Kim Jongin doesn't remember the last time he ever felt that moment of agonizing happiness or electrifying sadness. Whenever he feels any emotion, his feelings are not considered worthy. He is given the constant reminder of "people have it worse than you" or "there's better things to be happy about." Others viewed his depression as selfishness and his happiness as conceit. So, he did the same. But when he did not smile at his graduation or cry at his mother's funeral, the world viewed him as heartless, and cruel. But he did what they wanted him to do. He was no longer selfish or conceited, why did they still hate him? Why did they even pay attention to him? He held no worth, they called him nothing. Yet the minute he stepped out of boundary, their fingers all pointed at him in accusation. They all seemed to forget that he was human, and branded him as a monster.

Monster

For years, Jongin learned to embrace that word. At first, he did not like it. It set an uncomfortable feeling in his chest, as if it were leaving a mark. Even when thinking of the word, he would flinch in fear. Monster is associated with evil people, like dictators who killed their own people. Jongin was no killer nor was he evil. But there was a piece of the definition he did not see or even acknowledge: lack of humanity. Jongin called his monster Kai. Jongin is Kai but Kai could never be Jongin. Jongin was his personal synonym for human. He hadn't been called Jongin in years, losing his old identity. Kai had taken over. Jongin's humanity had slipped through his fingers like water, unable to be held. He definitely knew that he no longer had it, but he does not clearly remember having it in the first place. It had been too long since he laughed at a person tripping in public, or crying over his dead pet. He didn't even know how it felt to be loved. Because people don't fall in love with monsters. 

But monsters fall in love with people.

Kai didn't realize he was in love until he felt an unfamiliar warmth spread in his chest, electricity tingling his spine and rushing to his face. He had read books where people described love as the greatest of joys, a sensation of admiration and fulfillment. What Kai felt was lightning. Pure, raw lightning that struck cruelly and mercilessly at his heart three times. He knew the first struck of lightning had been a warning, a warning to stay away. The second was a last chance. The third was a death sentence. He didn't mean to fall in love, that had not been in the agenda. The agenda was to go to work, do work things, and leave immediately. That had been the routine for the last five years after he graduated from college. But his agenda had been rewritten and sabotaged. His agenda did not include accidentally bumping into the CEO of the company he works in. And by bumping into, he meant turning the corner and almost ramming his shoulder into the CEO's Adam's apple. He had been surprised that his shoulder could even reach that high, his unfortunate victim being practically a 1000 centimeters tall.

His name was Wu Yifan. The more he spent time with his boss, the more he realized that he wished falling in love was equivalent to punching someone in the face. So that he could wake up and see what was happening to him. Yifan was dangerous, he was making him feel. Kai had ran away in horror when he realized he laughed at a joke. Laughed. Yifan had been able to see right through him and Kai could not count how many times he found himself being pinned to a wall by the Chinese male, being demanded for answers. Too bad Kai never got the chance to speak, to tell Yifan that he could never truly love him because the only person able to love him would be Jongin. But Jongin was gone. They would always find themselves kissing each other's frustrations away.

Kai had no idea what to call his relationship with Yifan. The voices in his head labeled it as an escape. An escape from what he truly was. He finds himself constantly looking in the mirror, admiring the smirk on his face that he was sure he did not have. When he looks in the mirror, Jongin returns and it is Kai that looks back. Jongin is set free when he is the most vulnerable. Jongin was never fond of his reflection because it spoke too much truth. You could see the thin separation between Jongin and Kai, clearly seeing who was who.

Yifan doesn't say anything as he cleans away the glass shards on Kai's fists.

Kai thinks he needs help. Because someone who is clearly afraid of himself would need psychiatric help, right? When he voiced this to Yifan, he had gotten angry. He begged Kai to not to speak to anyone, that he would be taken away and Yifan would never see him again. Kai had been confused but reluctantly agreed. Yifan knew something was wrong with him, but he'd rather deal with Kai's darkness than have him locked away to be medically treated for the rest of his life.

Kai soon realized that Yifan was worse than a mirror. When they found each other laying side by side on Yifan's bed, Yifan had been able to see Jongin even in the dead of night. Yifan acted as if he was the key to getting Kai's humanity back; helping Kai return back to Jongin. Kai wasn't so sure he wanted Jongin to come back. Becoming Jongin meant being worthless. He'd rather be deemed as cruel than worthless. He did not know why others believed they could set a value for someone's worth but it still stuck to him like glue. He could never escape their harsh judgments no matter what he did. So he stayed by Yifan's side, using him as a shield.

But even the toughest of shields become worn out, and damaged. As Yifan was repairing Kai's humanity, he did not know that he was using pieces of his own to put it back together. As Kai found himself smiling more and more, Yifan grew bags under his eyes and his skin turned sickly pale. Kai could feel himself taking away all of Yifan's life energy, but he said nothing. Yifan was bound to Kai forever when Kai confessed that he loved him. He had gained enough humanity to acknowledge the love he held for Yifan but at the back of his mind, the voices told him that his love was killing him. Once again, Kai said nothing.

As Kai slowly returned to Jongin, Yifan faded into Kris. Gone was Yifan's gummy smiles and neatly, clean cut brunet hair. Kris was cold, calculating, and cunning and had blond hair. He had become ruthless, stepping on others to gain more success. Gone was Kai's self loathing and emotionless face. Jongin was a dancer, a lover, and an optimist.  Despite his drastic change in personality, Jongin still loved Kris. They had switched roles and Kris found himself in Kai's shoes. And he hated it. He hated Jongin's smile and his beautiful laughter. He hated his happiness. Because it reminded him so much of Yifan's.

It was Jongin's turn to clean the glass and blood.

"What's wrong with us?" had been a constant question that floated between them. It was a question that reminded them of their reality, telling them that they were never meant to be because they fed from each other's happiness. One could not be happy without the other being miserable. It was a vicious cycle that neither male could leave. Jongin knew that he was going to return back to Kai, like Kris was going to become Yifan again. Jongin and Yifan will never be able to meet. That didn't mean that Kai and Kris could never meet.

It had been a disaster. It had become a game of blood and cruelty. Neither had been the one to remove the glass because they both sat in the broken shards, admiring the damage. They were both so messed up, so beautifully messed up. Kai felt pride as his name fell from Kris' lips as they made love. Love? No, they made humanity. In those minutes of passion, their humanity had been switched on. When they had both met their ends, Yifan and Jongin had gotten a glimpse of each other through the walls that Kris and Kai unknowingly broke down. And they fell in love.

Yifan and Jongin prayed to the high heavens in the back of their minds, begging for Kai and Kris to no longer be together. To let Yifan and Jongin properly love each other without consequence. Jongin sits in the back of Kai's mind, constantly dreaming of what it would be like to be in Yifan's arms, to admire his smile and to smell his fresh cologne. Yifan claws at the walls of Kris' mind, crying out for Jongin to find him, to dance with him to sappy love songs and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. But they would never get that happiness, because their happiness held no value to others. Their happiness would destroy Kai and Kris, and their monsters certainly did not want that.

In another life, maybe Yifan and Jongin could love each other. But right now, all they could have were glimpses and a minute to fall in love again.