Pain, Relief, Farewell

***

Today I woke up and what I could feel was the sudden pain that struck my brain without warning. My alarm with baby blue color was ringing like a mad, which didn’t help me at all. I would have thrown it straight to the wall, just to shut it up. But, remembering that it was my favorite yet precious thing, I couldn’t do anything except calmly reaching the ringing device and snoozing it off.

 

My head was throbbing hard like it was going to explode any moment. It just, hurt so much.

 

I kept on squeezing my head in order to ease the pounding pain, but to my dismay it didn’t go away. Good thing it didn’t last more than 2 minutes or so. I huffed when I didn’t feel any torture and just sat on my bed quietly, staring with blank expression towards the horizon before my eyes. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with my body for having this unexpected stunt in the morning. Peace was all I wanted to have.

 

I got up from my position with a groan, the pain came when I bent down a bit, it hurt like hell. Pushing myself up tiredly, I still had school to attend. How I wish today was a weekend instead.  

 

After preparing what thing I should prepare, stuffs about school like always, I went to do my routine inside the bathroom. It took me more than 15 minutes to come out all freshened up with uniform attached on, which was my longest record to spend my time inside a cubicle like that.

 

It wasn’t my intention, thanks to that damned pain which had visited me when I was about to brush my teeth. I was sweating like crazy, and the mirror in front of me was blurry because of the heat that increased around me. I had to grip on the sink with all my might, just to balance my body so the thought of having an accident inside my bathroom didn’t happen. Because probably my would have kissed the bathroom’s floor in such a gauche way.

 

It was already 7 as I spared my eyes towards the clock. Wow, time sure flied fast.

 

While shouldering my bag, I took a deep breath to calm my ragging brain.

 

I’m okay.

 

I chanted it inside my mind repeatedly. It was like a suggestion. The more I told myself that I was okay and in a blink of eye, I would be all okay. 

 

I pushed the door open, and walked quietly down to the kitchen. The room was in silence, I saw my father sit with his morning newspaper in hands sprang open, mother was back-facing me, probably busy chopping something. I heard a sob, it was coming from my mom so without thought I began to approach her, and when I placed myself beside her, the view almost made me laugh out loud. My mother was chopping the onions, no wonder her face now was full of tears.

 

Didn’t want to disturb her task, I shuffled back and saw Hayeon was coming out from her room. Her eyes were red, and puffy. It was awful, I could say so, she would probably get interrogated by our parents and her friends at school. Hehehe.. Such a very bad time for crying.

 

I was about to ask her regarding how big her eyes were, maybe because of that drama last night, but, my eyes again caught a glimpse of time and it would be the best for me to go straight to the school if I didn’t want to late. Hayeon then turned the Television on for us to watch. But I didn’t have time left.

 

So, here I was, bidding my goodbye towards them. I wasn’t paying attention whether they heard me or not because my presence at school was mattered the most. Huh.. How I wish my school is as free as Hayeon’s....

 

My feet was walking in a fast pace, almost broke into run. Thankfully, by the time I arrived at school, there were still people outside the class much to my relief.

 

I wasn’t late. Wohooo...

 

I hopped into the class excitedly but the moment later, I cursed my earlier hyperactive movement for now, what I got was the pain on my head again. God..

 

A groan came out of my mouth as my hand was slowly massaging my aching head. Feeling slightly dizzy, I dragged my body to my respective seat quietly. Once I got there, my head immediately tucked over my palms and decided to rest. I hope my teacher didn’t notice me, if I stole a minute or two for a nap. With that, I felt my eyelids went heavy as my ears caught a faint of ringing bell that meant the class would begin, very soon. 

 

.

 

***

I snapped up and found myself was still in the middle of the class. Glancing from side to side, I saw my two prankster friends Sooyoung and Yoona at the corner, not so far from my current seat. It was weird though, because both of them now were just paying their attention towards the lesson. Hell no, the last thing they would do willingly was study and it would happen when there wasn’t any food left in this world. Literally.

 

What a surprise.

 

My eyes trailed further, and now fixed at the certain girl with brown color and a bit of wavy in the end of her hair who sat calmly in front my two of friends. I squinted my eyes, this girl seemed familiar to me. Her pointed nose, her jaw, thin lips, small eyes, and height that I assumed same with my own or at least a bit tall by an inch or two. But still, I couldn’t remember, who she actually was.

 

Fingers were drumming against my table as I was trying hard to think. Was she a new student? But, it was our last year in high school, wouldn’t it make such a hassle if you had to move in to a new school all of sudden, right?

 

My thought got cut off as I felt the rushed feeling come.

 

Dang. This pain.

 

I slumped over the table almost in an instant. It created a thud sound as my chin went down and bumped onto the wooden surface, but it seemed like everybody wasn’t giving a damn for any sound except the teacher’s. It’s hurt.

