“I don't think I could have handled you when I was alive.” He said with a sigh. He leaned in closer to his friend's sleeping face; he could smell the body wash he had bought him for his birthday.

 

~~

 

“Why would you buy me body wash?” Yesung said, looking at it curiously. “And body spray?! Do I smell? Are you trying to tell me something?” He yelled, laughing at the strange gift from his best friend.

 

“No! No, you don't smell bad... this will just make you smell better.” Ryeowook said between chuckles at the confusion on his friend's face.

 

Yesung was surrounded by boxes and wrapping paper; random and irrelevant gifts lie forgotten in a pile beside him. It was his birthday, and there had been a birthday party, but he never opened his gifts. He always refused to open his gifts in front of his party guests. He did have his reasons, though, which he had to explain countless times to his acquaintances.

 

“I hate the look on people's faces when they push their gifts in front of everyone else's. It's like they want to prove to everyone else that they are the better friend, that they will have the best present. Honestly, birthday parties are just so people can fight for the “best friend” position.”

 

“You really think that's true?” Ryeowook had asked, skeptical.

 

“Yes! I've already chosen my best friends, and it wasn't based on what presents they buy me.” 

 

Yesung watched as a tiny smirk formed on his friend's face.

 

“Am I...” Ryeowook started.

 

“Don't ask. Yes, you are one of them.” Yesung interrupted, knowing full well what his friend was getting at.

 

“And am I...” Ryeowook began once again.

 

“Yes, you're in another league than the rest of my friends. Don't worry.” Yesung said. He chuckled when his best friend made a dignified nod and grabbed another neatly wrapped box for him to open.

 

“I don't think I will ever use body wash. I'm not the body wash type of guy... You should know this!” Yesung said. However, contrary to what he was saying, he very gently placed the body wash 

and spray to the side, away from the rest of the gifts.

 

“You could be the type of guy. And yes, I know, you don't like change, but I do, and I think you should try it. The body wash smells good. It's manly. Girls will like it... or boys, either way.” Ryeowook said, passing him one of the last boxes.

 

“I don't care if girls will like it.”

 

“Sure you don't.” Ryeowook said, lacing it with sarcasm.

 

'But if you like it, that's all that matters.' Yesung wanted to say. Instead he ended the banter with a grunt followed by the sound of paper ripping.

 

~~

 

“I didn't think you would use it. I didn't think you had it in you to change.” Ryeowook gently pushed Yesung's hair back. He was still asleep; he wouldn't wake up; he can't hear or feel Ryeowook.

 

~~

 

“How the hell have you not changed your underwear in a week?!” Ryeowook screamed in the car after Yesung's confession.

 

“I had a test on Monday that I forgot about, and I aced it! I was wearing this new pair of boxers and it was the only thing different! It had to be the underwear. I have a test this Monday, and I'm not changing them!” Yesung stated triumphantly.

 

“Take them off and wash them, then put them back on!”

 

“I cant! That would ruin the luck.” He said as if it was common knowledge.

 

“You are the most ridiculous person I know. I cannot believe you. That's disgusting! Wearing the same shirt for a week for a good luck charm was gross enough, but this! This is too much!” Ryeowook yelled, squishing his body closer to the car door and further from his (disgusting) friend.

 

“What ever. Once I ace this test again, I'll let you wear them.” Yesung said mischievously.

 

“I would never touch that underwear, even after you washed them. You're disgusting.” Ryeowook ended the conversation with a disgusted 'urgh' and turned to look out the passenger window.

 

~~

 

“I can't remember when I fell in love with you. It wasn't when we first met; I know you wouldn't believe that anyway, with all of your 'there is no such thing as love at first sight blah blah blah' crap. You never were a romantic.” Ryeowook pulled his hand away from rubbing Yesung's head and sat down on the side of his bed.

 

On Yesung's nightstand, Ryeowook saw a picture of the two of them on their last day of middle school. Grabbing it, he laughed. In the background he could see his old crush.

 

~~

 

“I think I'm gonna tell him!” Ryeowook said enthusiastically.

 

“No. That's stupid.” Yesung said, trying to end his best friend's thoughts immediately.

 

“What? Why on earth is it stupid? We are changing schools next year, and he should know!”

 

“Know what? That you, at 13 years old, believe you are in love with him? If you tell him, you are going to make a fool of yourself.” He said. He was trying to not be harsh, but he needed Ryeowook to understand that he was not in love.

 

“How would you know if I was in love or not?! You don't know anything about how I feel toward Kyuhyun!” He was getting annoyed, and Yesung could tell.

 

“It's not love! You have barely talked to him! It's a stupid crush! Love develops over time, it's not instantaneous and from a distance! You're being stupid!” He had had enough of Ryeowook insisting that he was in love with their classmate. He wasn't in love; he couldn't be!

 

“Why do you always get so angry about this? It doesn't affect you at all! I've loved him ever since the first grade, and now we are switching schools and he should know!” Ryeowook tried defending himself.

 

“There is no such thing as love at first sight! You shouldn't talk about love unless you are serious, and what you think you feel is not love! You have a crush on him, nothing more!” Yesung frantically needed to stop Ryeowook from telling their classmate and making a fool of himself.

 

“Why are you like this? I don't think you believe in love! I don't think you want me to be happy!”

 

“Are you ting me?! What is wrong with you?! I do believe in love! And, of course, I want you to be happy! You are being so dramatic! Just relax!”

 

“Why don't you want me to tell him?!” Ryeowook was freaking out at this point.

