Hakyeon could feel the heavy atmosphere. The tension in the small white room that pressed down on him as if it was attempting to break him. Hakyeon held his shoulders steady, teeth biting at the inside of his cheek to prevent the tears he could feel building in his eyes, hands clenched against his thighs to stop them trembling. He could feel their Managers hand shaking on his shoulder; hear the soft sobs that feel from his mother’s mouth. The soft words his father whispered to her did nothing to calm the ache that had settled itself deep inside Hakyeon, the sorrow that made him want to scream because this was unfair. This whole situation was unfair and surreal. He wanted to speak, to tell the doctor that she was wrong, that there couldn’t be something wrong with him. That he was a perfectly healthy twenty-two year old male that had never gone wild with alcohol, had never smoked and more importantly, was a dancer, one who just debuted as the leader of a group of six boys with big dreams. This couldn’t be happening to him, this wasn’t the life he was meant to have. Hakyeon felt cheated, beaten down and the pain in his chest was worse than ever right now yet he refused to clench it or show pan because he was not ill, he wasn’t dying. He couldn’t be.

          ‘It’s HCM for sure, or in medical terms, Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. What this means for Hakyeon-sshii is that the muscles in his heart, at one side, are thickened. This means he has restricted blood flow in some of his arties and too heavy a flow in others. There’s no obvious cause for HCM, but it is a common occurrence in athletes and dancers like Hakyeon-sshi. It does cause cardiac arrest but we have caught it, we know he has it and we can work at preventing it. From the MRI and blood tests it doesn’t seem to be endangering him. He has all the symptoms; the shortness of breath, the chest pains, palpitations of his heart, fatigue but he hasn’t fainted or had any extremely crippling moments of pain which is a good sign. For now I will prescribe Beta Blockers to slow the rate of his heart and then….’ The doctor spoke gently. Her words filled with medical terms that Hakyeon didn’t even want to comprehend as he watched her gesture to various things on the slides she was showing his parents and managers. The only thing on Hakyeon’s mind was the group. Would he have to leave Vixx? They were only a week into promoting their debut song ‘Superhero’. He was only a week into achieving the thing he’d wanted his whole life, he was finally beginning his dream of being able to dance on stage. Hakyeon loved it, he loved the cheers, the lights, the sweat that poured down his face as he danced for them, even if they didn’t like Vixx, the crowd would still watch their every move, watch his. Hakyeon had only gotten his first taste of being an idol, a performer with people who knew his name, wanted to know him, wanted to see him. Not only had he a new career but he had five boys to care for, to lead. What would they say if he suddenly left them? If he decided to live out his life safely, if he decided to shape his life around his heart condition. Would Hongbin ever call him his ‘inspirational hyung’ again? Would Sanghyuk ever ask him to dance with him for hours because Sanghyuk was frustrated but didn’t want to be alone? Would they treat him the same, or would they be constantly worried about his heart? About Hakyeon suddenly dropping dead from the pressure?

            Then there was Jung Taekwoon. Jung Taekwoon with his pretty eyes, shy smile and chubby cheeks.  Jung Taekwoon, who liked to hold him close at night, liked to place his hand on Hakyeons chest to feel the hum of his heart, to know it was real, that Hakyeon was there for him and always would be. Taekwoon, who kissed him when no one was looking, held his hand under the dining room table while Hakyeon laughed and debated stupid topics with Jaehwan. Taekwoon, Taekwoon who was beautiful in every way with his firm broad shoulders and the well formed planes of his chest, the way his dark hair fell into his almost charcoal eyes, those pretty almond eyes that disappeared when he laughed. Hakyeon let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him as he finally slumped forward, hands covering his eyes. He didn’t want this to happen. He didn’t want to give it all up; he didn’t want to give up Taekwoon. He knew the other wouldn’t pursue their relationship if Hakyeon left. They’d talked about it. They talked in the dark of the practice room the day before the final eliminations. They knew there was a possibility one of them would make it when the other wouldn’t and they agreed, agreed that they wouldn’t pursue this relationship if one made it and the other didn’t. Idol relationships were tricky and for a newly debuted band it would be suicidal; they didn’t even want to talk about how the country would react if they were ever caught. They’d never show their faces on television again, they’d never be able to walk the streets without being cursed at. They agreed to stop if one of them didn’t make it or debuted in another group. Hakyeon wasn’t ready to give up Taekwoon; he didn’t think he’d ever be able to give up the younger. He’d carved his way into Hakyeons heart and there was no turning back. Nothing would ever fill the Taekwoon shaped space in his heart.

         ‘Come on Yeonie, it’s all going to be okay. I promise. We can work around this’ his manager massaged his shoulders as he led the young man from the hospital room. His parents followed behind them with soft whispers and sad voices. Hakyeon couldn’t look at them; he couldn’t bear to face them. He’d failed them as a son. ‘This isn’t…this isn’t something that we can make okay’ Hakyeon murmured brokenly.  The hands on his shoulders were strong but trembling, Hakyeon knew their manager wanted to cry, wanted to make it all right, wipe away everything to save him from the pain. ‘I know Hakyeon, this is going to be hard and I’m honestly scared for you’ he sighed softly, pausing, the words Hakyeon didn’t want to hear on the tip of his tongue. ‘I won’t leave them. I can’t. They need me. I refuse to let them do this alone or let you take me from them’ Hakyeon finally let a sob fall from his lips as they entered the underground garage, ‘I won’t let them go, I can’t. I don’t care if this crappy heart gives up but I won’t. I can’t leave them now’. Hakyeon was pulled into his mangers chest as he sobbed, muffling his screams in the material of the older man’s shirt. ‘I know you won’t. You’re their leader Hakyeon and the best leader they’ll ever have, it’s one of the many reasons we chose you. Because they love you and need you more than they need any of the others, you’re the only one able to make them work as a team. And I promise we’ll figure this. We’ll work it out with the company’ their manager promised, a hand soothing Hakyeon’s hair softly. Hakyeon nodded against the others shoulder.

