Monday, August 10th, 2015

Dear Diary,

I'm officially back to brunet, now. The. . . other hair color (let's be honest, no one really knew what color it was) was so faded my brown roots had grown halfway down my head.

Yes, I am aware that I'm exaggerating, but my mom said I looked terrible and insisted it be washed out. I agreed with her, so I wasn't offended even though I had a right to be. What kind of mother said that to her kid? -.-

I missed my old hair color, anyway.

Sooooooooo, I can walk now! Cheer for me, Diary. Celebration time! If I could dance without falling, I would. To be clear, I tried yesterday, and it didn't work out so well...

Hyukkie came and bought me a cake the day the doctor announced that I didn't need the wheelchair anymore. He was all, “Congratulations, Hae! I knew you could do it!” And he had that smile on his face that showed all his gums and made the skin around his eyes crinkle a little.

And then he hugged me! (And here I am screaming like he's never hugged me before).

But this time it was different. I felt like I was melting in his arms. You know, like they describe in those corny romance novels?

I guess it's true to some extent... I guess. My knees kind of gave out and he had to catch me. So, I had to lie down again because they thought I was overexerting myself or something. Pity.

The moment only lasted like, two seconds, but I could have stayed there all day.

And my day got even better when I was allowed to go see Nina again, this time without the wheelchair! (I had to walk slow, though., in case I fell or something because my bones were still frail. I swear, those doctors worry about everything). Nina was so happy to see us!

Well, that's just my delusions talking. She was actually only excited to see Hyukkie. She slapped my arms away when I went to hug her so that she could go to him instead!

Oh, the pain!

Anyway, we ate the cake together and sat huddled close on her hospital bed. The cake was soooo gooooood! Hyukkie knows me so well! (It's such a cute nickname! But he does not know I call him that in here. So, Diary, you are strictly under lock and key...) I also learned that my fantasies of adopting little Nina, you know, when I'm old enough, are ruined!

Her parents visited her while we were visiting, and they joked that Hyukkie and I looked like a couple with child! I choked on my cake and Hyukkie had to keep me from dying.

I've been exposed!

One sad thing, though. Nina has acute leukemia. That's why she always went back and forth between the hospital and I'd never caught sight of her parents before! But she's going through treatment, so we have faith that she'll get better.

Fighting, Nina!

So, I've already used up two and a half pages and Ma's calling me, so I've gotta go. Plus, I think I've been talking too much about Hyukkie lately (will be switching back to 'Hyukjae' after this sentence for safety measures). I think I should find a hobby.

Thought #87: Last week, I was released from the hospital. Today, Dear Diary, I saw all of him. I felt closer to him. I understood him.

I think I'll tell him tomorrow.

Yours Truly,

~ Donghae

~*.*~

Hyukjae uncapped and recapped the cologne bottle he held in his hands.

Yea, or nay, Hyukjae? Yea or nay?

He spritzed some into the air before him and wafted it towards his nose like he'd seen women do in beauty stores those awkward times he'd gone with his mom. The smell floated back to him and a content smile grew on his face.

Definitely yea, he decided and squirted some onto two sections of his shirt and once behind him so he could step into it.

With a single sniff, he knew he smelled divine, and with a once over in the mirror his attire and hair seemed presentable enough. He grabbed his house keys, wallet, cellphone, and made sure he had a chapstick and stick of gum before shutting off his bedroom light and exiting his room.

He was in a hurry and wanted to make sure above all else that he wouldn't be late and miss the bus. Though on his way down the stairs, Chungho called down to him from above, having just exited his own room.

“Hey, Hyuk. You think you can watch the kids while I go into work early today? I wanna have more time to sleep when I come home today.”

Hyukjae laughed at his father, “You're so lazy.” He knew Chungho had at least two extra hours before work usually started, but he shook his head. “Sorry, though, I can't. I have plans today. But you should ask Kyu, he never watches them, anyway.”

Chungho descended the stairs and met Hyukjae halfway where they continued the rest of the way down. “You've finally found a social life, I see. You've been going out a lot recently.” Chungho smiled at the slight blush that colored Hyukjae's cheeks.

“Yeah, I have.” Hyukjae admitted sheepishly.

Chungho laughed, “I'll see you later.” He said with a couple quick pats on Hyukjae's shoulder. “Make sure Kyu knows.”

“Alright.” Hyukjae watched his dad leave and then turned to go find Kyuhyun.

