know it was all lies. It never was going to be okay.

There he was, just like he remembered him, wearing a worried look and biting his lower lip not knowing what to do. Because Mark didn't cry, not in front of him at least.

"Why are you crying?" It sounded so broken, as he was suffering the same looking at Mark in that state of vulnerability

" you" Mark spit with venom

“Don’t be like that, please” Jackson whispered loud enough for Mark to hear

“It’s not fair,” Mark bits his lower lip again when his words came out with a whimper "it's not, go away, leave me alone!"

Jackson just slowly approached him and sat on the chair next to the bed. He extended his hand doubtfully towards Mark just to have him slapping his hand away from him.

"I told you to go away, you're not real!" he sobbed more "get out of my head!"

Jackson just softened his gaze and his eyes were glistening now with what it looked tears formed in his eyes "Mark, I'm sorry"

Mark shut down his eyes with all the strength he could muster, he had to disappear. He was not real, get out, get out he told himself. But when he opened his eyes again and saw Jackson sitting in the same position with his eyes tearing up he knew he never was going to be okay. Jackson screeched his hand again and touched Mark's cheek softly. As he was some kind of a doll who could broke by just looking at it. He was broken enough anyway.

Then with his other hand he took Mark's hand and intertwined his fingers together, and there was the warmth radiating from his hand, the thing that he was missing the most.

Screw this he thought, Mark decided in that moment that he didn't care. He didn't care if it wasn't Jackson.

He didn't care if tomorrow Jackson didn't show up because he wasn't there.

And he didn't care to stay in this goddamn place forever as long as he could get to see Jackson once more.

Hallucination or not, there is nothing who could feel more real than now. And Mark didn't care what the doctor or anybody had to say about it.

He placed his hands in Jackson's neck and lean forward, leaving just centimeters between their faces.

"I love you" he muttered ghosting his lips above Jackson's.

"I know" Jackson lunched forward giving no room for their faces to be apart and kissed Mark softly. Brushing and gently pressing his lips, giving them warm.

Mark knew this was just an illusion, again. And the lump in his throat came back again, the tears rolled down his cheeks again and his hands clenched in Jackson's hair.

Slowly Jackson pulled back from Mark's lips and started to kiss his tears away. He decided to climb the bed and got under the covers with him; he threw an arm around Mark’s waist and drew him closer to his body.

Jackson put his chin at the top of Mark's head and started to his hair. The heat of Jackson's warm body and the subtle ministrations was lulling Mark to sleep again, but he felt suffocated. Suffocated, tired, numb and crushed by the reality of his situation.

He was depressed and slowly losing his mind, but if that means that he could get to see Jackson then so it be.

"You're not real," he managed to say anyway, more to himself than to the other, with a sleepy voice and his lids almost giving up. Jackson hummed in agreement "that's cruel you know,"

Jackson nodded; suddenly Mark remembered what Yugyeom told him.

Hyung, everything is real, as real as you want it to be

Mark could feel Jackson kissing his forehead lovingly and before he fell asleep on Jackson's arms he could heard the only thing that mattered the most to him

"I love you too"

Mark believed it, he believed in Jackson's words. Even when it was all in his mind, that precious illusion his mind made for him just because the insatiable and consuming need of having Jackson by his side, he believed.

And it was the first time that Mark didn't want tomorrow to come. He didn't want to think in what Jackson always told him about how better tomorrow will be. Because deep down he knew.

By tomorrow Mark will be left in the darkness again, among cold sheets. By tomorrow Jackson's shoes in the end of his bed will be gone, his body warmth no longer was going to be beside him. No more sleeping on his shoulder or hearing his husky voice, his airy laugh that sounded like a hyena but he loved it anyways. He already knew that by tomorrow he'll lose him.

♦

Sirens were drowning his screams, making him more desperate, smoke trying to get into his lungs to keeping him to seek for help. Broken glass ripping through his skin as he was fighting to drag his body against the cold and rough pavement.