                        ‘I can’t tell them. They can’t know. they won’t be able to work or handle being an idol if they are constantly worried about me dying at any second’ Hakyeon pleaded. Their manger pulled back, firm hands on Hakyeons shoulders and a stern look in his eyes, ‘You are not going to die Hakyeon. You heard the doctor, we can cure this, and we can fight it’. Hakyeon only nodded weakly, tears dribbling down his face as his head raced to take in everything he’d learned in the last week. He’d gone from chest pains to blood test to MRI scans and genetic tests that left him nauseated and distracted while trying to complete comeback stages, a fan sign and interviews. ‘It’s just…it’s too much and I just…it’s unfair....’ Hakyeon ran a hand through his hair. He let his words die off as his mother all but ran towards him, her tiny frame colliding with his own slim one. Her tears wet his collarbones through his shirt. He gripped her tightly, quieting his own sobs as she cried. ‘My boy, my beautiful beautiful son. I’m so sorry, my beautiful baby boy’ she sobbed, Hakyeon gazed at his father. His father looked like ten years had been taken off his life, his face lacking its usual bright smile, his eyes filled with grief and worry. Hakyeon gave them a watery smile, ‘It’s not like I’m dead yet’. His mother scowled, a hand slapping his shoulder as she erupted into a speech about how that wasn’t even funny anymore. Hakyeon could hear the unspoken ‘because it could happen someday soon’ in her voice and tried not to focus on the thought that weighed them all down as they parted ways. His manager sighed as he watched the young boy gaze out the window, waving sadly to his parent’s as if it would be the last time he’d seen them. ‘It could be the last time he sees them’ his mind told him as he focused on driving, ‘The heart is a tricky muscle and you heard the doctor, HCM is unpredictable. Even if he’s good now, he mightn’t be in a few weeks’.

         It was passed mid-night when they arrived at the dorm. Hakyeon’s head was fuzzy, eyes closing every few seconds yet his stomach churned and made him feel ill to his very core. ‘It’s the side effects of the medication, they’ll make you feel ill the first week after taking them but that means they’re working’ the pretty nurse in the pharmacy had told them when she’d handed them a bottle of white pills to be taken daily. Hakyeon hid the pills in the bottom of his bag, burying it underneath a pile of clothes and his towel. He couldn’t let the others find it. The company had agreed that it was best to keep the members in a blissful state of ignorance until Hakyeon’s condition became bad enough to disrupt his work. It was something they’d start preparing for but judging by the medical reports the company decided that it was safe for Hakyeon to continue as normal, that it wouldn’t endanger him. He’d agreed, promising to inform his manager of any increase in pain or the development of new symptoms and agreed to attend a medical appointment every two months, an MRI scan every six months to make sure there was no new thickening in his heart. Hakyeon was tired, tired of hearing about his disease, tired of discussing it and what it would mean for him and his career. No one had talked about his future because they all knew; they knew Hakyeon might never live to the golden age of sixty let alone past that point. He’d heard one of the board members whisper as he left the room, ‘The kid won’t surpass thirty, everyone knows HCM can’t be cured, we’re just easing his pain until he bites it’. Hakyeon didn’t want to think about it any longer, he didn’t want to be reminded of his failing heart. He wanted to sleep and that was what he planned to do as he entered the dorm, kicking off his shoes carelessly. Their manager ignored it, deciding not to scold him for being messy and disorderly. The boy had been through so much today and anymore might break him, so he decided to bid him goodnight and head to his room, ignoring the opening of the bedroom door.

      Hakyeon sighed tiredly, hanging up his coat on the rack as he let his bag fall to the floor. He was about to turn when arms wrapped around his waist, a heavy head falling on his shoulder, the familiar scent of apples invading his senses. ‘What are you doing awake Taekwoon? You should be resting’ Hakyeon scolded tiredly, letting himself sink back into the strong chest. ‘You didn’t call. You didn’t come home. I was worried’ Taekwoon spoke softly, arms tightening around the smaller male. ‘I’m fine Taekwoon, the hospital was crazy with people that actually needed medical attention and the traffic on the way home was even worse’ Hakyeon lied, squeezing his eyes shut. He tried to block out the thoughts, the vicious ones that told him to enjoy it while he can, to take all he could get before it was too late because he might not have another year left. He fought the urge to cry, swallowing the lump in his throat as Taekwoon placed soft kisses on his shoulder. ‘Are you okay? You’re shaking?’ Taekwoon’s voice was concerned, sad and worried. Hakyeon wanted to tell, want to tell him that he was probably going to die in the next few years, that he was sorry, sorry for being a useless leader and an even worse boyfriend but he didn’t. Instead he turned around and kissed the other tiredly, enjoying the way Taekwoon didn’t question him. He let Taekwoon pick him up, legs around his waist as he kissed him happily, hands cupping Taekwoon’s soft cheeks, thumbs caressing cheek bones as Taekwoon hummed into his mouth. ‘I’m glad you’re okay’ Taekwoon whispered, nipping his lip softly. Hakyeon forced a smile on his lips, the lies were getting easier with each smile,' Of course I’m okay. Nothing will ever keep me from you Taek, nothing. I promised, remember?’ Taekwoon nodded eyes half lidded with sleep as he carried the other into their shared room. Hakyeon expected him to drop him on his own futon between Jaehwan and Hongbin but Taekwoon never let him go. The other simply sat on his futon, dragging his blankets up around them and wedging a pillow between him and the wall. He pulled Hakyeon’s hood over his head, pressing a kiss to his forehead, ‘Sleep, you look tired’. Hakyeon smiled as he cuddled into the others warmth. This, just being with Taekwoon like this made him believe he’d made the right decision.

