It started off with simple things at first:the way his hair glowed in the sunlight, the way soft snores escaped when he slept, or the way he seemingly never stopped smiling that particular smile. It was a simple admiration at first; possibly even jealousy as he continued to observe the behavior he no longer had. Though, as the days passed into months, and the months turning into a single year, it blossomed into something more.

One-sided love is common around the world, isn’t it? Even through all the pain that derives from it, there is always that feeling of joy from simply being in the other’s presence.

This somehow including when the other party was oblivious to the longing stares directed straight at them.

Sehun was by all means perfect to the eyes of Luhan (and others if he  was ever able to step foot outside the slowly deteriorating house).

He was filled with charms, some in which no other person ever seemed to posses. His smile created two perfect crescents with his eyes, his whitey pears shining brighter than anything that was arranged in the room. His hips swayed slightly with every step he took. His hands delicately pressed away the fringe that deemed its favorite place to be in front of his eyes.

Even if Luhan didn’t have a heart in any sort of physical way, every time Sehun performed these actions, his heart skipped a beat.

Even if he no longer had blood coursing through his veins, every time Sehun smiled, blood rushed to his cheeks.

It was inevitable that Sehun will never come to notice these actions himself, for Luhan was as visible as the pain that seeped through the crust of the world that surrounded him.

Indeed, Luhan was an optimist. Was. He woke up to an empty house echoing with nothing more than the water pipes only knowing his first name. He never could figure out the name of his parents. He could never figure out where he came from (he barely even knows this place at all). Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he didn’t even know what caused such a young looking boy like him to meet the side of the non-living in the first place.

A bullet through his head?

A fall that could have been prevented?

A car with drivers obviously under the influence?

Or maybe just a simple slit?

Regardless of the fact of just not knowing, he never seems to turn the smile he has to a frown. And, as beautiful as it may be, he thinks it could never rival that of Sehun’s.

He will never know that his smile will be something more than perfection in the eyes of Sehun if he were to just see it.

He would never see it, but Luhan clings to the hope that one day he will.

All the feelings of being completely invisible are bearable at this time.

The act of only watching through a one-way glass can let him have his sanity just that much longer.

He always found Sehun amusing for reasons he could never figure out why. Luhan was not, in any way, a persistent watcher. He didn’t stay in Sehun’s residence because he was addicted to the male’s presence. He didn’t watch his seemingly perfect actions because he wanted to. No, he was permanently drawn. Like how a red string of fate connects two soulmates, he was drawn in with an indescribable force. He could never leave the house even if he wished to. The first time he attempted to do so, horrifying ear-piercing screams played like a symphony in his ears as he slowly felt as if he was losing himself. He tried once more, this time running, only to be met with the same ordeal. This time, however, he realised that his limbs no longer obeyed his commands to venture further to his Ethiopia.

God must have played a cruel jest on him for connecting his red string with someone that he can no longer touch.

Luhan was held like a prisoner here, but he never seemed to mind. Sehun could be his artificial light for the one he could never again feel cascade down on his skin.

He just simply fell for the man that never even knew he existed.

Throughout the day and night, Luhan observes all the small details people normally wouldn’t be able to perceive. Some are just habits that Sehun can’t seem to will away. Never drying his hair after a shower, swiping his fringe away thrice before deeming it nice, never sleeping with socks on, brushing each face of his teeth eighteen times, and never wearing the first outfit he drags out of the closet are just a small list of the habits he had observed over the year. He even observed the large scar that ran from the back of his left ear to right above his left eye. And, no matter how hard he tried, could never determine the cause of such a sickly looking blemish.

But if there was one thing he loved most about Sehun, it would be the melodious voice he had whenever he spoke even the simplest words. Everything had its downside though. His voice sounded most beautiful yet most horrifying when he sang that song. He only sang whenever the nightmares caught up to him and left him a screaming, sobbing mess.

(And how much Luhan just wanted to hold him and tell him everything was alright. But fate never fails to be cruel.)

He was distracted from his thoughts when the desperate screams sounded once more. The same tune rafted through the air, and it sounded so familiar, but he could never put a name to the endearing English song.

Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark

For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart

To weave by picking up the pieces that remain

Melodies of life--love's lost refrain

The first lines always consisted of choked whimpers, but no matter how out of tune it was, Luhan always found himself singing along with the exact same foreign words. He swears he could feel moisture running down the apples of his cheeks, even when he wipes it away to reveal nothing.

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why

We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye

And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?

Let them ring out loud till they unfold

In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me

Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

With each word that passes by, his voice becomes calmer and calmer. A hint of pain still surfaces through, barely noticeable, as Sehun makes his way across the room and into the bathroom. It’s the same pattern, Luhan notes. Waking up with heart wrenching screams, going up to the bathroom, only to trace the scar that was permanently embedded into his once perfect skin in his reflection.