 

My body stayed quiet, and I didn’t move a muscle. Hoping that it would help me regaining my strength.

 

The anguish feeling didn’t last longer.

 

Soon after the bell rang, I was all okay and thank god, my teacher wasn’t notice me!!

 

I waved dorkily the moment he stepped out of the class. Fiuh...

 

While smiling I was about to approach my friends, but both of them immediately rushed to the girl with brown hair earlier. My gut was right when it told me that she wasn’t a newcomer or something because my friends seemed to know her very well.

 

I saw her palms were covering half of her face, and what was that?

 

Is she crying?

 

With furrowed eyebrows, my eyes were still examining them in place. If either Yoona or Sooyoung who was the reason behind her cry, I would definitely scold them. Both of them had to learn for not being straightforward and blunt at times, their words might unintentionally hurt her feeling, right? 

 

Like a shorty or midget for me, that they had addressed towards me almost every day.

I was average. Sobs. My heart was hurting man.

 

I was still pitying my fate when I saw the brown haired girl dashed out of the class. With my two of friends trailed behind her. The two pranksters were yelling at the running figure, and all I could do was staring at them dumbfounded.  

 

I left alone in the class with nothing but aching feeling on my chest all of sudden when I heard someone’s name being called.

Who’s that girl?

***

Sooyoung and Yoona didn’t even greet me in the school. Both of them were busy with that brown haired girl who was crying in the class earlier.

 

Was she really important to them? And now chose to spend their time with her?

 

That they even dared enough to ignore me who was their friends since diapers? Or they were planning to prank me this time? By ignoring me all day long?

 

Fine. I was okay without the need to talk to vacuum cleaner like a mouth for a day or so. Pffft...

 

I kicked the pebbles as I walked on a path near my house. On the way of my journey towards home, I saw that brown haired.

The same girl, who by now was staring at my house with, what? sad eyes? Huh?

 

Was she aware that the house she stared at…was mine? And it still is? 

 

Or was she homeless?

 

Ah.. Scratch that. Her condition was far from any criteria of homeless person.

 

So, what was she doing right there?

 

But again, I saw her walking away in rush. And for the second time at a day, I witnessed her crying without reason.

 

***

“Oh my gosh!”

 

I yelped as the pain struck came mercilessly and caused my body to jolt at the awful feeling. Sweats were forming that I could feel my whole body being drenched with it.  

While panting, I was trying to steady my breath, I searched for something to ease my dried throat. When I found nothing on my nightstand, I moved a bit and began to get up from my bed. Sloppily walking towards the door, I grabbed its knob and twisted it open.

 

My eyes were adjusting at the darkness the moment my door swung open. Walking down at stairs carefully, I did my best to scan my quiet house. Maybe, it was midnight or so.

I safely landed on my own and processed to go to the kitchen.

 

I was shambling my way towards its direction, thank god the kitchen’s lamp was still on. Then I began to open the cupboard to take out a glass. I didn’t plan to drink any cold water though; it would only increase the pain inside my already aching head. Choosing the good option, I reached for a kettle and began to pour its contain inside my glass.  

 

I gulped the remaining water and sighed in relief. At least, the pain was being washed away along with water that ran down through my throat though.

 

Turning my body around and my mouth almost produced a scream when I saw my father sat without sound; face looked calm-agitated in the dining room. His face was showing me nothing but tiredness. He was a strict father to me and my younger sister. He didn’t like to show his caring side to us, because well, our grandfather with military background probably did the same way as him, they didn’t want their child to turn into a brat. But, I just knew, it won’t change his love regardless with whichever methods he used to raise us.

 

He might look strong outside but he was as soft as the vulnerable dandelion deep inside. I wasn’t really close with him though, just the moment like this, I felt like I knew his true self. He loved our family so much. 

 

I placed my glass in the sink. My brain was contemplating whether I had to approach him or not. I simply didn’t want to disturb his personal time, so I quietly sneaked back to my room the next second.
 

***

 

The next day, I kept on finding the same brown haired girl was shedding her tears. Was my presence would only bring such a misery to her? Why in the hell she had to cry when I happened to see her? I couldn’t witness anyone with tears on their faces, I just had this soft spot for tears.

 

The odd feeling was whenever she cried, I would feel bad and an agony feeling just rushed to my chest. It hurt, strangely.

 

“Huh, I miss that funny girl.”

 

I turned around and saw two students were talking in a low voice in the corner. One of the girls had this sad face and the other was having a stoic expression. I thought she didn’t pay attention or something to whatever rumble her friend was talking, but the moment words came upon .

 

“Me too.”

 

It was short. But it contained with sorrow. Then now I knew, what mask actually meant.

 

This impassive looking girl was trying hard to mask her feeling, she wanted to look strong. Maybe in this case, she looked exactly like my father.

 

Trying hard to cover, their feeling and true-self.