                                                                                                *

               It was during their promotions for ‘On and on’ that Hakyeon found himself on the bathroom floor backstage. His knees had given out, his vision was blurring and he felt sick. It wasn’t long before he was leaning over the toilet, heaving up everything he’d eaten that day. He had texted their manager, he’d told him to send the others home with their second manager and come get him when the cost was clear. Hakyeon had felt it coming. He knew the medication had stopped working. The aches in his chest developed into clenching pains that lasted for at maximum an hour and a half, the palpitations nearly deafened him and he was sure the others started too notice his unusual pulse when they hugged him and touched his wrist. He’d been sick all week and tired, so tired that some nights Taekwoon or Wonshik had to carry him from the van after performance because he was dead to the world once his eyes closed. Jaehwan had begun to joke about Wonshik’s bad habits rubbing off on him. Taekwoon had begun to question him, monitoring what he was eating and how much practice he was doing. The nights were spent with Taekwoon constantly questioning him when Hakyeon was awake enough to talk to the other. He was constantly in a state of half awake and now he felt his heart clench as it struggled. He was freezing, fingers numb with cold and lips tinted blue with the lack of oxygenated blood n his system, his heart couldn’t pump much more and Hakyeon was crying. He was crying when his manager found him on the bathroom floor shaking with the cold and pan. Hakyeon had been wrapped in a blanket as he was snuck out of the MBC building and into the manager’s car. He didn’t remember the ride to the emergency room where a stretcher was already waiting for him. He’d remained covered by a blanket until they’d gotten him to a privet room. He remembered his doctor smiling sadly as she inserted an IV into his arm, promising him he could sleep for awhile now.

             That was how Hakyeon ended up in the hospital, listening to his father’s furious voice when he woke up. ‘You said it wasn’t bad! You told my boy that these tablets would work, that they would prevent any further pain and distress. You said they’d help him live longer and now you’re telling me that he is falling into the fifteen percent? That I’m going to lose my son?’ his father voice was low but angry. Hakyeon shut his eyes almost immediately; he didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to know what was happening to him. He didn’t want to face the truth. ‘I said they might work but it seems they have stopped. Hakyeon’s system has become accustom to the medication thus rendering them useless. As I said before HCM is unpredictable, we don’t know what causes it and what makes it progress but it has and your son is falling into the lower percentage when it comes to the possible recovery rate. Hakyeon’s heart has become enlarged due to the build up and swelling, I’m doing everything I can. These are a higher dosage of an experimental medicine. Hakyeon’s heart is too weak for us to even considering operating. I’ve seen this medicine work; it saved a man his age. The man is now preparing to have a treatment that causes a medically induced heart attack that clears out the blockage and scars the tissue to prevent it swelling again. This man will have shortness of breath and occasional heart pains but he will live. If we try this on Hakyeon and after a year he shows signs of improvement we can treat this medically and he’ll be able to live without the fear of dying’ the doctor spoke calmly, attempting to coax his parents into seeing the bright side of the situation.  Hakyeon kept his eyes closed. There was nothing he could do; there was nothing anyone could do but hope for this to work. Hakyeon wasn’t sure if he wanted it to work. Was living in pain worth living a few more years?

                                                                *

                       ‘You know I love you, don’t you?’ Taekwoon asked later that night. Hakyeon had been released from hospital a few hours after he woke. He had a new bottle of pills in his hand and new instructions on what he could eat and couldn’t with these new drugs. Their manager had told the boys that Hakyeon had a fever and had to be placed on observation over night but was fine now. They’d all huddled around him, offering to do this and that so he wouldn’t exert himself anymore. He’d never seen them look so panicked, their debut stage hadn’t even caused this many nerves in the boys. Hakyeon lifted his head from Taekwoon’s shoulder, gazing up into worried eyes. ‘I know Taekwoonie, you show me every day that you love me’ Hakyeon smiled softly, hand reaching to brush Taekwoon’s red fringe from his face softly. Taekwoon smiled, catching his hand and pressing a soft kiss to the center of Hakyeon’s palm. ‘It’s just….you scared me last night. It was like the time you disappeared for that check up after debut and didn’t come home for hours’ Taekwoon sighed, placing kisses on Hakyeons slim fingers, ‘I just have a bad feeling every time you disappear from sight, like there’s something wrong but you’re not telling me.’. Hakyeon gulped, swallowing the guilt that at his insides at Taekwoons comment. He snuggled further into the others side, the soft glow from the television calming him. He could hear Wonshik snoring in his room. Hakyeon let his fingers tap a soft rhythm against Taekwoon’s clavicle, ‘There’s nothing wrong with me Taekwoon, you’re just being paranoid baby. I would never leave you, you know that right? I love you Jung Taekwoon, please don’t ever doubt it’. Hakyeon closed his eyes as Taekwoon kissed a pathway to the bend of his elbow before moving to kiss his jaw softly. ‘I know Hakyeon. I would never doubt you’ he whispered softly, placing a kiss under his ear.