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine

Adding up the layers of harmony

And so it goes, on and on

Melodies of life,

To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond

The voice is hoarse once more as Sehun begins twisting his head back and forth around the room as if he was looking for something.

That something is never found no matter how many times Sehun looks under the bed, under the sheets, in the closet, as he continues to sing the tune of the song with longing.

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by

Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky

I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings

Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?

Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?

Sometimes Luhan can’t take the pain the words cause to his own heart and begins the attempt to block out the picture of tears strolling down Sehun’s cheeks, attempts to block out the song that wafts through the air laced with pain and sorrow, attempts to just end everything then and there but still knows that the song has yet to reach it’s ending.

So he bears with that, also, just a little bit longer. Like everything else in this predicament, he has no other option.


A voice from the past, joining yours and mine

Adding up the layers of harmony

And so it goes, on and on

Melodies of life,

To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and.. beyond

Sehun makes his way back to his bed once more. He hides in the covers like a child does when told that monsters hid well under his bed. The flash of his mobile phone gives light to the objects that hide behind him. He looks...miserable? The way his eyes are puffed up and the way his lips curl into a frown, a cry just waiting to come out, leaves Luhan with the same urge every time:

To just walk up to him, hug him, run his hands through his hair, whisper sweet nothings into his ears just to see the smile etch across his face again.

There’s only so much one can do.

If I should leave this lonely world behind

Your voice will still remember our melody

Now I know we'll carry on

Melodies of life

Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts

As long as we remember

As the last word seems to echo endlessly into the room, the unmistakable sound of ringing replaces the singing that Luhan loved and hated so much.

Luhan sits on the edge of the bed where Sehun had taken up pressing the phone to his ear, the repetitive ring seemingly endless. The bed never dips as he wishes it would, but he’s satisfied simply with the closeness of the two. A tired voice is heard from the speaker of the phone. A questioning “Hello” is all it takes for Sehun to release a breath that he had no knowledge of holding. A smile ends up on his plump lips as he begins talking back. The sight of Sehun smiling would make one believe that Luhan, too, would be happy. After all, that was what he wanted whenever Sehun’s episodes begun. Instead, however, a pang of jealousy surged through him.

He wants to be the one to make him happy again.

He wants to be the cause of his smiles.

He wants to be the one Sehun turns to whenever the monsters that hide in his heart decide to come and play.

Luhan never seems to stop thinking this, even if it’s the same pattern that falls through. An endless pattern. The pain is never ending, but he never seems to register the pain.

So as he hears a voice that’s so familiar to him--Sehun calls him every time the screaming, crying, and singing ceases-- he doesn’t know what he feels anymore.

Numb?

It’s the same routine.

“Sehun-ah, is it the dream again?”

‘It’s always that. What else would it be at 3AM?

Why can’t he come to me instead of you?’

“Y-yes…Jongin I’m sorry...”

The embarrassment is always evident. Luhan is the only one to ever see it but he’s sure Jongin can hear it threaded in the desperation of his voice.

Luhan makes his way to the bedside table. The water in the glass swooshes back and forth in a tempting matter. With just a little force on his part, it could come crashing down to shattering pieces. The action would be irreversible like life and death itself.

“It’s okay Sehun-ah, just take a couple of deep breaths. It’s over now. You’re safe now. Nothing can get to you.”

Luhan could say the same words. He opens his mouth, the words ‘I can keep you safe better than him’ escape his mouth but the words never reach the latter’s ears, only his. It’s there, but not there, just how he is. No matter the volume he screams in, the stinging in his lungs and throat as a result of his attempts, he is as loud as a thumbtack falling in a room filled with boisterous children. Deemed as nothing even though it’s there.

Deemed as irrelevant to all the events that surround it.

“Thank you hyung. I don’t know where I would be without you.”

‘With me. In my arms.’

“Don’t worry about it. I want you to be happy. Like old times.”

‘I want you to be the cause of his problems so he could be in my arms.’

Luhan sounds selfish. He knows. But what else can one do? Being stuck in a world where no one deems your existence as something significant, or anything at all, sometimes just makes you do things that you never pictured yourself doing.

His fingers brush lightly against the glass of water. It’s just daring him to give it the final push off the table’s edge.

He notices how Sehun shuffles uncomfortable in his spot in the bed. He opens his mouth and closes it a multitude of times, almost like the fishes swimming in the living room. His ears pique with interest. This isn’t part of the usual pattern. The way his cheeks flourish with a pink, visible even with the moonlight seeping through the thick curtains, has Luhan tempting his fingers around the rim of the cup.