A little more, almost there

He managed to slump down next to the body lying on the pavement, his hand reaching the other shoulder shaking.

“Jackson,” Mark whispered

But no sound or even movement was registered in Mark line of sight; he panicked and started to shake more violently Jackson’s body.

“Jackson,” this time louder and more restrained

Nothing

Mark scrunched down to Jackson chest trying to hear his heartbeat against his ear but he couldn't hear anything due to the noisy around them, and sirens approaching. Desperately he lowered his face to Jackson's face trying to feel his breathing against him. Nothing.

“I need help!” Mark screamed to anybody who could hear him "I need somebody right now!"

He tried keep shaking Jackson, but it was no use. Tears started to roll down his cheeks, his body started to feel exhausted and everybody hurt. His bones were asking for him to lie down, but he tried screaming once more, somebody has to help them

"He's not breathing!" he coughed and choking with the tears and blood that dripped from his lips "I don’t what to do!"

His arms gave on him pushing his body down, but he somehow he managed to drag himself towards Jackson, hugging him. His eyes were starting to close and he felt how slowly he was being slipped into unconsciousness "I need help"

Mark shot his eyes open abruptly, droplets of sweat covering his forehead, shaking breath, anxious and a panicking feeling taking his body. Not this nightmare again.

Rays of sunlight invaded the empty room through the windows giving light to the dim space Mark was occupying, he felt restless. He started fidgeting with the ends of the covers and biting his lips, he glanced briefly at the clock.

10:58 am.

He overslept again. He was supposed to wake up at 8:30, take breakfast with his pills, take a quick walk on the garden and return to his room. He tried remembering why he didn’t set the alarm clock yesterday but his head hurt making him dizzy and his fingers were slowly becoming numb once again. Side effects. Mark sighed irritated and more than sick of feeling sick.

Mark decided to stay in bed tucked in the safety of his sheets, he wasn't hungry anyway. A pounding pain in his head making him close his eyes and lay unmoving. Today seems to be a sunny, bright and 'oh so happy' day to be outside.

All Mark wanted was sleep all day, sleep off all the tiredness in his self and the numbness in his fingers.

A soft knock on the door was heard. He chose to ignore it, not wanting to even move an inch.

Two knocks this time more firmly against the door. Maybe if he just pretends to not hear they would go away. It's Sunday; it's not even visit hours, who the hell wants to see him at this time?

Three knocks and... Was that a kick? Okay, maybe this was one of the interns. More reasons to just ignore it. He doesn’t have time to deal with anyone’s right now.

Jackson jumped to the bed and quickly placed himself besides Mark bouncing a little. He took one of Mark's hands and intertwined their fingers like always, and then playfully puffed air to Mark's face making him scrunch it in disgust.

"Don't do that!" Mark nagged with a whiny voice "you know that I hate it"

"Yeah, I know" Jackson said giving him that mocking smile he grown to like, even when he said the opposite

"I shouldn’t be even talking to you" Mark changed his tone to one icier, not that he wanted to be cold towards Jackson. But he was angry at him, or hurt, maybe. Jackson didn’t seem surprised.

“You know you can’t stay angry at me for too long” Jackson buffed and smirked. Mark seriously wanted to rip out that smirk of his face with a punch. Or maybe not, so he just opted to put his ‘are you seriously going there?’ face and make offended sounds.

“Come on, Mark!” Jackson whined, “I came just to be with you and you decided that today is the day you are gonna be y towards me?” and there he goes, doing his pouty face. Mark cursed, why can’t he be immune to this?

“Honestly, you deserve it,” he said trying to sound firm but it came out too soft “you were being a jerk to me this last weeks” Mark whispered pitifully. Honestly, he hates when he sound so, desperate? But what is having dignity when you have Jackson as a friend?

Jackson widened his eyes and brought his free hand to his chest

"When did I? I honestly feel offended by that accusation" he almost gasped, dramatizing again. Mark could swear his eyes did make a sound by how hard he rolled them.