            Hakyeon let the silence envelope them. He liked the quiet as much as Taekwoon did, maybe even more now that he knew every word spilling for his lips n regards of his health was a lie. Hakyeon let his body mold against Taekwoon, tucking his head into his shoulder, hands holding one of Taekwoons. Hakyeon twisted Taekwoon’s ring around his left finger gently, lifting it occasionally to read the small inscription on the insides. ‘Forever’ it read n a simple cursive script, the silver band was often passed off as an accessory that Taekwoon adored. When he didn’t have it on his finger it lay just under his shirt on a simple silver chain, close to his heart and where he could feel t at all times. Hakyeon had a similar silver ring on his left finger. There was only a slight difference between the designs of the rings to make them seem like individual rings, not part of a set but the inscription that read ‘Yours’ on Hakyeons matched with the one on Taekwoons. A gift for their first anniversary together, for achieving their dreams with the one they loved. Hakyeon closed his eyes as he cradled Taekwoons hand against his chest. Taekwoon’s hand rubbed gentle circles into the skin of Hakyeons hip where his shirt had ridden up. His eyes were drawn to the elder, to how small he was in comparison to his own frame. Hakyeon as so flexible that it scared Taekwoon at times. The other had the ability to make himself tiny, to curl into himself and lock everything out. Taekwoon often wondered what made him run, what made their fearless leader hide and wish he was small enough to disappear. Despite how much Hakyeon talked and annoyed people about their own problems, he kept everything locked up deep inside until it was ready to burst. Taekwoons moved his hand from Hakyeons smooth hip to trace the soft contours of his face, follow the lines of his strong jaw and sharp cheeks bones, the slope of his pretty nose and the line of his eyes. There was so much about Hakyeon he adored and he felt like it was all disappearing slowly, that Hakyeon was folding himself into a tiny piece of paper. Most days Taekwoon felt the need to keep a hand on his back to prevent him from flying away. Taekwoon tilted the others chin, needing to rid himself of the horrible thoughts of ever having to lose the other. Hakyeon didn’t complain, simply gasped in surprise as Taekwoon nipped and coaxed his lips in a desperate manner. It was almost as if Taekwoon was trying to escape his mind by finding solace and comfort n Hakyeon. Hakyeon complained, needing to know the other was there. He needed someone to ground him, anchor him to earth. Hakyeon let Taekwoon press him into the sofa, strong body hovering and sheltering his as they molded together. ‘Two pieces of a perfect puzzle’ Hakyeon chuckled in his head, suppressing the tears that threatened to spill as Taekwoon held him close.

                         ‘Taek? Are you still awake?’ Hakyeon mumbled tiredly, pressing his face against the bare skin of the others chest. Taekwoon’s answer came in the form of a deep rumble in his chest, reminding Hakyeon of the purr of a sleeping cat’ and a warm hand soothing down the expanses of his back. Taekwoon curled his hand around Hakyeon hip possessively, pulling him closer, despite their bodies practically being stuck together. Hakyeon smiled at the gesture, placing a hand on Taekwoons stomach as he place a few scattered kisses along Taekwoon’s neck and collarbone. Taekwoon whimpered softly, pinching Hakyeon’s hip softly as a warning for the elder to stop his teasing kisses. Hakyeon chuckled before letting the sound die on his lips as he remembers the question that kept him from a deep slumber in the arms of the man he loved. ‘Taekwoon…Jung Taekwoon. I need you to answer this seriously no matter how crazy it sounds okay?’ Hakyeon whispered, biting at his lip softly. Taekwoon smiled softly, nuzzling his nose against Hakyeon’s silver locks gently to let him know he was listening. ‘What…okay this is really stupid but what would you do if I ever…f I were to die tomorrow, what would you do?’ pout shut tight. He felt Taekwoon tense underneath him, the grip of his hip tightening. He could hear the sharp intake of breath Taekwoon took, as if the very idea caused him pain. ‘I’d…I’d break down. I wouldn’t know how to function or even stop crying because a world without you isn’t one I ever want to live in Hakyeon. It’ would be too hard. There’d be no one to annoy me, no one to love me, no one for me to love’ Taekwoon gulped, answering sincerely, the words burning his throat and causing an ache deep in his chest. ‘It would crush me to have to go to your funeral and have to tell our close friends that I’m okay with you being dead when it would be far from okay. But I’d live, I’d live for you. I’d still get up on stage and sing my heart out because I know you would never want me to stop doing what I love because you’re not beside me. I’d make you proud Hakyeon, every day until I took my last breath’ Taekwoon whispered into the darkness, blinking back the tears in his eyes. ‘Would you…would you ever replace me?’ Hakyeon asked softly, gazing up at Taekwoon with gentle eyes. Taekwoon shook his head, a hand moving to cup Hakyeons face softly. ‘No, I could never replace you. I don’t think I’d even be able to give myself to anyone else Hakyeon, not in the way have you. You unlocked every part of me, all the hidden parts and made me shine. No one else would ever do that for me. You’re my special one Hakyeon, my puzzle piece. There is no one after you. It’s just you’ Taekwoon rubbed a thumb across Hakyeon’s cheek, pressing a kiss to his lips softly.

                 Hakyeon smiled, biting back a sob. ‘I love you. I love you so much Jung Taekwoon, marry me?’ the words were out of Hakyeon’s mouth before he could stop them. He flushed with embarrassment when he heard his voice speak the words, desperate and so filled with hope that it made his stomach churn. He wanted to tell Taekwoon to forget it, forget his stupid words. He was going to tell him he was delusional from fever relievers and lack of sleep but the smile on Taekwoons face made all his words fail him. ‘Yes’ Taekwoon spoke gently, gazing at Hakyeon as if he was the most important thing on earth, ‘I will marry you Cha Hakyeon. I’d marry you in a heartbeat’. Hakyeon smiled, laughing like a love sick teenager as he wrapped his arms around the red heads neck, holding him close. Taekwoon shifted them so Hakyeon lay on him, chest to chest, skin against skin. Hakyeon wished it could be one of those cliché movie moments where their hearts started to beat in time and the happily ever after was on the horizon but it wasn’t. His heart was beating twice as fast as Taekwoons; his heart was attempting to push blood around his body while struggling with the pressure of the swelling. Taekwoons was beating a fraction faster than a normal heart beat; his heart beat was surging with adrenalin. His heart was healthy, operating at its finest while everyday brought Hakyeon closer to the darkness. Hakyeon buried his face in Taekwoons neck, sobbing softly as the reality hit him hard in the chest. Taekwoon wrapped his arm around him securely, pressing kisses to the top of his head. ‘Please don’t cry baby, please. Everything’s okay. There’s nothing to cry about, we’ll make it work if that’s what your worried about’ Taekwoon soothed softly. Hakyeon sobbed, slender body shaking with each sob, warm tears cascading down his face onto the others bare skin. ‘I want to marry you. I want to move into our own apartment, to live with you and maybe adopt an abandoned kitten and possibly a child. I just want to be yours so badly that it hurts’ Hakyeon sobbed, the truth spilling past his lips. Taekwoon his back soothingly, pressing soft kisses against the others shaking body, ‘You will, we will. I promise you. I promise to marry you and give you the world Cha Hakyeon’. Hakyeon smiled, nodding weakly as he kissed Taekwoon’s shoulder.  His head spun with the reality he lived in. He’d never get to marry Taekwoon. He’d never get to see him smile when they spoke their vows, he’d never have that first night of marital bliss. Hakyeon would never grow old with Taekwoon, he wouldn’t move out of the dorms and into a nice cozy apartment. There would be no cuddling late at night, no kitten to feed and no children. The thought hit him harder than any pain his weak heart could cause him. He’d never be a dad, with Taekwoon or even without Taekwoon; Hakyeon would never get to know what it felt like to have a child. He knew at best he’d get another few years if he was lucky. The doctor had already diagnosed him wrong once, what was stopping her from doing it this time? Hakyeon let Taekwoon sing to him and sooth him with kisses. He’d never have a happy ending; all he would have is now. These stolen moments and promises that Hakyeon was already breaking. Taekwoon would never marry because there will eventually be no Cha Hakyeon for him to love. The thought of Taekwoon alone made Hakyeon’s head swim and his vision blur all over again.