“C-can...you come over?”

And that’s all it takes for Luhan to shove the glass to the floor, the pieces shattering upon impact with the hardwood floor. Sehun jumps from the bed to see the glass haphazardly strewn across the once clean floor, and Jongin’s voice of concern is heard blazing out of the phone.

"Sehun! What was that?  Are you okay? "

'Stop it...'

“A glass just fell down. No biggie.”

Luhan feels guilty from the scared tone Sehun uses. Maybe he shouldn’t have done that.

What could he have done though?

Sehun’s features show only fear and worry, but he seems to calm down when Jongin’s voice once again surges through the flimsy speaker of the phone. He wants to be the one to have that effect on him.

“Someone doesn’t want me to come to your house!” Jongin jokingly teases through the speakers.

"Hyung, you know I don't believe in stuff like that. It was probably just me being careless again."

Sehun and Jongin laugh as Luhan's hope diminish to a none.

If Luhan was visible to Sehun, he would've put down the hands that covered his face in an attempt to discard the sadness that covered his features. Sehun would've asked him if he was alright. Would've made sure that he smiled in an attempt to see those tear-brimmed eyes crinkle up with happiness. But the clock just sends more ticks and tocks, and Sehun doesn't see him still.

How can someone love you if they can't even know that you exist?

Luhan slams his fists against the wall and slides down right after.

Sehun ignores it; he's used to the weird sounds that the room creates. It's just the water pipes. Nothing more.

He doesn't even flinch when he hears those sounds anymore.

"So can you come over?"

His voice is filled with expectation and a rush of calmness. Something only Jongin can only bring him. He, after all, was with him from the start.

"I'll be over right away!  I have to change into some decent clothes."

Sehun only chuckles with a 'thank you hyung'  before he hangs up.

Luhan stands in front on the drawer this time, head hanging. He barely notices Sehun until he is standing right in front of him.

‘Sehun. Can you see me?’

His voice sounds soft as always. Only he can hear it but, is Sehun actually looking into his eyes?

‘Can you hear me? Can you...finally hear me?’

Sehun smiles as Luhan smiles, even with the feeling of tears slowly cascading down.

‘I thought this would never happen...’

Sehun released a short laugh and Luhan thinks he was finally the cause of it. Were all those times of pain finally coming to an end?

Can he finally believe in a happily ever after?

‘Can I...have a hug…?’

Sehun lifts his arm up to reach Luhan only for it to go right through him,  the feeling unpleasant as he quickly shuffles to the side. Looking back at Sehun,  goosebumps covering the surface of the arm that passed through him,  he realised that he was only reaching to pull out a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt from the wardrobe he was standing in front of.

Even if it was impossible, he still had hope. He clung onto the ideal thought that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to be the cause of his smiles.

The cause of his melodious laughter.

The cause of all the good things to come.

But disappointed always seemed to find its way into Luhan's life (as ridiculous as it sounded considering he no longer has one).

He took the liberty of looking through the room he had become too familiar with. No pictures hanged from the walls,  which was strange considering that every house possessed at least one decorating their walls. A small shelf of books covered most of the wall opposite of the table beside the bed. None caught his attention,  as usual. He began searching around the house after his small look through of the room only to be found face to face with the door that led to the attic.

Maybe having his own Odyssey can actually bring him some calm.

Maybe, unlike Odysseus, being away from the one you love can actually make you lose your misery.

The door creaked open as he pushed it open,  but no sound of stress were heard from the stairs as he delicately walked up them. If his body were made of anything but his empty mass, the stairs would've creaked under the pressure that was forced upon it.

The sound of the doorbell was heard and Sehun’s bare feet padded in the direction Luhan could only guess was the front door. He paid them no heed as he continued his journey of walking into the attic.

After all, the best way to avoid pain was to just pretend that it wasn’t there in the first place.

This would be the first time he had ventured up here; darkness never pleased him and just the idea of it all had the hairs of his neck stand up. With all the dust that surround him,  he only thinks that it's fair to believe that he's the only one to venture up here in at least a year’s time.

Boxes, towers of them, come into view as soon as his tiny feet reach the top step.  

He sees flashes of red dance across his vision. It vanishes as quickly as it came, but still leaves Luhan feeling as if he isn’t supposed to be here. In all honesty, he doesn’t belong in this world either. Every instinct is telling him to run, but he has to continue.

Because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t simply stop here.

Even if he wanted to.

Like the way a ventriloquist forces the his puppet to perform the most ridiculous acts, invisible strings held and controlled Luhan’s limbs to perform a circus act.

He stumbled through the room despite the shaking that started to act through his legs. He was scared, but of what? Nothing but his own thoughts can hurt him anymore.