"You didn't came for my birthday, you know how much I was anticipating it” Mark tried to sound neutral, tried “but no, you decided to not show up and let me drown in shame with a cake that I didn’t get to eat, thank you very much” and he failed because at the end his toned was laced with sarcasm. And the younger knew too perfectly that Mark only retorted with sarcasm when: one; Jackson was being a little and he was done with it; and two, Jackson was being a little and he was hurt by it.

Jackson didn't say anything and just started to play with Mark's fingers, they stayed in silence like that, Mark knew that when Jackson wanted to avoid question he just simply acted like he didn't heard. He knew that Mark wasn't going to ask twice if he didn't answer right away.

“Happy birthday, Mark”

The panicking feeling came to Mark again without apparent reason making his hands tremble and shake, it was almost imperceptible and maybe Jackson didn't get to notice if it wasn't holding his hands. His touch became more soft and delicate, like caressing a puppy.

"Why are you anxious?" he asked softly but Mark didn't respond, instead he made himself space in the crook of Jackson's neck like he always did in situations like this. It didn't matter how many times he did this, he felt flustered.

"I had a nightmare," his voice coming unsteady and sounding muffled by his position. He felt the younger nod, as in cue to let him know that he was listening "you know, that nightmare"

"Again?" Mark nodded silently and Jackson let out a sigh "I’m not gonna leave you, you know? Not in a million years"

"But, what if..."

"No, forget what ifs. I'm not gonna leave your side, never. Jackson is always gonna protect Mark, remember?"

He smiled and snuggled closer to Jackson. Even when it was belated, happy birthday to him, indeed.

"You’re such a er for sweet words, man," Jackson said chuckling "but I’m gonna start telling you this everyday if I get all your mushy hugs!" Jackson joked and laughed afterwards making Mark hit him, but it was a weak hit anyways.

“Shut up, I haven’t forgive you yet”

“Like I didn’t know that you can’t resist me” Jackson huffed while laughing. Mark knew he wasn't kidding; Jackson was going to say the same thing every day, not to get hugs, but to make Mark believe him.

He believed.

"Jackson,"

"Hmm?"

"I love you" the older cheeks were reddening again, his nervousness was evident in his voice and he let out soft giggles against Jackson’s neck.

"I know," Jackson placed a kiss on the top of Mark's head tightening the hug if that was possible. Being in Jackson's arms given him a sense of security like he never felt, not even in his mother's arms. He felt like a child always crawling to his toned arms and warm chest, but it didn't matter. He felt comfortable and happy. Jackson embrace was like coming home from a long trip, was like listening happy songs when you're sad. The musky scent in his skin felt familiar and comforting.

It was like he was silently reassuring him that everything was going to be okay. And on top of that, he felt loved. He belonged there, finally.

"I love you too, Mark"

And maybe everything was gonna be okay after all.

Well...

Yeah, like everybody already knew: Jackson is dead. It was so obvious right? Well I tried to explain the best I could that Mark actually didn't want to kill himself just because he was depressed, but because he was seeing Jackson everywhere and sometimes he knew that it was just an hallucination.

As for the diagnostic the doctor gave Mark, yes, it's an actual illness. Psychotic depression is a person who suffers from a major depression episodes with delusions or/and hallucinations. As for Mark's case he was suffering from hallucinations, the ones that most schizophrenics suffers, in where they see, hear, smell and touch their illusions. That is why Mark not only could talk and see Jackson, but also hug him, etc. I did research about all of this disease, treatment, etc, because I really want to write something real and that actually happens. It was really challenging since English is not my mother language but I tried to do my best. 

I'm sorry for not posting earlier, I've been very busy with college and well.. I don't have any excuses really ;u;. Thank you for subscribing and reading this, it means a lot. I hope you guys like it, comment anything you want, give me advices, whatever you can think of, I'd be thankful to read that too :)

And last but not least, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY MARK TUAN. The inspiration for this, and the reason we are all here tehee

Oh, I forgot, I published this story on my livejournal too: Livejournal. And here it is my twitter page if anyone had questions or anything ^^ twitter