“See this heart, won't settle down. Like a child running scared from a clown.”

Sehun stared as Luhan is hurting himself, again.

The blade is like Luhan’s favourite thing to hold on nowadays.

“Luhan …. Stop it, please.” Sehun begged.

Luhan shot a glance at Sehun. There are tears in his eyes.

“Do you think I want any of this? No, Sehun. No.” Luhan sobbed.

Sehun watched hopelessly as Luhan is sinking the blade on his skin, again and again, leaving permanent marks on his body.

He wanted to help Luhan but he just can’t.  Nothing can save someone from their own addiction.

Nothing.

“Luhan?” Sehun cocked his head into the dark room.

He heard a faint sob coming from the corner.

“Luhan? I’m here. You don’t have to worry.” Sehun slowly walked into the room and switched on the lights.

Luhan is sobbing on the floor, holding a blade with one of his hand.

“Luhan. What are you trying to do?” Sehun ran to Luhan and took away his blade.

“Why are you doing this, Luhan? Why?” Sehun demanded an answer.

He stopped sobbing but Luhan didn’t say anything.

Sehun put his arms around Luhan and rocked him softly back and forth.

“Why is life so hard? Is it making fun of me?” Luhan asked.

“No, Luhan. You just didn’t realize the real meaning of life yet.” Sehun assured him.

“When will I realize it, Sehun? When? This world is just so cruel to me.” Luhan started to sob.

“Hush, Luhan, hush. Everything’s going to be alright.”

Sehun said even though Sehun is not entirely sure that everything is going to turn out fine.

Sehun slowly knelt beside Luhan and took his blade away.

“You don’t need this, Luhan.” Sehun said as he held Luhan’s hands tightly.

“Why can’t I run away from it, Sehun. Why can’t I?” Luhan cried.

“I’m sure you can, Luhan. You’re just not strong enough.” Sehun said.

“When will I be strong enough? I’ll never be strong enough for everything.”

Sehun watched again as Luhan cried to himself in Sehun’s arms.

“You don’t have to cry, Luhan. I’m not mad at you.” Sehun patted Luhan’s back.

Luhan lifted his head slowly and stared into Sehun’s eyes before saying, “But I am mad with myself.”

“I'm terrified of what you do. My stomach screams just when I look at you.”

“Run far away. So I can breathe. Even though you're far from suffocating me.”

Luhan ran away.

He tried to escape all the madness. All the madness that came from himself.

Luhan is used with the smell of blood. And how shiny the blade looks when he’s holding it.

He’s used with all of them.

Luhan wanted to run away from them. He wanted to run away so badly but he just can’t.

The further he ran away, the worse the situation will be.

It’s true that Sehun is always there to give him hopes, motivations but sometimes Sehun’s voice is so far away until Luhan can’t differentiate whether it’s real or not.

He’ll feel the warmness coming from Sehun’s body when he wrapped his arms around Luhan. But Sehun can’t heat up the coldness inside of him.

Nobody can.

“Hey, Luhan! You should try doing it. Don’t be such a baby.” His friends .

“Aw baby Luhannie is scared of doing it.” The others added.

Luhan screamed in his head. Why can’t his friends just leave him alone?

“We should just leave him alone, he’s going to be a coward all the way until he’s DEAD.” They laughed teasingly at Luhan.

“I AM NOT A COWARD.” Luhan yelled at them.

“Oh really? Then try it.” A boy handed out a blade to him.

Luhan gulped.

“Do it and we’ll never tease you again.” The boy said.

Luhan took the blade with his shaky hands.

He must do it. Or else the boys will never stop teasing him.

After all, only one scar won’t hurt, right?

Luhan blamed himself for being too dumb.

He should’ve just rejected the blade when his friend handed it to him.

He should’ve just keep on reading the book instead of paying attention to those jerks.

He should’ve.

Now it’s too late to turn back. Too late.

He loves Sehun, he really does. Every part of him is hurting every time he stared into Sehun’s sad eyes.

He wanted to make Sehun happy but how can he when he, himself is not happy?

Surely, Sehun promised that he’ll stand by Luhan’s side forever.

But nowadays forever is just nothing.

Just like his own life, nothing.

“I can't set my hopes too high because every hello ends with a goodbye.”

“But you're so hypnotizing. You got me laughing while I sing. You got me smiling in my sleep.”