Moonlight, once again, was the only thing illuminating the entire attic. It barely shone its light through the thick layers of dust and dirt that were plastered on the window. The dust floating through the air would have been sickening to anyone. Clouding up every nook and cranny, it was everywhere.

Laughter can be heard emitting from the heating vents leading downstairs, but he paid them no heed. For once, he was distracted by the pain his heart seemed to scream when he realized that he wasn’t the one that was able to have such an effect on Sehun. When your mind is so occupied on one action, everything else is just shunned away into a dark place just waiting for light once more.

Luhan is drawn to a single photoframe that peeks out of a hole in a box. Surely it has seen better days; it was caked with dirt, the glass broken, and the wood rotting away from unseen moisture. He was so entranced by it. Stepping closer and closer, the laughter downstairs becoming louder and louder, Luhan unknowingly knocked down the small tower of boxes that held the picture frame with his feet and the laughter below ceased. Luhan panicked: the noise was loud in the quiet dark night. The panic only increased as he heard two sets of padded footsteps make their way up the stairs. The squeaks the stairs let out were long and almost endless and, in the midst of the commotion he made, he hid behind another tower of three or so boxes.

But how can you hide something that’s not even there?

Hushed whispers were exchanged between Sehun and Jongin as they investigated the cause of the loud ‘bang!’ from upstairs. The footsteps came closer to Luhan and his hiding place, but he stayed put.

“Ah, hyung, what’s this?”

Sehun’s voice filtered through the air as it usually did, and Luhan finally stopped shivering. He always seemed to react to his voice in that way. He finally packed his worries away and walked up to seeing Sehun carrying the same picture frame he was attracted to earlier.

“It looks like that picture we took a couple years back.”

Jongin replied with the same tone followed by a slight giggle, but only one voice can sound delightful to Luhan’s ears.

It was a fairly new picture, in terms of the time it was taken, with a simple backdrop. Blue sky, green grass, no clouds in sight. Three figures stood in the center with joie de vivre. Two were familiar to him, how could he not familiarize the only two people involved in his own world? Jongin stood in the far right, skin just a hint lighter than what it is today. Sehun stood in the far left, one arm holding a ‘V’ sign and the other arm hooked around the person in the middle. But when Luhan looked to see who the third person was, he was only met with a slim torso and angrily scribbled black marker successfully mutilating the figure that was once imprinted.

Sehun innocently pointed to the figure in the middle, bottom lip jutting out,  as he looked up to Jongin.

"And this person right here?"

A barely audible sigh passed through Jongin’s lips when he stares up to Sehun, meeting his eyes.

"I don't remember."

Jongin looks so guilty, and Luhan almost feels bad for him. Lips drawn down, eyes casting a glassy look, it's a sad sight for anyone. But Sehun just ignores it and lets out a small sound that could only be counted as laughter.

"And I thought I was the one with memory problems!" Sehun laughs out, arm playfully hitting Jongin’s bicep.

Luhan has the urge to just reach out and do the same to Sehun (and Jongin, but with more force on his part).

He reaches his arm out in longing only to bump into another box. The back and forth, back and forth, back and forth,  movement catches the attention of the other pair. Sehun places the picture frame on the floor and takes off the top box of the tower tilting only for it to crash down on him.

Jongin and Luhan both jump at the same time but only one successfully directs the boxes in another direction.

"Are you okay Sehun? You have to be more careful! "

Jongin scolds, and Sehun looks at him with those puppy eyes. A multitude of have objects fell from the box and are spread across Luhan's side. Loads of childish clothes fall lightly to the ground. Sehun wraps his arms around him and buries his face in the crook of his neck.

A 'thank you hyung'  is barely audible but there.

But Luhan wants those words being spoken by Sehun only to get muffled by his neck. Jongin didn't obstruct the passage of the heavy boxes, he did.

He deserves those words.

Somehow it always ends up like this.

Ever since he woke up in this house, bound by the same routines day by painful day, he helped Sehun out of many more situations he can count on both of their hands.

Tripping on the wet floor.

Falling off the step ladder.

Cutting himself when making dinner.

The list goes on.

They were all prevented by him.

But he never gets a thank you. Instead, he is treated nothing better than the wilted potted plant placed outside on the front porch. Ignored. No matter what he does to help, in the end, he's only believed to be a rush of luck to Sehun.

Luhan can't feel any physical pain but the psychological one is definitely there.

Sehun and Jongin leave soon after that, whispers of "it's not safe up here" emits from Jongin’s lips. After the coast is clear,  Luhan knocks down an unstable row of boxes against the wooden floor with a heavy kick. The contents spill onto the once polished floor but he didn't expect to see that.

Luhan's face was printed on nearly twenty or thirty photographs.