It's almost healing to be here, Jongdae thought, Almost.
He came to the lake to go wake-boarding again. Came here again to let his lungs get filled with air. To forget all the pain, stress, restless nights and to feel the cold lake water on his skin. He came to wash away the lingering feeling of being lost. Came to drown the ache of hatred that he felt lately, but no matter how long the let his body soak in the water, no matter how many times he fell in the water, no matter how numb his body got and how much his legs started to get sore - his mind would always remind him, and his heart did too.
Baekhyun and Taeyeon...
Even the sun glistening on the lake couldn't make him happy today. It strangely looked like a huge broken mirror, falling apart into tiny little pieces that no one would ever be able to put together again. Not even him.
I don't want to go home.
Even till late in the evening he sat at the lake some more, enjoyed the noisyness of nature with its animals and the fading sound of the lakes light waves. He knew, the ride home would be awful. He'd be bored - and his boredom always led to one thing: Overthinking.
And Overthinking brought him to sadness, to rebellion against his own feelings, to feelings he wouldn't dare to voice out.
Depressions. Anger. Desperation. Aggressions.
He hated it, the silence of his own soul. To him it was noisy beyond belief.

- - - - - - - -

As always the first thing he did when entering their dorm was to rearrange the shoes of the maknaes. On this day too, they were lying around everywhere, making it hard to even set foot into the tiny corridor without breaking his neck. Sehuns bright red new shoes were so much apart that Jongdae was sure he kicked them off with so much force, it probably could have hurt someone. Seems like everyone is already here, he thought and sighed. As much as he loved to be as EXO together, lately it was saddening - with Kris gone, the whole athmosphere was tense. Being 11 didn't make much sense to him. He couldn't really put his finger on it, but it was strange. Everything.
The second thing that happened on most days was that a tall lanky kid came rushing to the door to ramble something to Jongdae about his day and wooow so much cool stuff that had happened while he was away, all the while he had that stupid but highly infectious grin on his face. But not today. Chanyeol was at the roommate-set more than often lately. I miss him.
"Oh, you're home!" he heard a voice say, and was happy it wasn't his bestfriends. "Hey Kyungsoo," he answered and hugged the shorter male briefly before collecting his bag and making his way to his room - Kyungsoo never were the guy to make smalltalk just for the heck of it and right now Jongdae wasn't either - when he saw the maknae-line sitting in the living room "hey to you guise, too" he grinned and wasn't shocked when the only thing he got in return was a silent nod from the three. Too caught up in games like always.
Standing in front of his room, one hand on the door, he was almost relieved to not having to deal with the Byun-Baekhyun issue, when said boy suddenly stood right in front of him in his room, Jongdaes room. And it just hit Jongdae like a right hook, right in his empty stomach. For a moment he felt like shutting the door and going to the lake again, just to see the sun, and the water, and the million tiny reflections that made him feel like giving up.
Give up, Kim Jongdae! He thought to himself. It's not a movie where he waited all day for you..
The screams in his head were so loud that Jongdae felt dizzy, felt nauseous and felt like running away - again.
"Oh.. uh.. hey!" Baekhyun started to ramble and fiddle with the Shirt in his hands - Jongdaes shirt - "Can I borrow this? Only for today!! Really!! Cause I'm allowed to go out, and.."
ah.. he thought, He's going to meet her today... again. The cause of all his problems. The cause of his heart ripping apart and his lungs giving in. The cause of the sparkle in Baekhyuns eyes.
"I'm going to return it, but I really wanna look good for her.. again haha, but you know, I .. Well I'm not gone for long and you - do you need it now? Because ... Well maybe I will be gone for a bit longe-"
"Take it." Jongdae said, and only realised how hard he spoke after Baekhyuns eyes were slightly wider.
"A-all right?..Thanks, man. You'll get it back tomorrow?" He said in a sassy voice and Jongdae could feel his anger rising. "No need. You can have it" I don't want the shirt that she peels you out of. With that said he threw his bag on the bed and left the dorm room.
Running away was the best he could do - all he wanted to do .. But no matter how long he'd run or how far he'd flee and hard he wished for it, Baekhyun would never run after him.

- - - - - - - -

Everything looks brighter in the morning. Is what he told himself all the time. The light normally shone a bit brighter, the mind solved troubles in the sleep.
This time the mornings were the worst thing all together. They all - no 11 of them-  sat around their table, but no one seemed to really have the appetite to eat. Wether it was because they were still tired because they didn't get enough sleep, sick because of the exessive schedules or sick and tired of other things. Suho looked horrible ever since Kris left, the M-Members were tired because of the extra schedule that came hand in hand with kris vanishing. The maknaes missed Chanyeol more than ever, seeing that they had little to laugh about lately and worrying wasn't really their thing, and Baekhyun... Baekhyun was sleepy because of a whole different reason.
When he looked in Yixings eyes, Jongdae felt the sudden need to gather himself up and at least muster up a smile. His Hyungs eyes were heavy, with dark bags under them. His teint was sickly white and his posture so sunken in, that Jongdae could've sworn it hurt. With Suho so beaten and Kris gone, they needed someone to look after them. He tried his best to make s smile and give them energy but without the other 2 beagles Jongdae was just... not enough.
Never enough.
When everyone got ready to leave for their schedules and he placed all their plates in the sink, Jongdae felt his throat burn. A dry, cold burn that spread into his lungs, making them contrict up to a point where he slammed his shaking fist against his ripcage. His vision went black for a few seconds and when he looked up again, he saw Baekhyun fiddling with his phone, right there in front of him. Right there where he just felt like collapsing. Where for a split second every oxygen vanished. But Baekhyun didn't seem to have trouble breathing.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks for reading *__*
If you guys feel that I'm too harsh on baekhyun... well you're probably right, but it's Jongdaes sight sooo...
Well anyways feel free to leave a comment,
ramble about the unfairness of it all (cause I do that too <3) and stay tuned for the next chapter (I hope.. my motivations .. I can't seem to find them)
Again: Please let me know if you find mistakes or weird sentences.
Ty <3