Tao’s life began and ended multiple times over the years. He had a habit of getting attached to things that were temporary. When these things disappeared, his life ended with them, leaving an emptiness. But, through this process Tao had learned to adapt quickly. He learned to reinvent his self. He learned to survive. One of these “lifetimes” he liked to call ‘Kris’.

~~♦~~

Tao scrambled from the bathroom as he heard his phone ring from its place on the nightstand. He flung himself on the bed and pulled the phone off the charger, yelling hello as he brought the cell to his ear.

"Tao," it was his boyfriend Kris as he thought it would be.

"Hi baby," Tao, cooed sounding a lot like Jongin did when talking to his puppy, Monggu.

"Hi, I'm downstairs...are you ready?" Tao whipped his head to the alarm clock on his nightstand not believing it was already six o'clock. It wasn't, it was a whole half an hour earlier than Kris was supposed to be here...

"Kris, you're early!"

"I know Tao. I just have something to tell you and it can't wait."

Tao bit his tongue trying to hold in a squeal. He knew it. Tonight was the night Kris would finally agree to move in with him, he could feel it. His vocal practice partner, Baekhyun told him so when Tao had ranted on about how his boyfriend was coming back to school from his visit home and had told him he had news for him. He and Baek had gushed for the whole period about what colour drapes Tao would buy for their bedroom after he redecorated. After Suho, Tao's old roommate had moved out at the end of their last semester with his girlfriend Tao had been dropping hints to Kris about how great it would be for him to take over Suho’s lease.

"Okay babe I'll be right down," Tao hung up quickly and started to take off the undershirt he had put on earlier as he walked to the bathroom. Thankfully Tao had showered as soon as he came home from class otherwise he'd be seeing Kris for the first time in two weeks a sweaty mess. That was so not hot. Unless he was … and accompanied by an equally and sweaty Kris. That could be very hot.

He changed into a white t-shirt and ripped skinny jeans, while at the same time trying to put earrings into his ear and brush his teeth. He flung on his favourite black leather jacket (the one that Kris had bought him on their first anniversary) and hopped out the door one boot on and his Gucci belt unbuckled. He knew he had forgotten to grab his wallet from his gym bag and he probably should have turned off some lights but Kris was so much more important and urgent than a high-energy bill.

Tao stepped outside looking perfectly in place and calm, not a hair out of place or even a flush on his cheeks. All those mornings spent dragging Kai out of his bed after a late night sleepover and rushing to school in fifteen minutes coming in use. Kris nodded his head at Tao as he sidled up beside him. Tao frowned expecting a bit more of a greeting than that. They hadn’t seen each other in three weeks, Kris having gone to visit his Mum in Canada for the last month of vacation. Surely, he deserved at least, at least a kiss and smile. Instead, he got a nod.

Tao bit his tongue used to his boyfriend’s odd social habits. Kris had always been a little weird about physical affection, especially in public. Tao also knew that just because he wasn’t smiling didn’t mean he was upset. The guy had more of a permanent -face than Tao did. So, in respect for the special occasion of their reunion Tao wouldn’t nag Kris, he would rather not spend their night fighting when there were so  many much nicer things they could be doing.

Tao smiled wider at Kris and rocked back and forth on his feet trying to appear cute. “So baby, where to?”

Kris grunted throwing his head in the direction of the park. “Let’s walk.”

Okay, that was weird. Kris was usually more talkative. Not by much, mind you but he wasn’t usually so terse with Tao. Tao was his baby panda, his sweetie; he was his freaking cutie pie! He followed behind the briskly walking Kris watching his back with worry. There was a bubble uncomfortably building in his gut.

It wasn’t until they reached a bench not too far into the park that Kris stopped. Tao slowly sat down beside his lover starting to regret rushing out of the house. Clearly, this wasn’t the joyful occasion Tao thought it was.

Tao sat in silence, thinking that if he didn’t speak maybe they could put off the bad news.

“Tao,” Kris started sitting up and staring straight ahead. Tao continued watching Kris’ face looking for a sign. “I...I don’t know how to say this.”