                                                                                                *

                                        Hakyeon’s prediction came true the day after they came home from their Milk Way Global Showcase in Los Angeles. It happened suddenly, there was no warning like last time. There was no pain in the days leading up to this. He’d been feeling healthier than ever and positive, he was positive that the medication was working and he only had two more months to go before he’d been on the medication a year. He was feeling hopeful for the first time that year. He only had to make it to January twentieth, he need to live into the New Year and then he could have the procedure that would lengthen his life, it would cure him and leave him with a lifetime of dreams to fulfill with Taekwoon at his side. But life was not fir and it was cruel. Reality hit Hakyeon in the chest as he bent down to pick his water bottle from his bag. They were practicing the new choreography for their title song ‘Voodoo Doll’. The members were chatting excitedly about releasing their first full length album while taking a break. Hakyeon had gone to get his water when it hit. The pain so sharp and strong he was convinced he was dying. Everything seemed to fall into slow motion, the room spinning. The water bottle rolled out of his grip, hand clasping and clawing at his chest above his heart. He felt the urge to vomit yet at the same time he couldn’t breathe. His head felt like it was swimming in murky water as his knees quaked. Someone called his name in distance. He didn’t turn to see who and then he heard it. He heard the deranged and pained scream that left his body as he tried to breath, tried to get his heart to beat normally, to pump the blood around his body. He was in Taekwoons arms on the floor before he could do anything, his body convulsing and hands attempting to dig through his skin. He wanted to forcefully grab his heart and force it to beat; the pain of tearing at his skin had to be less painfully than this. Than the thing tearing him apart from the inside and cutting off his oxygen supply. Taekwoon’s eyes were blown wide and filled with tears; his eyes were scared and pained. Hakyeon wanted to comfort him but his vision was fading and everything was going silent. Hakyeon drifted into the darkness with the comforting thought of having at least survived this long. That at least he got to love Taekwoon for three wonderful years.

          He woke to the beeping of machines and his mother sobbing. Hakyeon wanted to smile bitterly at the familiarity of the scene, of the way he was right once again. There was no happy ending for him, he knew now. He knew better than to hope for anything other than a peaceful death in his sleep.  ‘The only other option left is a risky one. It’s a cardiac transplant. We’d need to decide soon before Hakyeon’s heart cause his any final symptoms of heart failure. Hakyeon is already heading towards the end stages, this is your last chance to save him but it is not a solution. At best he’ll have seven years before the symptoms reoccur. There is a ninety-five percent success rate of patients going on to live at least seven full years after the transplant. It’ll be painfully and the end result will still be heart failure but it’ll give him extra time. He’d have to step away from Vixx and be kept from anything that pressures the new heart or else…’ The doctor droned on, only to be cut short when Hakyeon sat up. His head was pounding and the lump in his throat wouldn’t disappear but he knew his answer. ‘I don’t want the surgery’ Hakyeon said softly, not daring to glance at his mother. He heard he take a sharp breath before speaking furiously; ‘Don’t be stupid Hakyeon! You will have the surgery, this is not a game, and this is your life we are speaking of right now’. Hakyeon nodded, fingers playing with his ring as his chest ached, ‘I know. And I don’t want to live in pain with the constant knowledge that I am going to die once those years are up. That’s not a life. It’s a prison and I’d rather let myself die here and now than life with false hope. I’ve known since I was diagnosed a year and a half ago that this was it mother; this was all I’d get. The world is kind, it isn’t fair and this is the life I’ve been dealt. Let me live it’. His mother turned to face him, he glanced at her. Her eyes filled with frustrated tears and her cheeks red. ‘What about Taekwoon? Does Taekwoon not get a say in this, does his presence in your life mean so damn little that you won’t even think about this for him?’. Hakyeon looked away, biting hi cheek to stop his anger and tears, ‘Don’t bring Taekwoonie into this. I’m trying to save him from the pain of constantly fearing my death mother. It’s my life. My decision and I don’t want this transplant’. His mother went quiet for a few minutes; he could feel her eyes on him before she spoke again, voice hard, ‘Hakyeon, does Taekwoon even know you’ve been sick for the past two years?’ Hakyeon shook his head, tipping it back slightly to blink away the tears, ‘I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell any of them’.

