When his mind decided to betray on him and started rolling on, portraying the flashback of the memories of that one particular person, he can’t help but feeling like a loser. They had been happy together just like any other loving couple would be. Creating happy moments, fighting over the simplest things, savouring each other with endless love, it just felt like they had the whole world all to themselves. If they have the power, they had stop the time so that they could be in each other’s arms forever.

“Jjong, what do you like about me?” Jinki asked while caressing the blonde’s cheeks.

The breezy wind blew passed them, sending chills when the soft air touched their skin. It was their favourite place where they usually goes just to have a real private time together. Jinki had no idea how did the other managed to find the beautiful park because it seemed deserted that there were only just the two of them all the time. It was like their secret place. But he didn’t bothered to question it because somehow besides having the person that he loves with all his heart by his side, this place had always left him relax and peaceful as if he has no problems and that he should enjoys life while he can.

“Jinki...” He looked down at the sound of his name. Jonghyun’s head was lying on his lap and he carefully and ran his hand through the blonde’s strands of hair. “I like your sangtae the most.” Jinki widened his eyes and hit the other playfully on his chest. Jonghyun let out a giggle and caught the brunette’s hand. “I’m joking. I like everything about you.” He flashed a warm smile and Jinki knew he was telling the truth.

“What do you like the most about me?” There was silence for a moment before Jonghyun looked up at him and stared deep into his eyes, locking their gaze. “I have no favourites when it comes to you. Everything about you is perfection.” Jinki frowned upon hearing that but it was quickly replaced by a small smile. “Jjongie, you always exaggerate things.” He pouted when the latter chuckled, making Jonghyun sat up and leaned his forehead on his. Their face was so close that they can felt each other’s warm breath brushing against the skin. The blonde pecked his nose and then his still pouting lips. “No I don’t. I really love you, you know that right?” Jinki gave a bright smile and nodded. “Sure. I love you too.” He pulled Jonghyun into a hug, tightening it as the other boy slipped his hands around his waist, afraid that good time like this will end once he ever let go.

“Baby, see the big tree over there?”

Jinki turned his head to the direction Jonghyun was pointing at. He nodded and raised an eyebrow, a hint of confuse was visible on his face. “Let’s carve our name on it. And the tree will be ours.” The blonde said cheerfully while gesturing a big circle with his hands on the air. Jinki smiled lovingly at the latter, sometimes his boyfriend could be more childish than he is. Nonetheless, he agreed and let the younger male dragged him to the tree.

Jonghyun looked around the ground for awhile before picking up a stone. “I think this is sharp enough.” He started carving something with capital letters followed by a big heart shape below his name. Then he gave the stone to Jinki. “Your turn.” The brunette stared at him weirdly. “Bunny? I thought we’re carving our NAMES?” He furrowed his eyebrows together making Jonghyun pinched his chubby cheeks from how cute he looks. “Simply because you look like one. My lovely bunny.” Jinki smirked at the answer and begun carving, slightly blocking the blonde’s view. When he was done, Jonghyun whined at his work. “Yahh, why dino?” He pouted and this time Jinki’s the one who pinched his cheeks. “Simply because you look like one. My lovely dino.” He burst out laughing and Jonghyun can’t help but laughed along at his cuteness.

“I really love your laugh.” Jinki’s laughter died down and was replaced by a sugary smile. Shade of light pink were creeping up his face. “Jonghyun...” He intertwined his fingers with the other’s. “This tree is ours now right?” The blonde chuckled but nodded anyways. “I wonder when would I be able to see it again. Will you keep coming here by yourself just to make sure our names are always there?” Jinki asked earning a weird look from the other.

“Why did you said that? We could always come together.”

“Oh, um nothing. Just saying.”

“You’re so weird.”

“I’m not, believe me.”

Jonghyun just shrugged it off considering the older male always talked about random things. Months passed by and that was actually the last time they went to the secret place. The last time before a dark point decided to break the wall of faith and belief, tainted the relationship with a heartbreaking truth.

“Hey dude. You seemed like you were falling for that freak. What’s up bro?” Key said smirking at the thought. Jonghyun snickered at the latter while shaking his head. “No I’m not. Of course I had to act real or else he wouldn’t fall for my charm.” He took a puff of his cigarette and blew out the smoke freely. Key patted his back, satisfied with his reply. “Good. You did remember this weekend is the end right?” Jonghyun simply nodded and gave a sly grin. “Yes. I would confess to him by then.” And with that, Key pulled him closer until their soft lips brushed and ended up in a heated make out session.

Time had flew and everything seemed normal except for a fragile heart that had been broken. Jonghyun still remembered the day he confessed to Jinki about the bet he sealed with Key. The bet that challenged him to seduce the brunette in any ways and makes him his just for the fun. And that he never loved Jinki because Key had always been his actual lover even before he met Jinki. What’s unexpected was the reaction that Jonghyun received from the older male. He had thought that he would at least gets a hard punch, mouthful swears or knee kick on the balls. But no, Jinki didn’t do those things. Instead, he just smiled sadly, thanking Jonghyun for giving him wonderful memories that he would carry to his last breath. And just like that, he walked away without even saying goodbye. Leaving Jonghyun speechless and drowned in his own guiltiness.