“Just say it,” Tao murmured.

Kris closed his eyes and paused looking pained.

“Is everything okay Kris? You are starting to worry me. Are you hurt? Is your mother hurt? Did something happen to your mother?” Tao started panicking; Kris’ mother was the one person who meant the world to him, even more than Tao. He knew this, he was okay with this, but if something happened to Kris’ Mum, he didn’t know how Kris would go on.

“No, Tao. My mother is fine, completely healthy. It’s about….well it’s about us.” Tao tensed. This was, selfishly, even worse. “When I was there….all my mother could ask about was if I was seeing someone.”

Okay...Tao didn’t like where this was going. The one recurring problem in their relationship was Kris’ unwillingness to be open about them. It took literal screaming matches and Tao going behind Kris’ back before he was okay with his friends knowing…and most of Kris’ friends were a part of the queer community.

“Tao...all my mother could ask about was if I had a girlfriend,” Kris continued. “I can’t do this anymore. My mother wants me to one-day get married. She wants grandchildren. Hell, she wants me to live in Canada once I’m done university. I can’t do those things with you.”

“Kris,” Tao had tears in his eyes already, “Kris please, tell me you aren’t saying what I think you are saying.”

“I’m sorry Tao. I think we should break up.” Kris choked out seemingly emotionless. Tao sobbed. He always was a crybaby. But, this time he wasn’t going to let sadness run his life. This time Tao was angry.

“Two years Kris. TWO FREAKING YEARS AND YOU JUST NOW DECIDE YOU DON’T WANT THIS?”

“I didn’t know Tao; I thought I could do this-”

“Well, apparently you thought wrong. How could you do this to me, to us? Was I just some fling to you? Was I just some stupid kid you could play around with? Did you care for me at all?”

“Tao please-”

“No Kris, I am not some toy. I-I should have seen this coming. I should have known.”

“Tao I love you. You know I do.”

“I don’t know do you? All I know is that you are a liar and a coward.”

Kris glared at Tao but made no move to speak. Maybe Tao was being unfair but this, what Kris was doing was even more so unfair. It was downright cruel.

“You promised me Kris. You promised you would tell her, that we could be open about our relationship.”

“Tao, you don’t understand how hard it is.”

“Oh, not at all, how would I understand what it feels like to come out to your family. I ONLY DID IT WHEN I WAS SIXTEEN AND HAD NO ONE TO HELP OR SUPPORT ME.”

“TAO,” Kris yelled now standing up to tower over him. “My mother is all I have; if she rejects me I’ll have nothing, no one. This is about more than you and your stupid desire for PDA.”  Kris breathed heavily.

Tao stared in furious shock as Kris glared down at him. Nowhere in there was his cute dorky Kris, the man he had fallen in love with on a hot summer day two years ago, almost to the day. Nowhere was the happy, third year tour guide who had joked and played around with Tao and his friends. Where was the sweet young man who had literally swept Tao off his feet on their first date a day after they met and stayed up with him all night so they could watch the sunset? Who was this person? Who was this person tearing out his heart and stomping on it? How could Tao not have seen this coming?

“Nothing,” Tao’s voice broke. “Is that all I am to you, nothing?” he asked stepping away as Kris reached for him having the balls to look guilty. “Fine, Kris. If all you care about is yourself then I can’t force you to do anything. I can’t force you out of the closet as they say. I just wished you didn’t have to drag me through this mess, I wish you didn’t have to hurt me in order to figure out what you really wanted in life.”

“Tao, when I met you, you were what I wanted. I’m sorry that things changed. I’m sorry that I’m not brave and strong enough for you. I am a coward but please don’t blame everything on me. I thought we could handle this like adults.”

“Like adults? Kris...you are unbelievable.” Tao spat disgusted, “I hope I never have to see your face again.”

He whipped around and walked away ignoring the calls from Kris behind him. When it seemed like he was out of Kris’ viewing range he ran. He ran with tears in his eyes blurring his vision but relied on his memory to navigate back to his apartment. Once inside he ripped his jacket off and weakly crawled into bed letting go once wrapped in the familiar blankets.