        His mother finally exploded at his words, her voice raised as his father tried to calm her down with soft hands. ‘How can you be so damn selfish Hakyeon? You’re throwing away your life, you’re giving up and Taekwoon doesn’t even know that the man he’s engaged to is dying? That he has been dying for two years? How could you do something so selfish while saying you love him? It’s cruel and unfair!’ Hakyeon let the tears cascade down his face as he finally broke. All the negative emotions, all his fear coming to the surface at once. His voice was scratchy and desperate through the tears, ‘Unfair? I’m dying! That’s unfair. I don’t want to die but I am. I am selfish, I am so terribly selfish for wanting Taekwoon to enjoy being with me, for him to love me without worries. I can’t stand the thought of him crying because I am going to die. I don’t want him to go to bed each night and have his last thoughts be the fear of waking up alone because my heart failed during the night. Because my heart was too stupid to do its job.  Taekwoon deserves to be happy and I will not let this disease ruin that for him, for me. I will not have him suffer with grief and worry. I don’t want each of our kisses to feel like the last because neither of us knows when I’ll disappear. I want to be loved by him. I will make him happy until my heart stops beating and then, then when I’m gone you can tell him’. Hakyeon as choking on sobs, body shaking with them on the bed. He didn’t want to see the pity in his parent eyes but he could feel it. ‘I just wanted to be happy because this is my life and I’m dying. There’s nothing that can change that but Taekwoon doesn’t have to know. He doesn’t have to change with the knowledge of this. I just want to be with him and love him. I’m hopelessly selfish mother but I think I deserve at least this much’. Hakyeon buried his head in his knees, arms wrapping tightly around him as his sobs filled the room. He felt his father’s arms around him, pulling him into his lap as if he was five years old again. Hakyeon hiccupped through his sobs, ‘I don’t want to die Dad, it’s unfair. This is so unfair. I don’t want to die’. His father his hair softly, hugging him close as his mother sobbed at the end of the bed. Neither of them spoke because it was unfair. Their son was dying before their eyes and they couldn’t do anything but hold him, hold him and lie about the future in hopes to provide him some comfort. There was nothing else they could do.

                                                          *

                    Hakyeon was bundled in blankets, pressed against Taekwoon’s side. He shivered causing the other to pull him closer to him. Taekwoon kissed his forehead softly. Ever since Hakyeon had returned to the dorm after spending three nights in hospital, the other had stuck to him like glue. He’d even gone as far as to go through their presses and fridge to empty out anything containing pineapple. They’d managed to convince the boys that Hakyeon had a severe pineapple allergy that only presented its self that day due to the pineapple yogurts they’d consumed for breakfast. None of them had ever seen Hakyeon eat anything pineapple or pineapple flavored before allowing the lie to sink in easily. They’d been so happy that their hyung was safe that they missed all the sad glances shared between him and his mangers, they’d missed the way Hakyeons mother had to blink constantly to stop her tears as she kissed him goodbye. They didn’t find t strange that Hakyeons’ father spent five minutes just memorizing his sons face because he knew what was coming, that he’d more than likely never see his son smile again. Taekwoon had been at his side in an instance and he hadn’t left. He refused to let Hakyeon do anything more than eat, sleep, cuddle and watch movies, convinced that the older need to conserve his strength. Hakyeon was content to spend the days in his fiancés arms, chatting about everything and nothing, just listening to the other breath at times. Taekwoon was all he needed.

          ‘I love you’ Taekwoon whispered. Hakyeon could feel the soft smile against his forehead. He cuddled closer to the other, ‘And I love you my little lion. Always, please remember that’.  Taekwoon hummed softly, reaching under the covers to intertwine his fingers with Hakyeons. He raised their clasped hands, pressing a soft kiss to each of Hakyeons fingers, ‘I don’t think you’d ever let me forget it’. Hakyeon smiled, leaning up to kiss Taekwoon slowly. He winced slightly at the twinge in his chest and the nausea that settled n his stomach. He smiled bitterly into the kiss because he knew; he knew this was their last night. Hakyeon deepened the kiss with his free hand cupping the back of Taekwoons neck gently. He committed everything to memory. From the way Taekwoon sighed against his lips to the soft ridges of his mouth. Hakyeon resisted the urge to cry as he kissed the other, spilling all his emotions into it. He could feel Taekwoon drawing him closer with a hand on his back. He wrote a story with Taekwoons lips on his. A story of true and everlasting love, of sweet moments and dreams. A story filled with first and lasts. A story Hakyeon wished they could live. He pulled back from the kiss, pressing soft kisses to Taekwoon’s neck as the other held him against his body softly. ‘Talk to me, please’ Hakyeon requested, closing his eyes because he knew he’d cry if he looked at the beautiful godlike man beside him. The man he was going to leave behind. Hakyeon could feel his heart rate slowly with each passing minutes, the ache becoming num as his fingers and body temperature dropped. He’d taken enough painkillers early to make this painless and quick; the drugs in his system would cease his heart once it started to fail. It would end his suffering before it even started.

               Taekwoon’s voice was soft and sweet. It was over Hakyeon like the softest of lullabies. He told Hakyeon about his past. He talked about his dreams of green football pitches and black and white balls. He told Hakyeon about the day he decided to sing for the rest of his life, to put his voice to good use. He told him about the day they met, how he instantly became intrigued by the golden skinned boy that danced with the grace and beauty of a swan. Taekwoon talked about how lucky he was, how happy he was, how he wished he could express himself better. Hakyeon listen. He let the words wash over him as he felt the strength leave his body. He could feel the heat that radiated from Taekwoon but his own body was cold, getting colder by the second and his chest was tight. His breathing was low and soft, almost nonexistent. Hakyeon felt like he was going to sleep, like he was drifting on a soft sea composed of Taekwoon’s soft voice and his apple scented shampoo. ‘T-thank you’ Hakyeon spoke feebly. Taekwoon stopped talking, glancing at the weak boy in his arms. He noticed the paleness of Hakyeons skin, they cold sweat o his forehead and the way he could no longer lift his head. Taekwoon panicked, lifting the others almost limp body into his lap. Hakyeons head rolled he couldn’t keep fighting for long. ‘Hakyeon…Hakyeon…baby speak to me, please. What’s happening right now Hakyeon?’ Taekwoon begged, shaking Hakyeon’s lax body softly. A hand patted his cheek, attempting to get Hakyeon to open his eyes but Hakyeon knew he was going. ‘T-Thank you for…for loving…me…’ Hakyeon’s voice was almost inaudible, breathless to the point of causing Taekwoons eyes to tear. Taekwoon shouted for help, shouted Hakyeons name as the boy smile at him. A peacefully beautiful smile. Taekwoon cried, watching as Hakyeon’s chest eventually stopped lifting and his body shuddered in his arms. The smile remained on Hakyeon’s lips as his pulse became non-existent. The dorm was chaotic. Their manager screaming down the phone for an ambulance, Wonshik was sobbing outside the door. Jaehwan and Hongbin were holding back a hysterical Sanghyuk, trying to prevent him from the sight of their leader. Taekwoon simply held on to the boy in his arms. It was as if he was attempting to give his own life to bring back Hakyeon as he rocked the boys limp body in his arms, too shocked to sob out loud. Deep in his heart he knew, he knew Hakyeon was gone but he refused to leave his side. He refused to let go of his hand even when they announced his passing because this was Hakyeon, his Hakyeon and he wouldn’t leave him alone. Hakyeon always feared being left alone.

