Heechul.  That man was going to be the death of me.  I mean, all right, I'm a christian man, very determinedly so.  But I'm also a liberal guy.  I mean its not like if someone is gay I'll condemn them, that's why Heechul and I are best freinds still because I stuck with him when he came out and everything.  But he also has been making me question my own uality.  I mean we would play around, flirting whatever.  I mean it was fun, but it wasn't like I thought "I'm gay, I want to date Heechul-hyung."  I mean not until he kissed me two years ago onstage.  Ok, we'd kissed before but this time.  Dear God.  And he just walks away smirking like "Yeah I just helped him affirm his uality."  So...Now what was I supposed to do?  I buried my feelings deep down in my chest, I  kidded around still, flirting, laughing, kissing.  That kind of thing.  Then he pulled me aside in about May of this year.  "Siwonnie." he said "I'm thinking of going into the army this fall."  

Needless to say my heart dropped to my stomach.  I wanted to cry so bad because all the feelings that I had been suppressing (or so I thought) for all that time came flowing back up to my heart and I just wanted to kiss him, hold him, tell him that he couldn't leave me.  But that would've been awkward.  So all I managed was a croak of "Really hyung?" 

"Yeah." he said, "I wanted you to be the first person I told."  He patted my shoulder and left the room.  I stood there, staring into space for a long long time.  So now here it was, The beginning of August.  We were starting to promote "Mr. Simple" and the day Heechul was planning to leave us was getting closer.  My mind was in complete haze I kept thinking that I just HAD to confess.  But then I'd think..no...I can't...Then the day before promotions started, we were all exhausted.  Heechul and I crashed on my bed, he fell asleep first, curling into a tight ball against my side, snoring.  I put my hand on his waist like normal and slipped in and out of sleep until about 3 when I woke up completely out of no where.  I sat up, wondering why when I realized it was because Heechul hyung wasn't next to me.  I stumbled out of bed.  I was still wearing my practice clothes,now covered in dried sweat.  I went to take a shower.  As I stood there, letting the hot water pound onto my head and back, flowing in rivulets down my body.  Suddenly, as I turned in the water, I imagined him slipping in with me and..."No!" I thought adamantly to myself.  "No!"   I took a deep steadying breath and turned the water off.  The air was suddenly cold on my skin.  I stepped out and wrapped a towel around my waist.  I headed back into my room and pulled on boxers and a pair of pj pants.  I headed out into the kitchen for a snack to find him sitting there, staring into a bowl of cereal blankly.   

"Hyung?" I said uncertainly.  He looked up at me and I saw that his eyes were full of tears.  My heart flew up into my throat and started pounding there.  "Hyung...hyung what's the matter?"  I strode across the room and sat down next to him and pulled him to face me.  His lip wobbled dangerously, his normally cool facade had dropped completely and I saw the young guy I had debuted with again.  I pulled him against me and held tight.  "Its gonna be ok" I his hair as he shook in my arms.  Eventually I pulled back and took his face in my hands.  "Hyung, whatever it is, just tell me ok?"

"I can't believe I'm gonna be leaving you guys so soon."  he gulped, "When I decided I was going to...I thought its only two years...only two and then now its like ! its two years! How am I going to live?"  I stared into his streaming eyes and without even thinking about it, without even knowing what I was doing, I pulled his face towards me and our lips met.  I swear my heart stopped beating.  He froze, his eyes flying open.  I pulled back.  

"I--Oh God I'm sorry." I stood up and hurried towards our room.  I felt a hand close around my wrist.  I turned around he was standing there, the tears wiped from his face and a hard blazing look his face.  He stepped forward and took my face in his other hand and kissed me full on the lips.  I kissed him back, feeling the heat where his hands were on my face and wrist and from his lips on mine.  I reached out with my free hand and slipped it into the hair on the nape of his neck I pulled him against me, deepening the kiss.  I couldn't think or breathe or anything really in that moment.  When he pulled away, his eyes opened slowly.  "H-hyung" I spluttered.

"How long?" he asked me.

"W-what?" I said.

"How long have you wanted to do that?  Kiss me?"  My heart did a stupid little flip.  I couldn't say, I could only stare into his eyes.

Then finally, without any real thought "For as long as I can remember."  I whispered.  He smiled his y half smirk.

"Me too."  I grinned.  He kissed me again, this time, more hungry, desperate, needy.  I kissed him back with the same fervor, running my fingers through his hair as he traced my chest, my stomach my back.  We stumbled back into my room.  He kicked the door closed behind him.  I pressed him against it, our lips never parting, as I locked the door then we stumbled back onto the bed.  I lay on top of him, his hands gripping my hair so hard it would have hurt at any other time.  We rolled so that he was straddling my waist.  I sat up, leaning on my elbow as he pulled off his shirt.  I kissed his chest all the way down to the hem of his sweat pants.  He threw back his head, gasping desperately then.  I fell back he lay on top of me kissing me dizzy.  "Are you sure, Siwonnie?" he asked, "I mean because..."

"I've never been more sure in my life, hyung." I replied, knowing I was telling the truth.