It was a cloudy afternoon, on a day where nothing much happened but I didn’t feel so good. I just wasn’t in the mood for anything. Just thinking about hanging out with some friends, making music or even sleeping made me feel uncomfortable. My morale was low without any good reason, it happened to me sometimes too. Despite what people usually thoughts I wassn’t always only happy and hyper. I was alone in the dorm since all the other boys had made plans for the day. Jungkook was meeting with his family while Namjoon, Jin and Yoongi were trying out a new chicken restaurant in one of their hometowns. I had forgotten where Taehyung and Jimin had told me they were going.

I checked my phone out of boredom and realized that it had been on silent since the last time I got a text that I didn’t feel like answering. 12 missed calls and a whole lot of texts from the members and some other friends.

남준
14h03 - ‘’Where are you? Come here quickly!’’

뷔뷔
14h07 – I’m scared
14h07 – Pray with us hyung
14h08 – Tell me this is just a joke

석진
14h04 – Hoseok!?
14h34 – Okay since you’re not here I’ll tell you the results when we know

지민
14h15 – I don’t know what to do now
14h16 – Please tell me this is a joke
14h25 – And answer
14h50 – Please

정국이
14h08 – Hyung can you please answer you phone
14h13 – Hyung
14h24 – Hyung
14h26 – Hyung
14h33 – Hyung
14h33 – This is really important

I stopped reading after that because it was starting to scare me. I looked at my watch; it was now almost 3 in the afternoon. I quickly put some coat on because of the snow outside and stormed off the dorm. I had just closed the door behind me and I was composing our leader’s number to ask him what happened when I suddenly collided with what I assumed to be Jimin. He went inside very fast, almost running.

‘’Oh sorry! Are you okay?’’

He didn’t spare me a glance and he kept his head down. I was startled for a few seconds at his attitude and when I realized that he was already locked up in his room I followed after him without hesitation. I closed the door behind me. Jimin had not even bothered turning on the lights and I did not either, with the feeling that maybe he didn’t want me to see him right now.

‘’Jimin? What’s wrong?’’

Only a heavy silence answered me. I couldn’t see his face because of the almost darkness that was surrounding us and to which my eyes weren’t yet used to, but I could imagine his expression in that moment. I could feel his pain in the way he stayed silent, holding his breath because of this impression that he could break with any abrupt movement. Gently, I searched the darkness to find his hand that I held tight in mine. His fingers were trembling very lightly. I repeated myself for a third time as softly as I could manage to make my voice. This time though it wasn’t a question but a statement.

‘’Something happened.’’

As my eyes had slowly adapted to the dim lighting, the merged shadows had become identifiable. I could recognize Jimin’s face and saw his shoulders slowly moving downwards as he let out a sigh. His eyes looked up at mine and were starting to fill with tears that he still managed to keep from rolling down on his cheeks. He opened his mouth to finally tell me something but the second he tried to speak; only a hoarse sound filled the air. I knew he was trying his best to control himself and not start sobbing, so I just waited patiently with him, holding his hand while he was taking a deep breath.

‘’Yoongi…’’ he tried, but his voice failed him on this single word.

Even more water was filling his now a bit puffy eyes as he struggled to even his breath.

”Something happened to Yoongi…”

Suddenly, it was like I knew already.  The expression in his eyes, the crack in his voice as he was containing the pain, the too many texts and calls I received before… I knew what the end of his sentence was. Something happened to Yoongi. He… passed away. I couldn’t bear to let him say it; and I couldn’t bear to hear it myself.

I now had to fight the tears in my own eyes, the ball of chock and sadness that was forming so fast in my chest, invading every part of me.

”I’m so sorry oh my god”, I managed to say.

He didn’t do or say anything for a few minutes that seemed to last a lot longer than that. Then he suddenly started speaking, very slowly.

”We never really told you guys but me and Yoongi, we had been seeing each other for a while. We had a few dates and we cuddled and– ”

His eyes were locked on the wall in front of him and I caught a glimpse of a tear on his cheek.

”And we kissed and oh how I was happy whenever I was with him. We had the most wonderful times together Hobi I swear, but then sometimes we would also fight really hard. Our personalities weren’t that compatible. Yesterday he was mad at me for a reason that I don’t even remember, he always got mad at me for little things. But I was tired of him being so harsh all the time so we ended up arguing and I screamed at him and I went away after slamming the door and he didn’t come after me. Usually he does… . He didn’t text me when he left this morning either. It might look insignificant but I think I made him really mad this time. The last words I told him were that it was over.”

He kept on going, even though he had to take some pauses to breathe and control his sobs.

”Now he’s gone… Hobi he’s gone forever. Everything is really over. I didn’t even get to tell him I was sorry.”

I found nothing to say to this poor soul that was suffering and crumbling in front of me. Nothing could appease his wounded heart now that the only one to have ever been able to do that was the reason for his suffering. I hugged him thight so he wouldn’t see my own pain and the tears streaming down my face. He let out another whisper before we fell into a very, very long silence that would eventually be broken when jungkook would come back home.

”I never actually told him that I loved him.”

He stopped holding back his pain and he cried on my shoulder, for a really long time.

Even now I still hear him breaking down in tears some nights when he misses his first love too much.