 

“Because he doesn't love you!” Yesung wanted to say that he loved him, that he had loved Ryeowook for as long as he could remember. But he couldn't, not yet. Yesung had always claimed he didn't believe in love at first sight, but he couldn't explain how he had fallen in love with his best friend so early on.

 

“How would you know?” Ryeowook's eyes were getting red. He was always so sensitive when it came to romance and love topics. He would cry at the drop of a hat. Seeing him cry was the second worse thing Yesung could think of; the worst thing he could think of was losing him to someone else.

 

“Look.” Yesung said pointing towards Kyuhyun. Ryeowook turned around to watch as another classmate of theirs, Sungmin, ran up to Kyuhyun and kissed him on the lips. Ryeowook continued watching as Kyuhyun held Sungmin next to him and continued talking to his friends. “I don't know how you didn't know this. It's been obvious for the past few days. He doesn't love you. But he doesn't love him either, trust me.”

 

Ryeowook didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what there was to say. He just turned back to Yesung and tried to avoid his eye contact.

 

Yesung could see his eyes watering and his cheeks turning red. He wanted to kiss him and scream that he loved him. Instead he held Ryeowook's hand and led him away from the crowded area. It was enough for Ryeowook. He cried with Yesung that day over a silly school-girl crush.

 

~~

 

“Wow. I really was stupid. That was a ridiculous day.” Ryeowook put the picture back down on the nightstand and turned his attention back to his best friend.

 

“I don't know why things turned out how they did. I told you life was unfair.” He sat there talking to his unaware best friend.

 

“I won't be able to come back. This is the last night I can come here. I don't know why; I'm just not allowed. Death isn't fair either.” Ryeowook sighed, feeling tears sting his eyes. He tried to will them away.

 

“You probably don't know. I only wrote it in my journal and that's hidden somewhere. My parents probably threw it in the trash with everything else. I wish I had told you when I was alive... I love you. I love you so much. I'm in love with you.”

 

“I feel so selfish, but it hurts so much to think that you can't love me anymore. But I'm trying; I'm trying really hard to want you to love someone else. I want you to be happy, that's not hard, but thinking that you being happy means you loving someone else really hurts.” Ryeowook's voice faltered a bit, but he didn't try to hold back the tears this time, no one could see him anyway. He wrapped his hand around Yesung's.

 

“That's what I came to tell you. I love you. I want you to fall in love with someone. I want you to be happy.” Ryeowook leaned in and kissed his cheek. He paused there for a moment. He could feel Yesung's breath on his cheek; he began to sob.

 

This was the last time he would ever see him, his best friend, his love, his soul mate.

He kissed Yesung one final time on the lips. Their first kiss.

 

Ryeowook let go of Yesung's hand and moved towards the door of his room. He never turned his back to Yesung, he didn't want to miss a single moment of their final time together. As he closed the door, tears running down his face, he disappeared, finally able to attempt to rest peacefully.

 

Yesung woke up to his alarm, 7:00am. The funeral wasn't until 10:00am, but Ryeowook's mother told him he could come early to say his final goodbyes.

 

Yesung had been virtually comatose since the car accident that took his best friend's life. Getting dressed and going through his daily routine as if he was unaware to the change in day.

Before he left for the funeral home, he grabbed a tiny book that was in his drawer.

 

Ryeowook's parents were at the funeral home to greet him. They seemed to have a hard time making eye contact with him; Yesung understood and didn't linger on it. They parted and allowed him a clear path to the room where Ryeowook was being kept.

 

“We will be outside. We'll give you privacy.” Ryeowook's mother said, touching his shoulder. He could hear the hollowness in her voice; she was broken too.

 

Walking into the room, he felt his heart sink even lower, lower than he thought possible. Flowers were everywhere. In a rare moment of clarity, he remembered that Ryeowook had hated anything yellow, and yet there were yellow flowers in his room; it bothered Yesung.

 

Slowly, he made his way up to Ryeowook's coffin. He was so beautiful, it was as if he was just sleeping; the horrible hollow feeling in Yesung's chest reminded him that he wasn't.

 

Kneeling down, Yesung pulled out the small book he made sure to bring; the cover had “My Journal” written in Ryeowook's neat handwriting.

 

“Your mom gave me your journal. She said it was in a box with old pictures of us. She gave me the box, too, but I haven't looked through it yet, but I will.” Yesung sighed, he didn't think he could handle this.

 

“I didn't need this to know you loved me. I just wish we hadn't been so stubborn when you were here.” He paused. Why was he still finding this difficult?

 

“I need you to know that I loved you, too. I still love you. I will always love you.” He wrapped his hand around Ryeowook's. He was wearing the ring Yesung had bought him, a $13 Claire's ring for his birthday one year. He had never taken it off, and Yesung was glad his parents let his keep it on.

 

“Where ever you are right now, please just know that I love you. And I promise I will be with you someday; we will be together someday.” Yesung allowed the tears to fall, and yet, a chuckle was released as well.

 

“But don't worry! I know you would get pissed if I spent my life alone, waiting to be with you. I'll be happy, I'll find a way to make myself happy. But I swear, Ryeowook, I swear, when the time comes when we can be together again, I will be yours.”

 

He stood up, gave Ryeowook's hand one last squeeze, and kissed him on the lips. Their first kiss.

 

Clutching Ryewook's journal, Yesung let go of Ryeowook's hand and moved towards the doorway. Yesung never turned his back to him, he didn't want to miss a single moment of their final time together. As he stepped out of the room, he prayed that Ryeowook would rest peacefully and that somehow they would see each other again.