Said teenager was lying in his bed playing PC games on his laptop when Hyukjae knocked on his door. “Come in!” He called lazily, eyes never leaving the screen.

Hyukjae, being the annoying big brother he was, ran and flopped his entire body onto the bed, causing things to go haywire quickly.

“Dude, what the hell!” Kyuhyun cried, losing control of his laptop which resulted in him dying and losing the game. He gasped, eyes way to wide to look real. “I ing hate you!” He lunged at Hyukjae who rolled so that his back was to the bed and he could fight off his crazy best friend properly.

Kyuhyun smacked Hyukjae's forehead and the elder of the two yelped before pushing himself upward with his leg. He steadied himself and threw his body in Kyuhyun's direction, landing on top of him.

The struggle lasted the whole of two minutes before Hyukjae had Kyuhyun in a headlock and simply held him back with an arm around his neck until Kyuhyun finally gave in and went completely limp in his arms.

“You done?” Hyukjae asked, tired, panting, and sort of pissed because he knew he now looked like hell despite all the work he put into his appearance.

“Done.” Kyuhyun admitted defeat bitterly and resisted from biting down on Hyukjae's wrist. That would start another fight, and he was just way too tired for all of that.

Hyukjae groaned like an old man as he pushed himself off the bed and half-heartedly fixed himself up in Kyuhyun's full-length mirror. Funny how it was that mirror that started it all, nearly a year ago.

He was suddenly feeling nostalgic. And he suddenly remembered how seriously he had to go.

“So I'm leaving now, Dad's already gone, he went into work early, and you have to watch the kids.” Hyukjae said quickly and exited the room.

“No! Wait!” Kyuhyun screamed and scrambled to his feet, following after Hyukjae. But Hyukjae had run and by the time Kyuhyun made it past the kitchen, Hyukjae was already closing the door, “But Hyuk!” He screamed futilely.

With a sigh, Kyuhyun stared blankly at the door. “Damn big-headed kitten.” He muttered and turned around to head back to his room.

But he stumbled backwards and hit the front door with a loud smack. “What's up, Kyu? Why were you screaming?” Minho asked, a wicked smile that reminded Kyuhyun eerily of himself plastered to his face.

Briefly, Kyuhyun wondered if it was permanent. God, I hope not.

He then sighed rather than answer and demanded of the three children, “Don't talk to me. I don't like any of you. Minho's in charge. You're on your own. Don't ask me for anything.”

And then he was gone.

Minho turned around proudly. He was so much taller than Soojung and Sulli as he was nine, now, while Soojung was now seven and Sulli was now five. He dug his fists into his sides and smirked down at them. Soojung pursed her lips and crossed her arms, annoyed at him already.

“You heard the man.” He stuck his chin out, “I'm in charge.”

When Hyukjae stepped off the bus, Donghae was there waiting for him at the bus stop. He looked a bit disheveled or, when Donghae took a moment longer to observe him, shaken up.

Hyukjae rubbed the back of his neck as he approached Donghae who offered him a soft smile. “Surprised that I still live around here, huh?”

Not able to mask his discomfort, Hyukjae in his lower lip and nodded slowly. “I would have expected your place to be at least farther away, but. . .” He paused to look around, at the tall trees, the greenest grasslands, and the clear open sky. He listened to the birds chirping.

He heard the rushing water from the river nearby.

A cold shiver ran through his body and he felt a bit light-headed. If he were to be completely honest, he wanted to go home. Wait for the next bus to come and ride the hour and a half it took to get there all the way back. He didn't feel comfortable at all where he was now.

But he didn't want to tell Donghae that, although he was one hundred-percent sure he already knew. Today was a special day, he couldn't back out now.

From where he stood inspecting Hyukjae, Donghae stopped himself from frowning before it became visible and instead forced a chipper smile on his face. He was very happy, don't get him wrong, but he was more sad for Hyukjae's own obvious sadness. “Come on.” he stuck his hand out and waited for Hyukjae to take it, “I'll take you up to the house.”

The walk wasn't very long, but the incline was steep. By the time they got to Donghae's house, beads of sweat were dripping from Hyukjae's brow and he was short of breath. The first person who greeted them at the door was a person Hyukjae had never met before who laughed the moment he saw Hyukjae's pitiful condition.

“City folk don't fare too well out here, do they?” A harsh laugh ripped from the old man's throat while Hyukjae flushed a deep, embarrassed red.

“Aw, don't , Gramps. He just hasn't been around here in a while. He'll—” Donghae stopped. Oh, crap. He thought.