There’s one time where he was walking down a street by himself in the busy city and a familiar figure greeted his sight from the other end. It was the first time he had seen Jinki after their last encounter a couple of months before that. Jinki didn’t tried to avoid him and run away, and he too was acting as if they were complete strangers. When they walked passed one another, Jonghyun could see that those chubby cheeks had gone, the usual bright face had lost it’s glow and his skin was paler. He never had any idea what was going on with the boy until the day he received a phone call.

“Can I speak to Jonghyun?”

“Speaking. Who is this?”

“Taemin, Jinki’s brother if you still remember him.” Jonghyun gasped into the phone, startled by the name that had just slipped off from the other line. He tried to remain calm before replying. “Yes. What’s the reason of calling me?” There was a short moment of silence and Jonghyun didn’t know why his heart was pounding rapidly in his chest. He sort of feeling nervous, as if something had happened. “Um, I don’t know how to say this on the phone but could you come to our house? Only this time, pretty please.” Jonghyun frowned upon hearing the tone of the boy. “Why? If this is related to Jinki, can I..um..speak to him?” The blonde swore he could hear faint sobs coming from the boy. Before he could ask, the boy cut him off. “No, y-you just have to come here first. Jinki told me to give something to you. I really hope you come.”

Jonghyun regretted that he ever went to Jinki’s house that day only to be greeted by the news of Jinki’s death. He couldn’t believe it at first but when a sobbing Taemin came to him and the other family members were hugging each other and sounds of sadness lingered through the air, he knew it must be true. Jonghyun didn’t know how to respond, he felt sad but he didn’t cried. He was just blank, empty. When Taemin told him that Jinki died because of the cancer that he was suffering since a year before, he headed towards the big framed picture of Jinki that was sitting on top of a small table. He ran his fingertips over the surface, the style of his hair, the shape of his eyes and nose, everything was captivating and knowing he didn’t have the chance to touch the real person anymore, tears finally escaped from his eyes. Jinki was smiling so beautifully in the picture that he forgot the brunette was suffering before he died.  

“This was actually the gift that he wanted to give to you for the anniversary. But yeah...I guess you get it.” He received a small box containing a pair of silver couple rings. Jonghyun hung his head low and nodded, feeling ashamed to admit his mistake out aloud. He took out both of the rings and each had his name and Jinki’s carved on it. How excited the boy could have been to give this to him and yet he was the one to take away his dream. He noticed that there was a thin folded paper slid into the box and he took it, reading the content.

Hey, you must be reading this letter now and by then... it means I’m no longer in this world. Jonghyun, now that we were no longer lovers, I think I didn’t have the right to call you Jjongie anymore. You probably hated that pet name... I don’t know if you realize about this but you actually confessed about the bet two days before our first anniversary. The anniversary that I had been waiting patiently but never got the chance to celebrate it. I figured maybe you didn’t even remember about the stupid date because me and you, it was fake right? Stupid, hmm just like me...

Jonghyun, do you know how much you hurts me? It was so painful. I had always felt the pain from the cancer, but the pain that you’re adding, it was too much. I really can’t bear it. There’s no single night that I slept without crying till I’m running out of tears. What did I do in the past that deserve all this? Either way, I..I still love you and will always do. I actually wanted to tell you about my illness the day we carved our names on the tree but I didn’t want to ruin the happy moment that we had there. Oh speaking of the tree, I never got the chance to see it anymore since the last time we went there. I..I just hope you didn’t go and erase our names because at least give me some hope that you really mean it when you said you love me in the past. I could still hope eventhough it’s pitiful right?

Do you understand now why did I asked you to keep coming to the park by yourself? Yes, because I won’t be able to do it anymore. Our secret place, I guess it no longer had any meaning to you, maybe it never had. But I’ll always cherish that place like how I cherished our short relationship. Jonghyun, don’t ever say you love someone when you didn’t mean it. Even with what you did to me, I want to thank you again for giving me something meaningful to be remembered in my short life, our  memories. Did I babbled too much? Hehe I don’t know if you even bother to read this letter. I guess that’s all. I actually had a lot more to say but it’s time for me to go. Goodbye, my lovely dino...

- The late Lee Jinki

(1989/12/14-2011/07/18)

Jonghyun closed both of his eyelids tightly as beads of clear and warm crystals streaming down his face, reflecting the true feelings of his heart. He felt regrets and guiltiness washed over him so bad that he started clenching on the fabric down his chest area, where the heart is located, feeling a sharp pain struck through him. The flashback of the past memories had stopped rolling in his mind, but the pain in his heart was still there, and it would never goes away. It was pathetic of him of how he only realized he actually loves the boy only after he was no longer in the cruel world created by him and he had no chance to beg for forgiveness eventhough Jinki never said he was mad at him.

His thought ran back to the letter and he sobbed even louder when Jinki stated the word ‘The late’ in front of his name and the date when he was born followed by the date of his death, as if he had been knowing all along when the exact day he would die. Jonghyun always hoped this was all just a nightmare and he just had to wake up in order to be free of this mess. Another tears escaped from his bloodshot eyes as he thought about it.

When does nightmares starting to become so real? But the realization finally hits him hard.

This nightmare is actually a reality.