                                                                                                *

                                                Taekwoon stared at the pictures behind the glass cabinet. Flowers, thousands of them, littered the floor with Hakyeon’s name scrawled on them. Taekwoon focused on the pictures. The pictures of Hakyeon as a baby, cute as could be and chubby, the picture from his first dance competition, a picture of him and his siblings on a family holiday, a picture of him with Vixx the day of their debut. The last picture was of Hakyeon and Taekwoon backstage at show champion. Taekwoon’s face blank and Hakyeon smiling brightly, eyes alive and sparklingly like they always were. Taekwoon could feel the tears on his face as he just stared at the memorial cabinet, at the black and grey urn that held the ashes of the man he loved. It was hard. Hard to look at this and relies that this month had happened, that Hakyeon had passed away in his arm a month ago. That it had been a month since he last heard the others voice, seen him since. It had been a month. A month of crying and yelling at the sky because this wasn’t how their story was meant to end. A month of hiding under his bed covers and refusing to let Jaehwan wash them because they smelled like Hakyeon and he didn’t want to forget what the other smelled like. A month of ringing Hakyeon’s phone just because he wanted to hear the others voice on his voicemail. A month of waking up with a sleepy smile on his face as he reached out to wrap an arm around a body that wasn’t there. A month of living with Cha Hakyeon. Taekwoon didn’t know if he had it in him to survive another month like this, another month without bright smiles and annoying pokes. He missed Hakyeon, missed being a weak word. He craved the other, craved the return of his pillar, of his baby. His future had disappeared in the blink of an eye and he didn’t even have the strength to be angry with the other. The members had been angry with Hakyeon at first, they’d be upset that he never told them he was dying, that he was suffering but Taekwoon wasn’t angry. It was such a Hakyeon thing to do, for him to hide in order to protect them until the very end. He didn’t blame Hakyeon for not telling them, he only blamed himself for not proving to Hakyeon how much he loved him each and every day. He wanted to go back and spend the days leading up to that night with Hakyeon, hugging him, kissing him, telling him how much he loved him. He was too late now, Hakyeon was gone.

            Taekwoon hyung?’ a voice called softly. Taekwoon turned, wiping the tears away from his pink eyes. Daeyeon stood before him in his school uniform, bag slung over his shoulder and his eyes red rimmed like Taekwoons. Taekwoon opened his arms, holding them out towards the young teenager. Daeyeon sobbed softly, throwing himself into his Hyung’s arms. Taekwoon wrapped his arms around the young boy, hugging his shaking frame. ‘Aren’t you meant to be in school Daeyeon?’ Taekwoon asked softly, running a hand through the others black hair in a soothing fashion. ‘It was stormy last night and it reminded me of how much hyung hated storms. He always used to crawl into bed with me despite being the older brother. I used to about it when we were younger and it just, it felt wrong to leave him alone after a storm. I’m so used to him calling me when there’s a storm because he was afraid I’d be hurt when he was just scared and needed me’ Daeyeon sobbed softly into Taekwoons shirt. Taekwoon smiled through his own tears at the fifteen years olds words. ‘Hakyeon was always like that. He’d always tell me it was a brother thing, that I wouldn’t understand why he had to call you every time there was a storm because I only have sisters that are older than me’ Taekwoon chuckled, pulling back from the hug but keeping an arm around the younger’s shoulders. Daeyeon wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his school jumper. ‘He was the best big brother I could have asked for and I just…I miss him so much Hyung. I want him back’ Daeyeon smiled sadly, a hand reaching out to touch the glass in front of their family photograph. Taekwoon squeezed the younger boys shoulder softly, ‘I miss him too Dae. Sometimes I think I still hear him singing off key in the shower when the dorm is quiet or I think he’s beside me when I wake up but he’s not’ Taekwoon took a deep breath, gazing at Hakyeons brother. Daeyeon looked like Hakyeon in the way his jaw was shaped and the shape of his eyes, he had Hakyeons bright smile but Daeyeon was different, taller, skinner in a lanky fashion where Hakyeon had been slender. ‘It’s hard Dae, and it will be for a while but it will get easier because you have me and I’m always a call away. I will always answer…I’m not Hakyeon… I never will be but I can be there for you because I know he wouldn’t want us to be alone’ Taekwoon smiled, eyes landing on the silver ring in front of the picture of the two of them. Daeyeon nodded, gazing up at the older, ‘You’re right hyung. You loved him a lot didn’t you?’ Taekwoon squeezed the boys shoulder again, ‘I still do Daeyeon. Your brother isn’t the type of person you stop loving’

