After ten years I can’t imagine that I’ll be here again, here in the house where I learn how to right my name, where I learn to count, where I learn how to read, and where I learn to dream. That was a Sunday evening, here in this balcony, when I knew what my dream is.

Our house is old now, no one lives here but I don’t care, dry leaves from the big tree where my old swing is hang, surrounds our house, in our balcony and on the roof. That suppose to make me sad, but I can’t feel anything. I never dream to see our house again, but I just want to see it, for the last time, this is what I need, I need this so I can move on and I’ll be happy, not like this, I’m full of hatred, that even hurting my family

I enter inside our house, while my husband and my kids are waiting outside, they’re precious to me, but I always hurt them. My husband and I are married for four years now; I have three year old daughter and one year old son

When I enter the house, I saw our old sofa where I used to sit alone watching TV.  I want to be alone everytime, all my days in this house. The sofa is old and full of dust, but I can still see my mom and dad happily kissing and tickling my sister, my older sister who I hate the most, she’s good to me, but I hate her, I can see her smiling even she’s wearing a mask, while me, who is the pretty little girl, the one who is good in school, the one wearing a pink dress, with a silky long hair is standing on the doorway, hugging my only friend, my Venus, the goddess of beauty, I am watching them, wishing that they’ll notice me too . I wipe my tears and walk to the kitchen

“Mom? Can I have cake?” I heard my sister asks, my mom smiles and in a swift get some ingredients to bake for her, while me, is watching her, wondering why  mom didn’t cook for me when I ask her that morning. That beastie smiles at me, but I rolled my eyes

I looked at the stair where I used to sit everytime my back hurts, everytime I’m crying while dad and mom are hugging my sister, inside her room. I am always alone and this is where I belong. I can see that our stair is not that strong anymore, this is not strong to comfort me. I made my last step and saw the door of my parents’ room. I don’t want to, but I opened it. I can see my sisters photos on the walls, she’s smiling even she’s not that pretty, compare to me, she’s a beast, while I am a princess

“Mom? Can I sleep here with you?” I asks, my mom shook her head and she’s angry with me for opening the door

“Your sister is sleeping, get out!” she said. I hung my head low, and hugs Venus. I went back to my room, I had no choice

I closed the door and saw the other, the door of my sister’s room, I walked and held the doorknob, and I opened it
She has a big bed, mom bought this so they can sleep beside her, she has a big closet, even my closet can be inside that, my mom really bought that because every after work, mom bought dress for her

I saw her photo on the bedside table, and I have no plan to get it, I don’t want my children to know her

I finally reach my room’s door, but I can’t, I don’t want to open it. I look around and I realized, it’s been ten years now since I touch my door knob

I decided to stay still and all memories came back
 

I was born, two years after my sister. I was born, they said because I was planned. I was planned they said because I’m not loved, not like my sister. They said, in all new born babies in the world, I am the unluckiest, I am the pitiful

I heard when I was seven, that when I was born, my sister was saved. And for that, she must be forever grateful
My sister was diagnosed having cancer when she was still a year old, and the only thing in the world that will save her, is the poor little angel that is in pain now. I always thought, if she was not sick, maybe I was born to a happy family, and not to them

Growing up, every month I go with her in the hospital even I am not sick. When I was still a kid, I thought I’m sick, but when I turned seven, I realized, I’m the cure. They get something from me, to save my sister

A pain that I always feel everytime she needs to be operated is still here inside my heart, the physical pain will just last for weeks but the pain is still here, and the ones who are suffering this now is the family who is waiting for me outside praying that when I came back I’m fine

I still remember that Christmas eve, when my friends are enjoying their gifts from their parents while I’m inside the operating room, shouting. My sister is shouting too and I know what she felt, but me, I don’t have to feel this, because I’m fine. The most painful is my parents are beside my sister while I’m alone, holding the pillow tight, crying in pain too

I endure that for years, until o