MAY 15, 2014. 

 ‘Second time in a row I wake up from the sharp pain in my chest. I reach out for my phone to check the time, my notifications blew up.

Missed calls, Instagram, weibo, kakaotalk, line , etc. Ignoring the notifications my fingers automatically dial 120. No, stop. I cant. Im too strong. Wu Yifan youre too strong to call an ambulance just because of chest pain. You have to get used to this.

I groan as I throw my phone to the side with the thoughts of calling for help. My left hand grips on my chest as my right hand reaches out for the pain killers in my drawer, I swallow them down not bothering to get any water. My heavy eyelids close and I drift off back to sleep as the chest pain slowly eases.

When I wake up the pain has gone away. Slowly I sit up and grab my phone, throw on a shirt and walk to the kitchen. Grilled ham and cheese sandwich. Yes this is what I need. As I wait for my breakfast to grill I check my phone for real this time.

Kakaotalk – taozi, chenchen, Suho, baekhyun, sooman.

Line – Mother, Lawyer, Hangeng

Instagram – oh god don’t get me started with the Instagram…

Missed calls _ Baekhyun, mother, lawyer.

I dial my lawyer first, waiting for him to pick up the phone.

“yes?”I speak as soon as the long rings stop. “its out, its all out, have you seen it?” his voice was nervous, it was shaky. “ no.. whats out? “ I chuckle confused. “everyone knows yifan, its all over the media”

 

I sigh and hang up the phone. Is this really happening? I take my grilled sandwich and it eat dryly as I check some of the comments on my Instagram pictures.

I grab my keys and put on my sunglasses, cap and shoes . Straddling down the streets until I reach a café, I order a hot latte and sit in the corner. Take a sip and curse myself for it. Hot, it burns, it ing burns . My chest Is killing me, my tongue. My eyes are getting teary as my thoughts wander around. Thinking about my mother, my friends, sm and my fans. Everything is going to change. Everything. Slowly im starting to hate myself and my damn heart for it.

after the cafe i went back home, i curled up on the couch and the tv, today is going to be horrible.i placed my phone to the side and focused on the animated cartoon on tv. relax kristopher, relax. youre going to be okay, you have your fans , you have your family and you have your friends. just go with the flow.

after an hour of watching the cartoons i couldn't take it anymore. i needed something, usually i wouldve been exercising or practicing with the rest of the group but its all going to change. i will be alone. im going solo. yes solo. i just need something, something to entertain myself with. i get myself up and walk to the electic piano in the corner, switch it on and play a simple melody. music. yes i need music. i played the same melody for 10 minutes. i couldn't remember other melodies to be honest. im disappointed, no i am the disappointment. 

shut up yifan. shut up. youre strong. you can do this. OH goddness im going crazy. i need to get out. but where, for what. my eyes search around the room for something. phone. they automatically l