 

Wow, my observing side..

***

”My oh my.”

 

I couldn’t help but mumble it as I saw the same exact girl who stared at my house intensively like before. It was strange though. 

 

And now, I planned to confront this girl. I couldn’t have this stalker girl to keep coming to my house and then ran away with tears filled face just like that. I needed to know, what was the reason. At least next time, I would prepare a box of tissue in front of the gate or something like that. 

 

In the exact 2 minutes, this girl spun her body around and was running away like always. My feet bolted and ran into her direction too, well, I was making sure that she would be okay though. I cared for people a lot, you know.

 

Her direction seemed familiar, but it sent a chilly sensation straight to my spine when I realized where she was going to.

 

A cemetery.

 

Is she really homeless?

 

She stood there, rooted, back-facing me. Eyes were boring the stone below her. Her breath hitched, probably the after match of her attempt to run non-stop earlier was finally catching up. Soon after, I heard sobs escaped from .

 

She bent down a bit and was placing one hand above its surface. She grazed it softly. 

 

I could tell the one who laid inside that peaceful place was her relative or someone she dearly loved.

 

I gulped, and kept quiet. I chose not to pray though.

 

“Tae..”

 

Huh? Is she know I’m here?

 

“Taeyeon…”

 

She called it, she called my name. But, why didn’t she turn around?

 

“Taetae, are you okay in there?”

 

What?

 

How could she know my nickname? I didn’t even know her name.

 

I took a step forward, I was curious with the person this familiar girl was talking about. But the moment I saw ten words, part of alphabet neatly arranged on the stone.

 

That name.

 

Kim Taeyeon

 

“Miyoung is lonely here.” She said softly, almost like a whisper. And again, her sobs turned into painful cries. 

 

It stung.

 

All at once, I felt my head got heavier and hurt badly. My chest was aching too in the same time. It didn’t take much time when I found myself falling on the ground. I felt wobbly, I lost my strength. My lips quivered at the words of death. Hands and body were trembling with the refuse to acknowledge. My head kept on pounding when the truths were mercilessly entering my already messed mind.    

 

I was dead.

 

I had death.

 

My tears were trailing down slowly when I realized my condition.

 

Was my mother’s tears at that day is the effect of chopping onions only?

 

Was my younger sister’s red and puffy are the result of watching a drama the night before?

 

Was my father’s empty gaze at that very night is because of work related?

 

Were Sooyoung and Yoona really ignoring me all day long? Or rather, I was just invisible for them to see?

 

And now, how could I even forget my own dear best friend’s name?

 

I swallowed hard the bitter revelations, how could I don’t know?

 

How could I forget?

 

The mirror inside my bathroom was blurred or my reflection wasn’t there in the first place?

 

When I bid my goodbye, no one answered me back. How dense I could be, huh?

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I shouldn’t be all excited and kick that ball really hard.” She sighed with a hint of regret on her voice. “So, you wouldn’t have to run across the street just to pick that silly ball.”

 

She chocked on her words as more tears were sliding down her cheeks. “That truck driver is at fault too! Why did he need to be in rush!!!”

 

She angrily said with a tight fists formed on her both hands.

 

Silence immersed, both of us were trying hard to control our emotions.

 

I hurt you a lot, don’t I?

 

I clenched my jaw at the thought of it.

 

“I-I will let you go..” She stated suddenly. “I’m sorry for keeping you here, you must be wondering, don’t you?”

 

Was that why I kept on feeling pains? Because you still thought a lot about me?

 

My lips curled into a smile.

 

“Thank you.” I said as I stood on my position slowly. The pain was no longer there. Thank goodness.

 

“For letting go of me, Tiffany…”

 

The latter turned her head in shock as if she heard what I was talking about. Or indeed she heard?

 

“Taeyeon???”

 

How I miss to be called by you, my best friend.

 

I just smiled, that was our closure. Or mine? Well, at least I had peace now.

Maybe that was the reason why my soul was still oddly wondering here, I had to settle something. And it was such a relief to be honest. I tied no weights and pains behind anymore.

 

Now, how could I go back to my new world?

 

Is there any transportation?

 

I didn’t know why, but the sudden blew of an air was coming to my direction, it halted Tiffany to move any closer as she tried to shield her eyes from the unexpected breeze.

My body slowly disappeared the moment she stepped closer again. With the limit of time, I left her with words that crossed my mind.

 

“Goodbye, err... Hello??”

 

I chose to add Hello behind my farewell words, because there wasn’t any good when bye attached to it.

 

She rubbed her eyes, unsure with my words, but well, that was all I could ever say in that span of time. And in a snap of fingers, I vanished along with the wind that blown earlier.

 

Maybe I would live happily in this new world.

 

Or who knows, maybe God is kind enough and decides to reincarnate me into something to be sent into her life once again, right? 

 

Who knows?