Sehun woke up and immediately looked beside him. He’s always making sure that Luhan will never be out from his sight.

It’s like his daily basis to check on Luhan 24/7.

Sehun will gently Luhan’s hair and traced every single feature on Luhan’s face.

Luhan is like an angel. An angel with broken wings.

Wanting to fly up high again but failed.

Luhan is Sehun’s own version of an angel.

Sehun stares at Luhan until he’s awake. But most of the time Luhan is going to be awake as soon as he’s awake.

Sehun smiled at Luhan again. He’ll shot a few glances to Luhan to make sure he’s doing fine every time they’re together.

Sehun is trying hard to make every moment in Luhan’s life is enjoyable. He just wants to see Luhan as a happy child, that’s all.

Luhan loves singing.

When the first time Sehun heard him sang, he swore that’s the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. No doubts anymore.

And starting from that day, Sehun will start singing to Luhan and they’ll both ended up singing together.

To be honest, that’s the only way to make Luhan smiles.

And Sehun loves how Luhan smiled every time they’re singing together. He wished he can just repeat the moment all over again.

“Should we sing today?” Sehun asked Luhan while smiling.

Luhan slowly nodded.

Sehun is relieved to see that there’s no sign of blade near Luhan on that day. He just wants Luhan to live his life as a normal teenager, happy and joyful.

But of course, the happiness is just temporary.

Sehun started to sing the first verses of the song and Luhan will slowly join in.

The mood will be brighter once Luhan is singing with a smile on his face and his body swaying right and left.

At that time, Luhan looks just like those normal teenagers out there.

Not that Luhan is not normal, but it kills Sehun deep inside to see Luhan is always sad with himself.

Leaving permanent marks on that flawless skin of his.

Luhan doesn’t deserve to be in this pain. He deserves a better life, but what can Sehun do?

You can’t change your own fate.

“I can't open up my heart without a care. But here I go, it's what I feel. And for the first time in my life I know it's real.”

Luhan stared at Sehun. He’s still sleeping soundly next to Luhan.

Taking in every little detail about him. Luhan wants to treasure Sehun in his heart forever.

Luhan slowly pecked Sehun’s cheeks and got up from the bed.

He had been thinking about some things for a long time already.

Luhan slowly paced around the house.

Today, he slowly sang it again. He sang the song that Sehun and he always listened together.

He hummed to the melody quietly.

Music is Luhan’s escape from this cruel world. Luhan found that music is the only thing to drown the reality that he hates so much.

He made his decision last night. And for the first time in his life, Luhan know it’s real.

Luhan wondered if his life is just full of lies. Is his life is just a plain lie too?

“The world will always be the same. Only the people changed.” Luhan mumbled.

And all we can do is keeping on wishing and hoping when none of our wishes and hopes are going to be granted. Luhan thought.

What a pathetic world he’s living in. A world full with lies and crushed dreams.

Luhan’s thought trailed back to Sehun, the only person he loves in this world.

The only person that makes Luhan see the world might be a better place to live in.

Can Sehun actually survive without having he by his side?

Of course yes, what is Luhan kidding about. Sehun must be dying to get rid of Luhan.

Luhan sighed. He’s only being a burden to Sehun all this time.

When the first time Sehun offered him a helping hand, Luhan thought that it’s a dream.

Because who wants to help a person who can’t be helped anymore?

Through Luhan’s eyes, Sehun is his angel, his own version of an angel.

Even though Luhan had never seen an angel before. Luhan wondered, will he meet an actual angel when he’s at the heaven later on?

Do angels even exist in this filthy world?

Yes, this world is filthy. Not because of itself, but because of all the humans living inside it.

"And I’m writing this letter in my head because so many things were left unsaid."Luhan mumbled to himself.

He grabs his blade from the drawer and walked towards the balcony.

The clean fresh air hits his face. Luhan breathed in deeply and smiled.

He’s sure he made the right decision.

No more broken hearts.

No more fake smiles.

No more these screaming voices inside his head.

And most importantly, no more sad Sehun.

Luhan is not giving up. It’s just that he’s tired. Tired of everything.

He closed his eyes and slashed the blade along his pulse.

Enduring the pain that Luhan is very sure, will be his last pain.

"I wonder why it always has to hurt, for every lesson that you have to learn."