That was the day Luhan sensed something troubling in Sehun’s voice but he let it loose and that’s when Luhan’s list of beautiful mistakes was updated.

 

How strange that Luhan doesn’t know Sehun at all when he actually thought he did.

 

But Luhan closed his eyes and hoping nothing but the best as he fell.

 

 

---

 

 

Luhan told himself not to get attached with someone. But being a stubborn he is, Luhan doesn’t even follow his own mind.

Luhan grasp his hair and sighed in frustration. “Keep your head held up high, Luhan,” he cursed himself as he let out a sigh.

Luhan stared at the book in front of him as he read the similar lines all over again. It’s the fifth time that he had to re-read the lines to make it register in his head.

And Luhan hates reading the same lines all over again just because his mind wasn’t with him as he is reading the book.

Luhan gave up after the seventh time and put the book down.

He had never acted this way before. He never had to read the lines all over again to understand what the author is trying to say.

Luhan never puts a book down with willingness before.

It’s like he’s changing into a whole new different person that Luhan, himself couldn’t quite picture what it is.

Luhan told himself don’t get attached but in his mind the story is playing back.

The story of how he fell for Sehun played all over again in his mind like there’s this one cinema in his head.

The story played back, spinning faster than the plane that took Sehun away.

And Luhan couldn’t do anything else but to watch.

As the story of his beautiful yet tragic life flashed again in his mind.

 

Luhan knew, doing things that he used to do with Sehun will only hurt him even more but he still does it anyway.

It hurts when he’s thinking about Sehun. It also hurts when he’s not thinking about Sehun.

Luhan brushed his fingertips on the album before flipping it open.

Everything is neat and in order. Luhan smiled to himself.

He still remembers that time when he told Sehun to just shove everything inside but Sehun shook his head in disapproval before taking one by one of the pictures and placed it neatly in the album.

Almost every single picture in the album consists of two smiling faces and a handful of memories.

Luhan found it amusing how a single picture can take him back to all the memories and Luhan couldn’t help it but to wish that he could live back to the moment all over again.

Luhan brushed his fingers on every picture and sometimes smile to himself or even chuckle when the memories hit him.

Everything was just full of smiles and rainbows when Sehun was there in his life.

“I miss you.” Luhan said as he traced Sehun’s face in the picture with his fingers.

Luhan turned to the very last page, their last picture together. It felt like the picture was just taken yesterday because everything is just so fresh in Luhan’s memory.

Luhan remembered how he pushed away the camera when Sehun brought it up to his face.

Luhan remembered how he said, “Stop it, Sehun-ah,” and Sehun will just chuckle before aiming the lens back on Luhan’s face while muttering, “You’re beautiful, stop hiding it.”

Luhan remembered how Sehun came in when he’s baking with the camera in his grasp.

Luhan remembered how Sehun will lean on the kitchen tiles while taking snapshots of Luhan trying his hard to bake a brownie.

Luhan remembered how Sehun pulled him closer by the waist and urged him to take a decent picture of them together.

Luhan remembered how he threw the leftover flour on Sehun’s face and how the latter scrunched up his nose and muttering useless threats to him.

Luhan remembered how Sehun’s lips tasted a little bit like flour when they kissed.

Luhan remembered every single one of them. Just like it had happened yesterday.

It hurts when Luhan is missing Sehun. It will also hurt when Luhan isn’t missing Sehun.

The feeling Luhan can know so much, without feeling anything at all.

Pain.

Luhan is immune to pain.

 

Luhan never had any regrets in his life.

He simply lives with no regrets but it’s amazing how he practically lives full with regrets now.

Everything is just regret, regret, regret and more regret.

If Luhan had known what he known now, he never would have played so nonchalant.

It simply hits Luhan hard on the face when he realized that he’s a coward.

Luhan never uttered a single word when he sent Sehun off. It’s just a simple, “okay” and a nod. And God knows how regretful Luhan felt at this time.

He can still feel the regret crawling up his skin even when he’s just sitting around, doing nothing.

Luhan regretted not saying anything more to Sehun.

Luhan regretted not holding on to Sehun a little bit longer.

Luhan regretted not kissing Sehun back for the last time.

Luhan regretted not muttering a simple ‘I love you’  back to Sehun.

Luhan regretted not having the courage to catch the love of his life.

Luhan regretted not doing anything when he could’ve done so much more.

Luhan regretted it.

 

Luhan watched in silence as he stood on the sidewalk, watching as the city passed through him.

All the illuminating lights and sound of vehicles driving down the road never pulled Luhan back to reality.

People said there will be this one time when reality is finally better than the dreams and he would never wanted to dream again because the reality is better and up until now, Luhan still wonders when will that occur to him.

Luhan hailed a taxi to drive him back home before sitting quietly at the back seat, staring out of the window.

Luhan used to get in a taxi with Sehun and when the driver asked them where they are going, Sehun will just smile that assuring smile Luhan loved the most and told the driver, “anywhere.”

Luhan used to laugh at all those jokes Sehun told him as the taxi sped through the roads.

Luhan used to lean his head on Sehun’s shoulder and entwined his hands with Sehun as both of them smiled.

Luhan used to hear Sehun’s soft voice telling him everything will be alright when Luhan is quite sure it isn’t.

Luhan used to stumble out the taxi with his arm around Sehun’s shoulder and they will laugh at every little thing in this world.

 

Taxi cabs and busy streets that never bring Sehun back to him.

Luhan can’t help but wish that Sehun took him along.

Because being with Sehun is much better than waking up to an empty space beside him.

 

Luhan cut himself with the knife while he was doing the dishes.

He yelped in pain and quickly the blood out from his cut.

Luhan cursed before kneeling down to grab a plaster from the cabinet.

He carefully applied the plaster on his cut and sighed as he leaned on the kitchen wall.

The pain is stinging and Luhan will constantly felt like the wound is pumping underneath the plaster.

Sehun would literally kill him if he knew about this. He had always been extra sensitive about Luhan getting hurt.

And Luhan bitterly laughed as he thought about it. “Idiot. You hate seeing me hurting but yet, you still left me. You’re an idiot, Sehun.” Luhan muttered.

Luhan walked out of the kitchen and flopped himself down on the couch.

As much as the cut is hurting him, it’s okay. Luhan is used with getting hurt.

Luhan is used with all the pain running through his veins.

 

This is like falling in love in the cruellest way.

This is like falling for Sehun and he’s miles away.

“Where are you? Am I supposed to hang around and wait forever?” Luhan muttered.

But Sehun is in London and Luhan break down because it’s not fair that Sehun is not around.

It certainly isn’t fair how Sehun couldn’t hear all Luhan’s cries.

And this is when the feeling sinks in; Luhan never wanted to miss Sehun this way. He never wanted to need Sehun this way.

Luhan fell for Sehun harder than he expected. How fast it happened and yet how slow it played in Luhan’s memory.

They said that time heals everything. But they don't know Sehun. And the scars he brings into Luhan’s life.

But Luhan still loved every one of it. Because loving Sehun was his favourite mistake.

Luhan sit back and closed his eyes as the memories are playing like there’s some kind of a cinema inside his head all over again.

 

 

“Come back, be here.”