Gramps' interest was piqued, “You been around here before, Sonny?”

Hyukjae nodded, “Yeah.” he muttered.

“Well, I'll be. . .” The old man smiled, “When?”

Hyukjae dropped his head down and swallowed. He wondered if the old man knew the story behind why he'd found Donghae that day. “Uh. . .”

“Graaamps.” Donghae whined, trying to save Hyukjae the trouble of answering. 'A long time ago' would have been an easy and acceptable answer for Hyukjae to say, but Donghae knew the strain even that would put him through.

Gramps chuckled a little, pouting cutely in his old age, “I was just asking a question.”

Donghae loved his grandfather, he was always so cheerful. “Yeah well, not today. C'mon, let's go to see everyone else.”

Hyukjae was dragged through the farmhouse, memories flying through his head of how he, Kyuhyun, and some of the other children of the orphanage had found an abandoned old farmhouse a couple miles away from where they stayed.

They were scared so less Hyukjae had peed his pants and Kyuhyun defended him with his incoherent 'baby' speech from the other kids' teasing. Amused at the sudden old memory, Hyukjae would have smiled had he not been pulled into the living room in that exact moment.

There sat Donghae's mother, father, and sister, along with some old woman he didn't recognize but he assumed was Donghae's grandmother watching some comedy movie on a widescreen television. They all turned their heads, though, when Donghae, Hyukjae, and Donghae's grandfather all entered the room.

“Well, well, well. Look who it is.” Donghae's father, whom Hyukjae had learned was named Kwang Do but whom he referred to as Sir, started in immediately, “The boy who ran away.”

“Dad,” Donghae frowned, “don't start.”

“I'm just sayin' we'd have known him a lot better if he didn't start avoiding us like we were the plague. You even figured out our visiting schedule for both the weekdays and the weekends, didn't you?” He asked Hyukjae, his harsh voice hitting him like a rock.

But Hyukjae knew he was just being playful, despite not sounding so friendly. So, he nodded sheepishly.

Donghae's mother, whom Hyukjae had learned was named Ji Ae but whom he referred to as Ma'am, slapped her husband lightly on the arm. “Stop it, I don't blame him for being that way.” She stood and walked over to her son and Hyukjae. “Come and join us. We were just about to eat dinner, it should be about ready now.”

She paused on her way past Hyukjae, though, and squeezed his shoulder comfortingly, “We are glad you're here, Hyukjae.” She smiled brightly at him while he nodded back awkwardly. Donghae laughed at him.

“Shut up.” he muttered.

Dinner at Donghae's house was always served early, very early compared to the eight-o'clock dinners Hyukjae's family had. It was barely six-thirty when Hyukjae finished eating and he knew he'd be starving again in two hours at the very least.

The meal was good, though, and in a full bow he thanked Ji Ae sincerely for the meal while announcing quickly that he should be making his leave.

Despite his burning desire to stay with Donghae for as long as he could every day since the boy was now home and remarkably better, he had to say that the dinner made him much too uncomfortable.

It had brought back the familiar guilt that frequently ate away at him. It brought back the self-hatred, and the pity; it increased his desire to leave. To run away.

Throughout most of dinner, the discussion had been on the past and how nostalgic the memories made them feel. They spoke about Da Young's first birthday and her incessant fear of clowns, the time when Kwang Do burnt the Christmas ham and instead the family ate popcorn for dinner and watched A Christmas Carol. They also spoke about the time when Donghae had fallen from a tree in the backyard trying to save a random cat like some town hero, among many other things.

But mostly, they talked about memories that Donghae hadn't originally shared with them. Hyukjae noted how talk of Donghae started only from when he was aged seven and up.

And it hurt.

It hurt so badly. He was guilty. And he wanted to leave, so he didn't have to see Donghae's frozen smile when his family talked about times they'd lived together but he hadn't. He was the cause of that separation, and Hyukae didn't want to be there to witness it.

“Da Young,” Hyukjae turned and bowed to the girl that stood glaring at him from the hallway. He had already made his way to the front door. “Happy Birthday. I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. Next time, though.” He promised.

Da Young sneered at him, “Yeah, if there is a next time. My guess is you'll run away again until Donghae gets sad enough to go out and drag you back.”

“Da Young!” Donghae protested loudly, greatly annoyed by her attitude towards Hyukjae since his arrival.

