YUUKIHIKARI
 

1개의 춤 (One Dance)

story link

upperclass themes 2014 ©

Review

Tittle: (2/5)

The tittle did and at the same time it didn't connect to the story (note: it only connected to the story in a very little way, I would've griving this oneshot a completely different name because there wasn't any dancing here, Jungkook just wanted to dance with Tae once and he said he wasn't a good dancer, it doesn't really connect that much to the story) it also connected to the foreword/description as well, so kudos to you for that! No one ever does that for some goddamn reason, the thing however is that tittle doesn't pop very much. If I was scrolling around and saw this story I don't think I would stop to look it at because of the tittle. 

Overall Appearance: (5/5)

The poster was great, the layout is probably pretty hard to read on mobile but I read it on PC so it was perfect for me, font was an okay color, good size, not the best font though, but the appearance was overall a-okay.

Description/Foreword: (6/10)

The description was short, it was a line from the story and it realted to the tittle but it's just too short, you didn't give anything that would really make someone want to read it. Remember the description is about giving away just enough to make someone want to read it while the foreword is a scene, a small one just to give people a glimpse of the story.

Plot: (19/30)

I understood your plot completely, basically to break it down. Tae and Kook were "friends", Tae was going to debut in a group while Jungkook's parents were going to allow to be become a trainee. A room catches on fire and Jungkook dies in that room and the story is all about Taehyun's feelings after and how the others are worried about him (this little tidbit not so much, but in the first scene it was pretty clear that Namjoo was concerned about Taehyung's well being). There's also a little bit of fantasy in the ending.

The plot was a cliched though, now, let's not put down cliches. Cliche's are good thought when you can take them and turn them into something of your own. Sadly, you did not do that, I think the only thing more original that you did was add that bit of fantasy but there wasn't a lot of it, there was only just that tiny bit of fantasy towards the end. If you would've mixed that fantasy all throughout the oneshot that would've made this a completely different story

This was also angst, I didn't feel the angst here to be honest. Angst is something that's supposed to make your heart clench and make you want to cry. It also makes you feel like and it makes you question what in the hell is wrong with you that you decided to read angst because 'ugh dem feels', this didn't make me want to do that. 

It was a good plot, but it wasn't great. You could've made it great however. You could've made it great, but you didn't. 

Grammar/Writing Style: (14/20)

Your writing style was good, I liked it, your grammar however was off in some parts.

Right away I noticed you ate a word your second sentence; "To one who had just walked in, it would seem like he was the perfect picture of serenity – dark eyes closed lightly, while his head was tilted slightly downward – however, to the platinum blond boy standing against the wall, it was obvious the brunette was impatient."

You left the 'any' and that would've changed the whole sentence actually "To anyone who would've walked in, it would've seem like he was the perfect picture of serenity - dark eyes close while his head was tilted slightly downward - however to the platinum blond boy standing against the wall it was obvious the brunette was impatient." Also you add a lot of unnecessary commas that's something I noticed. Remember a comma is a pause in the sentence so to improve with when and where to add commas, what I, personally did was read the sentence and pause whenever there was a comma if it sounded funny I would delete the comma.

Alright this a bit of a petpeeve of mine but this is an error so many people to do "Whatever this is hasn’t affected his training, at least… he’s only fifteen, and it’s only been a few months… Give him more time.“" Adding a lot of '...' in a row doesn't make it more suspenseful nor does it make it seem like the character is being thoughtful, in fact it disturbs the flow when you're reading it. Don't added so many '...' alright?

"“Thanks, hyung.” He mumbled, bowing deeply before turning to the double doors, pushing one open. He took one look back at Namjoon prior to stepping outside and shutting the door behind him, leaving the platinum blond to stare at the closed door with a troubled expression. I don’t know…"

Alright a few things here:

• No one can bow deeply or at least you cannot write 'Bowing deeply' because it just seems off.
• The word 'prior'. Now prior means "existing or coming before in time, order, or importance." so the word prior in that sentence is incorrectly used, it should've been 'before'
• commas. ""Thanks hyung." He mumbled bowing before turning to the double doors as he pushed one open, he took one look back at Namjoon before stepping outside. Shutting the door behind him and leaving the platinum haired boy staring at the closed door with a trouble expression. I dont know..."

That is all for that paragraph at least.

Now while I continued reading your biggest problem was your commas, you don't know where to place them properly and sometimes you use big words that simply do not belong there and I will point them out, I'm writing all of this while I read it. Although I'll read it a few more times before finishing it off. Those seem to be your common mistakes, my recommendation get yourself a beta reader.

Now a comma always goes before the word but;

Example: I don't know where to go, but I know what to do when I get there.

That's  sentence I made up just now, but anyways (see like this as well) a comma never goes before the word 'and'.

Example(s):

Incorrect Version: "I want a piece of cake, and an apple."

Correct Version: "I want a piece of cake and an apple." 

You always add commas before the word 'and', that's an error.

Also even if you add an '~' to your sentence at the end, always, always, always, always end your sentence with either a comma, exclamation mark, or question mark.

This was just a sentence I saw that had a word that didn't belong there: 

"When he remembered when the younger’s impatience began, he reminded himself once more to have patience, and hope his odd behavior would go away."

Read. Read. Read. Read other stories with great grammar, read your own story and read it aloud with all the pauses so you know when to take those commas out, because there are way too many unnecessary commas in your story.

Flow: (7/10)

The flow was eh. It's a oneshot, a pretty short one so there's not a lot to go on here the flow was eh, like I said. The scene transactions were overall okay.  Anyways, like I said not much too say here though eh flow went a bit too fast, if there would've been more of Tae and Kook's relationship that would've helped out with the flow.

Characterization: (10/15)

Now, I just didn't feel Tae. The only thing I know about him, after reading this three times, is that he debuted in a group, he's depressed, he misses Kook and people are worried about him. He's also dumb enough to almost run into a fire.

I don't know him though, Namjoon and Kook were okay, though I don't know Kook either but he wasn't really here much, neither was Namjoon. The main character was Tae and I just... Did not feel him, he seemed like an empty, hollow shell, he wasn't relatable he wasn't much of anything. He was just... Sad. And I didn't get much of that.

Right now the emotions and believability in Tae is at a 1O, you need to crank it up to a 1OOOO.

Overall Enjoyment:  (3/5)

I liked it and I didn't like it, I liked your plot and what it was about but the errors just... Made it not so pleasant for me to read it, but that's just because I'm extremely picky about the stories I read. 

(66/100)

Remember the rules! 

Now it's late here and there's probably a few mistakes in this review but when I wake up tomorrow morning I'll re-read this and fix them up.