                                                                                                *

               Taekwoon walked the familiar pathway that he’d been walking for ten years, the one that led to a red front door. He could hear children laughing and screaming in the back garden as he rang the bell. ‘Hyung!’ Daeyeon yelled as he threw open the door, pulling Taekwoon into a hug. Taekwoon chuckled, ruffling the twenty-five year olds hair teasingly. Daeyeon scowled at him, ‘Uncool Hyung, don’t touch my hair. It took me forever to style it today’. Taekwoon rolled his eyes as he entered the house, slipping his shoes off at the door. ‘Has the party started?” he inquired softly as Daeyeon hung up his coat. ‘Yep, he is having a blast out there. He’s been waiting for his favorite uncle though which I think is unfair since technically you’re not his uncle at all’ Daeyeon pouted, ducking as Taekwoon took a swipe at his neck. ‘You’re just jealous that children love me and hate you Dae’ Taekwoon teased, entering the house further. He greeted Hakyeons sister and her husband, hugging them both and swapping small talk before a tiny body launched himself at his legs. ‘He’s been waiting for you all day Taekwoonie’ Minyoung teased as she watched her son wrap himself around Taekwoon’s leg. Taekwoon laughed, swooping down to pick up the five year old in his arms. ‘Uncle Lion!’ the boy cried, tiny arms wrapping around Taekwoons neck. ‘Hey Hakyeon, are you having a good day so far?’ Taekwoon smile at the adorable pout on the fiver year olds face. ‘Yes uncle! I had so much cake and sweets and ice cream and I got this many presents’ Hakyeon spoke excitedly, flinging his arms out dangerously, nearly smacking Daeyeon in the face. ‘Wow that sounds fun Hakyeon. I wish I could have been here earlier but I didn’t bring you a present from me…and presents from the rest of your Vixx Hyung’s’ Taekwoon teased as he placed the wide eyed boy down. The afternoon was spent chatting and exchanging sarcastic remarks with Daeyeon, playing football with Hakyeon and letting him win. Hakyeon was a sweet boy that Taekwoon adored. He loved spending time with the fiver year old. There was never a dull moment when he was playing with the small child.

                Taekwoon watched from the window as the others picked at their cake amidst the conversations. Minyoung was chatting happily with Daeyeon’s girlfriend who’d arrived just before the start of the barbeque. She was a sweet girl with a shy smile but enough confidence to hold Daeyeon in line. She’d been confident when she shook Taekwoon’s hand, talking about how much she’d wanted to meet him due to everything Daeyeon had told her about him. Minyoung’s husband was chatting to Mr. Cha while sipping a beer between laughter. Daeyeon was racing Hakyeon’s new toy cars with the five year old at the end of the table, the two of them laughing whenever a car swerved off the edge of collided with another. It was a peaceful scene, one Taekwoon was grateful to be a part of. ‘Need a hand Taekwoonie?” Mrs. Cha asked, smiling as she entered the kitchen. Taekwoon smiled back as he washed the last of the dishes, ‘It’s okay, I’m just done with them now’. She nodded softly, offering Taekwoon a towel to try his hands which he took gratefully. ‘How are you Taekwoonie? How are my other four boys as well?’ she teased, her hand wrapping around Taekwoons arm as they stood side by side, watching the scene outside. ‘I’ve been well; I’ve been taking a short break to write new songs. Wonshik is delighted to be a father; he won’t stop sending us pictures of baby Jisung. Hongbin and Sanghyuk are currently in Paris since they had a break as well and Jaehwan is recording for a new solo album. We’re all doing well, we meet up to eat together and catch up every Friday so none of us lose touch’ Taekwoon informed her softly as she nodded.

‘That’s good, I’m so proud of you all’ she said quietly as they focused on the back garden. Daeyeon was now lifting a sleepy Hakyeon, pointing to the fireflies in the sky as the fiver year old tried to catch them, his girlfriend beside him, laughing with them. The others sat chatting at the table, still loud and boisterous. It reminded Taekwoon of those perfect family scenes you’d see in American movies. Yet there was something missing that had Taekwoon’s heart aching ads he watched the people he loved chat and laugh without worry. ‘Do you miss him?’ Mrs. Cha spoke so softly he almost didn’t hear her. Taekwoon closed his eyes and imagined what it would be like to have him here, to have Hakyeon back with them. Taekwoon imagined the soft hand in his as the other’s animated voice filled the air, the loud peals of laughter that would brighten everyone’s day. He imagined the smiles, bright and loving as he flitted from person to person only to return to him every time. He thought of how he’d be dancing to the music coming from Daeyeons laptop, making silly faces at the five year old as he did just to hear him laugh. He imagined the sound of his name falling off pink lips as they watched the fireflies fly and simply relaxed. Taekwoon opened his eyes, chest aching as he lay a hand on top of Mrs. Cha. He squeezed it softly as he spoke, ‘Every day. I miss him every day and I wish I could say that it doesn’t hurt but it never stops. It never stops’.

A/N! Hey…so yeah…. Got some inspiration and this happened and I don’t know but I bawled as I wrote this so I apologize for any tears shed or broken hearts this may have caused!  Just have a few things want to straighten out

1.The time line- 1) Hakyeon is diagnosed a week into their debut so he was diagnose between the 24^th and 30^th of May 2012

2) Hakyeons medication stops working during the time they were promoting ‘On and On’ which would be after the 17^th of January 2013

3) Hakyeon collapses after the return from their Los Angeles show cases which was on the 10^th of November- Hakyeon collapses on 11^th practicing their choreography for Voodoo Doll and he spent three nights in Hospital (the 11^th, the 12^th and the 13) and returned to the dorms on the 14th

4) Hakyeons death- Hakyeon died on the 18^th of November, four days after he returned home and two days before the release of Voodoo Doll

2.HCM is an actual disease that I researched for this one-shot and it mainly affect athletes from as young as fifteen to thirty. The detail is as accurate as I was able to make them. I‘m not a doctor. I’m going into my last year of high school (secondary school over here) and I took what I could understood from the different medical procedures and treatments

3.The last scene is set ten years after Hakyeons death

4.Daeyeon is Hakyeon’s younger brother

5.Minyoung is Hakyeon’s older sister and the Hakyeon in the last two paragraphs (which is set ten years into the future) is her five year old son named after her brother

I hope you all enjoyed this one-shot and please comment and upvote! I love to hear feedback and an upvote couldn’t hurt could it?

Love, Emmy~