The now seventeen year-old girl simply shrugged her shoulders at her brother and sauntered away. Donghae glared briefly at her before turning back to Hyukjae, “Hyukki—Hyuk, I'm so sorry. She didn't mean—”

“It's alright, Hae. You don't have to apologize. And I'm sure she meant it, but it's fine.” Hyukjae smiled wryly. “I'll see you again, okay?”

Without hesitation and very little thought, Hyukjae bent low and nearly placed an innocent kiss on Donghae's cheek in front of his entire family.

Nearly.

Donghae was quick and ducked away from Hyukjae. “No.” He said firmly.

Hyukjae snapped upward, an alarmed look on his face. “No? But, Hae—”

“No.” Donghae shook his head and grabbed Hyukjae's hand with both of his own, tightly, “We're gonna go outside and you're gonna spend some time with me.”

A snicker at Donghae's back sounded. “You go, Hae Hae!” His father whispered childishly. Ji Ae hushed him.

Hyukjae blushed, having forgotten super quickly that Donghae's family was watching. “Haeeee, another time—”

“No. We're going outside, okay?”

The look in Donghae's eyes was so sincere and bold, it made Hyukjae's heart involuntarily skip a beat. He was terribly embarrassed, but he also had to fight from smiling at Donghae's familiar forward personality. It made him feel good. Really good.

“Okay. . .” He eventually gave in.

'Outside' to Donghae obviously meant a completely random 3-pointer—“First one to 30 points, wins!”—basketball shootout.

There was a makeshift basketball court that Donghae and Kwang Do had set up back when he was in middle school in their vast backyard. In the game's beginning, Donghae had started out strong, scoring four “three's” off the backboard in a row before Hyukjae could even score two.

But fatigue set in quickly for Donghae's still out-of-shape body and Hyukjae ended up scoring the needed ten baskets while Donghae settled on only six.

“C'mon, Hae. Let's take a rest.” Hyukjae suggested, but Donghae slapped his arm away.

“No! I'm pissed! Let's go again!”

“Donghae!” Hyukjae cried, surprised and extremely amused by the other boy's intense competitiveness. “You can barely stand, let's take a break!”

“But, Hyukkie!” Donghae cried and instantly slapped a hand over his mouth. “I-I . . . I mean. . .”

“Did you just call me 'Hyukkie'?”

Fiercely shaking his head, Donghae shouted, “No!” And tried in all his might to rush past Hyukjae. It was futile, though, and Hyukjae stopped him easily with a hand to his chest. The two were silent for a moment.

“But. . .” Hyukjae leaned down so that his and Donghae's faces were just inches apart. “I like it.”

Donghae completely sputtered on nothing, then. Dead, he was. Just dead.

He noticed that Hyukjae had the same expression on his face as he did the day he found him awake in the hospital. The expression Donghae wanted an explanation for so badly but on which he wouldn't dare lay down his hopes. He thought he knew with an aching heart what that expression meant, but he was too afraid to speak on it.

He was certain, though, that his own expression looked just the same, as he stared longingly into Hyukjae's eyes.

Hyukjae. . . was just too much for him.

“I-I, um . . . You're. . .” Donghae stuttered, not able to find his words.

Hyukjae smiled widely, loving the effect he had on Donghae. “I'm what?” He asked playfully.

Donghae hesitated. . . “Stupid!” He yelled the first word he found and speed-walked away, cheeks crimson.

Hyukjae cracked up and slowly followed behind.

Donghae was just too cute.

They ended up taking an ultra slow stroll through the family's farmland, talking about a series of topics and asking multiple questions.

Hyukjae began first.

“So, are you ever gonna tell me how you ended up in a coma?” He asked, eyes twinkling in curiosity.

Donghae frowned, an embarrassed tint flooding his cheeks. “Uh. . . well. . . I was racing Da Young on my horse, Rocket. She was beating me and I was all 'Hell the no!' and so I sped up and passed her, looked back and didn't realize there was a bobbed-wire fence ahead, Rocket reared up and I wasn't ready and I fell off and completely out.” Donghae scrunched up his nose, “The end.”

Hyukjae laughed at the look on Donghae's face. “Your competitive streak is amazing, you know that? I never knew!”

“Shut up. . . She won't win next time, though.” Donghae sneered while Hyukjae cracked up again.

It had fallen from bright summer light to sunset in a matter of thirty minutes. It had to be sometime around seven o'clock and the animals' cries were beginning to fade while the countryside's natural sounds heightened in the coming quiet.

By this time, Hyukjae and Dongh